Cool names for rock bands are always a challenge for aspiring musicians. Possessing meaningful lyrics, big hair, groupees, and partially tuned guitars just isn't enough. Young crooners can't go on tour as "Fred's Band". You can't shoot up the charts with a CD titled "Windows 98."

What comprises a cool rock band name? Numerous studies have been funded by rock-n-roll think tanks in Cleveland, Ohio and Muscle Shoals, Alabama. Despite the advanced technology available to modern researchers, no definitive answer has been identified. Numerous theories have been put forward, but like macro-evolution they have all proven to be apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate.

Researching cool names for rock bands involves two fields of study; theoretical and applied. Theoretically, a stupid name like Oingo Boingo should be a non-starter. In the weird and wonderful world of rock-n-roll, things aren't always as they appear to be.

Applied research produces mixed results. Consider as an object lesson the (in)famous name chosen by the seminal blues/hard rock band of the '70's, Led Zeppelin. Almost, but not quite, all of their fans had, or have today, any clue of the taxonomy of the name. Nevertheless, the band enjoyed wild success on both sides of the pond.

The all-time coolest rock band name? Without question the name has to be one that conveys the intent and purpose of the band without getting in the way of the music or forcing the band into a specific genre. A band named "Happy Polka Time" would find it problematic to transition into the Hip Hop scene after topping the accordion charts. To learn the all-time coolest name, please read on. The answer will be revealed.

We can assert with some certainty the existence of a category of not-at-all cool rock band names. For example:

Closed for Business: no self-respecting club owner would risk this name on the marquee. Close friends of the band-mates surely recognize the name, but rock fans at large stroll past the storefront, assuming that place is no longer open. The payoff, assuming that the band overcomes their ill-fated naming choice by selling a theme song to a situation comedy or a mall opening, would be a name that everyone wants to repeat because it sounds so cool, so counter-culture. By then, however, the club owner will almost certainly be liquidating his assets.

The Berlin Wall: The real wall having been torn down in 1989 and history not being taught all that much in school anymore, this name has precious little meaning to anyone under 40 years old. Basic laws of rock and roll tell us that the over 40 crowd doesn't buy new music anyway.

No Unauthorized Smoking in the Military: This decidedly uncool name for a rock band commits the cardinal sin for a rock band name; it won't fit on a marquee. Club owners make the fatal mistake of shortening it to "No Smoking" or even more desultory "Smoking Military", neither of which retains the original intent of the name.

Obstruction of a Police Officer: A band name that mirrors a felonious offense might attract a strongly loyal following of tiny anarchists, but they'll never make on Good Morning America of Disney Radio. Anarchists don't have any money anyway.

The Lying Pelosis: Nothing spells doom quicker than a politically charged name that is too subtle for mainstream rock fans to grasp. Sure, Ms. Pelosi lied repeatedly about being told / not being told of waterboarding strategies, but how many rockers watch Fox News?

U2: A self-serving unintelligible moniker representing the most decidedly uncool name for a rock band. Having no redeeming social value or nuance, only a group of poseur musicians with no self-respect would choose such a name.

We also present some cool names for rock bands:

The Bathroom Light: Subtle, cool, basic; a perfect name for an alternative pop-rock combo. The name offers no undertones of profanity or hidden meanings, but it's easy to remember and it fits on a CD liner.

Keyboard Crumbs: Ever flip over your keyboard? What drops out would feed a small city. At least we'll never starve as long as we have computers nearby. This cool rock band name evokes images of stale unrecognizable food matter sticking to everything on your desk. A promising name for grunge rockers, anorexic folk trios, and electronic music performers.

The New Appliances: Everyone loves shiny new stuff in their homes. Garage doors, blenders, stainless steel refrigerators, and Popeil Pocket Fishermen come to mind when the DJ plays a song from "The New Appliances". The name is plural, so band-mates can refer to themselves as "appliances" and each musician could name him/herself after a popular product at the local Sears. In a twisted way, it worked for the Ramones.

Newt Gingrich Lied: True, this name is also politically charged, yet it presents two advantages. "Newt Gingrich" is a strange name that is fun to say regardless of political orientation. Mr. Gingrich was a member of the Republican Party and most rockers hate Republicans anyway. This cool rock band name unites rockers against a common, if only perceived, enemy.

Selecting the all-time coolest rock band name was neither simple or direct. After much deliberation, we arrived at an obvious yet contentious choice; the band was comprised of Rich Danko, Levon Helm, Garth Hudson, Richard Manual, and Robbie Robertson. They called themselves, simply, The Band.