The Great Fat Chick Conspiracy: the fall of patriarchy and the total discombobulation of man.

There is a conspiracy underway to overthrow the last several thousands years of patriarchal rule. Not only is it underway, it is nearly complete. It's too late to stop. My only point in writing this is to let you all know, that I know. I spotted it. Late. But spotted. And I know how it works.

Girls are getting fatter. Not just the regular fat girls, but the hawt ones too. If the hawt girls get fatter, what will the fat girls do? Hawt girls have always gotten everything they want, leaving what's left over for the fat girls - or so it seemed. The system worked, because fat girls were what the unhawt guys got. Hawt girls got hawt guys, and the rest of us guys were green with envy and hated them all while we tried to figure out how to get a hawt girl of our own. But we had the fat girls to turn to. So the system worked. But if the hawt girls are now fat girls, then who are the actual fat girls? Basically this is an equalization of all females in the ongoing push towards reviving matriarchy being perpetrated on society today.

With this secret power play underway by women, NO guys will have any way of telling fat girls from hawt girls, and therefore no guys will know who they are supposed to have sex with. Hawt guys won't know who to have sex with unless a fat hawt girl tips him off that she is actually hawt and fat. But even that is not safe for hawt guys, because actual fat girls will be able to pull this off as a ruse, claiming to be hawt and fat too, thus leaving hawt guys duped and looking foolish because they will be caught having sex with a fat girl, which, as has always been the case, will destroy their ability to inspire awe and jealousy in normal guys. If hawt guys are sleeping with fat girls, normal guys will be deprived of leadership, leaving us vulnerable to the chick takeover already underway.

It gets worse. Normal guys will not be able to have sex with anyone at all because normal guys will not know which is which between hawt fat chicks and regular fat chicks either. They will therefore be forced to assume that all girls are out of their league instead just the hawt ones as was the case prior to this insidious female plan. So, in one fell swoop, women have taken out hawt guys and normal guys.

And yet it gets more insidious than that.

One might think that, teased and picked on as they have always been, in these trying times men could count on the unattractive guys to save us. These geeks and nerds, these skinny, stoop-shouldered and prodigiously Adam’s-appled fellows weren't having sex anyway, right? So they should be un-phased by the whole fat chick – hawt chick thing. But this isn’t actually the case, for you see, while they were already the lowest status of men, famed for their inability to get laid, technically that lowly celibate status has now been put upon “normal guys” by the spurious system women have in place. So, if the normal guys are now the lowest guys, the old “lowest” guys have to be something even lower than that. But how can you get lower than the lowest? This defies physics and all other natural, unversal laws. And yet, that is precisely where these nerdy guys will be, below the bottom. Besides being evidence of the intervention of the long-silent cthonic godesses, this lowlly status is obviously not a position conducive to the thwarting of anything, much less the opposing of a carefully wrought and divenly backed total take-over of a culture.

So, as you can see, it is clear that this strategic move by women to completely undermine the entire male system is totally underway, and mankind (like, actually “man” mankind) is under serious threat.

I would make some sort of suggestion as to how we might halt this trend, but I am afraid it's already too late. The only possible quarter from which maledom might find help is the married-man quarter. But that’s a feeble hope at best. Most of us married guys haven’t had sex in so long we don’t remember what it is. We certainly don’t have enough participation in it to be motivated towards anything resembling activism for the cause. And even if we could remember what sex was like, why in god’s name would we help someone else get laid? Bitterness will be the theme of our little Shakespearian tragedy. Frankly, that’s a huge part of the chick strategy. So even people like me can’t help. Plus, I am lazy. The sheer effort of pressing these keys down to type this is nearly exhausting, so to go stand in front of fast food restaurants or Cinnabon shouting, “C’mon, give it up!” is hardly in keeping with my general lethargy and sense of sloth.

No, I am afraid it is too late.  We are pitted against spirits of this world, this universe, that have been kept in check longer than they would like.  Our time is up, gentlemen.  Hope you enjoyed the ride.