How To Divorce Your Parents
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I realize this may sound like a controversial topic: If you're the type of zealot who immediately feels the need to rant and rave about God, Jesus, Family Values or any other such thing, you should probably stop reading now, cos I'm not writing this for you -- I'm writing this for the adult children of parents whose behavior greatly impedes the quality of life experienced by said children. Divorce is not something one does over a minor incident; this is a pretty big thing one only does when one has to.
If you're a teenager reading this, I'm not writing for you, either. Don't print this out and show it to your parents; it's not meant for your situation. That's not to say some of you don't have parents who may need divorcing; but divorce is hardly feasible at your age, so y'all are going to have to suck it up and deal like the rest of us had to. I will, however, be writing an article on how you can cope with them until you're old enough to move out, so check back for that. Unless, of course, you're actually being abused in some way -- in which case, I'd advise you confide in a teacher or counselor immediately.
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Why would someone want to divorce their parents?
Because you've exhausted all other possibilities. Only you can know if you've done this -- and you will know when you have.
Because your parents suck. And we're not just talking about the nosey mother or emotionless father; that's pretty standard stuff which hardly warrants divorce. No, we're talking about parents who seem incapable of treating a child (or anyone else) with any measure of respect. Parents who hate themselves to the point they can't love anyone else. Parents who still hit you even though you're an adult with kids of your own. Parents who lie to you for no apparent reason. Parents who lie to you for any reason. Obviously there are plenty of other things which could go on that list, but you get the idea.
Because they're beyond reform. Certainly, rehabilitation is the desirable solution here, but some people are beyond it. Parents are just people, after all, and we all know that some people cannot and will not change under any circumstances.
Because your emotional and mental stability have to come first. If you're considering divorcing your parents, it's not over something as trivial as hating the way mum always gets in your business when you drop by for dinner. If you're considering divorcing your parents, it's because you're at your wit's end -- and because you're tired of feeling badly for days and days and days following any interaction with them.
Because they're not your responsibility. You are not obligated to go through life feeling like crap because you have emotionally stunted parents. You are, however, obligated to be the best person you can be. If you cannot do that while maintaining a relationship with your parents, then that's just how it is.
How to Do it:
Stop being a victim. The next time they start a fight and give you the silent treatment (or whatever) -- roll with it. This is your opportunity to spring clean that part of your life and put something new and better in its place.
Don't do it with anger. It won't work, if you do. It has to come from a place of self-love or emotional indifference. If it comes from anger, you'll get over that anger quickly enough and end up back where you started.
Have an emotional outlet. Some people don't need this, but most do. If you feel saddened by this divorce, have someone in whom you can confide. If you don't, you may end up going to your parents in a subconscious attempt to fill this need.
Get extra support if you need it. You may also want to seek therapy from a professional for the first few months following the divorce.
Close all communication lines except for the written word. Do not talk to your parents after you've decided to divorce them; it's too easy to get emotional, and that kind of thing is not going to help. If you need to communicate, do it by writing emails or letters -- this takes more concentration, allows for reflection and is a much better method.
Divorce Doesn't Have to be Permanent
If your parents get their crap together at some point, there's no reason you can't reconcile with them. Look at Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee -- how many times have they divorced and remarried? Ok, probably once, but you get the idea. The important thing here is this: You're not divorcing them because you hate them and don't want them in your life; you're doing this because you can't cope with them in your life.
Hey, it happens -- and sometimes there just isn't a better answer.
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Comments
Good hub.:) I can relate to this. I divorced both my parents in a different manner. I divorced my father for four years emotionally( I didn't see him anymore)and my mother for even more and also legally when I asked a judge to take away her custody a long time ago. And we're all in a new kind of relationship now.:)
Good going Isabella!,
Your comments and hub are accurate and helpful. I enjoyed the hub.
You bring a pertinent topic to light and offer helpful suggestions - as always. :o)
Isabella, as an adult I've gone through a sort of divorce from a parent. It has been necessary, if not always easy. Having outlets of support outside of my parents has been helpful. Not surprising, that support already existed before the divorce.
Good one.
Thanks for sharing :)
As a parent of a youngster that tells me most days she wants new parents, I have to say, I appreciate your start. She is too small right now to comprehend something like this. I can imagine what kind of interpretation she could get if she reads this later in life, if the beginning wasn't written like it is. As for the rest, good going! You can't change people if they aren't willing to change. It isn't healthy for you to try. You only get yourself deeper into a bad situation. I agree fully with everything you said, especially the part about written communication being the best method. Anyway, I'll just wrap up this comment with Good job, thank you again for clearly addressing who you wrote this for. I'm sure lots of good parents with rebellious teenagers appreciate it too. :)
Excellent hub with some very good reasons and ways to acheive this, which lots of kids do not realise they CAN do and legally!
Great hub :) I pretty much had to do the same thing...although I consider it more breaking away than divorcing. I'd say my parents weren't terrible, but there is a point at which they are to stop being parents.
Great hub. As much as it sometimes sucks, sometimes it's just too dysfunctional for things to continue. I remember during college coming to that point, and my end result was a little drastic (moving to Alaska), but fortunately I've been pretty blessed since now I probably have the best relationship with my parents I've ever had, but I really feel that time of breaking away was absolutely necessary. Great job of tackling a tough topic.
I just discovered you. This is really good. To the point. thanks.
I have to say this is an interesting topic. It raised some questions in my mind: if you can divorce your parents, can you divorce your kids? I suppose some would call this abandonment or walking away. But is it not the same the other way around? Can one "abandon" their parents? I guess the emotional trauma with each scenario is devastating regardless. Again, a very interesting topic...
Welll written, the title like you say is a bit controversial, but actually you do share some valuable insights. You are a good writer, I have enjoyed this one. Thanks.
as an adult, I'm 43 yrs old an have tried everything to have a civil relationship with my mother! but she is just a mean person, all she does is create drama among the family, she steals, lies, gossips about her own children, I dont want any part of her!! she has done the last thing she will ever do to me! I want nothing to do with her! she's a sad pathetic person! I'm so done with her, I want to divorce her!!!!
I am 34 years old and I have been wanting to break away from my mom for a long time. I always gave in or listened to everyone else until now. There are parents out there that just don't have the maternal instinct that they are supposed to have. For some reason they can't take an interest in their son or daughter's lives. So it is best to finally break away. I have finally realized that it is not me. I've done all I can do, given up everything I could, and tried as much as I could. My relationship with my mother is like a bad friendship. I go out of my way for her and she does the minimum. She never calls and checks on me. She doesn't care what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what is happening in my life. I've decided that its best to not get my heart broken.
Hi I am 19 years old and trying to get financial aid for college. My adopitve parents make too much money for me to get aid if i file with them on my fasfa but scence I am not marred. have no kids, and I am under the age of 24 then I have to chose but to file under them. I have been living on my own for over a year know with no help from them. I have been repeatidly been pushed away from the family by my moter. I have tried many times to get her to try and talk things over with me and work things out but she just says that I do not try hard enogh to be part of the family and to let her know when I am ready to do my part. She sent me a letter about 3 months ago to tell me that again and I wrote back telling her that i though we could try and work things out talking through letters because it seemed to help. She never responded, she and the rest of my family left christmas early to keep from seeing me. When I called them they did not answer. When I went to there house only my brothers would come out to talk to me. The asked my dad if he wanted to talk to me but he wouldnt come out sied.(I am not allowed in the house)(except on rare ocations when my mother happens to let me in). They do not accept the gifts I get them. They have removed all pictures of me from the house unless one of my siblings are also in the pic they do not answer my phone calls. e-mails. or letteres. I am at my wits end. They spent my college fund to remodle the house. do you think that divorcing my parents would help me get my emotional stability back as well as the financial aid i need to go to collage.
THANK YOU. this hashelped me. a lot.
Great article.
I think parenting is one of the most complicated and difficult trials in life. I don't think that people realize what they're getting themselves into when they decide to become parents. For me, it's absolutely outrageous that people have kids without any sort of planning involved at young ages with no expertise or plan for providing for them. The way people have kids, you'd think it's no big deal. Well, it is a VERY BIG DEAL, the biggest deal anyone will EVER have to deal with in their lives. I hate it when people talk about, "parental rights." As if such a thing even exists. Parents don't have rights. They have responsibilities. They have a responsibility to put food on the table, they have a responsibility for their child's emotional well-being, they have a responsibility to set high standards in all aspects of life, they have a responsibility to provide money for their child's education. Parent's don't own children. Parents choose to have a child, no child chooses their parents. There are a lot of REALLY BAD parents out there.
I think it's really unfortunate to be considering breaking off ties with loved ones. But if they aren't doing any good for their children in all of the ways that parents can be reasonably expected to do good for their children then that's exactly what should happen. It's really sad to think of all of the really good people out there who are carrying around dead weight in the form of terrible parents who have always been terrible and don't seem to want to get it right. I had to drop out of college after the withdraw date for the semester because my mom decided she was tired of paying me $450 every month to cover my rent. I had no place to stay, no way to continue on with my school work and no way to pay the rent, even though I had a 30 hour a week job to cover all my personal expenses. I had an agreement with her when I graduated from High School that she would cover my rent until I graduated. She was never late with a bill in her life, but felt that my academic success apparently didn't warrant the same sort of devotion. So here I am in the job market... not qualified for anything, 2 semesters away from a degree I'll never have, trying to make it... and I never want to see her again. I've felt awful for feeling so much anger towards her... but I think I've finally realized that it's okay to be angry. What she did was inappropriate. The past 3 years of my life have been an entire waste due to her. I was just two semesters away from a decent-paying job and upward mobility in the job market... just two semesters away when she decided to go back on her promise to me. I'll never forgive her... and it feels absolutely horrible, but whenever I've spoken to her about it, she's blamed me and refused to accept responsibility for having flaked on her only child when it mattered most. There's just no resolving it. I don't want her in my life anymore.
This is a great hub. I "divorced" my parents back when... Oh, when I was sixteen or so I guess. I tried once or twice to give them another chance to prove they could be better people; but each time they failed miserably.
When I was in my early-twenties, I half let them back into my life. I'd talk to them probably once every few months over the phone; and that was it. But, gradually, I came to see that they weren't doing anything prat-ish, nothing insensitive or hurtful. I guess it helped to show there was potential for change; even though I didn't realise I was noticing it at the time.
Only about a year ago, I came clean about some huge, life-changing truths I hadn't felt able to tell them before, given the terrible way they'd treated me as a child. I honestly don't know why I did; but my mother took it all at face value, and basically said that if it made me happy, then fine.
...She also said that telling me NOT to do something I'd set my mind to had never worked anyway. At least she's learned that if something's important to me, it really is important to me.
Anyway, I wouldn't say I'm on GOOD terms with them- I still don't think I'll ever forgive my stepfather- but I realised that perhaps one day I can view my mother as more than just the woman who gave birth to me. And I honestly think keeping her at arms length for a while is a big reason for it.
I saw someone asked if parents can then "divorce" their kids. It's called disowning them; and lets face it, if your offspring is an adult who should be looking after themselves, but is damaging your mental health and has no desire to become better people- why not?
nice to know i'm not the only adult child who wants to divorce from their parents!
im a teen but i take care of my self already as it is. sure my parents give me a place to live and 20 for food every week but i could do better with out them living on my own
Isabella, your article is so concise, so well-written, so wise. Personally, I don't find material like this in any way contraversial, although I can see how it may appear that way to those who may be intolerant to new ways of thinking. It is a breath of fresh air.
I guess I'm not surprised that there are a number of younger adults speaking up here, and I concur with Isabella's comments about age. One thing that I am working on right now, however, is the much more difficult scenario of divorcing ONE parent. Seriously, closing & sealing a door is not a feasible solution when you still have to use that door to access the remaining parent, and siblings, with whom you and your own family have a rational, healthy relationship and who do not deserve to be on that side of the door.
I was going to say a little bit more, but fell open-mouthed at Dee's comments - we are the same age, Dee. And your comments could be mine!
Thank you for a great article. I wont go into details too much but my mother is an acoholic... a nasty violent spitefull one. Still even though i hate her, i love her very much. I have tried everything and anything to try and get her help and to stop, even offering to mortgage the house to pay for rehab, but i have now come to the realisation that she wont ever stop because she doesnt want to, she loves alcohol and she is quite happy to continue abusing me mentally physically and verbally as well as killing herself slowly and it will be sooner rather than later. I have decided after 28 years of living with my mother doing these awfull, heartbreking things, to cut myself off from my mother completely. Yes it hurts... but it hurts anyway when she does what she does. i do however want to say to people that before you think of dirvorcing your parents, please think about how your parents COULD be... are they really that bad after all? You only get one mother in this life... im just gutted that i lost mine to alcohol.
I really appreciated this article. I am 34 years old, and I cut off nealry all communication with my abusive, indifferent parents nearly three years ago. The things they did to me and my siblings while growing up are criminal. This was something that I should have done years ago. I was looking up informatin on this subject because I was feeling so guilty, like I was going against God. However, since the "divorce," I have found that I have much more peace in my life. Everytime I would see my mother, I would become enraged. This was causing serious problems in my marriage. I agree with what Scigirl stated. Some mothers do not have maternal instincts, and some parents are just not interested in their chidlren's lives. I am still deeply saddened and affected on a daily basis because I do not have good parents. How do you ever overcome this?
Any tips on what to do with my parents who cant seem to mind thier own buisness? It doesn't even seem like my mom trusts me. Whenever i ask to go anywhere she asks if there are going to be boys and alcohol there. Yeah im friends with guys, why is that such a problem? I don't drink alcohol so they should just trust me and believe that i wouldn't do that. Please any help would be appreciated
im doing this,,not matter what aint no boy stoppin mehh
im 15
&& i do what i wantt
I found the article really interesting. I am going to get legal advice to divorce my parents. Both were very cruel to me when I was younger. I don't speak to my mum's or dad's famlies, as they decided to look the other way to what was going on. The past has left a permanant scare. This, to me, will be some sort of closure.
I'm not sure about the advice to leave the written lines of communication open. My mom is most abusive in her written emails and letters. She's got a chance to just let it all pour out in lengthy diatribes full of insults.
Another question is how do you keep some kind of good communication and visitation with one of your parents when it's only one who is being abusive? I do not want my father to miss contact with me when it's my mother who is the toxic one.
It's a hard thing. Know that divorcing a parent or parents isn't easy. It comes with its own bag of guilt, knowing that they are getting old and that you may have regrets even if this is what you need to do. So many unqualified people are parents. They don't realize that having a decent income and a house isn't enough. And they have the power to damage you for a lifetime. If they were physically or emotionally abusive when you were a child, they can keep reopening these wounds when you are an adult by insulting you. If you keep trying to have a relationship and share things with them only to have them turn around and later use these things that they know to hurt you, it's really time to sever contact, I think--and that very well could mean ESPECIALLY the written word if that's one of the places that they're most abusive.
THANK YOU FOR WRITIN THIS BOOK
I am 24 years old and all my life my mother has treated me badly. She gave me to my dad when I was 9 years old because she said she could not take of me. The truth was, she didnt want the responsibilty. When I grew up some she finally wanted to do something with me because I could take care of myself. Well we got into an argument and she told me that she wis she had an abortion with me when she had a chance. Well that was the last time she will hurt me. I am tired of getting hurt by her and I want to divorce her for the rest of my life. I am a better mother to my two kids. She will regret doing this to me. But it's to late. Im done with her and her comments.
Ya reminds me of that simpsons episode of bart simpson divcorcing his parents. but i can't stand them either is it possible to have that
drugs. alcohol. sometimes parents suck. I hit the jackpot with my mother, she is amazing, but dad. wow. lets not go there. I wish I could divorce him, so much, but he is a master manipulator and I don't see anyway that I can leave without getting guilted right back in. I am only 18, but I have never lived my own life and have just about given up hope. what do you do when you can't leave? what do you do when you can't escape? its all well and good to say, yeah; emancipate yourself, but how do you actually do it? what do you do when he says that he will kill himself if you don't come back? what do you do when he says he will die if you leave him? what then? do you let him get on with it? take the risk and hope to god that he is kidding? or not? leave him for your younger siblings to have to deal with? let them take the brunt of it and then have them resent you for the rest of their lives because you left them to take care of him? what? I think that this is a great article, but I don't think it applies to all cases. for those of you who can do it, congratulations. I wish......I don't even know what to wish for. I think I will wish for a future.
Awesome...I am 27 and probably needing to do this. The problem is that I'm still living at home and it won't be for the next year. But I really need to figure out how to do it. This is a relationship that's not healthy...and not going to move me towards being independent and living my life.
I am 41 years old and have divorced my parents for almost two years now. This takes a lifetime to get to this point. I know many people tell of the "emotionally absent" father, but mine went way beyond that. If he literally said 50 words to me that I can remember while I was growing up that would have been a lot. My mother came from abusive parents and thought that anything better than her parents was acceptable parenting. There were never any words of support or encouragement spoken to us in the house. My mother's emotions ran the house. Since we had nothing from our father, and my mother was miserable in her marriage, you can imagine that most time spent within our home was unhappy. I am so thankful I had teachers and friends to interact with, or I would have ended up as emotionally bankrupt as my parents.
As an adult, I discovered a betrayal by mother that I will never forgive. It's so painful that I have only told my husband about this. My daughter wonders why we don't visit her grandparents anymore. So far, I have told her that they have been ill, and that really isn't too far from the truth. I will never speak badly of them to my daughter, but at some point I need to tell my daughter that I have been hurt by them and that I needed to stop having contact with them in order for me to live a more authentic life. I was never able to just be myself as I was growing up, and it's about time that I have that opportunity now.
Like many of the people on this page, I too "divorced" my parents. My father became despondent and ran away from home years ago, but it was only recently that I cut off contact with my mother. After several years of abuse and manipulation, it is only in retrospect that I see how much of a mistake it was to keep talking to her. She never knew me; had she known me, she would probably have hated me. When I needed help with things, she resented me. She is also probably the most irresponsible person I know. It took a recent stunt of hers, which put a wedge forever now between me and my sister to cut her off.
Please everyone, if you are seriously considering divorcing your parents... don't wait. It is just like breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend... if you know deep down that things are not going to change, and that the relationship is doomed, don't wait. It will only be worse in the long run.
Great hub, Isabella.
suppressive People is what you might be around look it up
do a search on a suppressive person great site to look at
Has test to let you know if you around one
my parents always fight evry night and evry day i want them to get a divorce but they wont they say they love me no matter what and thell stay together to keep me hapy but what there doing is makeing my life a livig hell i tell them that if they love me theyll get a divorce (they were divorced once but they liive in the same house and heva sex so there technically married)but then they ignore me and start another fight so i think only option to this is for me to divorce them
sorry about the same mutiple storys i didnt know it put it up =/
I finally divorced my mother, im aged 34...she had me when she was 16 and i left home when i was sixteen due to the emotional neglect and abuse i endured. I reuinted and constructed a relationship after a period of time in my early 20's and for almost 2 years now i have once again not spoken to her after another bout of her emtional destructive nature. I wondered if i was doing the right thing as i dont know of anyone else who no longer speaks to there parents, so it was nice to come on here and read all the input to confirm i am not alone and that im making a healthy choice for myself. I will not speak to her again as nothing will have changed and im an adult now and it is my responsibilty to surround myself with healthy relationships. When your a child you dont have a choice, you love your parents unconditionally but as an adult you chose who to love and what behaviour is acceptable to you. Thank - you to the article and for everyone else who shared their stories.
Putting your well being first is a great reason. It's pretty crazy how long it took me to realize I had a choice to do that.
I see a lot of kids whos parent's dropped the ball while they were in college. Financial aid for students doesn't exist if your parents make too much, and if your parents don't care enough to help..."tough". But when they are old, alone and in need of care, maybe they'll see how "tough" life can be.
i have a mother that alaways think about her self and that makes me mad all the thme
Hey Paul,
I can understand you being mad but gee, my parents didn;t even give me one dollar. I had to support myself from the age of eighteen and I had to put myself through full time uni while doing three jobs and never had a cent to my name after paying rent, bills, books, fees etc and I had to do it all on my own. it is a wonder I had time to staudy when I look back. My mother verbally and emotionally abuse dme my entire life, put me in a children's home because she didn't want me but I had to go back home after 7 months as I was not a ward of the state, and she kicked me out a number of times as a teenager, the last time being at age 18. My father just sat ny and let it happen as he was her puppet. She has talked about me behind my back ever since I was a child, trying to turn people against me, and she still does it now, even though I am doing pretty well compared to a lot of people. She will never love me or approve of me and my father over the years has become just like her. They come into my home and criticise me for silly things like the dishes in the sink, my son't toilet training or bed time, depsite them having done far worse to me. I wrote them a letter saying I want them in my life but the criticism and the slandering of me to others has to stop, and they decided not to bother with me or their grandchildren any more because I finally stood up for myself and said what I won't tolerate any longer. Now that they have done this I am wondering if I should bother to try to make amends or just leave them to it as they do not provide any positive input into my life, only put downs and blame. Yes they blame me for the way they treated me and still treat me. Anyway, I wish my parents had even once supported me in any way but I had to do it all on my own and they are never going to change.
I've been thinking about cutting ties with my mom lately. She has reared her ugly emotionally abusive head. She recently moved out of the country which helps matters. I think it's funny how I want my parents to be different, have different behaviors. I so value unconditional love yet I refuse to love them unconditionally. How can I expect a bhaviour from them yet not exhibit that behaviour myself? It seems to be because they are my parents! When learning about behaviours all I had was them growing up. This is where I learned it. So I have enough history of abuse from my mom to realize that I no longer want it in my life. As parents, it seems that as our kids grow up we have to change our behaviours toward them in order for them to develop into mature adults. I mean if parents continue speaking to their child at age 13 the same way they did at age 5 then the child is gonna be a very interesting person, mildly speaking. Don't you think? Point being that parents have the responsibility to learn and thing and grow with the development of their child to the best of their ability. I don't believe that enough responsibility is taken for raising our children for some people. And kids get that parents screw up sometimes. What they dont get is abuse.
Lauri, I could have written your post, I have gone through many of the same thoughts and feelings and still struggle at times. I have learned, and almost fully believe now, that unconditional love is only appropriate for babies and children and can be dangerous for adults. We need to protect ourselves from people may harm us, including our abusive parents. We have to have conditions, or boundaries, or we subject ourselves to being hurt and used by abusive people. As a parent, there is a time when I must set conditions on my children, usually beginning when they are pre-teens. Inside I love them unconditionally, but if their behavior becomes harmful for me, I will have to change my behavior and not allow them access. For example, if they continue to borrow money and not pay it back, I will have to say "no" at some point. I still love them, but my behavior changes to keep myself safe.
I do not have love for my parents. My physically and emotionally abusive mother died 8 years ago. I struggle with guilt over needing to cut ties with my father and sister. I get no satisfaction or pleasure from spending time with them. They are very selfish people and do not express any concern for me. Unconditional love is not there in this case. But why is the guilt so strong? That is what I ask myself, what I continue to struggle with.
Therapy has helped me tremendously with this. My doctor has never told me to cut ties or to not cut ties. He is helping me explore what it might be like and what is best for me.
Giving up my mother was the best decision I have ever made. I only wish I had done it sooner. Divorcing your parents is a legitimate topic. Thank you for writing about it.
how do you divorce them? are you just using that word to describe you are not seeing them again. i'm 40 and I have been thinking of this since childhood. my father was abused me emotionally and mentally through out my life - it was terrible as a kid. I hated it when he came back from work as I knew his moods would start and the shouting etc.
I don't have a relationship now. Its just about Christmas and Birthday presents. What is worse is how my parents discriminate between me and my sibblings. Now they are getting married but I'm just there to make up appearances.
It just makes my blood boil. I've been feeling bad for 35 years and my brother and I just feel enough is enough. So we're not going to any wedding. Its the best way to cut the chord. I hope it works. Anyone got any opinion on this or ideas?
There's a recent NYT article on this as well http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.ht
as well as a discussion blog on this topic with over 800 comments/stories & counting: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/divorcing
lots of validation/ideas out there.
I grew up with an emotional house and was close to my Mother. Both parents struggled since the day they were together. The main problem is negativity is always the focus and negating the others opinion. Through the years we've been through drugs, alchohalism, abuse verbally and physically, and even rape. Money was never a problem thats why I think they stayed together even though they say its because of the "kids"...I've been trying to mend their relationship so much its become exhausting. I've held in for years all the real issues our family just puts off on a back burner as if its "normal" stuff. Not no more, I found a new family or should I say our paths crossed for a reason, and I pray they don't ever let me go. They hated my own first family enough to actually tell me I made a huge mistake!!!! Yup, the day I announced my own sons begining my Father said, "I already have a grandson". Living with memories like this along with the constant condensending guilt placed on another is not healthy. Its time to start with people who work together regardless of how much money I bring to the table.
My fifteen and ahalf year old doughter is sireously considering of divorcing me the day she turns 16 in March. She is planing to leave with her "bff's" family who taught my doughter how to smoke, drink experiment drugs and have a boyfriend that is 18 years of age. (an adult by law). All this happend without my knowlage. By the time I suspected things are getting out of control at the beginning of last summer I sent my daughter to France for almost two months to keep her away from that family. The moment she came back this family was all over her again. Sneeking out the house at midnight and drinking became regular activities for them with the aproval of the bff's mother. My daughter became so disrespectful towerds her family that I dicided to follow every step of hers and found out too much information that I can't carry in my heart without breaking down and crying for days. I tried to keep my child way from that family's bad influence, I contacted the police, changed her school, took her phone away but nothing helped.They still communicate with each other thanks to technology and peers. My child hates my guts now and she thinks I ruined her life. A week ago I asked my friend to take my child in her home so she wont sneek out during the night until I dicide what to do. Perhaps move? (I'm still supporting her financially). As a respond to my action my house got vandalized one night by the "bff" and her mother.Then my child recieved information at her school today by the SAP (student assistant program) specialist that she has the right to divorce her mother when she is 16. She was pretty happy today. But I didn't stop there. I went to school to see that "specialist" and told her my side of the story. By the way she didn't have any children of her own. At the end she told me that I did pretty much all I could do as a parent and suggested to send her to youth academy. She also said the referral came from my child's old school SAP office. (did the other parent spread rumors? perhaps). What I'm trying to say is don't blame parents only. Children can be extremly rude, hurtfull, and anruly.
The healthiest thing I have ever done in my life was to end my relationship with my mother and step-father. After many, many years of tryiny to live around their self-absorption, bad-behaviour and ridiculous fighting, I finally realized that was how it was going to be the rest of my life, and, worse, my children's life. I was putting my kids through the same nightmare that I had lived since 8 years old. At age 44, I started a new life. Now 63, I have never regretted it for one moment. I have toyed with the idea of trying to establish a relationship again, but I know from relatives that nothing has changed. I got out to survive, truly, just like from an abusive marriage. No they were not all bad, but they were toxic and harmful, and they ruined anything nice that we tried to do with their bad behaviour. One of their big fights during a Mother's Day Brunch I was putting on with my children present was among the collection of "final straws" that finally helped me to cut the ties. Too often something that should be nice always seemed to turn out very, very ugly. Yes, it's sad, and very unfortunate, and yes I miss the nice things about my mother and wish it could be different, but it's not. I know it was the right decision for me and my children. I have never felt guilty, ever. Maybe for not doing it sooner. But sometimes people who don't understand try to convince me to try again, even try to lay a little guilt on me. I know if they really saw it and experienced it they would understand. Good luck to any of you suffering like this. I hope you find a way to work it out or to get out while you still have a chance for some self-esteem and happiness, and to live without the sense of anxiety, dread, and fear that goes with living with toxic parents.
ASHWINSPGA says:
15 months ago
Kids know before they apply for Emanipation that once the divorce is approved in court its time to face the harsh reality of facing the world all by themself. They need to work house feed all by themselves. But if they believe they can make it on their own then by all means they must be given the right to find a better life for themselves than the one they got from their unhappy homes. Its not easy to get emancipated. they need to be 14yrs old, prove to the court they have a roof over their head and are employed. If they are responsible and committed enough to pass these criteria at this tender age, it only goes to show how unhappy they have been living with their parents. Emancipation is the only way for these kids to be happy and it will only make them strong for the even more difficult battles that may come to in their lives.
Great work Isabella.. Thumbs up