"I'm Gay!" - Advice on Coming Out
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Honey, believe me. Your mother knows.
Think about it this way. When you say, "coming out", you aren't telling your mother something she doesn't already know. You're telling her you're ready to talk about it, and her feelings about it.
I do have suggestions for this. Saying it out loud at all is a huge step. You might want to take that first huge step out loud, in a way that's emotionally not filled with the anxiety of your parents. Do you have a friend you could tell first? Someone who loves you unconditionally, that will deal with this very positively. Or, even a causal acquaintance that is gay or very gay friendly. Maybe it's even someone that's given you hints over time that they would be cool with finding out a friend is gay.
You might also want to try a total stranger. I gave this advice in a blog a long time ago, and received wonderful emails from people that took the advice.
One man was buying subway tokens. When the toll taker gave him his change through the window, he leaned in to the speaker and said, "I'm gay." The toll taker said "Congratulations," without even looking up.
One man wrote that he was online at CVS pharmacy, and the old lady with a cane in front of him turned around and said, "This is taking forever."
He said, "I'm gay." She blinked, and looked at him like she was confused. Then she said, "It's good to be light hearted, you're right. I shouldn't let this line bother me so much."
Of course the best one, and I don't know if it really happened, but I loved the email, was from a man that said he was walking his dog in the park, and a woman was walking her dog nearby. He walked up to her and said, "Excuse me. I'm gay." And her eyes lit up and she said, "Ooh! I have a nephew! He's a dental hygienist!"
Coming out to a stranger is just a suggestion to give the out loud thing a run without too much of the other emotions involved. Obviously, I'm not saying walk up to a construction crew on a lunch break, or the microphone at the republican women's fundraiser. Just pick a little harmless safe-feeling moment where you have no other emotional attachments.
After you technically come out to a friend and/or stranger, and you're ready to do this with your family, my advice is to stop trying to pick the perfect moment. Everybody says they are just waiting for the right time. It's an excuse. There is no wrong time. Just do it.
I can't anticipate the reaction. I can't tell you who's going to accept you and love you for who you are, as it should be. I can't tell you who is going to judge and show that their heart is a godless loveless place.
But I can tell you this: No matter how bad it may be, it is better than living in secret. It is better than not being yourself.
Allow people to know the real you, in truth and light.
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All text is original content by Veronica.
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Thanks for the comment, Charlie. I'm sorry to hear your father was like that. I'm glad your brother had you, to hear him and not judge.
Hi V. THis is a tough one...I've worked with a lot of clients while they were coming out. SOmetimes it goes well, with family exhibiting the love you hope they would express, but not always. I once had a young woman tell me that her mother, upon discovering her orientation, threw a bible at her and told her to cure herself. Another friend's mother locked herself in her bedroom for the better part of a week, refusing to come out or to eat. Of course, that's mom's issue, not her gay child, but those stories keep me sympathetic about why it can be so hard to come out especially to those we love most. The risk, in some families, is real. But being yourself is the only true answer, isn't it? So in the end, I agree with you. I would just add to be gentle with yourself if the process takes some time.
I wish I had known this advice before I came out. I made the error you mention. I told my father first which was a huge big awful experience and would have been better I think if I had come out to more supportive people first. Just the idea of saying it out loud to a stranger would have cracked the ice for me. I wish I had done that. The first time I ever said "I am gay" outloud was to my dad who freaked out. This is some good advice.
Oh Hon, you are soooooo right! Every body's mother already knows!!
Interesting idea. In business, it's always best to run any kind of sales pitch or meeting presentation past a family member or someone that has nothing to do with your work. It helps you learn how to present your ideas. Basically this is the same advice. Say it to a stranger first. Get used to the feel of the words in your mouth before you tackle the real presentation, which would be telling someone like your parents that you are gay. This is a very good piece of advice.
I enjoyed what you had to say, but have to disagree with the assertion that everyone's mother already knows. I came out to my Mormon family and they were shocked (I was the purest of church boys). When I told my mom I needed to tell her something that was hard to say (and then was unable to continue) she guessed everything under the sun besides gay. In the end their plans to pay for my college education were cancelled, I lost everyone in my large family and ended up a homeless teenager. So I would just add, hope for the best but plan for the worst. Have a plan and an ally somewhere outside your family, especially if you are young.
Despite everything, I will agree that no matter how bad it is, it is better than living a secret. That will slowly kill you inside. I went on to complete college on my own (just graduated), though it took longer. And, you can create a chosen family outside of your biological, one that will love unconditionally.
Mark,
Thanks for your comment. I'm so sorry to hear how your family treated you. I hope you have found the unconditional love you deserve.
Best,
Veronica
Excellent hub! While I was fortunate not having so many problems "coming out" myself, I give the same advice you stated here to my friends. Whether they listen or not is another thing.
But again great hub! I loved everything you said especially your feedback from your blog, those were cute!
Excellent hub! While I was fortunate not having so many problems "coming out" myself, I give the same advice you stated here to my friends. Whether they listen or not is another thing.
But again great hub! I loved everything you said especially your feedback from your blog, those were cute!
darn it i keep pushing the button twice!lol double posted this!
stylezink, I'm glad you didn't have the problems so many people have. I'm happy you enjoyed the hub enough to comment!
XO
hey v.. coming out was very hard for me, because i had bin in a three years relationship with a girl, but when i was with her i new that i was gay, but loved her so much an could'nt come to terms with it, when we split up i admitted it to myself that i was gay, i then told my best friend that i was gay, an we very supportive about it, which made it easyer then to tell me parents, when i told them they would beleive me an said that i was confused and still hurting from my x girlfriend. But i told them that i was and that i new for i long time and found it hard to come to terms with it. but they told me that i was to keep it to myself and was not allowed to tell anyone because that my little brother (which is 15)would be bully about it an they dont want that for him. they told my older brother an he was upset about it but didnt care. my mam told me that she love me very much and more now. my dad didnt handle it very well an had a brakedown over it. but is better about it now. my mothers side of tha family news now but my little brother still dont no to this day, but my father wont tell is side of tha family for some reason.. its driving me mental that i cant be my self and living in secret, i try talking to them about it but they just say tha that your brother will be bully an people wont like you because of it, and i cant handle people talking about it.. im 21 and putting my live on hold because of it. two years later i still live in secret. what can i do?? can you help me please...
I myself am fifteen I am not out of the closet because i am very scared on how my friends would react to it because i am very good friends with them and I do not want them to think of me differently and I really enjoy hanging out with them.
David,
I'm sorry. I know this is a very hard, confusing, and scary time for you. The friends you lose because they are small minded and judgmental weren't worth having. And the friends you have because you aren't your true self around them, you don't really "have" anyway.
I wish you much love and understanding on your journey.
one other thing i am worried about is being made fun of at school and being bullied because right now i am not the coolest kid and not really liked
and also i do not know of any other gay kids in my grade so i would be the only
David,
This is hard. I know you don't want to be the only one. And, I would bet my kidneys that you aren't. But you may be the only one that has the courage to be honest. There are groups that can help, like PFLAG. But only you can decide when it's the right time for you to come out. I hope you will at least find a friend you can speak with candidly about all you're going through. Keeping all this inside isn't healthy.
You aren't alone.
thank you so much for the advice because this is the first time i have ever talked with someone about me being gay. i can not thank you enough
This is what this HUB is all about, David. Starting your coming out with people that aren't the most important people in your life, like your parents and schoolmates. Start instead with a stranger, like this.
It will be even better when you take the second step, and confide in a friend.
Namaste.
well the thing I worry about is that if I tell the friend I have been thinking about telling for a while now I would feel like I am trying to be better friends with him and like telling him this so he feels obligated to be a better friend so that is another thing I worried about. Because right now I have a lot of concerns and am really scared on coming out.
I am sorry if I am annoying you by asking all these questions I am just relly scared on what will happen to my future
David
If you have coming out with this friend all twisted up like that, then don't come out to him first. That's what this hub is about. Pick someone you're not so close to, who won't stress you out even further. It can be a total stranger, or an acquaintence first. Breaking the ice will make it easier when you are ready to come out to that friend that you're so concerned about.
I know that and i probably will come out to him first but i want to talk to him more but i know that he understands that people are gay and it is not weird or anything i just am wondering when the best time to come out to him is since i usually only see him in school and that is surrounded by lots of people and i dont want people to over hear and spread it around school and i do not know how i can come out to him without him having a way to get out if he feels uncomfortable. and about coming out to a random person it is hard because i am almost always by a friend of someone i know when i go out
David - I don't think you should come out to your friend at school. You want to be someplace safe and quiet and private, in case things get intense and emotional, for either of you. Tell him you need to speak with him privately, it's important to you. Ask him if he can come over, or if you two can go someplace private. It doesn't even matter if he guesses. If he is any kind of friend, you should be able to impress upon him that you want to do this in private, and he should respect that.
Veronica - as always sound advice flows from your keyboard. I tend to absolutely agree with you regarding your mother knowing (and some other relatives too). I had the experience of thinking that I covered my "gayness" (if you will) flawlessly during high school, regardless of the fact that I was called a "fag" every day. (I usually just looked around as if they must have meant someone else.) At my 25 year high school reunion I had several people come up to me and tell me how inspiring I was to them during high school. That they saw me as someone who was just himself and proud of it. Wow, boy were they wrong. But perhaps the best thing that happened was a semi-friend who I always envied in high school, he was a jock, head of the National Honor Society and blond. All the things me as the short, dark ethnic, effiminate kid wanted to be but was never going to be. We were only semi-close in high school and at the same reunion we got talking. Turns out he was afraid to get too close to me in high school because then the secret that he was gay might get out. He had a rough coming out and said he envied me during high school because it all seemed so easy for me. We are now very close friends and I'm thankful that my own coming out was not as tramatic as the many I've heard.
Scott, I'm so glad you shared that story here. Thank you. It's amazing how differently we are seen through the eyes of others. I'm sorry your friend had such a rough coming out. It's still so unthinkable to me to have real love for someone - relative or friend - that is conditional. It's like saying - I love you but only if you aren't black. Or, I love you but only if you don't get sick. Or, I love you but not if you're a girl.
Happy New YEar Scott xoxoxo
i know i have asked you alot of questions but one thing i really need help with is since i am not out yet alot of my friends that are girls like me and tell me and want to go out with me and i dont want to go out with them because i know i do not like them like that and also i do not want to make them feel like they are the reason i am gay
David
i think you are taking a little too much on. Let go of trying to assume responsibility for others and concentrate on yourself right now. You can clearly tell a person you do not want to go out with them, gay or straight, without adding anything else into it. It really is as simple as that.
I actually just told a couple of friends a couple days ago about myself, they were pretty surprised, but they reacted well, and they are keeping it a secret. I am only sixteen, but I am fine with just a couple of friends knowing and being able to talk to them about things. I don't actually mind living a secret. I dont feel like I need everyone to know. I would rather people that aren't my best friends or something, just not to know, it doesn't really matter to me. I just don't want people being wierd around me. I go to a small school, and no one at my school has come out. There is one gay teacher, and people just are wierd about that... they think he will be checking them out or something... its annoying. So I think I will keel things on the down low. I am fine with the secret. is that wierd?
Luke,
The people that are "weird" are the ones that are uncomfortable around your gay teacher. Darlin' there is nothing weird about you. It's your life, you have the right to go about things the way you want to. If you want your truth circle to be just a couple close friends, then that's exactly what it should be.
I'm sorry your school is small, and the people in it are even smaller. When you graduate and move on in your life, you may feel differently about things. You may surround yourself with people that are loving and smart, instead of weird and small. My wish for you is that wherever life takes you, in or out, that you are always happy and healthy.
Thanks, that means a lot to me.
Much love to you, Luke
xoxo
Hi! I'm currently in the process of coming out and it's the best feeling in the world... kind of. All of my friends know and I'm definitely becoming more comfortable with myself each time I say "I'm gay" out loud. They have all been 100% accepting and see how much happier I am with my life. Now, the most terrifying part has come--my family. I've always struggled with my self-esteem and depression as I was growing up, but now that I'm in college and go to such a liberal school in a big city I'm a completely different person. Being gay isn't seen as a stigma there like it is in most places and that's great for me--its exactly what I needed. As convinced as I am that my parents do already know, I just can't make myself do it! My mom has never been one to react calmly so I have no idea where to begin. I'm thinking I'll start with my sister, then my dad in order to find out where my mom stands and if she (probably) already knows. Religion won't be a problem with acceptance in my family, but where I'm from people are extremely conservative. I feel like they just won't understand. Any advice?
Liz,
Congratulations.
I'm very glad to read that you're attending a college in a place like-minded to your feelings and beliefs. It blows my mind when people are born, raised, remain and die in the same place if they aren't happy.
If your mom already "knows," and believe me I think she does, and your family sees you now have moved to a place more conducive to your being able to thrive, I really have the feeling they've been preparing for this and won't be as negative as you're thinking.
However, if they are, let's prepare for the worst. I'm being VERY extreme here. Worst case scenario is they flip and push you away. Honey, you have friends that love you, you have acceptance and support. Just because these people share DNA with you does NOT give them the right to judge you. Nor does it mean they have to be in your life. That is a choice you can make.
People that only love you conditionally don't actually love you. There are judgmental fuckheads I'm bloodline related to that I haven't spoken to in years and won't speak to ever again. I never even think about it unless the specific topic comes up. In the long run you will live a much healthier, vibrant, happy, and successful life if you let go of people that want to judge, control or condemn you. Worst case scenario, prepare to let them go, even if it's just for a little while.
The truth is if they honestly truly love you, they will come around. They will find a way to deal. Hell, freaking Bush's daughter is gay, you can't get more conservative than that family, and they did not reject her. If your family loves you, they will deal with this.
Please check back in and keep us posted. Best of luck to you.
Hi Veronica, great blog! I'm a (happy) gay guy living in a tiny village in Wales, UK and realising I'm gay was at first terrifying, mainly because I was worried of what people would think (everyone knows eachother where I live). But going to College really gave me a lot more confidence in accepting myself, because it's just so diverse. There's still a stigma around being gay, but I don't care anymore, and after a bout of depression, I'm slowly regaining my self esteem and confidence. I told my best mate in November, and he was great about it; if anything it's made us even closer than we were before - we spend even more time with eachother that before, and I think we both feel so much more confortable. And he genuinely cares for me; I don't know how I would have managed without him. We also joke about how his girlfriend (who's a friend of mine) will react when she finds out her boyfriend spends most of his time with a gay guy! Mind you, I'm still in the closet to most other people; one of my female friends knows and so does my mother - that was the hardest part, but she was fine about it. However, we haven't talked about it since so I'm still a little unsure of how she feels. I'm currently working myself up to tell my Grandmother - we're very very close, and I'm sure she'll be fine, but it doesn't stop you worrying a little. I can now honestly say that I'm actually happy being gay, and wouldn't change it for the world - it's made me a more thoughtful, accepting and diverse person. And it is after all, part of me, like my hair colour or sense of humour. This however, won't help when I tell my Dad; I'm pretty much certain our realtionship will be over. (But we've never been close, and I don't live with him, so what the hell! I can't tolerate ignorance anymore.)
Anyway, what I'm trying to say in this extremely long lifestory is: For anyone who's worrying about Coming Out - trust me - you feel SO much better when you're honest with others, and most importantly - YOURSELF. Hell, you don't have to change, and be suddenly camp or hit the gaybars (not that there's anything wrong with that lads ;) ) BE YOU. And I know it's a cleche, but those who don't accept you for YOU really aren't your friends. Love yourself, people, life ain't a rehearsal - it's the whole damn show.
Ashley,
Oh Sweetie, thank you SO much for sharing your story here and letting people know how much better you feel once you come out. Brilliantly said.
Good luck with Grandma.
xoxo
V
I came out a month ago and told my best friends and my mom and bro later. I had no plan of coming out ever but you see... I fell in love with a great guy and I can't keep it a secret cuz its the happiest news in my life.
My mom is ok with it but she prefers that I be straight instead but at least she's not bugging me about it. And the rest of my friends and specially my bro is fine with it.
I was so scared of coming out, but my boyfriend is a constant source of courage and it made me go and do what has to be done :3
junpei,
Congratulations!
Best to you.
Junpei's very sweet boyfriend linked me to this article, so I thought I might share my experiences too.
I came out to friends online first - which is a bit cowardly, but it helped me get some momentum going.
I remember when I told my best friend over IM, I prefaced it with "I'd understand if you'd never want to talk to me again" - I was so scared he'd hate me! Well, we're still friends, and I feel silly for ever being so worried and ashamed. If anyone gave me touble about it now they'd get an earful. XD
Then, face-to-face, I told my little sister... or, well, I said "I'm...." and got hung-up in awkward silence for five minutes until she guessed it on her own. XD The out-loud part is definitely the hardest bit of it. The advice to practise it on a total stranger sounds like an excellent idea to me.
I told my mom a few weeks later, and she just held me and told me to always use a condom. ^_- Can always count on her for practical advice. She claims she didn't know... but come on, when a little boy wants Little Miss Makeup for Christmas? She must've had an inkling.
This past December I had a surprise - the little sister I stammered over coming out to, she came out to me! It was while we were walking to the store together. I never had the courage to tell my dad, but when she came out to our folks together a few days later, he just smiled to my mom and said "I guess we'll have to adopt grand-kids." ^_- I guess he knew all along.
Nothing's changed between us in my family, even after we both came out. I'm very lucky to have such support from them, and from my friends. In fact, the only person who's ever given me a hard time about it was one incoherent idiot on MSN - and even then it was funny, watching him trip over himself trying to justify his hostility.
Coming out was such a load off of my shoulders, it felt like I was flying afterward. It opened up a whole future to me that I never thought I could have.
Oh, and that friend I was scared might never want to talk to me again? He started his own business offered me a job, so I work for him now. ^_^ The gay thing has never been an issue in our friendship or in the office. He, his girlfriend, and I even went to see Milk together last night!
DMG
I'm glad Junpei's bf sent you this way. Thanks so much for the very meaningful comment.
Hostile Guy on MSN was compensating. There is only one reason to meet the gay issue with hostility, and that's denial.
And that's sad.
I'm glad you were able to see that he was the coward, and you were the brave one.
I appreciate your input about the "out loud" thing. I am a firm believer in it. And I don't think coming out online first was cowardly at all! It was a natural step in the progression. You did this in a smart way, like you said you built a momentum, and you took steps. I admire that.
One last thought for you, DMG. You are an easy read. Coherent, succinct, affable, and witty. You come across strong and focused, but at the same time you don't hide your vulnerability. You my dear, should consider writing your own HUBS, or a blog someplace. I bet there are alot of people out there who'd enjoy reading you, and who'd really benefit from your pearls of wisdom.
XOXO
Well, since my hon and my friend posted their comments, would be a good thing to do it aswell XD
As start, sorry if my english is not correct, as you can guess I'm not a native speaker fo english.
For me was like a transition process. I liked girls, later, found less then interesting than boys, etc, i noticed in the end i prefered boys than girls and when i come out, my sis and his BF (a real friend and someone who i really apreciate) was the 1st ones to know.
My friend was kinda shocked at start, sis said it was okay and she din't really care (also, confessed she was bi... was kinda shocked to know it).
I'm lucky enough to have a great family, my dad din't need any explanation, he's very smart and guessed by himself, so it was not a surprise when i told him (he was smiling an just saying "i already know")
I thought he shared that with mom, but loosk like was not, so mom was really the last one in family to notice, and whe she knew, as in DMG case, she only hugged me and said "just be sure you use the propper protection, okay?"
Lil bro never really cared (and the dog... i think she's okay too XD)
I always thought it like private thing, is not like you're going around the street yelling "YAY! I LIKE GIRLS! So don't seem why I shoudl do it with boys.
But when Junpei appeared in my life, i had the urge to tell to everyone.
Some of my closest friends where a lil bit shocked (they don't see in my the gay sthereotype) but all fo them are okay with it and dont care.
But, to be honest, was hard to tell them, i was affraid of their reaction but, hey, if they are my real friends, they will understand or go away, i was lucky and all of them know and understand now.
Ironically, now that i have a boyfriend my mom seems kidna ankwards about it, i guess thinking is one thing and go for real is another, but she is getting used little by little.
All of this started like 15 months ago. And I'm really happy to let the ones who care knew about it, really helps to let people know.
If i woudl take your advice, due to my joker personality people would thing i was fooling them, but i would gladly give a try ^_^
Cya!
Thanks for sharing, EGJ
Hahahahahaha, no problem, might look easy, but i really had some hard times doing it... my way of acting was not the best, is normally "do it, don't think on it and deal with what could happen later", left some clues, yes (is always more easy if they ask you directly, but as you said... they know, they aren't waiting for me to let them know I'm ready to tell them).
Your advice certainly would be a great help in time. Looking at it right now... was really impulsive from me XD
Anyway, again, thanks for that marvelous advice.
When I was in high school I came out to my best friend. It was hard. It was a very emotional thing for me to do. I was so worried that he would judge me - perhaps even not like me any more. I knew he was my bud and I trusted him. He drove us around for hours knowing I had something to say - he saw my hurt. That was 20 years ago. We talked last weekend for over three hours. He's still my bud. It was, in the end, a great experience. My friend's name is Dave. His wife and two children live in Norfolk, VA. I work for a non-profit.
Paul,
I'm so thankful for people like Dave.
Thanks for sharing your story.
I read this and began to cry! But I was smiling at the same time! I'm so terrified about coming out to my parents, but with an article like this, I feel better already! I'm still extremely scared, but this has lightened my mood a lot.
I've already come out to my friends, and I've already received awful comments from ex-gay people at school. Lol But, with my friends support (and a lot of them admitted to being gay/lesbian/bi right after I did!) I feel relieved.
At first, I thought I was just kidding myself, because me and some of my friends pretend to flirt with each other all the time, but I realized that I had a major crush one of my friends. I've moved on from her though, and am currently not in a relationship, but I feel content anyways! =] My only problem is my psycho, controling mother haha!
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. Im 24 yrs old and just recently came out to my best friend and room mate. I have always known I was gay, but I was so deep in the closet I didn't know if I would ever come out. It has taken me years to finally accept myself. Telling my friend wasn't something I planned, but it was something I knew I wanted to do. We have become very close over the past few years and I knew he would accept me. One night it just came out. We were sitting on our balcony and I just told him. People were right just saying, "im gay" is alot harder than I thought. I was a little surprised at how emotional I became. I couldn't help it, all my life this secret has been slowly eating away at me. To finally tell someone was unbelievable. He was awesome about it. Nothing has changed, we might be better friends now because my attitude has changed.
I only told him about two weeks ago but everyday I think I become more comfortable with mysef. I still have a long road. My Mom and my Sister are next. Im not to concerned with my sister( just about positive she knows)but my Mom is very religious and set in her ways. If she knows it's only because I have been single for so long and she wonders why. In her mind there is a certain stereo type for all gays and I don't fit that at all. I hope it doesn't hurt our relationship, but she has to understand that this is who I am and have always been.
My bigest concern is my boss. i manage a privately owned retail store. I have been here since high school and plan to invest in this business and hopefully make a career out of it. I have already invested over 6 yrs and worry that I will lose my job. I know I shouldn't have to worry about my employer but it's just him and I here. We are very close, he has been the closest thing to a Dad ive ever had. I don't know If he can handle it. He is a good guy but he is very intolerant, and as far as he knows so am I. I feel bad that someone I care about doesn't really know me at all. I constantly hear the slurs and jokes, faggot this faggot that. I have always brushed it off and just laughed but since I came out to my friend it is really starting to bother me. I don't know if i'll ever have the courage to tell him. I think eventually i'll either tell him or leave, or tell him and get fired. Either way its a scary thought in this economy.
Anyway it's great have a place to share stories and just vent. Im not really one to give advice, but its very true start with friends or a stranger or whoever. Just start somewhere because it feels great to be your self even if it is just with one person.
I'm 16...Alot of people at school know I'm gay. They know who I'm dating, which I didn't want anyone to know..yet.. I told some of my friends, cause I knew...well.. I thought I could trust them. So far, all of them except 2 haven't said anything to anyone about it. I can't tell my parents. I know they are going to find out in a short period of time, because it's going around town. And I live in a VERY small town =( but I'm just worried that she might kick me out. I know I can go stay with my bff, or maybe my bf, but I'm just afraid of how shes going to react. Shes VERY religious, which I am not. Any suggestions? <3
Zach,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much turmoil and stress. It really sucks that you can't tell your parents because they are "religious" instead of spiritual. That's such a shame, and they will miss out on so much because of that.
I wish I had a magic answer, but I don't. One day this time will be behind you.
xoxo
I just just came out to my friend a today. I felt good doing it, but there reaction only made me feel worse than ever. I am young, and my friend laughed at me, said I was to young to know, and left. I feel horrible, and now, I'm even more afraid and lonley. If that's how my friend acts, how will my parents, my guy friends? I was ready to come out, and I have no one to talk to now.
Billy,
I saw an interview with Amanda Bearse once where she said she knew when she was about 5. I know of a little girl right now who is only 5 who really likes boys, and you can tell she already has a handle on her sexuality. While i believe sexuality matures, and that it is completely possible not to know your preferences until well into adulthood, I'm also positive that you can "just know" at a very early pre-pubescent age.
Your friend that laughed certainly didn't do you any favors. But maybe this person was just trying to over compensate for their own inability to deal with this news, or their own feelings of similar direction or even confusion. Sweetie, one person's laughter does not mean everyone else is going to react in a poor way.
If this is a good friend, you should be honest with them and let them know that their laughing at you was horrible, and has made you feel lonely and scared. They may offer some kind of insight into why they'd react like that. Meanwhile you are not helping yourself festering on this. This person can't know whether or not you know. Do not give them that kind of power.
xo
Veronica, I bow down before you! This is excellent and it's great that you've chatted and helped all these teenagers who contacted you on here, and you took the time to consider each one's posting carefully before replying. This is brilliant. It's always good to be able to give back somehow.
I have a question? My partner and I do not live together and we have been together for 5 years. He has yet to tell his mother which lives out of state that he is gay. Now I have sent his mother cards for Christmas, Birthday's, Easter...not tell me she does not know he is gay. I have been wanting to go the next step of doing the move in and having a true partnership. What do I need to do about getting him to tell his mother so that we can get on with our lives. I need some advise. I am 52 and he is 46 unfortunatly his mother is 82 but very sharp and healthy. I want to be able to spend my life together but I am afraid he won't tell his mother just because he is not willing to commit but yet not only making my life miserable and he being an only child is not afraid to spend his life alone. What do I do from here? Do we go to speak to someone who will help us? I really think he is waiting for his mother to die and he will never have had to tell her about his life. I am not willing to live my golden years alone. How do I get him to tell her. Please give me some advice.
Frustrated
Frustrated,
I am not sure from what you've shared what is going on with your partner. You may be right, he may be waiting for his mother to pass away before taking the next step with you so he never has to tell her. However, considering her age, I do not think that will mean you'll be spending your golden years alone.
His mother knows he's gay. I guarantee it. The question is, can he really think at this point in his life that she doesn't know? Or, does he really believe at this point in his life that her love is conditional, and will be pulled away from him if he tells he's ready to "go public" by moving in with you. It's sweet that you send her cards, you should keep doing that while he's working this through.
Couples therapy is certainly an option. If there is another reason regarding why he is slow to take that next step with you, that should reveal in therapy.
Coming out is a very difficult thing for alot of people despite the support that's around them or not. I do not know what is going on in your lover's brain. But here's my advice: Be as clear and as calm and as not judging as you can be. But make sure he knows your feelings on this. Honest communication is the key to any successful relationship. Just make sure that when you talk to him about this, you're talking about your needs, and not judging him for his.
Can you feel the difference between these two wordings? -
"I need a more solid feeling about my future. I really have alot of love to give and I want to be in a committed relationship. I want to live with you."
OR
"You need to tell your mother. You need to come out. If you don't come out then we can't make it."
The former will get you heard. The latter will push you farther apart. No one wants to feel judged or nagged or pushed, especially by the person they love the most.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Well after talking with my partner when he came back from his mothers over the weekend he did tell me that he wrote her a 2 page letter and put it into her Mother's Day Card. Now her birthday is today and he is still not sure if she has opened her Mother's Day card, but in him speaking with he last night he said her voice sounded like there was a question waiting to happen. He did tell her that I was more than just a friend after explaining his lifestyle. I told him to give it a couple of weeks and if she has still not mentioned anything he may want to ask if she has any questions. I have made an appointment for counseling and I am going to go by myself first and the 2nd session I am planning for my counselor to meet with him the 1st half of the session and bring us in together for the remainder. I hope that things will be able to progress so that he can feel free to be able to move to the next step which is to join households.
Frustrated
Frustrated,
Thanks for letting me know how things are progressing. I hope you'll continue to do so.
You're taking initiatives while still being patient, you're taking steps for yourself and your future, and you are communicating clearly. You're exemplary. I really do wish the best for you.
Namaste
Went to counseling last night alone and talked about our relationship. I am having him go with me the next time in 3 weeks. I am to ask him to make a list of what he wants out of our relationship and where he wants it to go and what time frame to accomplish our list. I am to do the same. We are also to ask when we give a gift just to show how much we love eachother and not for any special occassion what we would like to recieve. Now I am just one if I see something special I will just pick it up and give it to him. Now he is an engineer and never shows to much emotion. But she said if you get him something that he will like his emotion may change. Now I like flowers and he thinks they are a waste of money and just die. So I bought him a rose and he said no know I am not a flower person. So I told him I am and if it make me happy then I have accomplished what I set out to do. It should come from the heart and the other person should always accept what we do for them as a token of our love whether something dies or just sits on a table. I have every card he has ever given me over the past 5 years and would not part with them. Did I mention he is not really a card person either. But the whole point of the story is that he is willing to go see my counselor and will let you know what happens. Who knows may have a commitment ceremony before the end of the year.
Frustrated
Hi Veronica,
I'm fifteen years old, and it was only recently that I admitted to myself for the first time that I'm gay. I mean, I've known it for years, but I've always been too afraid to admit it. For me this was the hardest part of the process. After I admitted it to myself, I started telling my closest friends, which I found easier with some people, but with others it was a little more difficult. But the more I tell people, the more I feel comfortable with it, like it isn't such an issue. I used to feel so awkward and alienated about it, like it was so unnatural. Now I realise it's more common than I thought, and I'm not alone, and I can't hide my sexuality. I ought to just accept it and move on.
Although I've only told a handful of close friends, and asked them to keep quiet about it for the time being, I really want to be open about it, and start having relationships, not caring who knows it. I'm mostly worried about what my close guy friends will think - whether they'll try to avoid me or just be disgusted - and telling my parents. I know you say that a mother knows, but I don't think mine has a clue. All I know is that she'll be extremely disappointed about it! I'm not that worried about my father's reaction, not as much as my mother's. He doesn't bang on about grandchildren all the time.
Although I have my worries about coming out, I'm still really looking forward to letting everyone know. It's about time - I've hidden it for years, and I'm pretty sure a lot of people have guessed already (although some of the reactions I got from one or two people were very interesting - they really didn't have a clue!) but I just know it will give me a huge sense of identity, as if I can be more myself. I really am sick of pretending!
Just thought I'd share my own story, as a gay teenager in the process of coming out!
Thanks, Jake.
I'm 16 now, I came out to friends when I was around 13 or 14, and to my father and sisters when I was 15. I had only intended to tell me sister, but that led up to me telling my father the same night. I was terrified when I had to tell him, but once I finally got it out and said it, he was super cool about it, gave me a hug and told me not to let anyone give me shit for who I am. That's probably the nicest thing he's ever said to me.My mother doesn't know, I don't think. I'm not sure if anyone in the family ever told her. But. I don't care if she knows or not. I don't really think she'll be a part of my life after I'm 18.
Everyone that I've told has been really supportive of me. It's been pretty great, actually. Personally, I wish I wasn't gay, but, I am, and at least it's been a pretty smooth road so far.
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Dear Veronica,
Just a bit of background information:
I am a gay male and am currently 17 years old, almost 18. I am about to graduate high school, and after summer, I will be attending a university 1 hour away from home. The area I live in is particularly homophobic.
Problem:
Now I have both male and female friends. As college approaches, the pressure to come out of the closet increases. Not to everyone, of course, but I am just dying to have someone to hang out with while being my true self. I also want to retain most of my close high school friends. Most of my female friends are pretty open and I am pretty sure that I can come out to them without much of an issue. However, I really want to remain friends with my male friends, and as much as I want them to accept homosexuality, I don’t think that they will ever talk to me again or just not feel comfortable around me once they find out I’m gay. They are your typical homophobic 18 year old guys. So what do I do? Continue to “play a role” while hanging out with them, go away to college, and never tell them the truth, or let them know and take the very high risk of never being able to hang out with them again.
By the way, terribly sorry about the mass of jumbled characters at the beginning of my post. I copied and pasted and did see it before posting.
Jake and Emmy, thanks so much for sharing your stories here.
Ryan,
"Friends" you have to play a role with, aren't friends. People that don't know the real you, aren't friends. People that you believe are in your life conditionally, aren't friends. People that will only be your "friend" under those certain small minded conditions, aren't friends. And when you hide your true self from someone and pretend to be someone else, you're not being a friend.
It's up to you whether or not you're ready to come out. But neither decision changes the fact that these people you sound so desperate to hang with are NOT your friends.
When you leave for college, when you have people in your life that aren't there conditionally, who know the real you, who you don't lie to about who you are.... when you experience what it's like to actually be a friend, and have friends, you will most likely feel very differently about this group of boys than you do now. And who knows, maybe in time with certain steps and growth on everyone's part, they really will be your friends.
But right now, they are not.
I really want you to absorb that. If you chose to come out to these boys, and they reject you, you were not rejected by friends. You were rejected by strangers that you shouldn't want to be hanging out with if they feel that judging.
And if you come out to them and they accept you, then the friendship starts at that moment, and not before.
I Was so Worried about telling people i was gay then i just told one of my best mates when i was 14 they gave me a big hug and then i told my mum she said i knew since you were born then everyone knew and it turns out its not such a big deal afterall even the buch tough lads at school said you are still the same person that was so nice of them so dont be worried its not as bad as everyone makes it out to be my mother is not bothered we have a even closer relationship since i told her.
from Jordan,16
theres a plus side to being gay you dont have to worry about getting anyone pregnant lol
Wow, all these stories are so inspirational. It's such a comfort to know that I am not the only person going through the coming out process. I am 17, and I knew i was gay ever since I can remember. I hid this from everyone for so long. I really hated myself for a long time. But, I realized that it wasn't worth beating myself up over. You're constantly living a lie, and it's just not healthy. I came out first to one of my closest freinds. Everyone is so right about saying, "I'm gay," outloud. Two words, that haven't been able to voice themselves for so long, were so hard to say. I finally said it, and she was completely accepting. She hugged me, and told me that she thought she would never be able to feel this close to me, and that she was excited for everything to come. That was such a confidence booster. Slowly but steadily, my self-esteem grew. I told two other friends, and they too were so accepting. It's a great feeling. I can finally be myself and let the guard that's been up for 17 years down. Now, I can join in with my friends saying, "That guy's hot!" Something that is so little but means the world to me. I'm in the process of coming out to my parents now. AAHHH! I know my mother will be accepting, and she probably knows. It's that feeling you get around her that she's trying to protect you until you are ready to come to her. My father, on the other hand, will be a different story. I know he won't accept it. I don't know when I will come out to them or how. I'm just very glad that I came out to such supportive friends. They have made this so much easier for me. I'm reaching the point where I just don't care what people think about me after I tell them I'm gay. I know that I have my true friends behind me, and if other people aren't going to accept it, then I don't need them in my life.
This site, by the way, is awesome. Veronica, you're such an inspiration. Your words of wisdom and advice give me a feeling of uncontainable happiness. Thank you so much for everything. I hope that some day I can be as comfortable with myself as you. : )
Good Luck to everyone!
Mark
Thank you so much for making my day with your wonderful comment. And thanks for being here with us, sharing your story and supporting everyone else.
Namaste
Hi, I need some advice on what to do here. A couple of months ago I met this guy and he made me realize I was gay, i love this guy and we've been going steady for a couple months now. two weeks ago i was with him in my bedroom in underwear just laying down with eachother talking, expecting my mother to call me before she got home, she didnt...and she walked in on him and i on the bed. she started crying and did everything that was expected if a mother ever saw that, we talked the day after about everything, she accepted me for who i was. two weeeks later, i sneaked my boyfriend in my house at 1 in the morning just to be with him for a while and then take him home, my mother got up in the middle of the night to check up on me and checked in my room and when she foudnt he door locked she made me open it and knew my boyfriend was in there. she wanted to kick me out..i dont know if she still does, how do i alleviate her pain? she thinks i do not love her or have any respect towards her. what can i do to make things better?
Jose,
Without knowing your age, I'm limited with what I'd advise you do.
I think you're complicating and combining issues here. If you were straight, and sneaking a girl into your room, and getting caught in your underwear, your parent might be just as upset.
Being gay is an entirely different and separate issue from acting irresponsibly, immaturely, and disrespectfully. You are living in your mother's house and obviously disrespecting her rules. If she did say she wants to kick you out, it could be because of that.
I'm sure her having to discover your gay was hard for her. She may have really wanted to think you two were closer. Or, that at least you'd have enough respect for her in her home to have sat down with her and spoken about your feelings.
What you should do is sincerely apologize to her for how you've behaved. You can tell her you're gay, and that she's going to have to accept that about you, just like you accept her for who she is, unconditionally. BUT, you can promise her that her house means her rules, and you will stop behaving disrespectfully, sneaking people in at 1 am.Tell her you messed up, but you love her and you want to start over again.
If you want her to respect you and accept you, behave like a man. Instead of making her "catch" you, or see him in his underwear, ask her to lunch with you and the boy. Introduce them. If she declines, say that's ok. And try again the next week.
Thanks, I'm 16 btw.
Hi guys,
Im a 19 year old college student and I think I might be gay. Recently Ive been having serious panic attacks, including headaches, nausea, difficulty breathing and dizziness. Ive been to the doctor lots of times and they've ran lots of blood tests and breathing tests and nothing showed.
Then the doctor said that a lot of young people experience this when they are questioning their own sexuality. When he asked me if i was experiencing difficulty with my sexuality, I promptly said no, but in the back of my mind I know Im gay. My mother even said that if that was the reason, she'd have no problem with it, but I just cant seem to come to terms with it myself and this anxiety that I have every day is dreadful. I dont know why it is as two of my closest friends are gay. Also Im not a very emotional person at all so that may be part of the problem.
Im wondering if these symptoms are common and if anyone else has had these kind of problems coming out??
Any advice you guys have would be greatly appreciated.
What you're doing here is great by the way.
Thanks so much,
Max
Max,
I have heard of people have panic attacks for all kinds of reasons, including the struggle to accept and love yourself.
Kudos to your mom to say aloud that she has not problem with your being gay. Sweetie your health is becoming compromised. This is a cycle that will adversely affect your mental and physical health for the rest of your life. You have a doctor that is working with you, and a mother that is encouraging you to be healthy. I think you really need to do this. Come out.
Stop over thinking it and sinking into your self created complication of "coming to terms." You are what you are, as god intended.
Practice - stand in front of the mirror and say "I'm gay" out loud. Write it down. Say it to a stranger. Spell it out in a scrabble game with your mom. Stop thinking and over thinking and creating new angles with which to think. Just do it. For the sake of your health.
I'm an older homosexual guy,just decded to come out. I'm publicly gay in a lot of places but not everywhere - I'm geting there though!! Thanks for the advice!!!
Congratulaitons, Hugh! Best to you.
Hi V.
Basically I'm in a bit of a situation, I've come out to my best friend and some other friends, and my aunt, but my mum has a new, very homophobic boyfriend, and when she talks to me its always "Wait untill you get a girlfriend", I really want to come out to her, but with her boyfriend on the scene, I can't, and also everytime I plan to come out, I just cant get those words out, its so furstrating, I'm living a lie to my own family, i do agree with you that she may know, is that why she keeps saying girlfriend? and keeps on about having a girlfriend to me? please help me V.
x
Hi Dan,
It's wonderful that you've come out to your aunt and your friends. And yes, I do think your mom probably knows and is making those comments as a defense mechanism.
This is going to be a little blunt but here it is - I feel badly for anyone who's lonely, and that fear of being alone and lonely is a highly motivating thing for people in relationships with less-than-perfect people. Your mom may be putting up the front of denial and making those comments because she knows if it is true and you're gay, she's going to lose her bf. Maybe she thinks he'll leave, or maybe she feels he'll be an asshole to you and she'll have to choose.
This is not your problem, Dan. It's just a part of reality. If her bf is hateful to gays, then he has other hate and intolerance in him and he isn't a worthy partner. Period. If he is homophobic because he's in denial of his own inner truth - which I believe ALL homophobes are - then this is even more reason for your mom NOT to be in a relationship with him.
With family members and friends knowing, I think you need to take this step and tell her. I know the words are hard. That is what the article was about - saying them out loud, breaking the ice. Getting used to the sound before you have to have one of those very real and very important conversations with someone very close. Maybe you could talk to your aunt or one of those friends, and just make it a point to keep saying "I'm gay" so you can get used to it a little more. Maybe that will help your grounding when you take your mother's hand and tell her you love her, unconditionally, and you're gay.
You could ask your aunt to be with you when you do it, if her and your mom are close. That might help. Sadly I don't have a magical answer for you, just some little ideas, and the truth that you already know to be - you have to just do it and tell her.
xoxo
Im gay and im planning to come out to my best friend as i trust her. But im so upset and frightened about what may happen when i tell everyone, people will never look at me the same way again, no family member will either, they will look at u and think hes gay. not many people understand and im very worried.
Recently my grandads brother died and he came up to me and said, your the only boy left in the family u need to have children and carry on the family name. I know i will never have children and i feel so bad for letting him down about not having children. As i am a 4th child in a second marrage, my father is 60 and is quite old which he will have the same sort of views about gay people. My sister came out to my mum and me that she was bisexual, but she can still have children etc. Im worried i just wish i wasnt gay it'd be so much easier for everyone.
Im sorry to all those people out there that i have offended but im really upset and i just want this to all be other with and not live a lie.
Jamie,
You're very sweet. Way too sweet to burden yourself with other people's shortcomings.
The idea of having children to carry on a family name is absurd. It's one of the most selfish reasons I've ever heard to have children. You should have children because you love children, and you have qualities that would lend toward the ability to raise children in a healthy, safe and loving environment. You should not have children because your ego is so big that you're willing to procreate for the illusion of immortality.
It's very sad to me that you have relatives that would inflict such shit on you, as to say to you that you need to breed so their name can live on. I really wish you had relatives instead that said things to you like - "I hope your life is filled with love, acceptance, and happiness."
You have nothing to be sorry about, sweetie. The people you think you have "offended" are the offense.
You will find as you live your life openly and honestly, that you will attract the same. You will draw people to you that have the ability to accept, and cherish, and love you unconditionally. If you find that you've lost some family along the way, please realize that anyone who loves you with such rigid restrictions and can't love you if you're honest, aren't worth having in your life. They will only cause pain. If it wasn't your being gay, it would have been something else that disappointed them.
Start by speaking with your sister. You may love your family, but you can't go on thinking their ideas and projections have any validity. Don't let them destroy your sweetness. Good luck to you.
I am gay and I have come out to my two best friends and they love me anyway. I know that my parents know because they make comments that they are just waiting for me to say it. I'm really hesitant about confirming their suspicions and I'm not really sure why. I'm sure that my mother has known since I was little. I know how they will react and I'm not scared of their reaction because they told my brothers and I that they would love us no matter what. I think the reason why I am so hesitant is because my mom's family will make it a huge to do when I come out to them and potentially embarrass me. My dad's family is a completely different story, I have a cousin who is gay on my dad's side so it won't be a big deal to them that I am gay too. I'm pretty sure that my whole family has their suspicions because I have never had a boyfriend and my aunt asked me if I was gay a couple years ago and I told her no because I was still figuring it all out and I wasn't sure yet. I tried to make myself straight and I hid the fact that I am gay from myself for a long time. Now that I think about it I have been attracted to girls my entire life but I never admitted it.
I was talking on the phone with my best friend while she was at work one night when they weren't busy and I was telling her that I want the world to know so she asked if she could tell her coworker and I told her to go ahead. She told her coworker that I am gay and she said 'cool.. me too' it's so easy to tell a perfect stranger but i freeze up when i think about telling my parents. Sometimes i feel like i'm ready but then other times i'm not ready at all. I've had this discussion with my best friend and she told me that she will be there to support me when i am ready. I freak out when my mom grabs my phone because my wallpaper is a gay pride flag and I don't let her in my room because I have a couple of posters that I don't want her to see. The biggest that is holding me back is that I'm the only girl and I feel obligated to marry a man to give my mom her dream of her little girl marrying her prince charming. I'm just having a hard time telling her that my prince charming is going to be a princess. That sounds really corny now that i see on my screen but it sounded cuter in my head.
Hey. Im 14 and ive come out to alot of my close friends and even too my cousin, but anytime when i want to tell my family i freeze up. please help me!
-Stanton
Having already come out to some of your friends is a great start. Try practicing on them. Don't laugh, I'm serious. Saying the words, getting the dialogue in order in your head, getting used to the feel of the words will all be very helpful. When you do come out to your family it probably won't go as you had rehearsed, but those practices will still give you a foundation to start with.
If you feel there's one person in the family that will be dealing with this hardest, why not recruit another member to tell first, and be with you when you tell that person.
Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
Great Hub- I will be turning 34 in a few weeks, I came out almost 2 years ago. It was very hard since, I was a Prominent United Pentecostal Church Minister.
Not only was there the challenge of facing all my friends, family, and colleagues, there was years of guilt not accepting myself. I was lucky to find a wonderful church family in Tampa called Potters House Fellowship International. Not only did they accept my homosexuality they celebrated the way God Created Me!
Someone told me when I first came out, that you never really stop coming out. There is some truth to that statement. Life is a journey and just when you think you have it all figure out, there is a new bend in the road. But you won’t enjoy the trip if you can’t be honest about the driver!~ I don’t regret coming out, there is no greater feeling in the world then been in the arms of a Man who loves you! Feel free to check out some of my writings about me coming out- I am fireball34
Thanks for sharing your story here, fireball34. I'm glad you had a positive experience.
Hi,Veronica. I am not really scared, but more of nervous. About coming out. I really just want to be able to tell them, But I here one positive story. And I'm like, "Ooh! I'm going to tell my mom." And then I here one of the negatives, and it brings me back down. I need help. I wan to be able to live freely, knowing that I'm not lying, hiding, or covering up anything.
Help me please.
Sharrod,
There are positive stories, and there are negative stories.
And then, there is YOUR story.
In the end, no one else's positive or negative experience is going to have any bearing on your unique experience.
And in the end, it's just not really possible to control anyone's reactions.
For now, focus on your story, your facts, your words, your needs instead of anyone else's story. Focus on the things you can control: the words you choose, the things you need to say for yourself. The way you need to feel, the way you want to live. In this as in all parts of life, you'll be a happier person when you worry only about what you think, instead of what everybody else thinks.
Your wanting to live freely, not lying, is a brave & beautiful thing. I'm proud of you.
You're not doing this for them, you're doing this for you. So, just do it. For you. Please please believe me when I tell you this - there is no one in the world who's approval of you is more important than your own.
I promise.
Mothers do not always know, trust me. you should have seen her face yesterday...haha :)
Loved your hub--and the comments and answers afterward. It reminded me of when I came out when I was 24--I knew when I was a teenager, but, like so many others, fought it because I didn't want to disappoint family and friends. I took the very long route to coming out to the family. Everyone else, family and work, knew LONG before I ever told my parents. I actually only voiced it to my mother about 3 years ago, when I was 37, even it was pretty obvious by then anyway (you know, having the same "roommate" for the past 13 years, kind of a giveaway lol).
Even though my parents don't like the idea, they've pretty much accepted it now. In the words of my father, "At least you have a job with health insurance and retirement!"
By the way, my hat's off to all you teens who have the courage to come out now. I know I didn't have it!
Thanks for such a good read - posters for your stories, and Veronica for a stellar article and really great advice. I'm 23 and I guess I've always known - I thought I was bi for a long time, but (not even) 2 weeks ago I came out to my best friend (she's a straight f, I'm male) about being bi - ever since then I'm really starting to believe (or admit?!) I'm gay. She's been the best thing I could ever have hoped for, so so supportive to me. When I asked her 2 days ago if she'd come with me to a gay bar for support, I was watching her eyes and she didn't even flinch, just an outright 'of course I will'. I love her so much for her support and know I couldn't do it without her.
Some of the comments on this site have brought tears to my eyes as I'm so confused at the moment, but they really have made me feel better. I don't know if I want to be gay, I don't know how others will react when I tell them, but I know deep down I am who I am and if they can't handle it then, well, bollocks to 'em!
I guess there's not too much point to this post, I just wanted to give back and say thank you for such a good read which has really helped me. Also a lifetime's worth of thanks to my friend who's been so supportive - I know she'll almost definitely never read this, but without her I couldn't do it.
Hi mward, thanks so much for your thoughts.
Hi Lewis!
Thanks so much for your comment, it means alot to me.
Kudos to your best friend, she sounds like my kinda gal.
xoxo
Hey, I kinda came out to my parents this year, I'm 21 and I wrote an email to my sister to read to my family while I was away. I'm Indian and assumed it would be clear cut, like many caucasian families. I wrote in the letter that I want to be totally accepted for who I am, or not at all. And wrote a reminder that if my family choose to accept me, I dont want to be made to feel guilty that my parents are going to have grandsons, or a daughter-in-law. It's such a lonely feeling, because my caucasian friends have said, fuck your family if they don't accept you, yet family for me is necessary, it's a form of stability. At the same time, coming out has changed nothing. I felt such a huge load come off of my soldiers initially, but I'm still at square one. My dad told my sister I need to pray to God to 'sort it out', my mom didn't comment, and my sisters aren't bothered either way. It still seems as though it's a dirty little secret. I know my entire family knows about it and that all of our relatives know about it, and that's not the problem, the problem for them would be me addressing it. If I'm gay and I marry a woman, that's okay, but if I'm gay and I'm openly saying, yes I'm gay and I plan on living as an openly gay person, that's considered to be shameless. I wish I could speak with somebody who relates to what I'm saying, and doesn't judge me for my situation. I've become religious since the last couple of years to help me deal with my predicament. I feel I have more at stake: being a Sikh, I'm not going to be accepted at all by the Sikh community, and doubt I'll feel accepted amongst many gay guys having a beard and wearing a turban.
hello Nav. I cant really relate to your situation but i know that the hard part for you is ending. Your family know about your sexuallity and they have to deal with it. Be free but dont rub it in. Religion teaches people that only the god(s) decide our fate so as long as (s)he accepts you then you are fine. I am a christian but i had to give up my faith because i felt judged. I then joined another church who accepted me. I later married a man and the church accepted us both. I think that there are far worse things that could happen to someone than being gay.
hello V .. for many years now i have known that i am gay though i am young i am currently 15 but have known since i was about 9... people ofetn say hpow did u know if ud never been with a man... i cannot explain ti myse;f but the attraction was not there with women its something u can just feel in your bones and soemthing that sent my blood rushing when i saw an attarctive man. i like many went therough a big stage of severe depresssion but the rest of the world were blind to it my face was a happy smile but inside i was weeping and tortured i could not come to grips with my own sexuality. i hated myself. i was convinced that i would give anything to be someone else or to be as i thought was normal. then the denial came. i denied it every second it my head and fought with every fibre in my being against who i was. but it could not last. over the last 2 years i have accepted myself, and learnt to love me for who i am now i wouldnt change mysefl for the world. firstly i came out to some very close friends who happened to be girls .. all of them ,i suppose i always found it easier to make friends with girls especially in ym teens it just felt right but anyway all i have tld until now have been very accepting kind and genrally wonderfull abotu it i feel completely normal as i should and we often laugh and joke around and i speak as myself to them ... the feeling of freedom is unlike anything else....wonderful....i guess all my closest friends were true. as yet though i ahve yet to tell a boy.. i have many male friends but for some reason i am more nervous with them than with the girls...but not only is the fear of telling my male friends looming the fear of telling my family is even greater. i told my friends forst to test the waters and ease myself in sometimes i still fond it difficult to outloud infront of them all say i am gay... but thats just an issue of time i havent quite got used to being open about it yet its comign fast though x... my family are not heavii;y religious my nan is and an auntie but at the end of the day i feel very strongly against homophobia and even for a second if they give me any shit about it ill freak... i know they need time but i cannot understand theyre selfishness!! cannot tell that saying it and accepting myself was hard enough ni dont need people givinhg me crap about religion and being diseased or unwelcome i will erse those people from my life . if your own grandparents dotn love you because you are gay they are ass poorly educated and close minded as their views. anyway moving on from that rant.... i am becomign very nervous with telling ym household family because that will affect my life heavily.... if things go badly i could end up living a terrible life or feeling constantly unwelcoem or worse homeless!! thoug h i doubt the last one. would u advise that i geta freind on standby incase things go wrong so that i can stay with them? and do u think i should perhaps tell my sister first? and then work my way through my family? and in your opinion is it best to have a sit down meeting with ur family and announce it to them or a letter? or maybe singular confrontation? 20 question si know sorry.. x
though i am nervous about telling people i am emotionally attched to that i am gay, i am confident with those who mena little to me the greatest advice i could give anyone in my position is take on the stereotype when it comes to a homophobia and negative comments from like school people. unleash your inner bitch xx if afetr i have completely come out i school someone shouits acorss the class room shut up you gay twat i would quite simply snap my head towards them and announce very sarcastically "yes thats right! well done ! i am gay , if you have a problem with that perhaps yu should start thinkign why your so uncomforatble? afraid u might to perhaps? x
Charlie says:
3 years ago
My brother is gay, and he came out to me and my wife first. I was surprised because we weren't that close then. But maybe he chose me because he knew I would not judge him. I understand this better now. He must have been scared out of his mind. Our father wasn't good about this.