I have been thinking and I read a hub today that made me think even more about my past and resentments and hurts.  I have been doing a twelve step recovery class through my church.  It is Rick Warren and John Bakers book Celebrate Recovery.  I do admit it helping me with my hurts and my hangups.  I think if I did not have that program to go to I would still hang on to my hurts from my past.  

Almost seven years ago I left a guy who was hurting me physically, emotionally and verbally.  It was for the better that I left him.  Maybe I shouldn't of left him the way I did, but I honestly think if I would of told him I was leaving him it would  not of been as easy as it was for me to leave.  Instead of telling him I was leaving, I waited till it was easy for me.  I waited till he went a way for a weekend and left me at home.  So the night he left I called three people and said I was ready to leave.  My friend said she would be there to pick me up in about three hours.  My other friend said you will be staying with me and its all good.  I admit I was scared not knowing what to think.  So in that three hours or so I wrote him a letter, I think I started it a hundred times before I finally got out that I was leaving him and I had no desire to be with him any more and I didn't think he was going to change and I couldn't be with someone who treated me like that any more.  I left it on the bed so he would see it when he got home for the weekend.  As I was leaving I told his dad goodbye not knowing that would probably be the last time I ever saw him again.  He asked me where I was going and I said to a friends house since I have to work  in the morning and it would be a lot easier if I just stayed with her that night so I could get to work in the morning.  It was believable because all I had was my pajamas an extra set of clothes,  hairbrush and toothbrush and toothpaste and deodorant.  It just looked like a over night at a friends house to his dad and his mom, in case he asked where I was.  I thought the plan was brilliant and I would never have to see him or talk to him again or think about him for that matter. 

So I left that night really not knowing what to expect.  I knew in my heart it was totally over and I had someone else in my life now.  I was a bit scared and wondering if he would come try and find me.  The first few days were a bit ruff not knowing what to think or say or how to act.  Sure enough two days later I was at lunch with my friend who picked me up that night on my lunch break and we were sitting there talking and I was saying how grateful I was to her for picking me up that night and how glad I was that I no longer had to deal with that guy and he may have got the letter and realized that I was not coming back.  We said our goodbyes cause I had to go back into work.  As I was walking up to the back door to get in out of no where there he was.  It totally scared me to no end.  I thought in the back of my mind I should just go back and deal with it.  But something was telling me no you don't have to go back.  He said to me Jen we have to talk about this and I said there is nothing to talk about I am done, and we should of been done along time ago.  I tried to walk away but he was crying and telling me how miserable  he was without me.  I kept walking and said no more I am not with you and I don't love you any more and I will never love you any more.  I was escorted in the building after that because he would not leave me alone.  After being back at work for about two hours I got called to the front.  My heart was racing I was afraid it was going to be him again.  Luckily for me it wasn't it was a big thing of red roses and a card saying how sorry he was and he wanted me back.  So needless to say on the way home I had great joy in hanging the flowers out the window and letting the petals fly off in to the wind.  I was done and didn't want to him part of my life anymore. 

It now has been seven years almost since I left him. The first few weeks were tough. I got emails from him telling me I wanted him back and towards the end of those two weeks he realized I wasn't going to take him back and the emails got ugly and mean.  That wasn't going to change my mind and take him back.  I just kept ignoring them and they eventually quit coming.  My life was finally rid of him.  I started living my life again.  Having fun and smiling again.  Hanging out with my friends, doing things I was never able to do when I was with him.  My life was free of him.  I was loving it. 

About a little more than a year ago I started the Celebrate Recovery 12 Step Program.  Little did I know my thoughts of the guy I left have come to resurface.  I wanted to forget all those things in the past with him, after all it had been six years why would I need to remember those things, the past is the past right?  Apparently not.  I held onto a lot more resentment and bitterness towards that whole situation than I ever thought.  I was in Denial the first step, that it didn't effect me.  NEWS A FLASH it did effect me.  I didn't think the things I was doing was a result of that.  Well yes it was.  I was living my life yet again for me.  I was also in denial about hurting him or anyone else.  I realize now that I have probably hurt him and do need to apologize for my wrongs.  I may write him a letter because I don't care to talk to him.  I don't care to see him either.  I am not in denial any more about these things.  I am sorry for the people I have hurt along this journey and hope that one day they will all be able to forgive me, as I learn to forgive myself.   

I have also found in doing these steps and following through with them helps with your feelings of anger and resentment towards the person or persons who have harmed you.  I have come to terms with it in my own way and also I am learning to forgive the ones who have hurt me.  God has also helped me to see to that things are not my fault and that every thing happens for a reason and it will just make me a stronger person in the end when I just trust him and turn everything over to him.  He will make things right.  I don't need to seek revenge because he says Revenge is mine.  He also says that we need to live by the Golden Rule and it is "Treat others the way you want to be treated"

That is a good one.  I think we all should try and think about things like that.  Let go and let God help you through these times.  I know he will help you he has helped me.  I am not totally all the way there yet but I am getting there with God's help.