By I.M. COMPLAINER

Guest Columnist

I hate winter. I've hated winter as long as I can remember. My mom used to tell me to go out and play in the snow because that's what kids do in the winter in New England. My father and my uncles used to threaten to throw me into a snow bank if I didn't behave (and one time my Uncle Earl actually did, when we were visiting the west coast contingent of my family in Washington State).

So you'd have to think that I would be psyched that Spring is finally upon us, right? Sorry, I've gotta be honest here. Spring doesn't do much for me, mostly because we in Maine can still get lots of snow in Spring. We can look out our windows and see beautiful sunshine, fooling us to believe it's actually warm outside, just to find out that in reality it's 18 degrees, and the temperatures, if we're lucky, may hit freezing before the day is out.

And then when we do actually get warmth, what happens? All the God-forsaken snow melts, and we get hammered with floods if you live too close to a water source, and even if you don't, then there is the inevitable mud that will follow.

Mud. This year is going to be a particularly bad mud season, I am afraid. Even after having temps in the 50s over the weekend, we still have a huge pile of snow in front of our house, where the snow plow guy who has zero personality has been pushing all the snow all winter. Anywhere else in front of our house we have mud. Lots of it, because our landlord is too damned cheap to pave the driveway leading to our house, and every time the aforementioned no personality plow guy comes to plow (usually about 9:00 a.m., long after people need to get out to get to work) he puts down his plow blade and digs nice deep ruts in our driveway that subsequently fill with water from the melting snow, which creates even more mud, which freezes overnight when temperatures always drop down below freezing, which leads, inevitably to, you guessed it, frozen mud for the next morning.

But we've got Baseball right? Yeah, sure, you can go down to Boston and catch a Sox game in April, that's pretty cool, right? Well, let me tell you, nine years ago an ex-girlfriend who lived down the street from Fenway Park bought tickets for she and I and my dad to go to the second Sox game of the season. I don't remember whether the Sox won or lost. All I remember is that when the game began, the whole park was full of fans. By the time the final out was called, the three of us were the only ones left in our section, stubbornly refusing to leave because we had paid for those seats, and it was our God-given right to freeze our butts off, which is what happens at Fenway Park in April at night.

Another reason why I really don't like Spring too much is because this is the time of the year that all those snowbirds start coming back from Florida, and more people from Massachusetts start coming up on weekends to stay in their Maine homes. Not to mention, all the damned Canadian tourists start coming down, because to them, 45 degrees is beach weather!

Now I am a French Canadian by heritage, which gives me the right to rag on them mercilessly. (Why do Frenchmen keep frogs in their pockets? Spare parts....) I'm sorry folks, but you Canadians just don't know how to drive. It's like, if you see a car doing anything stupid, and you are in Maine and it is springtime, check the plate. I guarantee it will have a Canadian tag. The British may have taken the land that is now known as Maine after the French and Indian War, but now the Canadians are taking it back, little by little. And you know, I worry about those Canadians. Do you realize that Canada is closer to the United States than New York is from Brooklyn? I say, march them all into the Great Lakes and see if they can swim!

About the only thing that makes the roads more unsafe than Canadian tourists are the damned potholes! My God! You would think that the State of Maine would realize that when the pavement contracts and expands like an asphalt tug o' war contest that you'll end up with pot holes. But do they fix them? We've got pot holes within pot holes this year! Oh, don't get me started.......

But the real reason why I dread spring is that after all the snow has melted, and the rivers have swelled, and the rain starts falling, then we see the re-emergence of the Maine State Bird - the Mosquito! Man, have you ever seen the mosquitoes in Maine? They're like helicopter size! Dragon Flies take one look at them and say, "Let's head to New Hampshire!" And I swear, these bugs have mutated, so there is no bug spray that will effectively take care of these vermin.

So spring bugs me, but not quite as much as winter. Hopefully we can eek out a few weeks of summer before fall sets in!