Fairies As Pets

Fairies are today found all over the world and their history stretches back into the beginnings of civilization, if not further. In fact there is even a legend (unverified from a semi-believable source who I shall not name) that the Great Wall of China was built in one day by a legion of Asian Fairies who were bored and did it for a lark.

In any event they are frisky, funny, cheeky and intelligent and hence make for excellent pets.

I once had a fairy who could speak seven languages, including ancient Ugaritic, and who could recite poems and sonnets by the hour. I would still have him if he hadn't decided to move to Florence and marry an Italian cabaret singer. I still get tiny postcards from him the size of postage stamp, and although I have to read them with my microscope,he is so literate and effusively poetic it is well worth the trouble.

Now you are probably asking at this point, 'where precisely do I find fairies?' Well let me tell you they are everywhere, you just have to know how to look for them. In fact, I see three of them right now outside of my window, over there under the gorse bush. It looks like they are playing a game of poker.

Now lets say I wanted to capture those fellows for my ever-growing collection. What would I do?

One technique involves tempting them with honey. Fairies love honey, and will always flock to it if it is set out in a bowl and left there. Once they come to have a slurp, you just jump out from your hiding place, (you need to have a hiding place) and make a swift grab for as many as you can manage. You see, honey is like a sedative to them and so it's not too hard to pick up a few very easily using this method, while they are lolling and rolling about in a semi-stupor.

Another technique involves music. If you play an instrument, like the flute or guitar, sit outside in an area you suspect is rife with the little creatures. If you don't know where that might be you could use a dowsing rod as it will work equally well for finding water or tiny, flying, humanoids. Then, when they start to appear and dance to your jiggy tunes, you simply get up and walk slowly in the house...and they will follow in a sort of Pied Piperish manner.

Now what do you do with fairies once you have them?

I like to keep my fairies in a shoe box, which is furnished with tiny furniture, minuscule refrigerator,itsy-bitsy jacuzzi and so on. If you are not good a making such things yourself,you might be able to convince them to make their own--but watch out as they will probably charge you time and half! . Make sure you don't leave any sharp implements around, because some fairies have bad tempers and have been known to commit patricide, matricide, and various other 'cides' when they are in a foul mood.

These little fey-folk are not big eaters but they are fussy eaters. They will send a medium rare steak back to the kitchen six times until you cook it just right, and they love to drink red wine in thimbles and black coffee in saucers. Never feed your fairies anything like hot chillies or Cajun spice as it makes their heads pop off.

Fairies like to fly so you should let them have a full run of your house. Don't worry about damaging them when you pick them up, because they are as tough as nails, in spite of their delicate appearance. In fact I once had a cat who decided (foolishly it turned out) to scrap with one of these winged creatures--that feline now screams like the veritable 'cat on a hot tin roof' when he so much as sees a fairy, and runs as though being pursued by the notorious hound from Baskerville itself.

As I mentioned earlier,most of these little folk are well-read and can hold forth lucidly on almost any topic under the sun. They know all the classics from Chaucer to Chesterton and have decided opinions on all of it. Don't take up an argument on who is a better symbol of a romantic poet 'Keats or Byron, Wordsworth or Shelley'?' unless you really know your stuff. They will flatten you and take pleasure in the flouncing,

As accomplished musical performers they enjoy the lute and pipes as well as the aeolian harp and sometimes a lady-fairy will pick up a tambourine and perform a rendition of Salome's Dance from the Richard Strauss opera. If you witness this prepare to be enthralled because you will never see it's like by a mere human dancer--the fairy has all the lithe grace and hypnotic fluency of movement that you can only get when you have wings!

Goblins are one of the largest and most diabolical of all fey-folk's foes. They are most ruthless and their sweet-tooth for 'Fairy Pie' and other delectables made from fairies drives them to almost any length to lay their hands on one of the tiny winged wonders.

If you suspect goblins are stalking your pets the best advice I can give you is to set some traps for them. They are exceedingly stupid and can be caught with the simplest live-traps and then released miles away or even better, mailed to distant destinations.

To catch a goblin just dig a hole about six inches deep and put a sign near it that says something like "Don't Go Down this Hole!" In the morning you will find the hole virtually filled with the little blighters, as they are, as I said, exceedingly stupid and contrary creatures.

In the end I must admit, that even though I speak of these delightful impish elf-like beings as "pets" really that all depends on the point of view. Because, thinking about it the other day, I realized that at no time could I compel these fairy-friends to remain in my collection. In deed they are there but at no time do I have the power to retain them. They are at every moment free to go their own way as the spirit takes them.

But they do stay.

This got me to thinking--who really is the 'pet' here?

Is it them...or is it I ?