It's been almost two months since I've taken any Xanax (alprazolam). To tell you it's not that difficult would be a complete and total lie. In fact, it's been one of the hardest things I've done in my life. Is it worth it? Yes! Do I always like it? No! Why did I quit? My son, of course. My son is my world, and I love him with the entirety of my being. I use to subscribe to the philosophy that an alcoholic or drug addict could only quit for themselves. That's absolute rubbish! It just takes a very strong motivator. I'm proof of that! I could see where Xanax was going to interfere with me raising my son and I couldn't stand the thought of not giving everything I had to the one thing I've done right.

If all I had to think about was myself I would probably still be using Xanax - actually I'm almost certain I would be. Sometimes it's so difficult being honest with yourself about matters such as these; let alone friends, family, and complete strangers. Why can I say with almost complete certainty that I would still be taking Xanax? That's easy - life is a major struggle for me. I'm not comfortable with my mind, or for that matter in my own skin. I honestly never have been. Even as a child I felt life was sort of like a play and I was always sitting in the audience. I could never connect. I usually feel either completely disconnected, or absolutely at loose ends. I become over stimulated very easily, and then the fear becomes absolutely paralyzing. It's a very strange feeling. Don't get me wrong, the thought of death is pretty scary too. What if dying is worse than a panic attack? What if there's a hell and that's where I end up? So, even if I didn't have a child, that would be a pretty good motivator to be alive. But alive with Xanax would at least make life a little more comfortable. I know that sounds horrible, but it's simply the truth.

Two months without Xanax and their are times I still want it so badly that I can hardly stand it. I've almost convinced myself a time or two that I could just do it once, but then intellect wins out. But the thought of taking about 4mgs of Xanax and entering that blissful relaxation that I cannot seem to achieve any other way, and simply slipping into that uninterrupted sleep is never far from my mind. Wow, if I could only achieve that on my own. I truly hope one day I can. I have to tell myself that I will be able to.

But, as for today, I want my old friend Xanax. Just for today. I fantasize about it taking me away to a place where the things that ail me can't get to me - where I can relax and be normal - where I'm at peace.