Dealing With the Terrible Ex-Husband
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I have been divorced for a little over 5 years now. When I first started the divorce process, I had a motto I said to myself daily, "Don't do anything you will be ashamed of later on." It was very difficult at times but I feel I stuck to it for the most part. My now ex-husband and I have a daughter together, so I figured it was in her best interest to try and salvage some sort of respectable relationship with her father. There were plenty of instances in which I wished my ex off the face of the Earth, but I never let him know that. I handled each situation in a different way, but I always remembered to think of the broken relationship as a professional one.
The Phone Calls
The awful guilt-ridden phone calls would come in and I would simply state that we had moved on beyond that point and that if he would like to speak to his daughter, she was available. I remained as professional as possible - even if I cried my eyes out or punched a wall after the conversation.
The Differences in Parenting
My ex and I had substantially different ideas about appropriate parenting. My daughter even got her first 'drinking story' at age 4. No, she didn't drink, she was just encouraged to pour a can of beer on the first guy to pass out at one of Daddy's parties. Although I was furious and wanted to send the police to his house, I had no proof of the story, so I confronted him directly and STILL remained professional. Once he realize our daughter was telling me what was going on, he straightened his act up real fast.
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The Negative Press
My ex-husband and his family seemed to seek out every opportunity to bad-mouth me to my daughter. She would come home from visitation and I would see the pain in her eyes when she told me what was said about me. I would calmly explain to her that it did not hurt my feelings and that some people say hurtful things when they are confused. Then after I thought for a while to know just what to say, I called my ex. Of course he always denied everything, but I always made sure to mention that it upset our daughter. Over time the negative press has seemed to stop.
The Holidays
My ex-husband and I still have a difficult time splitting the holidays. It is only natural to want as much time with your own child for birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. And of course my daughter wants to see both her parents on each holiday. When my ex-husband and I cannot agree on splitting the holidays, we refer back to the paper the judge gave us explaining how the court would typically handle the disagreement. However, we try as hard as possible to split holidays as a 50/50 deal.
When dealing with a horrible ex-husband remember not to stoop to his level. Remain polite and professional without sending out the signals that you want back in the relationship. Over time your ex-husband just may react in like, acting like a true adult.
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Comments
I hear you, I really do :)
It's been a loooong time for me. Bryant was 16 months old when his mom walked out on me and him and his three year old sister. We split some holidays and some summers. She remarried a lot soon than I did. I waited until Bryant was in high school. She got on with her life and I got on with mine. The best thing people need to remember is that the sun will come up tomorrow and the sun will set at the end of that day. No two days will ever be the same again. Enjoy being a parent and, if you can, enjoy being an ex when he/she has the children every other weekend.
You handled the situation well. I had a divorce (was married to lawyer) and fortunately we had no children. (Why the reason of divorce, that won't go into here!) I was lucky to have married the love of my life and we now have 3 great kids. I understand the relatives part but now thankfully I'm away from all that. Good luck and stay strong, your doing well.
Hi stanleyreese, I have indeed learned how to appreciate my alone time. It took a while to stop missing my daughter so much that it hurt, but Im better with it now. Some days I even ask her if she wants to go see her Dad :) I think its a 2nd grade thing...
Thank you, Andre. I tried to behave in a manner that wouldnt haunt me later on. I think I did a good job. I am remarried now with 3 kids too! It always seems like things work out for the best, even if its not what we wanted initially.
good advice, Ardie!
Thanks, Mike the salesman. I have to admit though, its been a little more difficult of late to follow my own advice :)
nice advice
Ardie, you're doing so well, and the advice you've shared is solid. Divorce is just plain hard and ugly no matter what the circumstances are. When I divorced my husband, thank goodness we didn't have children together, the hardest thing for me was that it felt very similar to grieving over a death even though I knew it was for the best. And unlike grieving over the death of a loved one, grief over a divorce involves also having to deal with running into your ex or having to continue seeing them because of children.
I wish you the best! :)
I had my divorce after I found out he had an affaire for two years. I had asked him before about it, but he denied it and I believed him. We bought a new home, But we never lived there because he told me the truth two weeks before we were going to move. I let him. Moved myself , and after a while even invited his "new" woman to meet each other because that way we would be able to talk under normal conditions about our two children and all of us could build on a normal as possible envirement for the boys to grow up in.
I let them live their live, I tried to life mine. Working(which is an obligation here even when you're a single mom with little children), taking care of the children and have some alone time for myself when the boys went to their father and his wife.
But I never seem to do it right in his eyes. Eventhough the children( seven years later now)don't agree with him. He always tries to belittle me, tells me I'm selfisch and don't take care of the boys the right way. He says I don't do nice things with the boys every weekend, don't take them on a long vacation once or twice a year like he does so he cut the childsupport. ( I work for a minimumwage and they both work) He doesn't believe that cutting the childsupport is just even worse for his children. I just have to take another fulltime job( and that way spend less time with the children) But I can drive 300 miles every weekend to take the children to him. That doesn't bother him of course, but if I can't because I don't have enough money, I'm selfisch again. I just never seem to do it right and he's telling the children the same thing. The oldest sometimes hates him for it, but the youngest wanted to live with him,, but daddy didn't want that. That way, he couldn't do the things he could do now.He told the boy it was too much trouble.
Last time I got angry with the both of them because they started again to belittle me and started to tell me how I should life when the boys were with me and even when I am spending my own time when the boys are with him.. The first time in seven years.
Don't get me wrong. He's a good dad, but he just has to stop minding MY business. He just has to life his live and let me life mine.
Otherwise.. Somebody has a shotgun? LOL
Looking back the hardest thing I ever had to do was to make sure that my children knew and loved their father (alcoholic, abusive, cheater, etc.) because it was about them growing up whole. In the end, he rose to the occasion and became someone we all can respect, so they were lucky. I can only wish that for you and your children. Just remind yourself, you are doing the right thing no matter how hard it may get.
Hi Pam and thank you. I know its in my daughter's best interest for there to be some sort of harmony between her parents. Thank God my dauighter is so smart and understands a lot. The divorce did feel like a huge loss even though it let me gain so much. The hardest part was having to share my daughter. I still have trouble with that one.
Hi Lazur, Im so sorry. Your exhusband sounds like he really gives you a hard time. Sadly, he is just putting more stress on your sons by stressing you. I hope for only the best for you...stay strong for your kids. My newest issue is that my ex has not moved on with life yet and keeps guilting my daughter into thinking she has to be his best bud and help take care of him. If she chooses to do something other than visit him, he acts broken-hearted and it upsets her. I try to tell her different but he is a master manipulator. As for what your ex thinks you should do with the kids, playing in the yard is as much fun as a trip.
Hi Jerilee, I hear you on how hard it is to let your kids go with someone you know isnt the best. I grew up without a dad and I really do want my daughter to know hers. Though I am angry at him right now, he has made improvement over the years - but sometimes he slips into his old ways.
Wow Ardy, you handled it really well. I am more of an emotional person and can become a little short of homicidal. :)
Good hub
Thanks debi, I have my homicidal moments, too. I just dont let him know that. If he knew he'd be happy he was able to get to me. Over time, the pretending made for good practice, I suppose :)
Your writing style is great. It's so easy to read and captures the reader's attention right off the bat. You give good advice, too. Thanks for sharing your story. You've even given my an idea for my next Hub. Watch for it.
Your comments are too sweet, thank you! I will surely watch for your new hub, is it going to be about the horrible ex-wife? :D That would be great!
great hub Ardie. Your writing is so clear that i can feel your frustration and pain which has nmeade me relive my past which thankfully is just what it is - my past - but as you intimate it really is just so much harder when children are involved because you have to continue to have contact and that is not always easy!...cheers
Thank you ajcor. Im sad to hear you had a difficult time in your past. But thankfully you are able to keep it where it belongs - in the past! The constant contact due to having kids together does remain tough. There are times when I re-read this hub just to remind myself to stick to my own advice :)
Lazur says:
12 months ago
Thanks for answering the request and sharing your story.
I'm trying to remain polite for the last seven years now, but sometimes it's just F*** hard:)