Prepare Your Yard For Next Summer: Kill It and Build a Mini Theme Park Instead!

As Fall nears its end and Old Man Winter lurks in the inevitable cold shadows of tomorrow, your mind drifts to thoughts of how to prepare your yard for the next season of growth. What can you do now that will benefit your yard next summer? What steps can you take to insure you have the lushest lawn, the greenest grass? Put down some new sod, grass seed and fertilizer? Mulch the garden one more time? You want your landscape to be perfect, that is your nature, and it's true that your landscaping and lawn care skills are unmatched. To strive for excellence, to be the best; that is your battle cry. No ordinary turf will do for you, no. You want your lawn to shout to all the neighbors, "Pack it up, boys, your lawns cannot compete with the master. You cannot play here."

But your mind does not stop there, for that is your nature too. "But I hate cutting the grass," you think. It's inconvenient at the very least. Oh, you've done everything possible to make it easier, to be more efficient. But your state-of-the-art gas powered weed whacker is still a pain in the ass. It's not like it carries itself. You have to carry it, and you remember what you did to your back the last time? You spent $3000.00 on that beauty lawn tractor but you still got bored. So you welded a cooler big enough to hold a pony keg to the back and attached a 20" flat-screen TV and satellite dish on the front with the super sports package from Dish Network. And still you hate it. You hate it, hate it, hate it! So take care of your yard once and for all, forever and ever, amen. Kill it! That's right. Kill it and implement the great "grass kill," and build a mini-theme park instead!

The size of your yard will determine how many of these attractions you can include, but there is a variety for every sized property. Once again you'll be the envy of the neighborhood!

The first step is to kill your grass. Kill it good. Every little oxygen producing blade. You may be tempted to set it on fire. On the surface, this seems to be the ideal method. It's fast, it's cheap, it's thorough, and it's exciting. But don't succumb to this temptation since it also is very, very dangerous. Dangerous not because you might burn your house down and the rest of the neighborhood with it, but because your yard will grow back. It will grow back thicker and richer than ever before. Instead, poison your lawn.

Here is a perfect poison for this use, and it's non-toxic to people and pets. Purchase several gallon containers of vinegar and dissolve a good amount of salt in it. Now, simply use your fertilizer sprayer (you remember that thing don't you? It's at the rear of your garage on the right, under the power washer and next to the chain saw, which is on top of the fertilizer spreader, kitty corner to the leaf blower) to spray every living thing growing on your property. It will not only kill it, but it will prevent anything from ever growing there again, even those pesky little weeds that plant themselves in impossible places and turn into giant trees if you look away for a second. Now that your property is a blank slate, it's time to start building your theme park.

Building a theme park can be expensive. That is why you are the only person who can use your park for free. Your neighbors, their friends, their relatives, your mom and dad, your brother, your grandmother, your wife and kids, must pay, unless they work there, in which case they get a 10% discount. Think of how expensive it is to take an entire family to Disney World or Busch Gardens? Your neighbors will thank you. At only $10.00 a head for admission, your theme park is the bargain of the century. And fun for the whole family! Just look at some of the superior attractions you'll be offering.

This will be the simplest of your installations. You don't want kids playing here all day. You want them out in the park spending their parents money. Run a garden hose to the desired location. Fill up a kiddie pool and put a Slip-N-Slide and a Water Wiggle right next to the pool. It's just enough to cool the little boogers off, but they'll want to get back to where the action is in no time.

Some attractions are essential for creating that carnival/amusement park feeling, as well as providing money making venues.

Games: No park would feel right without carnival games. These could include tossing ping pong balls into goldfish bowls (not necessarily alive), cockroach races, whack-a-mole (using real moles) and BB gun shooting contests. These games can be rigged so no one can ever win. You just need to hang a couple of fake prizes around.

The Freak Show: You must have a freak show, and nothing could be simpler. "But where will I get the freaks," you ask? Your Aunt Agnes has that glandular problem. Now, she's the Worlds Fattest Lady! Cousin Billy has a thing for tattoos. Now he's the Illustrated Man! With a little imagination, you wont have any problems finding "freaks".

The Little Big Top: Can your dog sit on command or play fetch? Do you have a bird that can talk, or even a parakeet that stares into a mirror incessently? How about a hamster that runs round and round the wheel thingy? What do you have? You have a 3-Ring Circus! Just throw three hula hoops on the ground and you're ready to charge admission!

You have to have some real things. There's no way around it. This will keep the people coming back day after day and shelling out their hard earned money. Fortunately, there are very real rides available on a much smaller scale. You'll be spending some very real money here, so obviously, participating in these attractions will cost a premium.

The Ferris Wheel : Yes! You can have a mini Ferris Wheel! Rising to a grand total height of 30 feet, it's just enough to look over the rooftops and see that beautiful colored smoke coming from that factory over yonder. Everyone will want to ride it over and over again. Perfect for kids and young lovers alike.

The Roller Coaster: Damn straight! A real roller coaster right in your own back yard! These little babies give the thrills of their big brothers, while using only a fraction of your valuable real estate. You must be "This Tall" to ride, or have $5 bucks, as it really doesn't matter. It's your coaster. You make the rules.

Go Karts: No foolin'! Haven't you always wanted a Go Kart track in your yard! One with really fast, cool looking karts? Do it! Remember to have everyone sign a release that basically says, "It's my fault for killing myself." You could even have a little miniature ambulance! That would be fun!

You definitely need a major attraction. Something to draw people from far away. That is why you should consider a Horse Racing Track. You heard me. A real horse racing track. Not with those big, bulky, expensive thoroughbreds, though. Get those cute miniature horses. They look just like the real thing, only tiny. And how's this for a capper: Trained monkeys for the jockey's! Even your neighbors can get in on the act by raising their own racing stock and entering them in the races. Everyone knows horse racing is as crooked as a blind man's fence, and with your own parimutuel betting booth, the fix is on! Start your own mini organized crime syndicate and stuff your pockets with ill-gotten gains. Everybody else is doing it. Why not you?

You'll want to come up with a unique name for your theme park, something juicy that really rolls off the tongue. I've named mine Booger World. It captures the essence of the park while enticing potential visitors with the promise of an exciting day of discovery. Our slogan is, "Pick your destination. Make it Booger World!

By following these suggestions, soon you will have your own theme park and be well on your way to being a mini-millionaire! Perhaps most importantly, the single greatest benefit to building your own Mini- Themepark, is you'll never have to cut that damn grass again!