Man, The Hairless Ape? I Think Not!

When I was just a lad, I had very fine, straight, blond hair. It was easy to brush, although I suspect my folks were a bit baffled about how I got such hair, since both of them are dark-haired. Now, if there was any doubt about my parentage, those questions were dispatched by the time puberty hit. In one painful summer, while I was growing six inches in height, my hair went from fine to wire, just like my dad's hair. At the same time the hair started growing like a banshee on my legs, my chest, and generally speaking any part of my body that did not have hair!

By the time I was a teenager, and started paying for my own haircuts, I decided drastic measures should be taken. First, I started having the hair dressers and barbers cut the top and the sides down to about 1/4 inch, leaving the length in the back. Why? I'm not really that sure, except I suspect it was designed to appease the hair dressers who always protested that I was asking them to cut off all my beautiful curls. Problem was, I didn't think they were so beautiful! Anyone ever look at the hair on Harry Potter? I'm not talking about the Harry Potter in the movies. I'm talking about the front covers of J.K. Rowling's books. Now there's a boy who could understand my plight! Some people are cursed with one noticeable "cowlick," but not me. My whole damned head was one gigantic cowlick!

In my twenties, I discovered that I could use hair sort of like makeup. If I got bored with my face, I'd just stop shaving for a few days and see what developed. In the picture next to this text, I actually grew a beard in the summer time because I wanted to look authentic when I went to my cousin John's wedding. Boy did I ever pay for that decision! As I recall, it was about 100 degrees in the shade on that sunny day in June, and I think I lost about 10 pounds that afternoon, all sweat, sporting a full beard and the regal garments.

My oldest son is adopted, and my first biological child was my daughter Kristen. She is quite happy to have long, golden hair. But then there's my youngest boy, Isaiah. I'll never forget looking at this poor little guy when he came out into the cold, cruel world. Like many babies, Isaiah screamed his head off in the moments after his birth. While the professionals at the hospital were attending to my wife, I held the screaming little rug rat. Now, you're probably saying he was just cold, but I think not! No, it's a documented fact that people lose most of their heat out the top of their head, but with the head of hair that little guy inherited from dad, there couldn't have been much heat escaping!

No, in fact I could swear I could hear Isaiah screaming at me, "Hey you! Yeah you! I see all that hair! You did this to me!"

Growing up, I always thought I would wind up bald eventually. I'm the oldest in my generation on my mother's side, and nearly all the male cousins are, to a certain degree, hairless, and not by choice. I wonder what they think of me, with all those curls, choosing to shave my head, Isaiah's head, and my son Tyler's head, all by choice?

Cousins, if I could, I would give it all to you!