Dog Shows For Mutts: This Isn't The Westminister...

They prance, they pose, they're brushed, fluffed, and primped within an inch of their lives. They have their teeth brushed (What?!) till they're sparkly, they learn to walk, speak, and sit for hours on end. They don't earn prize money in the millions, because it's really more about the "prestige". No, we're not talkin' about that dumb "Toddlers In Tiaras" show that my humans watch all the time, we're talking about dogs in those fancy schmancy, high-falutin' dog shows like the Westminister. (The sell-outs!) Your human has probably wasted away a perfectly good afternoon of play time watching these dog shows a time or two with the little crumb crusher humans. That's right, they waste a WHOLE afternoon watching overbred pooches with their fastidious handlers and the snooty judges in evening dresses checking them for underbites. Who the heck wears an evening dress just to stick their hands in our mouths, really?! Do they know where our mouths have been?! After hours of watching these frou frou pooches, our Alpha Dog and the rest of the pack turn a critical eye toward US, the innocent, loyal, faithful FAMILY dog lounging in our rightful places at the end of the sofa, drool hanging from our dirt-rimmed lips and a leaf or some other unidentifiable tangled in our ungroomed fur. They say things in human-speak like, "Why can't that be my dog?" "Why can't my dog be in a dog show?" Like they think we don't get it or somethin'!!

After watching my humans watch those idiotic dog shows several times in a row, my dog homies and I decided watching other poor excuses for animals steal our thunder was just too much. We decided that it's time for all us Heinz 57's, the "sooner" dogs, the mutts to unite! Stand up, on your hind legs if you can, and be counted! Get your people to have a dog show just for you where disobedience, drooling, licking, and chewing your master's expensive shoes is not only allowed, it's celebrated! Rip this article off the printer in your teeth and take it to your human or drag the laptop over and make them read it. It's your day to lie in the sun!

Here are the categories WE want in OUR dog show...first the SHOW categories:

Best Owner/Celebrity Look-A-Like (It's true, the longer you live with us, the more you look like us...lucky you!)

Oldest Dog (Lucky us, our Alpha hasn't put us "to sleep" yet! When that day comes, we're hauling doggie butt to Mexico!)

Prettiest Eyes (See, we do have some redeeming qualities. They work great for begging and to get out of a spanking when we've accidentally left you a little gift-age.)

Longest Tail (We won't even have to work for this one!)

Longest Ears (And you thought they were just for dragging in our food bowls.)

Hairiest (No more gripin' about the dog hair all over the house, will ya?)

Best Costume (Some of us actually LIKE to dress in those silly dog clothes you put us in, it always earns us plenty of petting and sometimes we score a dog yummy or two)

Most Mysterious Heritage (See, we knew we'd finally get rewarded for hooking up with that hot, fancy little number around the corner and cranking out those puppies.. hey, we didn't know what AKC meant!)

Next, the PERFORMANCE categories...check out all the cool things we can do, who knew, right?

Least Obedient (We've been looking forward to being rewarded for this for a LOOONG time...)

Best Kisser (Finally, someone who won't say, "Stop, stop!" when we lick them and leave drool gobs on their face)

Stupidest Trick (Forget that "sit" and "stay" crap, how about drinking water out of the sprinkler, the ability to swallow a squirrel with only the tail hanging out...that kind of thing?

Most Obnoxious Puppy (Shoe chewing, leg lifting, where else can these traits be rewarded?)

Best Vocal Performance (You knew that relentless howling would come in handy one day!)

Most Diva-Like (Some of us have that cat-like aura about us and have you completely under our power!)

Ya Gotta Love Me (Well... 'cause we know that you love us, even when we're messy and dirty and not the best groomed mutts in the world...even though sometimes you won't admit it!)

My Alpha Dog Mom, a decent human most of the time, actually followed my advice and had a dog show this year with all my favorite categories. And it was a bow-wow-sing success! If you're ever in South Carolina during the month of April the Sunday after April Fool's Day, you should check it out. And if you're not, you should have one wherever you live. Doesn't really matter, because somewhere a human is waiting and wishing for a dog worthy of being taken to a dog show... and we hate to disappoint our humans!