Marriage and Divorce, God's View
83Marriage and divorce, God's View...Truth Is...
It's good to be back! For those who have faithfully followed Truth Is... I apologize for the long wait.
I was talking to a special friend the other day and they asked a question about a very sensitive and sadly quite common subject: Adultry. This prompted the emergence from my hiatus, and after prayerful consideration the following is what has been given to me to share with you...
To put things into perspective, I 'll tell you that I not only am speaking from the written Word, but my own experience; Truth Is...
When contemplating marriage, it is essential to understand that this is not something that should be taken lightly or done out of rash compulsion. Of course, anyone who has been married or considered it has heard this before. But due to our "human-ness" or imperfection, we often push aside the depth of the wisdom in this counsel and go forward into something we later regret and often end up abusing the sanctity of something that is highly regarded by our creater.
Understand this: it was God who actually invented the institution of marriage. Throughout his Word he emphasises his point of view about it and the way that we treat this arrangement can substantially effect our relationship with God! In early Jewish culture under God, He established just how serious the marriage bond should be taken. Read Leviticus 20:10...here it says that BOTH participants in an adulterous relationship should be "put to death without fail...". Pretty deep huh? 1Corinthians 6:9 goes on to say that adulterers are among those who :"will not inherit God's kingdom...". That being said, isn't it a wonderful thing that we have the loving kindness and understanding of our Lord who knows just how messed up we really are at this point in mankind's existence where He will work with us to return us to his favor; and Thank God for Jesus and his unselfishness in providing the basis for such help from his Father!
Now this opportunity for forgiveness is not a "free pass" as it were to commit sin(s) with the expectation of having it/them absolved. To think so and act in such a light would be taking God's benevolence for granted, and in truth rolling the dice as they say with your salvation. As God knows the heart, if there be treachery within accompanied with disrespect for God's arrangement(s) both for marriage and forgiveness, your forgiveness nor salvation are assured. Now there are those who believe that "Once saved always saved" and that one cannot lose their salvation. But of course God has something to say about that when He had Paul write that "I browbeat my body and lead it as a slave that somehow I do not become disapproved...". Now who of us has God ordained to write several books of his Word and to perform acts and deeds such as Paul did? Yet here is paul saying that he was not assured of salvation until as he said he ran the race until the end where he would receive the prize. If Paul could lose his election, be assured that you can too!
As I said, I speak from experience; so let me share a bit of that: I at one time had been involved deeply in the ministry. I needed (or felt so anyway) a wife. Given the Truth about my nature, I probably did need one. My highschool sweetheart had absolutly NO interest in marriage to someone involved in the ministry. It conflicted greatly with her chosen lifestyle. Subsequently, to quench my own primal needs and other base interests I quckly married a most beautiful woman that I had conviced myself I was deeply in love with. She was gorgeous! and a very sweet person too; but I did'nt allow time to learn her or allow the relationship to grow before jumping into marriage. True, in time my love for her became quite real, but by that time I had stepped away from the marriage and commited adultry. Wracked with guilt and shame as well as Godly fear, I told on myself and stepped down from my ministerial position. I do not believe in playing with God and would never take the position of headship/leadership over his sheep when I was totally unworthy. What does God have to do with that which is unclean?
Anyway, the person I cheated on my lovely wife with was none other than my highschool sweetheart! The very one who disdained marriage to me because of my ministry, I allowed to lure me away from it!. Shamed and dejected; full of self loathing, I tried to "fix it", by actually marrying the woman I cheated with. I truly did love her and was sure God would understand and hopefully forgive.Well, as the years passed, our relationship went from bad to worse and great hardships befell us, particularly me. My spirituality suffered the most, and in effect I denied God an instrument He had chosen for his work. I'm sure you know this had no good ending. My descent continued and the negative results from that adulterous relationship affect me and my loved ones to this very day. This is 29 years ago ok?
Let me put this into perspective for you: God DOES forgive. But the CONSEQUENCES of our actions can and will be there. These consquences effect not only us, but our families, friends, and in many cases such as mine, our fellow believers. Just as many within the congregation were hurt by my fall from grace, you never know how many people around you look your way for inspiration and uplifting. That is why the bible counsels us to "watch how we walk". As Christians, that should be the biggest motivation to stay within God's arrangement(s) next to not wanting to displease God himself; that we don't cause a stumbling to our fellow christians. Read Matthew 18:6 for more inspiriation on that note.
What I am saying here, and there will be follow-up articles on this subject; is that we have to remember the part of the ritual that says" What God has put together, let no man put assunder...". That includes women too! Marriage is a pact between you, your mate and GOD! It's a contract that can only be broken by an act of adultry, and we know how God feels about the adulterer!(see above). Sadly it's not always your fault that you're unhappy in a relationship. Several types of abuse can come into play including one rarely spoken of: when your mate ceases to be the person they presented to you and / or ceases to work at the relationship. That is abusive and surely someone out there understands what I am saying.
I particularly feel for the lady who wrote a comment to one of my previous articles that had suffered through a terrible marriage. But she did not forsake the marriage bond out of Godly fear, how commendable! Hebrews 6:10 says that God is not unrighteous so as to forget the suffering(s) you experience for his sake. Truly this woman's faith shall be remembered and deeply rewarded by our heavenly father! Yet it is saddening to think of all that she went through. But is not our entire life a series of tests, trials, tribulations, and true rewards for faithfulness?!
If you are in an adulterous relationship, I encourage to to write to me here at hubpages. I invite you to an open forum where you can remain anonymous, yet receive counsel and exchange information. As I said, there shall be follow-up articles to this one and your questions are not only welcome, but encouraged. in the meantime the one thing that I suggest to each of you is to pray...Pray without ceasing. Prayer brings God into even closer proximity to you, and often prevents you from straying or continuing to stray into dangerous areas of life, it also is the only true way to get to RIGHT answers...TRUTH IS...
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Comments
It's been a while since your last piece, I hope there wont be as long a gap between this and the next one. Very many people place articles on the net, but Truith Is is one of the very few rare ones that truly has something to say that's uplifting and informative for everyday life. I commend you and look forward to seeing more from you. Don't stay away so long this time.
Great hub. I admire such honesty.
Very good writing. You are blessed with great insight.
I hope you remember me. I am the young lady you met this morning on the trolley (12/31/07). I read your article about marriage & divorce and am truly inspired by your words. You told me that I looked too young to have kids and I noticed you looked down at my hands. No, I no longer wear my wedding ring becuase I am separated from my husband pending a divorce. Although I am only 27, I have experienced more pain and hurt being married than ever before. After 5 years, I realized that I am happier alone with my two babies. This is a wonderful article for people in relationships or are looking to get married. Thank you for sharing your own life experiences. Please keep up the good work.
very good stuff
i just got a divorce after fourty yrs of marriage..he left me for a women twenty three yrs younger...i stood for my marriage four six yrs..he just got married to ow.over the holidays..now his partner wants to put him out of the business he has been part of for twenty two yrs..please pray for my finances i am still a partner..yes adultry has many bad effects on everyone..i do not know if i will ever get over the pain..the bad part is i still care about him..i would have taken him back...pray that i can move on..it also destroyed my grown children..my dear daughter just reconcilled with her dad after five yrs..please men and women think twice about lust it all leads to deat of a soul family and of course a marriage....
Your article was very interested. Currently I am in an adulterous affair and it is killing me on the inside. I have a relationship with God and I feel like such a disappointment to Him. I have a ministry that He has called me to and I fight everyday to place my own imperfections to the side to be an inspiration to others. My affair came about because my husband is an drug addict. He would abuse me mentally and physically. He also would ridicule me about the ministry that God has put me in charge over. He did not understand why I wanted to be a giver and a server. I have spent years being a nurturer and a provider for him. I met a gentleman in passing and we had some much in common. He has been a great help to me but I allowed our meeting to go too far. I have not shared this with my pastor out of being ashamed. I have children by my husband and sometimes I think I am holding on because of that. I wanted to comment just because it has been heavy on my heart. I was looking for information for a friend online and came across this.
This is for Wife and Mother...I truly do understand some of what you are experiencing. But the MOST important thing that you stated in you comment(s) was that God has a ministry He is trying to work thru you. It is Your privilage,and duty to fulfill that ministry above ALL ELSE; INCLUDING YOUR OWN PAIN AND SUFFERING. This of course is easy for anyone to SAY. But Truth Is...Prayer is your biggest weapon,tool and ally in this and any situation. The fact that you have'nt sgared this with your pastor indicates either that you have not the true trust in him there should be, or you inwardly are not willing to do what you know that you MUST...end it!.
At this point, your spouse is the one with grounds to dissolve the union. But you didn't state whether you still love him or not...DO YOU? This is but one of a few questions you should ask yourself. Additionally, there is the BIGGEST question: Will God pour that which is clean into that which is unclean? The relationship you are in is definitely wrong; that's why the gift from God, your conscience, bothers you so much. There has to be someone that you can trust who can go into prayer with you and I'm talking about daily intense prayer, especially when you meticulosly avoid the person you are in the affair with...YES, let him GO! Then pray like crazy!
Right now your husband isn't theonly one addicted. You likewise are "self-medicating" with an illicit affair to escape the hash realities that face you at home and otherwise in your life. The most important thought that should be in your mind is concentrating on what it is that GOD has set forth for you to do and THAT YOU AGREED TO DO! Tha is a contract that even if you change your mind, is binding and believe me it is far better for you if God continues to honor it. There probably will be some sort of consequences for your improprities but keep in mind as James says:God does not punish us, we are drawn out by our desires and then reap that which results.
I am NOT condemning you my dear sister. Truth Is has made the very same mistake. Sadly, it took DECADES before I got to this point where I am, and that's not all to wonderful! I both sympathize and empathize with you. But i have learned that we must put God's will before our own, especially those of us He has chosen to minister to his sheep in whatever capacity as we are twicely accountable. Fortunately, He is such a wonderful and magnicent Loving kind Father to us all and when there is true repentence and contrition, there is great and tender mercies from above. I pray that you are able to experince these and soon.
In the meantime, Invite you to contact me again if there is a need to talk, as Truth Is...is here for you and anyone else in need of assistance in the perilous and often trying walk toward salvation. If it were easy, everyone would do it. ....
Matthew 6:33
Much Agape....Truth Is...
Im a married christian woman.My husband and I have been married for almost a year.My husband is not saved,although I pray he will be.I suspect my husband has or is still cheating on me.He will not admit it,but I have found text messages in his phone,with him disscussing sex with another woman.He claims he was just texting with her,and he has not had sex with her,and had no intentions.He says I didnt like having phone sex with him,and that was his excuse for having text sex with her.I can't prove that he has had sex with someone else,either.He did apologize,and said it would not happen again.I still do not trust him,and wonder if he is sleeping with someone.I do still love him,and I believe he can change.I don't know if I should leave him or not.I think if I stay with him,God will change him,if I continue to have faith,and keep trusting God.I think the hard work to keep our marriage will pay off.No one said marriage is easy,so I try to have the attitude that this is one of those hard times that alot of marriages face.I have been praying and asking God to guide me in the right direction.My other concern is I want to stay married because of my relationship with God.I don't know if I should give up on my marriage so soon because I am faced with a problem.Other than this issue of suspected infidelity,we have had no other issues.I need some advice.
This is to oneofheavenzgirlz: My dear Sister in Christ, I feel for you and what you are experiencing right now. it is not an easy thing to go through when there is adultery in a relationship for either party, but particularly for the one who is innocent of offense(s). I commend you resolve to try to work at the situation and pray that if you maintain that resolve all wil fare well for you. But it is incumbent upon me to state that you are under NO obligation to maintain that relationship IF (and only if) it is found that there reallly does exist an adulterous affair or fling or whatever. Contrary to what others may believe; adultry is the ONLY scripturally approved reason to end a marriage.
As many persons do the person above who commented, Tim Burkard, quoted the bible totally out of context. It is God's desire that you work at the marriage, true, as He does hate a divorce; but He also hates adultry! One who goes outside of his marriage is in total violation of the vows that they took before God firstly, and then again against you...this in addition to the fact that they also have victimized themselves in that they remove themselves from an approved state with God. They have invited and welcomed the influence of the Devil into thier lives, your life, and most importantly, your combined relationship with God.
An adulterer rejects the protections and direction(s) of God and follows their carnal spirit. They jeopardize the working of God's spirit within the marriage which has been sanctioned by God himself.
If in fact your love for this person is so strong that you are willing to continue working to save it, you will need to greatly intensify your relationship as well as communication(s) with God. Only He can repair any damage(s) done to the relationship. There are things you must earnestly and HONESTLY consider: Such as whether or not you are capable of truthfully FORGETTING as well as forgiving the offrense. To forgive means that you forfeit the right to recall it when angry or hurt in the future by this person. It would be wriong to throw it in their face over and over. There are too many other problems to making a successful relationship for us to hold on to old or past ones. Think about that thoroughly. PRAY! Prayer is the greatest tool one may use in m,aking decisions(Proverbs 3:5-7). Take your time in making the decision, and make sure that you are ready to handle ALL that comes with the decision that you make. Are there children involved? If so, are you capable of NOT interfering with the mate interracting with and establishing as well as niurturing their relationship with the child or children? Don't make the children suffer because of adult issues. Allow the children to make their on decision(s) when they are of
age.
But be more than certain that this person has or currently IS guilty of adultry before acccusing or deciding they are. Once you know for certain, then go back to God in fervent prayer as to what to do. I say "Go back" because you should be in deep prayer right now. If you've prayed already...Pray anyway! Pray-Pray-Pray...and let God work with and within you.
I am here for you to talk to if you desire, and of course I am and shall continue to be in prayer for you as well.
By the way, other than the anointing that entitles me to speak these things to you. I always endeavor to be totally honest with my readers and thus I'll reveal why I know what I am saying is correct: I at one time committed adultry. I felt so bad that I told on myself. I didn't desire to Play with God or his arraingement(s). Nor did I feel I had the right to deny her the option to choose whethter or not to continue the marriage. Sadly I pressured her too much and lost her. But I and she remain very good friends to this day,her new husband too! God does work things out! No situation is the "End of the World" regardless if it may feel as if it is. Stay strong with God and keep seeking His righteousness FIRST and He WILL be there for all the rest as He promised.
Much Love...Truth Is...
To oneofheavenzgirlz, I apologize for fiorgetting to add something: The facvt that your husband is looking elsewhere for phone sex demonstrates there is something else wrong. Again, you did say that He is not Christian and this is something that we both male and female Christian must consider when choosing to bind and bond with others who are not God and spirit-led. He is not sensitive to what is of God and thereby not really bound to follow God's way. He should as it could cost him not only his salvation, but also happiness, joy and peace now that he would get from a Spirit-led wife. Sex is one of the enemy's biggest and most effective weapons and it is tjhose attached to and a part of God's sheep that he uses it against. I again encourage much thoughtful and heartfelt prayer, and commend you for your faith. God bless and please get back in touch!...
Truth Is...
Great hub.
Great topic. I myself have over and over looked up scripture in regards to this topic. I am in a really big emotional, spritual, whatever you want to call it, battle. My story is long, I will keep it as short as possible.
I am saved, my husband is not, although he is "spitirual" and does believe in God. Except he does not actively seek Him (meaning he shows no interest in church or reading the Bible for himself). I can't honestly say I've been a peach either. I recently re-committed my life to God and have been working on changing MYSELF, and am trying not to point fingers or focus on my husbands flaws. I also have been really interested in deliverance and evil spirits (which I will get to shortly).
We've been together 10 years, married for just over 1. A few months back I found out my husband was having an affair. I confronted him and the other woman but they both continued with it. Now she's pregnant and is finding out the "truth" about him and doesn't want much to do with him. I talked her out of an abortion, as I feel it's wrong, but her keeping the baby is putting a huge emotional strain on our relationship as he feels as though "it's not fair to her to leave her alone, she doesn't deserve that." But I too don't deserve coming second or next to any other woman, and he's also acknowledged that... I wanna cry.
There's also been domestic violence in our past. My husband has broken my ribs before, given me a black eye, and many other things. And in the midst of it we have two beautiful boys!
So, now I'm torn. My husband is the ONLY man I have ever been with in my entire life and the idea of even being with another man disgusts me, but I don't want to be alone. I know I have God, but I want to share my life with someone, much like most of us do. I'm still fairly young (a quarter of a century) and know I can move on, but I really don't want to tear my family apart and I still love my husband more than words can describe. I've been working on forgiveness and to be honest this whole set of circumstances has really drawn me closer to God, which I am ironically grateful for. But I'm not sure what to do. My husband "signed" an 18 year contract by empregnating this woman, and I understand the obligation. As a woman, I am telling him that he does need to be there for her and the child, but at the same time, I feel as though they both knew what they were getting themselves into, why should I and my family/children suffer (he spends half the week here and half the week chasing her)? I know life is not supposed to be easy and God allows things to happen for reasons we can't understand (I often read stories of suffering in the Bible and think I have nothing to complain about). But I don't know what to do.
I firmly believe in generational curses. In fact, my husband is following the same exact footsteps his father did. Except his father is now saved. I also firmly believe in demons and the ability to be "posessed." Not like the way they depict it in movies though. But it's very real, much more real than most care to believe. Even Christians can be with evil spirits. Otherwise, there would be no such thing as deliverance ministries.
Anyway, I've read Pigs in the Parlor recently and have identified many demons that dwell within me and my husband - one of them being the spirit of adultery. And to my understanding, often when one spirit enters, it brings more with it. My husbands father used to watch porn with him and a very young age, and I believe that's when that spirit entered and has now grown into a full blown monster. I've caught and confronted my husband several times regarding online and pornographic DVD's. He's always ashamed and embarrassed. But he hasn't stopped (at least not to my knowledge as we are now separated).
I've dealt with forgiveness within myself (well, dealing with) towards my husband, as that's a major factor. And also the fact that I am not perfect nor was perfect and am now realizing I too have made many mistakes in our relationship.
Is it possible or even worth it to move on and past all this? I don't want to stay with my husband "becaus of the kids" as that will only cause more emotional turmoil and damage to all parties involved. But I truly do really love him and would like to make it work, but only if he's willing, which right now, he's lost. I forgot to mention he has a really bad drug addiction, which basically controls his life (and burns a huge hole in my pocket). In fact, I too partake with him at times, but it's not a priority in my life. It's more social, a way to engage with him, and I can quit at the drop of a dime (I did both times I was pregnant and while breastfeeding). In fact, I've been led by the spirit recently to quit, but right now I feel it's one of the only ways to connect with my husband and I want to hang on to that so much.
Where I was going with the whole deliverance and evil spirits thing was... I've come to understand my husband (and myself) has a few idols in his life that need to be removed. Where the devil plays games with my mind is this - am I just making excuses for him (and myself) or do I continue to hang on and wage all out spiritual warfare? And in regards to our relationship, do I keep going or turn in the key? Apparently there's others in similare situations (in regards to pornography and adultery - and many have been restored. See PureLife Minisstries for more... http://www.purelifeministries.org/restoring-marria )
I've tried giving it over to God, but this one is really hard for me.
TYo ANON: Your issues are something I'd prefer to discuss privately with you as opposed to in a public forum. Feel free to email me at this adress: vera-dale@hotmail.com
Truth Is...
My husband and I are seperated and have been for a little over a year now. We have four small children together and he wants to get a divorce and has moved on to be with another young lady who has two children. I have wrestled with the fact of divorce and find myself waivering back and forth. At this point we dont talk and he has left me to get the divorce knowing I cannot financially afford it with solely caring for four children. Honestly I love my husband but I have to admit that we have never had the chance to experience marriage. He left for Iraq when we first we married and wanted a divorce by the time he returned home a year later. I have not explored other male companionship during this seperation because I feel that I still have to uphold my covenant to God. I feel like if he was willing to work on things that I would try to work on them also. Unfortunaltely he has expressed that he feels like I owe him an apology for everything that he feels that I have done wrong and I need to explain in detail why I am apologizing. At this point I feel like I need to let go and look to raising my children in the Lord.
Our youngest daughter doesnt know my husband because my pregnancy with her was the final thing that ignited the ugly seperation. He wanted to get an abortion and I refused and after a physical altercation and an order of protection we are here. I dont want to make another move with out being in Gods will.
Just to clarify we were very unstable prior to the pregnancy. With every pregnancy we were seperated.
Let me start this by saying that I am not in any way perfect. I essentially manipulated my husband into getting married by lying to him. I know he had feelings for me once, he told me he did, but that they went away. However he continued to woo me so to speak because "he didn't want to hurt me by cutting things off". I ran away from my parents with his help and we moved in with his. We got married shortly thereafter. Let me stop here and say that i truly love this man with everything I have in me. I cannot imagine myself with anyone else, and I don't want to be physically alone. Anyways, we got married a little under 2 years ago. I hid my lies from him for the first year, but then I finally felt God break through my denial and told my husband the truth. Needless to say he was devastated and wanted a divorce. I got back on track with God and moved back to my parents (we lived about 1000 miles away) and stayed with them for a month to give things time to cool down. They did indeed cool down and when I came back, my husband was willing to go to counseling. After counseling he seemed to be a changed man. He treated me like he loved me, and I am ashamed to say that I fell back in my walk with the Lord.
One of the biggest issues in this marriage, that has been here from the beginning is that he has a "best friend" who is female. He refused to cut contact with her because "she needed him".
For the past 3 months he has been trying to make things work. I have recently made a full turn around back to God and am working for this marriage as hard as I can. However due to "Sally" (not her real name) he focuses all of his attention on her. He told me that he has no emotional connection or love for me, which I can understand given the start of this relationship. He feels like my changes are "too little too late".
I won't post the full sordid story on here, but the bottom line is, he told me he loves this other girl and that he has no desire to make this realtionship work anymore. He said unless God can convince him otherwise he is going to file for divorce tomorrow. He leaves for Air Force Basic training in 2 months, so I don't think he has time to go through with the divorce quite yet, but I am praying that God will change his mind.
I am struggling so hard right now because for some reason I feel like he won't divorce me and tha someday he can come to love me. HOwever, I am confused because I dont know if this feeling is from God, or if it's just because I want to stay with him so badly. Please, anyone who sees this, lift my husband up in prayer. He is falling away from the right path and is refusing to listen to God's voice.
if you feel led by the Lord or if you want to know more details, please feel free to email me at nekomimi_2479@yahoo.com
For the young lady:"Struggling to understand. I would like very much to offer to talk with both you and youur husband. You did mention that at some point he was willing to go to counseling. Let's do that then if at all possible. Also I would like to ask that you contact me through the means provided above for contacting the author(Truth Is...) as it is my policy not to discuss personal matters on this forum but rather offer private discussion of the more intricate and private matters in your relationship. If you cannot find the place above simply email me at: vera-dale@hotmail.com
Pray and Pray more
B-blessed!
Truth Is...
iireal says:
2 years ago
Welcome back! I've been waiting to see your next article, and as usual you chise a good topic for discussion. I look forward to this particular series as it definitely touches a part of my life.