Here's A Candidate That Promises To Keep Promises
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I hereby announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.
I ask your support on Election Day, Nov. 3, because I am the only candidate who has not been attacked on grounds of lack of leadership and vision, or for being too slick or too sleazy. And I can assure you that, when I take on a job, I never quit -- especially after my supporters go all out to work on my behalf.
But let me get right to the point. Here's my platform:
* No new taxes.
* No old taxes.
* A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.
* My administration will maintain a strong defense; we will continue to be the No. 1 military power in the world without breaking the back of the budget.
* My administration will abolish the national debt entirely over the first 100 days of my administration; thereafter, I pledge significant surpluses in every other year of my administration.
* My administration will turn around the economy by eliminating unemployment, giving big tax breaks to the rich and big corporations so that jobs will not only trickle down but will flow like rivers to the nation's workforce.
* Anyone whose annual income falls below the poverty line will immediately become eligible for a $10,000 outright grant.
* We will push through legislation that will allow homeowners to deduct from their taxes not only mortgage interest, but also the amount paid on the prinicipal. Under this legislation, renters will be empowered to deduct their rent payments from their taxes.
* My administration will assure all minorities of unprecedented levels of representation throughout government, including the Cabinet.
One of our first steps after election will be to push through the Congress abortion laws that will please both pro-life and pro-choice. This will be followed by a Constitutional amendment.
If you like my platform, go to the polls and pull the lever with my name on it. Don't worry about party lines; I may not have coattails but I can promise you that if I'm elected I will keep every one of my promises -- and I won't ask you to read my lips, either.
Thank you for your support.
Note: Please see Page One for news of the real world.
This column was written for The Hour newspaper of Norwalk, Conn., as a "My View" on Oct. 17, 1992. I now write my views on a wide variety of topics on HubPages. You can, too. It's easy, and free! Get paid for writing about what you love, or whatever interests you!. HubPages makes the technical part easy. Make friends and get help on its active forum. Take a quick tour to see how easy it is to get started today Click Here -- To view my HubPages Profile Click Here
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Comments
BT, perhaps we can adopt some of Mr. Torpey's fine campain platform, which I admire very much?
For vegetarians, perhaps it is a cabbage in every pot, except that is too reminiscent of USSR starvation after the October Revolution.
Campaign on, everyone!
I can see you're off to a big lead, B.T. Evilpants, but I expect pick up lots of votes from the pro-life crowd and from the pro-choice activists. On top of that I'm sure of obtaining huge contributions from the big corporations for my tax cutting policies and I'll have a tremendous turnout from minorities for my promises of good jobs (cabinet appointments.) However, if you want to discuss a coalition, I'm all ears.
Patty, you can tell B.T.Evilpants (since you appear to be acting as his campaign manager) that he is welcome to pick up any part any of my platform planks that he likes. I'd even be willing to discuss adding cabbages to my chicken plank.
Superb! Cabbage goes quite well with Long John Silvers' Chicken Planks. Coleslaw, etc.
Perhaps we need two Presidents?
Mr. Torpey, you've got my vote! I don't know why, but you've got it. Now, what can you promise me?
Two presidents for the price of one? It has a familiar ring to it, Patty. Maybe we can negotiate over cabbage and chicken planks.
Move over Obama and McCain, I'm in this race full steam now. I have a vote, thanks to WeddingConsultant. I can promise you, WeddingConsultant, that if I'm elected you'll be sure to have a car in your garage, a chicken in your pot from Long John Silver's and lots of cabbage. I'll bet you won't get that from B.T. Evilpants! If you decide to work on my campaign, I might consider using your talents to conduct negotiations with Patty Ingish, who apparently is representing Evilpants, my friendly opponent.
William ...
As long as it's not a chicken in every garage and a carful of cabbage in the driveway, you've got my vote!
Any chance of a Torpey/Evilpants ticket (or vice-versa, or maybe rotating weekly)?
There have been rumors circulating, Marian, that a coalition may be in the making with Evilpants and I, but there are some negotiating points that may have to be ironed out first. Evilpants has taken the lead in the early polls, but he may peak too early. Your vote could turn the tide. We may hear more from Patty and Evilpants. They may be ready to talk now.
Oh Marian, you disappoint me. You promised me your vote! Apparently you haven't read my other hubs, otherwise you would know how dangerous it is to toy with a Jackalope.
William, sir; I will take the co-presidency idea under advisement. Of course, I will have to put this notion before a few focus groups, do some random polling, and generally keep you distracted while I ferret out your address, as well as those of your entire extended family. *note to self: get shadesbreath moving on the address thing*. In the mean time, I am extending an invitation to you. Why not attend one of my fundraisers, as my guest, of course. I wouldn't dream of accepting a donation from you. Just pop by, and sample some of our absolutely drug-free food. I'm sure that if you hear what we have to say, you will be solidly in my camp.
Marian, I've heard from the grapevine that Jackalope's are not really all that dangerous, so don't be swayed too easily. In fact I understand that "flying Jackalopes" have a chicken body and a Jackalope head, so maybe I could amend my promise to offer a Jacklope in every pot.
Evilpants, regarding your fundraiser, I could agree to that only if you would reciprocate by attending my upcoming fundraiser that will be on a fireboat that will cruise around the Statue of Liberty while spraying the waters of New York Harbor. If we can work out the details, I will need to bring along a friend of mine from the FDA to your fundraiser. He is familiar with drug-free food, and he attends all of my functions. One of my staffers will be in touch with you soon.
Outstanding! I know everyone at the FDA! Great bunch of guys and gals!
William, my friend, if i were you I would not trust the Jackal;ope. I know he seems that he is harmless, but that is only on the surface. He is pure evil all the way through.
Evilpants, we seem to be traveling on the same hustings. I expect to pick up a lot of votes from the FDA. Maybe a co-presidency isn't such a bad idea after all.
SirDent, I'll take you advice under advisement. I've been hearing a lot about Jackalopes lately, and it disturbed me a little when I learned that Reagan had one on his wall. Next thing you know the present occupant of the White House will turn up with one -- I hear there's all kinds of strange things in Cheney's cellar.
You look pretty relaxed there William sitting at your typewriter at the Hour. Very nice pic. Reminded me when I worked at the "Transcript" my local newspaper. They asked me to help them out for 1 night and I ended up staying there 8 years, just one night a week though. I was a good loyal dependable helper!!!!!
Congratulations for your run for President. I don't know William, (shaking head), I really don't know if this is a good idea. My fear....Will America know what to do with a SMART President????
B.T. please don't read between the lines here. I know I sort of maybe promised you kind of that you would have my vote.
I'm late I know, but that is a great platform, you have my vote and thank God for sense in politics, I would like to be considered for the VP slot. I'm a great cook, and I've been married for 24yrs so I take direction very well. I'm saying just tthink about it; you need to carry the South.
Thanks, Dottie1. The Hour was lots of fun for many years with lots of wonderful people, some of whom are still there! If you go back far enough you can actually find a couple of intelligent presidents, but none better than "Give 'em Hell" Harry Truman. Don't worry about B.T., Dottie. I've heard that Jackalopes can't read between the lines.
I appreciate your vote, blangrehr. But don't tell Evilpants, he thinks he's got this election all sewn up! Regarding that vice presidency thing: Is your wife available for the post? I could really use somebody who knows how to GIVE directions for vice president. How about the Attorney General spot? That's where I need someone who will take directions, come hell or high water. Is it true the South will rise again?
Yep, she would be a great VP as long has she gets eight hours of sleep every night, otherwise keep the big red button out of reach.
How about a garage for every car and food in every fridge? I don't care much for boiled chicken and I think most Americans have cars - garages less common.
I wish I could say I am more hopeful of your empty promises than the other candidates =D
I know you hit upon abortion, but what about these issues?
I can see from your link that you have a good grasp of the issues, thegecko. My platform, as outlined on his hub, is designed to capture the large majority of votes without using Karl Roves outmoded voting machine machinations. Upon my election, you will see we are in nearly total agreement on the big questions of the day.
But I must elect you first to be sure? ;)
I'd be delighted to discuss my views with you in another forum, but I do not want to open myself to accusations by my worthy opponent, Evilpants, that I might be flip-flopping on these issues. I assure you, off the record, that our views are very close, even closer that Hillary Clinton's views are to Barack Obama's. Never fear, after all I'm no Jackalope!
Wow, William! This is a great platform. I didn't know your intention to run for office, elsewise I may have offered to hand out buttons or something for you. I can't vote for you, but I maybe could have been useful.
Would you consider coming to Canada and taking a shot at the Prime Minister position?
How about a great debate between B.T. Evilpants? Would each of you do a Hub about platform, etc. take the debate to the forums? I have queried Candidate Pants as well.
Campaign On!
Shirley, I'm in negotiations now with Evilpants exploring further steps toward consolidating our campaigns. My campaign is gathering steam, and I have some outstanding prospects for vice president and attorney general. I need a top advisor on the SSP (Security and Prosperity Partnership of North America) if you are interested. But I could not undertake and foreign adventures for the time being (Our incumbent has made foreign entanglements too messy to touch.)
I look forward, Patty, to a great debate with the Jackalope, providing negotiations with his campaign fall through regarding a co-presidency. I'm wide open to discuss these issues further in the forums, but I think this hub clearly outlines my major platform planks. Personally, I think Jackalopes make excellent vice presidents.
:) Sounds like a winning combination one way or another. :)
When is this debate going tot ake place? Who will moderate it? Can I be a part of it? So many questions so little time.
I endorse William F. Torpey for president. (Ah hate that jakcalope!)
Perhaps the Game Warden will moderate?
Mighty Hunter, I'm awaiting word from B.T. Evilpants. I accept your endorsement and hope that you will actively campaign in my behalf. Evilpants has been uncommonly silent of late. He must be consorting with other Jackalopes. Maybe they have a convention or something? My polls show that I am moving up among voters throughout the country, especially in the South. My people are looking into finding an unbiased moderator who can handle Jackalopes. If all else fails, being of Irish heritage, I believe I can call upon the Leprechauns to help me battle against any Jackalope mischief.
I believe you will get lots of support from the Leprechauns. I am also of Irish heritage and believe that Irish people are the best for the job.
We're definitely on the same page, Mighty Hunter.
William, I'll make you a deal: I'll throw in my vote too, if you'll use that pic of you as your permanent profile image. Nothing agianst the legendary Mr. Crosby but, I ain't votin' for no dead dude.
Besides, I just hired a sniper to take out Evilpants... hee-hee.
I'd really love to have your vote, Constant Walker, but Bing Crosby is king. He may be dead, but, like Gunga Din, he's a better man than I am. Besides, I'm a thousand years older now than I was when that picture was taken. But I will consider putting your sniper on my campaign payroll.
I should warn you: He's kinda near-sighted, so you might want to pay him (or her... I'm not saying which!) on a payment-on-delivery type scale...
I do not work for Constant Walker.
CW, I met your "sniper" today. He's not very stealthy. For future reference, Mr. Magoo should NOT be carrying firearms! Perhaps you should contact Mighty Hunter. He can't shoot either, but he knows his prey. He also brings his mommy along, to kiss his boo-boos. Now aint that just the cutest thing you ever heard?
William, I am honoured by your offer, and humbly accept the position of Top SPP Advisor to your cabinet, should you win.
This will be a great opportunity for both of our countries to form mutually prosperous, satisfying, cross border relationships.
If I may suggest the first order of business....that Top SPP Advisors be allowed to travel the sunny southern U.S. freely without pesky, intimidating questions from customs and border officials. A welcome mat would be lovely, but not absolutely necessary.
Yours in friendly North American relation$.
Advisor Shirley
P.S. How much does this job pay and how much vacation time do I get?
I may have to flip-flop on the sniper deal, Constant Walker. Evilpants is to clever to be fooled. He must have had a contract with Mr. Magoo before to spot him so easily.
Mighty Hunter, it is obvious that you are a big gun in your own rigfht. I could use a straight shooter like you in my administration. Would you consider accepting the post of Secretary of the Interior?
We'll make a great team, Shirley. If I'm not mistaken there's a Welcome Mat behind the four-poster in the Lincoln Bedroom of the White House that might be available after we take office. All of my top appointments will have free rein throughout the South without fear of being tagged "carpetbaggers." By the way, the job pays very lucratively (double Dick Cheney's current income) with extensive vacation time (as much time as George W. spends at Camp David) with special Jackalope monthly luncheons at no cost to you and your entourage.
Wow, looks like you've got a great team formed around this candidacy. Since you say you'll give me a car and some chicken I'll definitely vote for you! Not only that, I'll even bribe my local DMV to create several other voter profiles and I'll vote for you several times!
Now now WC. Don't be too hasty. you should take a look at my announcement, before you go promising votes to anyone! http://hubpages.com/hub/BT-For-President
I like your style, WeddingConsultant. Would you consider being my campaign manager?
WC - don't forget the promised cabbage as well.
William, I love it!! You have always had my vote and like wedding consultant, I too will end up with lots of cars AND chickens lol!!
You ARE! thee man for the job!!
Campaign manager, eh? Do I need to send you my resume? I have extensive experience in the area of making empty promises, so I suppose I'm a good fit. Let's do it!
I promise to be your campaign manager...
I knew I could count on your vote, compu-smart. In fact, I'm going to need a lot of celebrities and pretty girls at my Inauguration Parties in January so who better than the guy who runs the biggest and best celebrity birthday blog on the web? Would you consider lining up some stars for my campaign?
No resume needed, WeddingConsultant. You're track record is well known on HubPages. Here's one of my own empty promises: You will be my campaign manager right up to Election Day at my top level salary. I'll confer with you while on the hustings as to how to best snare a Jackalope.
Okay, I have consulted my newly formed cabinet members (right hand, left hand, right foot, left foot, head, toes, etc) and we believe that in order to catch this jackalope we will need a carrot, long string, stick, small cardboard box and an xbox 360 entertainment system.
Shirley, maybe you could organize these items for the campaign?
Sounds like a great plan, WeddingConsultant. You've obviously got this thing well in hand, or is it foot?
B. T. Evilpants - I have only this to say - Hassenpfeffer!
Bill, you got my vote and when I become rich (over $5 million) I'll send you a campaign pledge! Right now I'm just getting ready to enjoy some hassenpfeffer. You ready there, B.T. ????
I'm sure I won't have long to wait for that campaign pledge, Chef Jeff. I'd love to share some of that hassenpfeffer with you. It's my favorite.
Hmm. You seem to be behind in your own poll. Maybe the HP team left a back door, where you could sneak in, and play with the numbers a bit.
My supporters are all celebrating on the islands, Evilpants. My candidacy started from behind, if you remember, but I'm expecting a "surge" in the coming weeks.
I see you have gained a vote. I don't suppose you voted in your own poll, did you? That would just be dishonest!
Everybody has the right to vote, Evilpants. Read this: http://hubpages.com/hub/Who-Says-I-Cant-Vote
You absolutely have a right to vote! I'm just saying that this gives the appearance of "tampering" with your own polls. My only objection is that you thought of it first! Perhaps I should rethink that whole co-presidency idea. Our ideals don't appear to be that far apart (this is definitely not an attempt to taint your campaign, by endorsing your politics).
You just got my vote Bill.
You're a formidable opponent, Evilpants. I should have known that a true Jackalope would be fierce competition. A co-presidency might be very effective. Perhaps we should allow our campaigns to decide the issue. I'm game.
Thanks for your vote, Bob. I knew you would like my campaign platform. We're attacting both liberals and conservatives as well as many who have been sitting on the fence. There's no stopping us now!
I suppose now is a good time to state that I'm a part of the Whig party. Is this a problem?
Hopefully as a Whig I can still continue in my role as campaign manager.
A problem? No way! In fact, Millard Fillmore was one of my idols, the last and grandest of the Whig Party faithful. Believe it or not, one of my prize possessions is a record album titled, "Sing Along With Millard Fillmore." It's a Time Warner special edition of campaign songs from George Washington to Dwight Eisenhower. Not only can you continue as my campaign manager, but because of your obvious good judgment, I'll see to it that your commensuration is doubled. This is going to be a long, hard race, but my new poll shows I've taken the lead -- thanks, no doubt, to the great campaign staff we've assembled.
My poll tells a somewhat different story!
I've seen your poll, Evilpants, and cast my ballot. This race is far from over.
In the interest of fair play, Evilpants, I have surreptitiously linked to your hub. May the best ma... candidate ... win!
William, for the sake of providing equal time, I have prominently displayed a link from my own hub, to yours. I hope you enjoy the traffic.
My site may get overloaded with all the extra traffic, Evilpants, and I hope you find this arrangement mutually beneficial.
I accept your offer to be secretary of the interior. I declare that I personally will guarantee that no Jackalope will be tolerated.
Consider it a deal, Mighty Hunter. And I hope you'll bring that big bazooka along with you. I hear that Jackalopes run like rabbits when they see a bazooka.
Hmm. I wonder if you would be willing to cite your source on that one. I have never been one to run. In fact, I've sent your new secretary away in tears, more than once!
I read it in Today in History, Evilpants.
I shall write tomorrow and demand a retraction! I'm also ordering 40 years worth of back issues, so as to validate your claims in the future.
That'll be $.75 per issue (times 40 years.) Please don't forget to sign the check, Evilpants.
I don't write checks. I'm using the credit card I found in your wallet! You really should be more careful about where you leave it. It only took me 20 minutes to find!
It was shiny. :)
I have found a source which proves to me that BT is not who he says he is. I can blow the whistle on this chump very soon if you give me the go ahead.
Thanks, Mighty Hunter. But, for the moment, I think it best to leave sleeping jackalopes lie. I think he'll find out that my credit card company went bust and doesn't have any assets left.
Then I shall go and sell, I mean give my information to someone else. I really hate Jackalopes.
This could be interesting. MH and BT, I see y'all meet on this hub too. This could get ugly! Good hub William.
Good luck, Mighty Hunter, but I urge caution. Jackalopes are known to be duplicitous.
Thanks, allshookup. The race is making a late turn, and we're picking up momentum. Welcome to the fight.
If only our candidates could spell it out like that to us. I'm tired of all the veiled puppet speak. You would make a fine president.
I appreciate your support, standskill. There's definitely too much doublespeak from the other candidates. But the truth is it's not so much what they say as what they don't say. Thanks for commenting.
B.T. Evilpants says:
16 months ago
Sir, I would wholeheartedly endorse your candidacy, were I not already running against you. As a matter of fact, With at least a half dozen supporters, already, I expect to win this election in a landslide. I do wish you the best of luck, and may the best...uuuuh...mammal win.
I am B.t. Evilpants, and I approve this message.