May-December Romance Problems
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May-December relationships involve two people with a significant age difference. These couples are typically older man, younger woman, but they do happen in reverse as well. I am aware that some May-December relationships are meant to be, and they can stand the test of time. Nevertheless, that simply is not a statistical standard and I'm not going to praise these types of relationships for precisely that reason.
That said, each of the following issues are certainly surmountable -- but they can certainly take their toll over time. I have been in a May-December relationship with someone 23 years my senior, and while the relationship had its own fundamental problems, the little extras you see below only served to exacerbate it. If you're in an otherwise perfect May-December relationship, you may very well have the stuff of which dreams are made.
Few relationships are fundamentally perfect, however, and you would do well to consider these points before jumping into the pool.
Coping With Staring
People are rude, and strangers often have no qualms about gaping at other strangers. If it's obvious that a couple has more than 10 years separating them, that couple had best be able to ignore the looks, cos they will surely come. What's more, those gapers feel totally justified in doing so, because *you're* the one breaking the societal taboo here, not them.
Take Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, for example. Here you have a two famous actors with impressive careers, and, yet, the main thing the press focuses on is their age difference. That, and Douglas' multiple face lifts, which the press speculate is done just to try and keep up with his younger wife. Nevermind the fact that they seem to actually be in love -- the only interesting tidbit here is discussing their birthdays.
Getting physical
If you're a 25 year old female with a 50 year old man, you'd better believe that one of you is just hitting your sexual prime, and the other is far beyond it. That's not to say things can't be hot between the sheets, but age can get in the way once in awhile. Obviously, "love" should withstand this type of thing. All the same, the physical is a big deal, whether you want to admit it or not. If it isn't, why are you sleeping together at all?
Of course, this isn't a major issue when there are only 12 years between you and your man -- as is the case with Hayden and Milo over there. I don't consider this to be a May-December romance because 12 years will be nothing when she's 30 and he's 42. That being said, it does seem a bit pervy to have a 29 year old trying to score with a 17 year old.
Coping With Gossip
If you're the younger woman, people are going to at least suggest you're in this for the money. Even if he doesn't have any. If you're the younger man, people are going to assume the same thing -- but they will also assume you're getting some action on the side, because no one will understand why a 25 year old man wants to shag a 40 year old woman. This will be easy to ignore in the beginning. You may even laugh at it. Give it a few years, though, and you may start to get tired of it.
Coping With The Jilted
If you're a younger woman dating an older man, be prepared for the occasional middle-aged woman to get in your face and call you a home-wrecker. These are the woman whose husbands slept around during marriage, and then left for their secretary or summat. These are the women who will band together and stare you down at the country club, plotting a way to humiliate you for simply being younger than themselves.
Coping With Family
If you're the much younger partner, you need to consider what it's going to be like having stepchildren older than yourself. You also need to consider how *they're* going to feel about it. Your spouse may not find it strange, but if their family does, this could cause stress that wouldn't otherwise be there. It takes a special effort to fit into these situations, so you'd better be ready for it.
If you're the older partner, you need to be prepared for your wife or husband's family to treat you as though you're having a mid-life crisis, cos that's what many of them are going to think.
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Comments
That's a nice one as usual. I have just 17 years difference, but I can relate on most of your points :)
Nice hub Isabella! Love makes the world turn around. I think everyone has to make their own choices and whatever anyone else thinks should be of no consequence. As long as one is happy whats age matter.
Great hub again (a touchy subject)
regards Zsuzsy
I agree with Zsuzsy.
i agree with u
u say right
Great article. Age really makes no difference because people hit different stages of their life at different times. However, I do believe Ashton and Demi have it completely right! :) Since many women hit their prime in their 30's and 40's the older woman, younger man relationship might be perfect. ;)
I like the point you made about men in their twenties trying to date high school aged girls. When I was in high school there was one man that was 26 and he seemed to be dating both of my friends. I tried to explain to them it was sort of odd a man in his twenties would want to date a teenager, but they liked him so much and really did not seem to care. I think if the woman is eighteen and she wants to marry a fifty year old man that is her choice though. Good hub and I think May December romances can be great for many people.
and I liked the whole hub--good job. People also assume that a young woman is with an older man only for his money and position if he is successful-- and that a young man with an older woman is a gigolo or has "mommy issues". Live and let live, I say:-)
Great subject matter....when I was 26, I went with a 35 y.o. women who taught me a lot about life. Currently, my girlfriend is 17 years younger and she is learning a lot from me. I'm just returning the favor that was afforded me when I was younger and eager to learn about what life has to offer. What comes around, goes around in life...don't you think?
@hawaiifiveO
If you ask me, this is as good as it can get. But our society frowns on it...
I loved your hub Isabella. I'm in a relationship with a young man and I can relate with your information here.Thank you.
Cindy
Isabella you got it right girl... i strongly agree that age doesnt really matter when real love is involved...
Trelea - Thanks for commenting!
Misha - Thank you, too!
Zuz - I agree with you, and I think most other people would also agree with you. Unfortunately, many of those other people act differently in person.
Donna - See above.
Ahmu - Thanks!
Dsletten - Could be!
Sweetie Pie - Does make me go hmm!
Robie - Thank you!
5-0 - That's one way of looking at it. ;)
Cindy - Thanks!
Quest - Thank you, too!
Isabella- thank you for sharing your ideas :)
Hi Isabella,
I think this is a great hubb of yours.. My wife is 11 years younger than me and its true what they say that age does not matter when love is involved. "Love is blind"
But after 6 years of mariage we have split up, but life must go on..
hi, I agree with you.. thanks
Is 4 years considered may-december
No, 4 years is not May - December. :)
Ha! I was born in December. Totally agree!
It's ashame that many of us have grown up in a world where 'looks' matter the most. I think it affects all of us in a negative way - how can we be an agent of change?!
I am a hot 52 yr old female. My boyfriend is a hot 26 yr old. Yee-gads! Ha - we get stares all the time...and could care less. We have been together for two years and both of us have never been happier. We enjoy the same things, make each other laugh hysterically, and the sex is well, amazing. Will it last? Who knows...but it is great right now.
i do not see how we can place everyone in the same categories because there are obviously differences in people of all ages , for instance: look around you will see that not every 21 yr old is the same nor is every 55 yr old , i have seen lots of 21yr old i would not want to look like , on the other hand some 50 yr old i would trade places with in a minute. also people age and look differently , i have many times been shocked to find out a persons true age thinking them to be either much younger or older . lets face it some people seem to look mature early on and some look younger far longer. i have a cousin who married a woman 10 yrs older and he looks older than she does!go figure!
It's a really great hub! Perfect. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 50. Gold and Silver as they say. Well, I do have a hard time but I think I'll manage. I definitely agree with eveything you said. Thank You. I learn a lot from him and he really takes care of me. I love him too and don't want the relationship to end.
Yes, my boyfriend is twenty years older than I am, and we have the piss taken out of us. And It's true that you can laugh at it for a while, but after that while you'll just want to kick everyone in the crotch for trying to step in between you and your love. I think it's sheer jealousy.
And you're right: it's mostly middle aged women.
My advice to the ladies is don't do it, not even if they are rich. Just keep in mind that those little doubts you have in the back of your mind (and I know you are having them) are telling you something important, don't dismiss them because of being in love or for a lifestyle, be realistic. I didn't listen and now I am stuck with a man who is almost 70 and I am only 43. I kept telling myself "you're gonna have problems with this" even on my wedding day, and I was right.
For one, older men just cannot keep up with younger women sexually no matter how much viagra they take, and sex is very important to keep a romantic bond between two people. And a man that needs to take a pill to get a hard on is not very sexy compared to one that gets it just from looking at you. Older men just don't have the drive anymore and therefor sex can be very unsatisfying because there is none of the fireworks and passion that everyone wants, there are just two bodies going through the motions.
There is one VERY important thing to understand before you commit: Its not that easy to divorce someone you love especially when they are older, because you will feel like they need you to take care of them (or will) and that if you leave they will be alone. Also, if there is a lot of money at stake, its hard to walk away when you know its only a matter of time before it will all be yours. That may sound heartless, but its the truth. Its a trap, he set it, and now your in it. Its hard to give up a lifestyle, you can always go up, but its damn hard to go down. And believe me, these men know it.
My husband is the third may-december relationship I have had and they were all men that impressed me very much, and I was beautiful and attracted them like bees to a flower. They were handsome, charming, successful, and worldly, which men my own age weren't. Even though older men may seem to be greater than the younger ones, frankly, and trust me on this one, there are a lot of older, successful men out there that think having some eye candy on their arm is just another one of their achievements. Thats not love and its not respectful either. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life stroking his ego, instead of stroking his "you-know-what", better find someone that isn't so egocentric. It is exhausting always worrying about how you look (will I be able to wear a bikini this summer? or do I have any gray hair showing? or god-forbid is that cellulite!)
You will eventually become resentful that this older person is dragging you through old age with them when you still want to be out experiencing life. When you are thinking about things you want to do with your life, usually, those thoughts are behind them, far behind them. Your dreams are their memories. Older people usually don't want to start businesses, have children, participate in sports, have sex on the couch at lunchtime etc., so it can be very difficult to give that up, don't kid yourself. And if you try to go out and do things with other people, they will probably think you are cheating on them or are going to leave them and the guilt trips and resentment ensue. And if your spouse is well-connected like mine, you can never be sure you aren't being watched. And it will be by someone you might not even know, but they know who you are.
Its not hopeless. But you better be ready to make some major sacrifices if you are going to stick it out to the end with an older man. Because as beautiful as you are now, you are going to get older too and then, unless you are the exception, your only choice will be to have an older man. Don't waste your youth on older men, thats my advice. Sure wish someone had given it to me. If you can't say "till death do us part" with all of your heart, maybe just be his girlfriend. Whew! It felt great to get that off my chest. Better go get my bikini on before he gets home. Ha, ha.
My boyfriend is 21 years older than me, I am 20 and he is 41. I would rather be an old man's sweetheart than a young man's fool.
I hate to think that people wouldn"t marry someone they love because of what other people think. You should always follow your heart. I am married to a wonderful man who is 18 Years my junior. ( I am 44, he is 26) Dont listen to what anyone says, do what YOU think is right!
I am in my late 50's and in a committed relationship with a man in his mid-twenties. I never thought I could or would fall in love again at my age, but it happened. At first, I was leery of his feelings for me, and questioned my sanity, because I was developing feelings for him. I could not believe he could be attracted to me. Finally, I let down my defense mechanisms and allowed his feelings for me to become reality. He told me he fell in love with my mind first; the body was incidental. My relationship with this man is the best thing to happen to me and I would not trade the experience for anything in the world. I am friends with his mom and brothers and my children, both of whom are older than my lover, let me walk the path I have chosen. They may not agree or understand, but they keep their opinions to themselves. My lover and I both have something to offer each other and we both make each other happy. I do not care what society thinks. Even if our relationship does not last "forever" we will both have derived something so special from our love, that it pales in comparison to anything either of us have experienced up to this point in our lives.How can you not love a man who asks you how your day has gone and then gives you a foot massage to help you relax? I love him, and if my relationship with him bothers someone, well that is their problem! I intend to live my life to the fullest, take what life has to offer, and appreciate what this man brings to my life.
My ex-girlfriend was 16 years older than me and will be 60 this year. Best relationship I ever had.
Lori, your comments are heartfelt and i can see why you want girls like me to reconsider our decisions. I am 19 (and asian - with very traditional family) and my lover is 37 this year, and I wouldn't have him any other way. I love him because of what time has made him as he is when i met him. I want this relationship to last! And god help me, at this moment of my life I would take on all the consequences of being with him, because he's worth it. Maybe I'll regret this thought, maybe I won't. But I'll never regret what I had and will have with him. And yes, he's handsome, charming and successful and I wouldn't have that any other way either - why would I settle for social norms and go out with a "suitable" abeit penniless, lacklustre and conceited guy with persistent acne?
Wow, so I'm the only one in my group of friends that has dated outside our age range. When I was 20 I dated a guy who was 29, and now I'm 22 and in a relationship with a 36 year old man. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, and because of that sometimes I think so too! But seriously, the guys I've dated that have been my age were all really immature... and I'm sorry, but teaching a guy what to do in bed is not nearly as exciting as a guy who knows what he's doing and is totally un-self concious! Reading all your stories, I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not crazy, maybe I can just trust my heart. Fourteen years isn't that big of a difference after all it seems... thanks to everyone for reaffirming what I know in my heart!
I find it rather strange to see women who are in their 20's, involved in a relationship with a man who is in his 30's, and calling it a 'May-December romance'. I was 17 when I met my deceased husband - he was 50 at the time, and we got together when I was 18.
I can't explain the technicalities of the relationship (how we met, why he was the stuff of dreams to me) fully, and I don't like how I've instantly made him seem like a sleaze, or a dithery old fool.
I think it's important to note that while I was 17, I was much wiser to the world than most others my age, and he was a jovial, youthful and very intelligent and handsome man. I'm now in a relationship with a man two years older than me, and I have to say, it's nowhere near as fulfilling as my marriage was.
I must emphasise that I think my case is very rare, and I would by no means advise any 17-23 year olds get involved with anyone anywhere near the age of 40!
I have been involved with a man 16yrs younger than I am for 7 months. right now its great........ I have dreams of a future I have never had before..... sometimes, it may just work.
Lori, if the age difference is so bad, why do you obviously have a lot of experience sleeping with older men? You sound like an older women scorned when your husband left you for a younger women.
I must agree with leila, I don't think 10 years difference in age is May-December. My first husband was 43 years older than I was and to be truthful it was a marriage of convenience for both of us. I was very young and completely alone in the world with no family, no money, and no prospects. He was my "dirty old man" and I say that with complete and total affection, posing as a lonely elderly gentleman who's family had little or no time for him, till I came into the picture. Then they all came crawling out of the woodwork to save daddy from the gold-digger, which was actually one of the nicer names they had for me. Among his many fetishes, he adored red hair which I had in abundance, and why he was attracted to me in the first place. He was enchanted with me. Enchanted being his word, not mine. He spoiled me rotten with material things, while teaching me all about structure, obedience, and discipline. And I lavished him with my undivided attention, loyalty, and trust. We had a good life together and shared a love of art, music, sailing, good food, good wine, and kinky erotica.
Our relationship was not a tale of never-ending romance but it was filled with a deep affection and total honesty. We celebrated 8 years together until he succumbed to a massive stroke. He was very well off and left me very well provided for. All the other men in my life since have been younger than myself, the youngest being 18 years my junior. I don’t see anything at all wrong with May-December relationships.
Thankz god i found yr page Issabella.. I'am 22 and my bf is 37...My birthday is on may n mf bf is on december.. yr article are really great!! for me its ok, age is doenst matter.. as long as he love me n i love him.. i do love the things we've been through. I dont care what others say.. I just wanna be with him.. Issabella.. u know what.. I feel good get involved with himmmmmm.. huhu.. i do love u my dear very much!!!
Thankz god i found yr page Issabella.. I'am 22 and my bf is 37...My birthday is on may n mf bf is on december.. yr article are really great!! for me its ok, age is doenst matter.. as long as he love me n i love him.. i do love the things we've been through. I dont care what others say.. I just wanna be with him.. Issabella.. u know what.. I feel good get involved with himmmmmm.. huhu.. i do love u my dear very much!!!
Trelea says:
18 months ago
Grea hub, my boyfriend is 22 years older than me and I just love him to peices. That said it is very difficult to explain to friends why I want to be with him. I look a lot younger than my 23 years (I got id'd for a 15 film) which only serves to highlight the age difference. it's really nice to see someone being honest and open about the problems people with "May - December" relationships face.