The Perfect Mom Next Door
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In the midst of all the daily challenges of motherhood, an entirely awful day can be turned around in a moment with a few words from your amazingly observant child.
"You are the best Mom in the whole world," my 8-year-old said to me one night while I was tucking her into bed. I glowed for a millisecond. She followed up that statement with "even though you're not crafty."
I smiled and thanked her. I told her that we all have different strengths, and mine happens to be, well something other than craftiness.
I knew who she was comparing me to. Yes. That other mother. A few days earlier she had said, in her sweet little way, "You are the prettiest mom I know." Pause. "Well, tied with Sabrina's mother."
It's true, Sabrina's mother is crafty, pretty and all around great. She always has a healthy snack in her pocket for a hungry child at the playground, and play-dates at her house are filled with glitter glue and fancy edge cutting scissors. And my daughter loves it.
I deserve this comparison. You see, my own mother brought this curse down on me when I was just a child, for going on about my best friend's mother. Her name was Donna and she made wonderful lunches. I loved to go to their house for lunch because it felt like a special occasion. She would even do my hair now and then. She had a box full of ribbons and I could pick my favorite color and she would give me an Alice in Wonderland look.
I often went home and told my mom about the wonders of Donna, apparently, because she still reminds me now and then. I surely never meant to make her feel inadequate. I think she just didn't appreciate the comparison. I don't appreciate it either.
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Can You Be A Perfect Mom?
Who's Your Donna?
Okay. We all know we shouldn't compare ourselves to others, because it does us no good at all. I tell my daughter that all the time. Over the years I have succumbed to comparison from time to time and I bet you have too.
So, who is she? This perfect mom you see and wonder about?
Is it that socially graceful woman whose children always appear to be freshly bathed and scrubbed no matter what time day you run into them?
Is it the homeschooling mom who juggles an unfathomable load of responsibility like it was no big thing and her children that are so well behaved you stare at them with your jaw on the floor?
Is it the working mom who seems to be able to manage a high paying career and all the responsibilities of motherhood while staying in perfect shape, running the PTA, and maintaining a close personal friendship with everyone in town?
Is she the whole foods mama who tandem breastfeeds her three kids through their preschool years and still has time to make her own compost for her organic vegetable garden in the back yard? You know that her children eat an immaculate diet and their little taste buds have never come in contact with the painfully addictive flavors of an Oreo.
Then there is, of course, the mom we compare ourselves to in order to make us feel better (this is wrong too). You know her. You see her at the grocery store, looking thoroughly harassed and ten years older than she truly is. Her kids are definitely not scrubbed, they are hanging out of the shopping cart screaming and maybe they even have bed head.
I have been her, on a couple of days, and it is no picnic.
When Do We Let It Go?
My answer is now. Let it go now and never compare yourself to another woman again. My mom couldn't have been "Donna" and I'm glad she had the sense to not even try! She is so much better at being her and I love her for it.
I even tried to be a little like Donna. I got kind of bored with making every meal a grand event. And I gained weight from the whole ordeal. I do have a box of ribbons of every color in case one of my girls wants one in her hair. But they never do. I guess it was a 70's thing.
I tried for a time to be crafty, but found that I was easily frustrated by the fact that glitter glue is impossible to get off of just about anything and equally as difficult to get onto whatever you are trying to construct.
I tried hanging with the whole foods / crunchy moms and they were really cool, except when I was unsuccessful breatfeeding. Maybe if I had a note from my doctor stating that "it was not my fault and I really did try," they wouldn't have shunned me! I'm serious. I heard the whispers. I'm really not one of them, so its okay! Once, my kids actually had brownies before breakfast.
Looking at the road ahead, I have a long haul in this job as a mom. I want to enjoy it. I want to set a good example for my daughters. And the only way I can do that is to be entirely, genuinely, tied for prettiest, last in craftiness, occasionally flaky, but first in love, me.
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Comments
Remember, you're not just a mom, you're a person.
...but I'm a dad and I ache to ask my daughters now all grown up how I did as a dad, but I don't do that.
Wise words - I try to focus on being "good enough".
Hi Amy Jane,
I think once your daughter can read this, she'll have a different appreciation for crafty! I loved your tone: constantly tempting the readers to compare while telling them not to. Well written and fun!
Hey, this is so true! I always wanted my mom to be the "cool mom" who let her kids watch grown up TV shows and listen to cool music on the radio . . . and I'm sure I'll find out who my girls want me to be like in the next couple years. NOT looking forward to it!
I loved that you through the line in there about being a non-breast-feeding Mom. You know that one is close to my heart!
Hi everyone -thanks so much for the great comments! Doghouse -I am dreading the teen years already! I think letting go of what we think we should be, according to some distorted standard, is a big step.
I have heard rumors that it gets easier to do as you get older...
Excellent article! I loved it from beginning to end. Seriously. Mothers need to read this article and probably print it off and hang it in an obvious place as a constant reminder that Motherhood is about building your own unique bond with your child built on your own talents and not another mom's talent. Love it, especially loved your closing statement, "And the only way I can do that is to be entirely, genuinely, tied for prettiest, last in craftiness, occasionally flaky, but first in love, me."
Loved your article Amy Jane! Makes me wonder how all the moms (and dads) feel when their children are with the "other" stepmom or stepdad.
I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother, and as your daughter sees you comfortable being who you are, she'll do the same thing as she grows older and becomes a young woman (I know, I know, don't rush it) :) And that is the best compliment ever !
All moms are different. I am sure you excel in other motherly talents she doesn't posses. After all no one is perfect. I am mother of 3 myself. Even though I can run short on patience my kids never hesistate to enjoy all the time I spend with them. They love the memories. Other moms told me my kids are so lucky. That's not what some would say when they hear me losing my patience with them at the store or dying for christmas vacation to end so I can send them back to school. Ha-ha. It's all good though. The important thing is my kids know they are loveed and they love me back. That's the coolest thing about young kids is they don't judge you. You are always mom to them and that's all that matters.
Oh my, oh my! Thanks for a great Hub, Amy Jane. Funny, yet poignant and true! With four young kids, shopping at the grocery store just about always turns out like the "Mom you don't want to be...." I keep trying to tell myself, I'm doing the best I can. And that's good enough for my little blessings. :-) Steph
Your Hub makes me appreciate that my three kids are still too young to realize that not all mommies are made the same! =) But, I guess it's just around the corner. I, too, was not born with the craft gene. Thanks for the good read!
Amy Jane! A perfect HUB! You're we all have our Donna's mine was called (in my mind) "Snooty-bags" She caused me quite a few green with envy moments. You see she was not divorced like me, she was the perfect stay at home Mom...I know its not nice to gloat but my last Baby is attending college now and none of hers have. I talked to Snooty-bags last week and she sounded envious of my childrens success. I guess we're even now.
loved your great HUB regards Zsuzsy
Elleissa, thank you for the compliment! Our bond with our children -building and maintaining - is certainly the priority. I'm so glad you enjoyed my hub!
Thanks Alexis - My girls are growing up too fast! I wish I could slow them down. My oldest is really my biggest fan - most of the time.
Hi Crystal, I have that same patience issue! I was, at one time, the most patient person on earth. Like you said, three kids can really take it out of you! And Christmas vactation was rough here too. I am currently trying to figure out what to do about summer vacation!
StephHicks68, I am that "mom you don't want to be" all to often. The kids know when you are giving your best, even if things seem to be totally out of control.
Thanks for the comment BloggerMom - your time will come!
Zsuzsy Bee, -you made me laugh - Snooty-bags! You weren't gloating, you were just sharing that your baby is in college, so that's totally, completely justified!
Thanks for commenting :)
Wow, Sabrina's mom must be really cool. Not as cool as amy jane, though, I'm sure.
Thanks, Peter! She really is cool, and pretty and very nice :)
This is so true. The good and bad go hand in hand. I have two teenage boys and all their friends always end up at my home. I think it is because I feed them, oh and can boys eat.
I've been compared to their parents, and I am not the organized, crafty, type of mom. I'm just myself and that's the important thing. We all bring something to the table as parents with different syles.
Great Hub
Ann
You are BRILLIANT Amy! It reminds me of the pice I wrote on the wives next door...haha! I really needed to read this today, it has seriously been ONE OF THOSE DAYS! Thank you for being so wonderfully descriptive!
Hi Ann, I think that it is a huge compliment for your son's friends to hang out at your house! You must be the cool mom :) Thanks for reading!
Thank you so much, Erinn! I think a lot of women can relate to these feelings. I am so glad you enjoyed it! :)
Great hub...we all find our own version of personal perfection ((usually far from ideal perfection))! Hey if the babes are loved, fed, and clean call it a success! Supporting each other in our differences is so important.
I agree, Crystalkay, with all of your comment! Thanks for reading and commenting :)
So real! We often aren't the coolest in our kids books, but hey, they will change thier mind eventually....I did.
I agree! I changed my mind when I grew up a bit, too. Thanks for reading:)
I couldn't help but post a comment (even though I am not a mom) but I could relate since I remember the times I wish my mom was somebody else! (guilty) LOL But that's the best we can do...accept and love our unique selves! Way to go!
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, ripplemaker!
I can relate to "not" being a Donna. My little daughter is 33 yrs. old now and has forgotten the birthday parties without the homemade cake, Halloween outfits from the drug store, reading bedtime stories abbreviated -- skipping 5-6 pages so I can go to sleep sooner. She is my best friend and she loves me for who I am. Love your hubs ; ) Barb
Thanks so much, Barb! You remind me of my mom:) She was not the baking / crafty type either, but she was a wonderful example for us in many other ways. The relationship is the most important thing, and she is still my best friend!
The perfect mom is one who the kids can find when they need her, is slightly annoying when they don't, who loves them when they're unloveable, knows how to open a can, knows how to defend against the world, fights all kinds of monsters, shows up dirty once in a while; allows the kids to show up dirty once in a while, has her own life part of the time, disciplines with love and understanding, forgives and forgets to discipline once in a while, always teaches, smiles most of the time, frowns once in a while, understands the value in being perfectly imperfect some of the time, tries - tries - tries, all of the time...
ok you get the drift. YOU'RE the perfect mom.
nice HUB, all of us MOM's need to give ourselves a break...if the kids are loving you and loving others - you must be doing something right and I don't think it's always based on the dishes being done on time...=)
we learn from our moms, whether good or bad...and we can be better -- improving all down the line. we are all a mixture. If the kids still hang around - after they're grown, then we did all right.
Marisue, thank you for your insightful comments. I agree, we need to give ourselves a break sometimes. I needed to remember that today, so I appreciate you bringing it to my attention! I still forget sometimes, and am very harsh on myself. i don't think I am alone on that :) It is quite a journey, motherhood...
I'm sure you are doing much better than you think! Kids forget - but I got a shock the other day. My oldest son thought we punished him over something and we had not remembered it that way at all...sometimes it's good to ask them some questions about how they remember things and not assume they think like we do. I'm still shocked LOL the conversation came up over dinner...was a small thing but he had a completely different memory of it. eeek. and I thought I was great. ahahhaha
Thanks Marisue. I have experienced that too. Sometimes my girls were perceive things in a completely different way than intended. It makes things even more difficult! I guess we all do that, though :) If we keep loving them, and treating them with respect and kindness as a rule, much of that will hopefully be avoided!
Sounds like we share the same feelings Amy.No one is perfect...and that I realized when my ten year old kept telling me what was happenning in his friend's homes.I really thought I was not good at all until I stumbled upon an article which said you are what you are.As a mom you care for your children and no need to feel guilty even if you scold your kids when you think they are wrong.Great hub!
Thanks Abhinaya, motherhood presents constant challenges and I think we all must wonder at some point how we are doing compared to other moms. We are all different, of course, and hopefully we won't get caught up in the comparison for too long. It can really be damaging to a mom's self esteem. Thanks for reading :)
amy jane -
I am so glad I finally got around to reading this hub that I know is so very personal to you. I can't help but think of the word vulnerable as I consider what you have shared with your readers here.
But the fact is, that you have simply described every woman at one time or another... and her feelings of inadequacy.
The blessing, is that we discover this truth, especially when we are willing to talk about it:-)
The reality that we compare ourselves against those things that are completely different than who we are - really is just a way to recognize, that we do see the gifts and talents in others and appreciate those differences.
The problems start when we don't see ourselves - our truth - and how simply wonderful we are as individual women. Others usually do!
Thus, we fall into the comparison trap thinking one must be better than the other? Crazy, huh?
We are who we are - and we can be the best at it - more so than anyone else! But learning from others and adding to our self is also important. We can share as women our wonderful talents, by teaching or just being.
We are always looking at another woman's "package", right? How she does "it". How many of her type are there really? Not many, because usually "she" is perpetuating a stereotype and will end up crazy in the end! LOL
Enjoy being you and focusing on your strengths. Everyone has both weakness and strength. Build on where your power lies, and that is in the fact that you love those within your sphere like nobody else.
No one can even begin to compete with that power! Here is a little secret - what you see in yourself as weakness, so will your children - no hiding it. But if you work together on it, you will all be strengthened in your oneness. They will come to truly see you as mother and teacher and ultimately mentor - theirs!
It is a miracle!
tDMg
LdsNana-AskMormon
Thank you so much, ldsNana for your comment. I agree that knowing "who" you are is a tremendous blessing. I just wish i had figured it out sooner! :) While I do fall into the comparison trap from time to time, I catch myelf now. It is so true, what you said, that children can see your weaknesses (and strengths). My oldest daughter tells me flat out, and my younger one imitates me. She is my little mirror.
Thank you again for adding your very positive advice - it is always welcome here!
Good and so true. This is a very relatable article I think for almost all moms out there.
Thank you, Shalyce. I think you are right, we all go through this at some point during motherhood. Thanks for reading!
Great article Amy! While reading though, I must admit I was already comparing myself to other moms I know. We all know a super and a not-so
-supermom who can make us feel better or worse about our own mothering abilities. At nearly 15 months, my son is still in orbit around me, but I know that will change soon. When comparing myself to other moms, I know there are models of perfection out there (just like beauty) and I know that I am not perfect. I do my best, I accept myself that way and hope that i will pass on that feeling of self-love to my child. I look forward to reading more of your stuff!
Thanks for reading, tbelgard. I am so glad you enjoyed it! Wanting to pass on a feeling of self-love to your child is a wonderful goal and gift to him. I think we need to be a little easier on ourselves in general, especially on the bad days. Beating ourselves up over the daily errors doesn't help us to be "better" the next day. Thanks for commenting! :)
This is a great hub, thanks. It is funny when we are younger how we always think other people's mums are great, but when we get older we realise that our own mum is the best of all.
Hi Laura, I agree -the older I get, the deeper my appreciation for my own mom gets! I understand her in a completely different way now that I am a mother of three too. Thanks for reading and commenting! :)
What is really difficult to deal with keeping all feelings in perspective, when your children compare me the Dad to their Mom. "Dad you always joke and laugh with us. Dad your funny, Mom's not" " Dad, you dont have a memory like moms."
"Dad, you dont listen very good! Daddy we like you you take us out to eat all the time." (It's because I dont cook, Mom does)
Anyway my kids are grown now but I remember the comparisons.
I will look forward to reading more of your hubs, Gives me a memory trip and tmy three girls said my memory wasnt good!
Hi pastorreachout, I didn't even think of the Daddy comparison! You are so right, that is a difficult one for me as well. My husband is cerainly known as the "fun one" and one of my girls prefers his cooking to mine! I think over time I have just gotten used to that comparison, and I think it was the same in my family growing up. I think it is toughest on the stay at homemom, who has to enforce all the rules daily - then dad comes home and it is all fun and games!
Thanks for reading and adding this perspective. :)
Just found this hub...still reading all these hubs written by my favorite hubbers! As you already know from ALL the other comments..this one's great. I was so phobic about grocery store "scenes" that I never took my kids until they were about 8 years old!!! I would go late at night after they were in bed asleep and my hubby would be calmly settled in front of TV....a nicely quiet time for strolling the aisles. (My little sister was tremendously talented at having tantrums...my mother, like all mothers of tantrum throwing children did NOT know what to do! As the big sister, I just wanted to NOT BE PART of any of it...That's where my phobia started...probably too much info....I tend to ramble. Great hub!
Thank you Desert Blondie! I am glad you finally got to read this one. I loved oyur story, lol! I am always interested in hearing about how our childhood experiences shape who we become as parents. I have only recently taken on some of the grocery shopping myself. My husband mostly handles it because he knows how much I hate going with the kids. I get so distracted by their behavior that I forget to get half of what we need anyway!
Wow, such great advice and your hubs are so entertaining and fun to read.
Thanks so much Raquela! That is one cute baby in your avatar. :)
I loved your hub. This is something we as women tell ourselves all the time--don't compare. And yet we all still do it.
I think I'm getting better at not comparing as I get older, but maybe that's just wishful thinking. :)
Thank you Joy! I think that I am getting better also, and then I catch myself comparing again. :) I hope to get over this habit eventually! Thanks for reading. :)
After recent advances in medical technology, I was able to become a mom.
wow... I never really thought of it this way... I always just hope I am a good enough mom to bring up a decent young lady... I do compare myself to other moms though-my Donna is my mother in law. I try not to think about perfection because no one is perfect as much as we try to be. We all have our opinions about other moms but when it comes right down to it all of these opinions are just based on our own insecurities about parenting. I love that you made me think about this though because it really does play a part in our everyday lives. I would like to refer your hub if this is ok with you.
In The Doghouse says:
18 months ago
amy jane
Just wait until they hit their teens!! lol Yep, comparing is a bad pit that most of us fall into. Unfortunately, we always compare somebody elses best with our worst. In fact, it is just as effective as comparing apples to oranges. I think for me, when I finally stopped worrying about being the perfect mom, and just tried to be the best mom I could, I truly became just that, the best I could. Great HUB.