Saved By Giving It All To Jesus

I had a rough childhood, my parents split, I hated that fact... My mother and stepfather made me go to church, I hated life, at the age of 16 I was raped by a male cop and his buddy, at 18 I ran into the army, alcohol was my main diet while stationed in Germany...

But the one thing I never doubted was the fact that God was real.... I also knew the fact that God hated me... ( I dont believe this anymore) I couldnt figure out what I did wrong although for years I wondered, I knew God was real and I was paying for my sins here on earth.... Torture was the way of God as I saw it back then...

After the service I ran from the mental torture of my life... I cant even tell you dates or places to be perfectly honest...

Then I was in New Jersey selling cars for a living and my life started to look better I started going to church, I gave my life to God for the hundreth time... and as always took it back..

I met their mother selling cars, we went out for a short time, we faught more then we talked, we moved into together, seperated and back together... She put weight on but not alot during the year we were together... I always called her at work on Thursday to see if we needed anything at home, I spoke to her co worker Dawn...

Dawn said she wasnt there that she was having a baby... After rage, anger, hang ups, call backs, and alot of disbelief, it was true I was a father, but thats all I knew...

I can still see everything very clear in my mind, know one at her job knew where or what hospital she was in, I was convinced in my mind that she was giving my baby up for adoption.... I was at the end of my rope... I had to find her and my baby...

After telling my mother that she was a grandmother, and calling her mother and telling her the same thing, I started checking hospitals for the baby, I didnt know if it was a girl or a boy...

Three days no sleep, no shower, little food, and I finally found her and my daughter Jessica... but I had made a promised to myself no matter what I would keep my family together, my daughter wouldnt know the hurt I knew...

So there was no fighting no arguing about what had happened, she has never told me why to this day what she was thinking to hide my daughter from me...

James was born 11 months later, their mother and I barely spoke, but we stayed together for the kids...

Then less then a year later we split up... she called me at work and told me I had to be in court to fight for custody of my children in 1 hour, I didnt get a laywer one of the big mistakes of my life...

Well that was the end of my happy family, it was also the begining of my personal hell...

That Christmas, their mother and I agreed to be socialable and spend christmas morning together so I could see my children open their gifts.... When I got to the house and knocked on the door at first I didnt notice, her car was gone....

As I figured it out she wasnt there I realized that the doormat was gone.... When I looked in the windows the house was empty and my children were gone....

I spent years fighting to see them after i found them in Deleware... Judges use to tell me that no matter what I would see them this weekend, I was going insane with this, the guilt that I did something wrong, the fact that God hated me so much that he took my kids....

I fell behind in my child support, lost jobs, lost my drivers liensce, then I really fell behind in child support as NO dealer would hire me without my liensce, then I was homeless....

From Homeless To Jail

I was crazy, I was tearing myself up inside, I hated God and told him that fact, I never doubted he was real, I just didnt understand why he hated me so bad.... I was homeless, I lived under the boardwalk in Atlantic City, I did what I had to to stay alive, stole from the casinos, ran scams, learned how to get showers and hot food....

Then one day I was sleeping in the sand under the boardwalk when I was woken up by a cop, he checked my ID and arrested me for being behind on child support.... I spent 31 days in jail, got even further behind on child support, and was released back to the boardwalk....

I spent the next 18 months running from my insanity... I hid from the law, my mother didnt know where I was...

I could really care less if I lived or died any one of those days....

I ran from place to place never really caring what I did or who I hurt... I chased after a peace I could never find... During this time I never paid much in child support... My grandfather died, I took the money from his will and hired a laywer, this is the advice I got, give up all your rights to Jessica and James and be forgiven all back child support, what difference did it really make, I was never going to see them anyway, at least I could try to get my life back together....

So I took the advice and gave up my legal right, followed by a tattoo on my back to remember them by...

After a little time I got my drivers liescne back, started to build a porn business online, sold websites on ebay... but never really cared... I tried AA, but that God thing never was real for me... Then I ended up in Long Island New York....

Saved By A Motorcycle

I sold alot of porn sites on ebay to keep my head above water, then one day I went out and got a brand new motorcycle... (only by the grace of God)

I rode that bike everywhere... I found a peace out there on the rode and found myself hearing the voice of God saying come back trust in me and I will give you rest...

I started hanging out with christian bikers, and found myself giving my life over to God... not totally trusting but trying...

I still was selling porn but felt guilty doing it.... when I heard God calling me softly at first... but it would get louder and much clearer...

Give Me Everything And Go For A Ride

I was riding for soldiers killed in action with a group known as the Patriot Guard... I loved it for the first time in my life I had a reason to live, a cause to stand for... and a God to serve when I felt like it....

Then I felt a need to do more, a lot more, I had this deep burning desire almost like a voice saying to me.... You have to do More... I knew it was God... but I didnt want to listen.... so I ignored it.... But it got louder.... it kept saying all your life you couldnt trust... but I am God trust me... give everything away... get on your motorcycle and ride for soldiers killed in action... I said go away.... but the voice inside of me nagged at me.... then it happened...

I was riding back to New York from bike week in Daytona Florida (more running) I was in Washington DC a warm sunny day, when a man chased me down on his motorcycle.... as he got next to me I tapped my tank to indicate I needed fuel... he pointed as to say follow me...

As we got off the highway, and I fueled up my bike, he asked me what the rush was.... I told him I promised the mother of a soldier I buried in Arlington, that I would never go through Washington and not stop and say thank you to her son James.... but it was getting late and I wasnt going to make it... although I really couldnt afford a hotel I was going to stay over night and visit Jimmy's grave the next day...

This man told me not to worry he would get me to Arlington, get me in, and then get me back on the road... I figured I had nothing to lose, so I followed him.... he got me to Arlington National Cemetry... he said something to a guard and him and I were waved in.... We rode in silence down to the section where Jimmy was buried that cold Feb Morning.... I jumped off my bike rushed over knelt and said a quick prayer thanking God for men like Jimmy....

The man said to me is that all you do when you come here.... I said no.... he told me to take all the time.... the gates would stay open.... I went back and spent some time thanking James for my freedoms... as a disabled vet I could relate to the call of duty he felt...

I got up walked up to this man and said look I never question a gift from God.... but who are you??? he produced a business card and said up until last week I was Donald Rumsfeild's personal body guard... he then went on to say he wished me well, and thank you for what I did to Honor the memory of the fallen hereos....

I was like ok God I hear you.... but I cant give everything away and go for a ride....

Then I stopped in south jersey.... I heard my grandfathers second wife wasnt doing well so I stopped by her family's restraunt to try and retrive the flag that covered his casket as he was a WWII vet... I was told the threw the flag out.... I was hurt... when an elderly man asked to speak with me...

This man said he felt a burning need to tell me his story... he told me of the night he missed his train in Phila, when he found 12 coffins on the loading dock each covered by an American Flag.... he felt he had to sit with them... as his train pulled into the station he watched as they were loaded on his train..... he stayed with them.... as the train arrived at his stop... the coffins were unloaded... He cried as he learned these were boys he went to high school with that were killed in Viet Nam....

He told me he was going to be in the phil harmonic orchestra or something like that in phila....

he told me how he went the very next day giving everything away and joined the US Army... with only two request... one that he could play in the band... and second that he could honor soldiers at their funeral... he told me at one point as First Sergenant he was the band conductor.... and that in 31 years he had buried over 1500 soliders...

After speaking with this man... I went to my mothers job at a local church and told her ok am going.... She laughed and said where... I told her I was going to give everything away and trust God and go ride for soliders killed in action.... she asked me if I was sure.... thats alot of faith you are stepping out on....

Not long after that I had given everything away except what would fit on my motorcycle and took the biggest leap of faith I could and went for a ride honoring soldiers killed in action...

I learned hard and fast many times... God will never leave you.... but faith of a mustard seed takes practice....

Hey Dummy I Said Give Me EVERYTHING

I gave everything away... I had a tent... I had some clothes... I had a motorcycle payment due every month... I had no money.... no job.... ohhh ebay closed my account thwe day I left new york... everyone said I was crazy..... and deep down I thought I had given everything to God....

But then one day at a Bikers For Christ Rally in North Carolina i truely turned my life over to God, the preacher at a local church invited all teh bikers to come to service that sunday... a small church with a white steeple somewhere near dunn NC....

He preached on giving everything to God, I laughed and said to myself I already did that... and then that voice came back... Hey Dummy listen to the sermon.... I knew this was for me... and it was tearing at my gut deep down inside... God was telling me hey Dummy I said give me everything and I will give you rest...

See I gave every POSSESION I had, I even gave my heart.... but I didnt trust God with my kids... I had one picture... the two of them together James and Jessica... happy... and it was old and faded in my wallet... I knew for peace I had to do what I was about to do...

I walked up to the alter with the only picture I had of my children (I have not seen in 13 years) I laid it down on the alter... looked up to the heavens and said God, I have nothing left to give.... leaned over towards the pastor and said take care of them they are now Gods children....

Tears rolled down my face like two rivers.... I walked directly out of the church.... alot of people tried to come up to me to say congrats, they thought I gave my life to God... I chased them away... the pain was so great in my heart... I did something I said I never would I gavwe my children up TOTALLY....

That night I walked down to the big cross by the lake looked up tot he heavens again and saidf thats it God... you have everything... Now here is the deal.... I need that rest and peace... I just cant do this anymore....

The next morning I woke up and we rode from NC to Jersey.... I didnt know it but I had changed.... it took me a few days... but I slept for the first time in years... I had a peace knowing Jesus was in control... to this day I dont know how to put it into words but it is a peace that I have knowing no matter what God is in Control....

Knowing A True Peace

Now I have a peace within me, my life is still not perfect... I have some real rough days... 8-12 my daughters birthday... 7-19 james birthday then there is Christmas, Easter, and days like that... but even when the day is tough.... I know if I give it all to God.... I will have rest and peace...