Personality Test: What Does The Color Of Your Lingerie Say About You?

Were you wondering what your lingerie color says about you? Well wonder no longer! Through the powers of the Interweb, you can use this article written by a complete stranger to give you insight into your own unique persona! Enlightenment could be just a paragraph away! Go down my patented super awesome color chart and see what the color of your lingerie says about you!

Red

Red represents: Passion, blood, death, communism.

Only psychotics wear red lingerie. Well, to be fair, psychotics and hookers. Well, psychotics and hookers and communists. If you're wearing red lingerie, its a sure sign that you're a psychotic communist who will shortly be breaking the law in every American state apart from Nevada, where morals have been replaced with gambling reservations.

White

White represents: Purity, innocence, death.

If you're over the age of 20, there's no excuse to be wearing white. Who are you trying to fool anyway? We all know you're about as pure as Heidi Fleiss. Wearing white lingerie indicates deep seated denial of life's realties, and a fear of death. It also indicates someone who stains easily and turns grey after just a few washes.

Orange

Orange represents: Fruit.

What the hell are you thinking? Unless you're on a float in Rio, orange lingerie should never assail anyone's eyes.

Purple

Purple represents: the color of royalty and of sexual frustration.

You thought you were doing well with the royal reference, didn't you? Well think again buddy. Royals are well known for two things: inbreeding and syphilis. Are you feeling a little crazy? Fancying a family member? Experiencing a rash and itchy discomfort where your genitals used to be? If you answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you're wearing purple lingerie.

Black:

Black represents: Unimaginative, evil, oppressive.

People who wear black lingerie secretly long for death, or failing that, life in colorless colony where machines rule over humans. Black lingerie wearers are likely to have mapped out not just routines, but complex strategies for simple tasks like brushing their teeth. Black lingerie wearers will tell on other coworkers if they feel that they have taken too many bathroom breaks, and will insist on merging exactly like a zip at intersections.

Blue

Blue represents: Boredom, desperation, imprisonment.

Blue lingerie wearers are black lingerie wearers that have fooled themselves into thinking that they're 'wacky' and 'out there'. Blue lingerie wearers cut their sandwiches into perfect triangles and always do their laundry on Wednesdays. People who wear blue lingerie also feel slightly guilty for how much candy they've eaten today, and if they haven't eaten any candy, then they feel guilty for failing to go to the gym, or if they went to the gym, then they feel guilty about not working out until they threw up. Life is a big long guilt party for people who wear blue lingerie.

Pink

Pink represents: femininity, sweetness, disconnection from reality.

People who wear pink lingerie can do no wrong. They float through life effortlessly, scattering petals of joy wherever they go. Pink lingerie wearers love the way that those nice uniformed people leave little love notes on their car when they park it across three sweet spaces, all with those cute little arm chair pictures painted in them. Wearers of pink lingerie live in a beautiful world where nothing that goes wrong can't be fixed with a cute little pout and a high pitched whine. They are likely to own small, badly socialized dogs and to forget mundane activities like paying bills or cleaning up after themselves. For reasons that completely escape them, they often have to change residences due to angry lynch mobs forming outside their homes.