Evening Classes for Men
66
Disappointing and below standard
It has come to the attention of the Find a Man Committee, that many men have no idea what is required by women and are falling horribly short. To say that this is distressing and of concern is putting it mildly. Therefore, all interested members of the Find a Man Committee have decided to run special Evening Classes for men. The course will be over two days and will be extremely challenging for many of you. Due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the course, only eight men will be accepted at any one time.
Please note that lunch will be provided. Clear guidelines and instructions will be given on how to remove your lunch from the packaging without a woman's help. Don't worry, it's not in our best interests to let you starve.
Day 1: Morning Session
How to recognise a laundry basket - Powerpoint Presentation of excellent visuals of different laundry baskets and where they may be located in an average household. A fitness instructor will be present to show you how to bend without putting your back out. (Duration 1 hour)
Tea Break - Hands on lesson on how to switch on the kettle and find tea, coffee and mugs in the cupboards. Take turns to practise opening packets of biscuits (Duration 15 minutes)
How to iron Madame de Press will give a lecture on how to iron without getting creases in the clothes or leaving the iron imprint on expensive items of clothing. All students will be required to remove their trousers and shirts so as they will have items to practise with. (Duration 1 i/2 hours)
Replacing toilet rolls and throwing away empty milk cartons - Demonstration and role play. Discussion will follow on why empty toilet rolls and milk cartons can be detrimental to a woman's sanity. (Duration 1 1/4 hours)
Lunch Break (Duration 1 hour)
Day 1: Afternoon Session
Being a passenger with a woman driver - Short video followed by a Lecture on anger management techniques. Demonstration by Midwife on breathing techniques to use when under stress. Driving simulation with Blondepoet as the driver (Duration 3 hours)
Curing the flipping channels addiction - Ronald Macdonald will give a slide-show and talk on how to cure addictions and surrender control of the TV remote to others. There will be a short sharing time for students to share their TV remote addiction experiences. (Duration 30 minutes)
Tea Break (Duration 15 minutes)
How to be romantic - Presentation by an up and coming gigolo, followed by a question and answer session (Duration 1 hour)
Day 2: Morning Session
How to avoid comparing your woman to your mother - Matching game where you match pictures of old women to their hobbies and habits, and young women to their habits and hobbies. Led by distinguished Psychiatrist Dr. Feelgood. (Duration 1 hour)
How to inform others of your plans, when you're going to be late and how to record important events in a diary - Psychic Clairvoyant Jane Eyre will demonstrate how to open a diary and find the correct date to record information on. Students will be called upon to role-play making a phone call to give pertinent information. (Duration 1 hour)
Tea break (Duration 15 minutes)
Putting dirty dishes into the sink and washing them Mabel Mildew will use puppets to show how to get up off the couch and take your eyes off the television screen, to locate your dirty plate and glasses on the floor and carry them to the kitchen. Students will then get the opportunity to take turns washing dishes and experience the joy of soap suds on their hands. (Duration 1 hour)
Making small talk when the conversation is boring - Top Model Cindy Crawford will demonstrate how to smile inanely and nod your head and appear interested when the conversation is tedious. George W. Bush will demonstrate the technique of answering questions when you haven't paid enough attention to actually understand what was being asked. (Duration 45 minutes)
Dis da book
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Stop the world, I need to pee!: The Life and Crimes of Fenella Fisher
Price: $15.00
List Price: $15.00 |
Day 2: Afternoon Session
Lunch Break How to make your own sandwich using ingredients and fillers from the fridge. (Duration 1 hour)
How to find the elusive G-spot and other items lost in the house - Linda Lovelace and Pietro Pornacopia will perform a simulation of how to find the G-spot while connected by remote to surround sound. All students are required to practise on the special simulation dolls which will be provided. Grandma Clousseau will end this session with a slideshow of handy ways to find other missing items. (Duration 2 hours)
Being a supportive shopper - Blondepoet, JJ and A Evans will demonstrate relaxation and breathing techniques which can be used when you are in the role of a supportive shopper. Students are requested not to be distracted by their heaving breasts while they complete the demonstration. Tom R. and Tom C. will show a Powerpoint Presentation of how you can make your body flexible so that you carry many parcels at one time. (Duration 1 hour)
Wee Break - All students will practise urinating in the women's bathroom with the toilet seat up and will remember to put it down again after they've finished. (Duration 15 minutes)
Learning to be wrong all the time - This is probably one of the most important things you'll ever learn, how to accept that you are always to blame and always wrong. Because the Find a Man Committee has recognised the vital importance of this session, each student on this course will receive their own counsellor to work with them on a one-on-one basis. Unfortunately, all counsellors are women as we were not able to find a male counsellor who had mastered this himself. (Duration 2 hours)
Successful Completion of the course
Students who successfully complete the course will receive a framed certificate and be deemed good enough and encouraged to apply for the Man Wanted: Apply Here.
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Comments
Hahaha yeah Cris, we could start developing it into a PhD program. Nah, if I look at my ex-husband, I obviously wasn't very hard to please lol
Where can men sign up for this course?! I will forward the info along to them :)
Ashley, we're thinking of running it at the local boy scout halls!
You know, I really am almost sorry I'm taken, dear. I could teach this course! LOL
Well Tom, we could use you as a spiritual adviser
You had me laughing all the way through this hub. LOL Ya need to keep Pest away from the G Spot Doll though. He may defile it. I am laughing because I am too oldt and married and set in my ways and won't be enrolling in this most gruelling class, although I would love to observe those heaving breasts you mentioned. hehe
Are you in real need of a man? LOL pick a young one so you can train him proper like.
lol CC, I want to get Pest enrolled but haven't seen him on here for a while. I figure I can train him up real good. Nah, lol, actually don't need a man. I have my power shower. Oops, did I say that out loud?
LMAO Cindy woo hoo I get to the driving and shopping. Did I tell you I honestly have not got my learners yet, hoping to get it next Wed lol, but we won't tell the applicants....great hub
Well BP, I must have used my psychopathetic senses to subconsciously assume you didn't even have your learners as that will make this course even more challenging for our applicants.
Hahaha good thinking come on then who is coming to enrol, great lead on from the previous Cindy..frickin hilarious
Australia and more importantly Toowoomba is in for it now. OMG ROFLMAO@BP
Hey CC and BP, isn't this just like old times?
cindyvine - - is the word you were looking for stimulation? as in "Driving simulation with Blondepoet as the driver (Duration 3 hours)" I think maybe a chap would be mildly stimulated driving around with BP on her learners for 3 hours...maybe even heading for a breakdown - meant in the nicest possible way BP....
Ajcor, we can rename it the stimulation simulation activity lol
I don't know about old times. Has it been that long? But I'm bored and hungry and so tired I can't sleep. LOL You have filled some of the void for me dear. thanks
Pleasure CC, but why you tired? Isn't it wake-up time for you?
I am plumb tuckered out from rebuilding my stone patio. Should complete it today. My eldest son and grandson have been helping me move tons of stone and dirt and sand. Much bigger and better with freestanding walls to keep the dogs contained too. Now to get it finished today and plant more flowers. Then I can can get some much needed rest over the weekend maybe.
They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks...so it would be a good idea to start when they are young....really young. Make it part of the school curriculum ;)
CC, you should get Pest in to help you!
Diana, yeah, good idea, maybe part fo the Lifeskills Program!
Hahaha Cindy, are they queuing up or what?
Nah FP, I wish, but Blondepoet is my assistant and understudy and I'm doing this for her. Really.
All the luck.
LMAO!! I have signed my husband up for the course and have instructed him to take the class on replacing the toilet paper twice :) Good one, CV :D
Cindy, this is really clever. I love the originality of how to deal with an age old problem. Started reading your hubs, when hubweeds began stiffeling your hubpatch. Glad you managed to wade through the weeds and kept writing. I've only been on hubpages a couple of weeks and am hoping to learn from the best writers, so please don't let the weeds get the best of you and your hubpatch . Thanks
Cindy I'm with alekhouse I love the originality and the quality of your hubs and I also am hoping to learn from the best writers on the hubpages that is why I always look forward to seeing that you have posted a new hub.
Cin, i was cracking my self, it is so true and I saw my self in a few of those lessons. Bad girl you, but, its is probably the best hub since i joined. I imagine a few blokes that will be furious with you... Thumbs up
hahaha hey C.C you can hop in the car with me why I am doing these stimulation lessons ROFL, could do with an extra pair of hands. Hey Ajcor does that mean you are in.? I will take you for the best ride you ever had, are you in haha. Come on now step up this way, don't be shy now.
At first they give you diamonds, then it's flowers, then it's prawns, then it's IOU, then it's madness......
Kushal, we don't want luck, we want men lol
Janetta, yes sign up your husband. The toilet paper session in particularly invigorating and will keep him on the edge of his seat.
Alekhouse and Maggs, welcome to hubpages and my hubs and hope to see more of you guys and read some of your hubs.
MAD, you are calling me a bad girl? We'll have to iclude an etiquette class just for you!
BP, I think we're scaring off all the men. There don't seem to be any real men left on my patch.
I know Cin, out of 65,000 Hubbers it appears to be quite grim.......
Maybe we should add in an extra class, how to respond when BP is swinging around a pole? We were offering these courses as well for their betterment. Very sad indeed.
Cindy - ahhhhh great! I hope everyone realises that there's no humour in this, your tongue was not in cheek and you sincerely meant every last word. And the ones you didn't type too :)
Loved it ... thumbed up!
BTW Miss CV - is it me or is everyone seeing ads for Scientology? Say you can see them too. Otherwise it's a sign.
Of some sort ...
Must be a sign Froggy, as only ads I see here are for some Christian College and Sexy Lingerie! Ooo, what a strange combinations of ads! And this definitely wasn't tongue in cheek and I meant every word and evn the words I didn't say lol
If you're gonna have surround sound, I also want "sense-around" so the couch/recliner vibrates with the rythm of the washing mashine (sorry for any typos, kat and I went out for dirnks) and sways to they beat of a broom etc... Plus I may watch it just for the sense-around myself!! lol, hugss to you!
Yep, sense around to go with the surround sound sounds good, Candie!
Cindy - christian college/scientoloy are about the same. Maybe someone wants us to join a new club?
Am I'm glad you meant the words you didn't write. Now THAT's conviction!! :)
Of course, Froggy! And as women, we know instinctivly by our well-developed psyhopathetic senses just what other women mean without being told it verbally!
Ok men driving lessons are beginning in approx 35minutes, let's get our life jackets on and do a few stretches to limber up.
You need to practise some pole dancing so that you can work the gear shift, and some splitz so that you can operate the foot pedals with ease.
So glad that you joined me on VFT. I tried to get you on chat but you probably were trying to get the swing of things there. I guess one needs to have the volume up so you are alerted that someone is trying to poke you into the chat room. Now I must make some fresh morning coffee
Ah Cc that volume is on mute and am out the door now for my son's graduation dinner. My kids are growing up which means I must be growing old.
Thanks for the laugh Cindy, started with the Laundry basket and thereon, great way to say it lol
LMAO CIndy haha great advice, my first driving lessons did not go so well though, I still cannot find the keys, we had to improvise, some people in the class had to pretend they were cars, and make engine noises, I don't think they were too impressed.....
Hawkesdream, you got stuck in a laundry basket?
BP, oh no! How are you going to teach these men how to be good passengers when you can't even find the keys? Did you try your vibrator in the ignition?> That might work!
LOL Cindy very funny good hub again
Thanks, Lgali
Hahah Cindy never thought of a vibrator, that should be a real buzz. Will give it a go.....
It would be one way to get the party, er car started.
cindy - if bp gave simulated, stimulating driving lessons in a larger vehicle such as e.g. a bus she could share her skills more widely & her instruction then televised via large screen so that everyone onboard could participate - but vibrator substitution could be awkward - an over stimulated, simulated vibrating buzzing bus!
Ah Ajcor, that sounds like lyrics from a song on The Wiggles lol
doesn't it just! cheers
So Ajcor, have you got great weekend plans? I need to get reday soon, am off to the dragon boat races soon.
I wouldn't say great but fun - I have friends coming out this afternoon ( we live in the country) plus family coming to dinner tonight and staying over so it will be good...my neice used to row in the dragon boat events in canberra but as she is currently living on Manila I don't know if she is still rowing - it looks great fun -
I'm hoping to be able to get some great pics! A friend is shouting me the day, so will be lying on the lawns of the Sheraton, next to the lake, drinking free champagne all day!
now that sounds like the life! maybe you can put up a pic or two on your next hub!!!
Yeah, that is the plan, dragon boat racing day hub!
look forward to it...
Can all those who participated in my relaxation classes please come back tomorrow, sorry they were so darn good I fell asleep. Thankyou to all who concerned who let me nap, I would not want to fall asleep at the wheel
Hey Blonde, you sre they didn't do despicable things to you while you were sleeping?
LMAO, one never knows. That actually could explain a few things around here. :)
Hmmm, BP, we have to work out our next plan of action. Seems more women are signing up their men, than men signing up of their own accord. Should we include a video of you pole dancing?
Of course if it will help, just not that one when I got stuck up there...
Yeah but that Pole had a big one! So, you are excused!
is there a special ed version of the class? I mean is there one that takes at least a summer?
GT, I think if we can free Blonde up from the 350 Spartans in thongs that she's hanging out with on Sufi and BC's ship sailing to me in Africa, then she should be able to fit it in. maybe she can run a special ed course for the summer in Bali. Would that suit you?
Anywhere out of America is good for me.
Okay, I'll have a chat with Blonde, she's running a lot of the courses and is having lots of fun with the driving one. Hey, you don't want to apply for the man Wanted?
If there are expectations, I will fail. So I am of low confidence to apply.
Ah Toady, Blonde and I will work in tandem to get you up, er build you up, er get your confidence up!
First I must ask what is a Ed course, LMAO
I think an Ed course is where you have a guy called Ed as the demo model for you to try things out with, like some of the things mentioned in our evening classes.
Bali does sound good, I am not bringing my boogie board though, heck Cindy does that mean Ed has to come along too.....I can't see GT coming out of this alive, ROFL.Bring lots of rope we will hold him as a prisoner if he tries to leave..
I think if we can find GT some weed and some beers and some gorgeous island girls we won't need rope!
Good point Dr Watson...good point.
Ah call me Nancy Drew because I been doing some investigating!
" Students are requested not to be distracted by their heaving breasts while they complete the demonstration."
hahaha awesome! =D I can't believe I took this long to read this!
Glad you enjoyed it Ixxy and you did get here eventually!
Check dem out of you brave enuf
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Cris A says:
6 months ago
LOL Cindy you sure are one hard woman to please - this looks and sounds like a PhD program already! :D