"Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg...."

So begins and ends, for most us, the rebellion against traditional holiday carols. These carols are sweet, and often celebrate the season, sometimes in curious ways, like "I'll be home for Christmas-- if only in my dreams." Is it a promise, a threat, or a mournful lament from a man far from home (and is he at war, or in prison? The possibilities for interpretation are endless).

But for some of us, the Christmas season does not end with Robin's maternal impulses. Rather, some of us... have very twisted, evil minds. And we turned those minds, about 15 years ago, to inventing some decidedly twisted Christmas carols.

Most of these carols were co-written about 15 years ago among my high school friends, particularly Andy, Karen, Florence, and myself, with Deck the Halls being mostly an adaptation by my best friend Holly. But I'm sure there were other addled contributions from various players. You sickos know who you are.

Deck the Halls with gasoline.

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Strike a match and watch it gleam.

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Watch the schoolhouse burn to ashes

Fa la la la la la la la la la!

Aren't you glad you played with matches?

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Rudolph the red-light reindeer

Had two very rounded heels.

And if you ever saw her

You would even say she kneels.

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call her names (Ho, slut!)

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in orgiastic games.

Then one lonely Christmas Eve

Santa came to say:

"Rudolph with your skirts so light

Won't you "ride my sleigh" tonight?"

Then all the reindeer "loved" her

And they shouted out with glee:

"Rudolph the red-light reindeer

You'll go down on his.... tory!"

Silver bells, Silver bells

It's Christmas time in the asylum.

Ring-a-ling. Hear them ring.

Can you hear them ringing? Can you hear them? They're ringing! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! AAAAAHHHH!!!!

Angels we have heard while high

Sweetly smoking our supply.

And the kingpin watches by

As our free will slowly dies.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarijuana.

Don't bogart my tea.

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarijuana.

We love THC. Amen.

Silent Night, zombie night

All is calm, all is fright.

Round yon brains and succulent flesh.

Here's an infant, so tender and fresh.

Brain buffet for zombies.

Brain buffet for you.