I live near North Myrtle Beach, and I go down and walk a few miles in the sand quite often.

I do it for my health or rather what is left of my health. You see, no one told me when I was young that all of those stupid "macho" physical things I did in my youth would come back to haunt me in my retirement.

Now, I am 63 and I have; a Kidney transplant, a torn rotater-cup in my right shoulder (again). I have a blown out left ankle from a Car Wreck in 2001, and there is no Cartilage left in the ankle, but there are two marvelous screws in there from a surgery that left me with no improvement, but left the Doctors involved with some extra Cash in their pockets.

And of course I don't want to leave out the bad disks in my back that are a result of my "Back to Nature" years in the 70's when I lived in the hills of Virginia and installed a Wood Stove for Heating. I cut, spit, hauled and burned wood for three years, until I compared the savings with my Doctor Visits and Medication costs and realized I was operating at a break-even pace. Finally, there is the freakin' Arthritis that attacks me pretty much anywhere on a bad day.

But do I complain? ............................. HELL YEAH, it hurts.

So, When my body allows it, I walk on the beach "for my health". Why, you might ask, If I hurt so bad, do I walk on the Beach?

Well,I did a little research on the web, and found out that if you walk on a Sandy Beach, you burn twice the calories as you will on regular flat roads. Being the lazy person that I am, I prefer to hurt for half as long for the same :burn".

Out of boredom, I have started a personal game of watching and guessing the WHO, WHAT, WHERE, etc. about the other people I see when I walk.

Anyway, back to the Beach. Today I did 2 miles up the beach and, of course, 2 miles back! For entertainment, I categorized the people I saw, and am listing the categories I devised below from the largest number of people to the smallest;

Greasy Sleepers- 30+

These are people who slather sunblock on themselves and fall into a Coma on their blankets or chairs. They snore, fart, scratch themselves, and occasionally roll into a different position, to continue their "fun vacation in the Sun". Usually they lie there until they have reached a level of redness surpassed only by a new Soviet flag. Or it is time to return to their Condo to eat.

Stupid Parents- 20+ (couples +- miscellaneous Grandparents, friends)

The reason I call many of them Stupid, is how casual they are about the safety of their children. These are not the parents who go to the water WITH their Kids to play, but rather they are the ones who set up their chairs at the Hightide line (so they will not have to move later if the Tide comes in). They plant their oversize, pale butts in their chairs, and casually watch their kids play in the Surf.

I want to ask them a question that stays in the back of my mind. I want to ask them to check their watch, and time how many seconds it takes them to get out of their chair, and run to where their children are playing in the Ocean. I have estimated this to be 10-20 seconds, minimum, depending on how fat they are. I would then ask them to look out and estimate how far an undertow would have taken their child in that period of time. I want to ask but I don't!

These are Parents who let their Kids play in the Surf while only occasionally watching them fall down, drop toys, hurt their feet on broken shells, and with some; just cry, cry cry, incessantly. These parents are oblivious to how close they are to losing their kids to; the surf, undertow, stepping into a "hole" etc. Oh Well!

These are the Stupid ones I notice, not counting the smart ones who actually think and are real guardians of their children at the Ocean.

Young Bodies- 12+ (individuals, although for some reason they seem to walk the Beach only in pairs??) These I really enjoy!  They are the are the 16 to 28 year-olds (on average) who have worked out at their local gym and used Tanning Beds, all year long.

This is done just so they can walk slowly down the beach (on their 1 week of vacation) just to be looked at and admired. We all did this in our younger years (or wanted to ??). Well, I believe in the old adage ..... Show it while you got it!  Cause it don't last long!.  Or something like that.  The same is that this category is shrinking each year and being replaced by the large people!

Large Bodies- 8 -- First let me say that I have been overweight most of my life, and only recently lost a significant amount of weight (>40-lbs so far). I know what it's like to carry that load around, figuratively, socially, and physically.

But ...... what I see on the beach, in restaurants, in public and in general is becoming scary. Too many people are Overweight, and it seems that the number are growing.I am not talking about just Fat. 

I mean, Girls, if someone can sit their can of been on your Ass and use it as a table, you are overweight.  And Guys, if you haven't seen your Penis in years without the use of a mirror, you are overweight.  If your belly is so large and you have been pushing your belt down so far, that without a shirt, your pubic hair would stick out, you are overweight.

The overweight singles and couples on the beach do stand out. Sorry but yes ...they do! Everyone stands out, don't get me wrong.

There are only the rare perfect bodies on the beach, except for maybe the children.  Everyone else is "sub-perfect" ???? You know, too tall, too short, head too big, Ass too big, bow-legged, short-legged, etc, etc, etc.

Sorry to say, but this category is growing every year (pardon the pun).

Single Parent w/kids- 6 -- These guys are fun to watch. Misery in motion generally. OK, some of them seem to be actually enjoying their kids, but it seems that after about an hour or so, they get that "strained look" in their eyes, and the smiles seem to be more forced.

Even though they probably have, or are, running off to Fish or Golf several days with their buddies, this is their day for watching the kids so the wife can go Shopping or whatever with her friends. Payday ....... Aint it Hell!

By around noon, with the crying kids, and the sunburn, and the heat; the look in their eyes starts to change into that look. You know, the "Where is She?", "How long does it take to shop at an Outlet Mall?", "Wait until he/she gets back ..... I am going to make ....... her feel SO GUILTY !!!!!!" ........ look!

But, these guys can; round up 1-3 kids, grab beach chairs, umbrellas and beach toys, and literally sprint across the sand to their condo in 10 seconds flat when they get that "I'm Back!" cell phone call from Mom! I love them! Been there and Done that!

Beer Drinkers- 6 -- I love these people........Beer Drinkers!  You know, the serious guys who will Bitch at carrying a single bag of garbage out when they are at home,  that will make 3 trips or more, down to the beach.

These are necessary to carry and set-up his; over-sized umbrella, 2 coolers full of iced beer, two extra-wide lounge chairs (looking out for the wife, you know),a fold-up table, a bag full of several salty snacks, and 5+ towels to cover himself from the sun. Then, once ensconced in his little private version of Heaven, he will only leave his chair throughout the whole day, to go waist high in the surf and Piss in the Ocean.

Be careful though, they also tend to accumulate in packs and their most recent trend is to set up large backyard patio tents on the beach.  Then you will see as many as a half dozen of them partying under these things.

And then there are the Rest.  Just miscellaneous groupings of other special character groupings. 

Tanned Couple - 4 --You see them here and there on the Beach.  The Darkly Tanned, older couple, walking down the beach determinedly, staring forward, as if heading to some special destination.  When, usually, they are just trying to be seen and admired as if they were the Young Bodies they were years ago! 

Hey, the Young Bodies have to go somewhere!  The attrition rate is high, from Skin Cancer, marriage, babies, and just old-age.  These few have survived and deserve their continued march on the Sand, I guess! 

Moms Pushing Baby Carriages- 3.  OK, I understand the young Mom, in her cool jogging suit pushing a baby carriage down a street for exercise.  But, why didn't someone explain to her that those skinny tires just do not roll well on sand.  And they look Stupid!

Surf Fishers- 2.  These guys tend to be a subset of the Beer Drinkers.  They just think that they are going to catch some kind of Fish for dinner.  In actuality, they generally haven't caught anything when I pass by them, and I assume that is the norm for them.  They do tend to enjoy explaining their rigs and equipment to others and are often giving a lot of free info to other guys on how to Surf Fish.

There are some other miscellaneous beach characters wandering around on the beach but in smaller quantities. That's for another day!