When can infidelity in a marriage be forgiven?
79Infidelity can truly tear a marriage apart. Emotions run high on both sides of the marriage when one partner commits adultery and there are a thousand questions that the faithful spouse wants to have answered. Feelings are hurt and it often feels as though the marriage can never be restored.
Forgiveness is Essential
Even as a Christian, I believe that divorce following an episode of adultery is fair due to the fact that the bond between husband and wife has been irreparably broken. I, myself, am divorced following my ex-husband's affair. I am not going to preach to you that all couples should remain married following an affair.
But I will tell you straight up that forgiveness is essential. I am not speaking here as a Christian, but as someone who understands the effect of "holding on" to the bad things that have happened to you. If you are going to be able to move ahead in a healthy manner, you need to forgive your spouse.
Understand that forgiveness doesn't mean that you're going to remain in the marriage. It doesn't mean that you aren't going to experience pain or that you aren't permitted to experience pain. It only means that you are going to let go of the anger and bitterness and the questions that you have, and move forward with your life.
Your spouse might not deserve your forgiveness, but you do.
- The Power of Forgiveness
When I was a younger woman, I was often encouraged to harbor ill-will towards my husband and others around me. This, to the minds of the older women who shared this particular piece of advice, was a way of...
But Should I Stay?
This is something that needs to be very carefully evaluated by both spouses. Does your partner wish to continue their affair? Are they in love with their lover? Are they in love with you? Is there a way to restore the love into your relationship? Are you willing to do a lot of work to make things work between you and your spouse? Are you prepared for the feelings of uneasiness every time your spouse is out of your site?
You need to decide for yourself whether or not it is worth it for you to remain in your marriage. For me, I felt that it was worth forgiving and continuing to make an effort. But if you are going to do better in your marriage, you are going to need to look to yourself as well.
Forgiveness must be complete and even the "wronged" spouse should make some effort to change their attitude and behavior toward their husband or wife.
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I Had the Affair and Now He Won't Forgive Me!
If you are the spouse who was unfaithful to your partner, be prepared for questions. You need to be prepared for their anger and their lack of forgiveness. Patience is important on your end. If your husband or wife wishes to try to work things out in your marriage, you should do everything in your power to reassure them of your love or respect for them and to move forward with a new promise to one another. Remember that you broke an oath to your partner. He is going to feel betrayed and let down by your behavior. She might not trust you for a long time after the affair. Your spouse might never fully trust you again.
Marriage takes work. You don't deserve your partner's forgiveness if you have had an affair: but it is my most sincere hope that he will give it to you for his own good. Work on forgiving yourself, and don't place blame on your spouse for your behavior. Accept responsibility, and ensure that your partner knows that you have done.
Counseling is recommended.
Helpful Resources
- How To Seek Spousal Forgiveness Following an Affair | How To Do Things.com
On a scale of possible offenses to a marriage, infidelity rates a definite ten. Issues of trust, betrayal, abandonment and inadequacy can all come together in one painful discovery... - http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Infidelity Recovery. A step-by-step online guide on recovering from marital infidelity. An amazing level of infidelity understanding from beginning to end.
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Comments
I have known people who get very up in arms about divorce in the case of infidelity. I am very, very much against divorce -- EXCEPT in this case. I no longer wonder what I did wrong in my marriage to make him cheat because I have forgiven both of them (she was my best friend) but I believe that if we were together I would always be watching my behavior to make sure I was "perfect."
Adultery hurts. My husband and I have both been through it and I believe I can trust him because he wouldn't want to hurt me the way he's been hurt.
I had used every since of the way to use for givness on the one who was the first wife I had 3kids by. I am not with she had done it 3 times during my marriage of 16 yrs,I had worked 12 hours a day at times of and on swing shifts. I was tired did not feel much doing it after I worked those times of 12hrs. she was fixed. still she did what she did to have a open marriage and more affairs. so living in a bad atmosphere and to many pets in a trailer kinda made it bad for the kids. and she had a plan to have the state come in and find very little food after I got mad at the help. that was there so it was just that occur d she found some one else while we were moving to a better place for the kids to live in, when she split from me. but could of made changes she did not so I lost and had to give her a divorce.so the story goes on not seeing the kids but still paying from my pension
but I did have a lot to do with her in bed I did try during the times when I was not working. I feel after we got help w/ councilor's it didn't work she still I feel was needy for some reason. she just now has my youngest child back from the state and my daughter that lives with her mom and my other son that the state trying to return him back..
so I am married with my second wife where I live in a another country. I believe sex has a lot to do in a marriage. it helps couples to be close together I think having a little love makes a bond. and a purpose of stying together in some affects.
I believe that one person can save a marriage. But infidelity really messes it up, peace_maker. I'm sorry you had such a terrible experience!
Personally, I don't think a marriage can ever recover from infidelity. As I posted elsewhere, trust is essential in a marriage, and once your partner has betrayed you, you can never be sure it won't happen again. That eventually poisons both your lives.
Marisa,
I think that a *marriage* may be able to recover but there is always going to be damage in the individuals concerned (both of them). Infidelity often damages the cheater as much as it does the one who was cheated *on*.
I know that in a bit way (sorry to keep referencing your comment on a totally different hub) that it affects the person who was the victim for a long time. My husband is one of those, I'm convinced. He knows I won't be unfaithful (just not me) but I think he's reserved a bit.
Great piece. I think that most people are confused as to what forgiveness is. many think that it is pretending that all is as it was before, but as you stated above once an affair has happened, the bond can never be the same. Trust has to be re-earned and in a marriage that can be hard. I think that Jesus knew that and that is why he said that divorce was allowable for those reasons. The damage is too severe.
I have to agree with Marisa on this one. Once the cystal of trust is broken, it can never be repaired.
There is a reason it is called the labor of love. Marriages take work. I believe you can forgive but you may find that there are different levels of forgiveness. I agree that it does not mean erasing the infidelity as if it never happened. You are changed forever but maybe there has been positive growth in your marriage and in you. However, the level of harm may be so great that the best you can do is making peace with what happened and letting go of the need for revenge. For me, I was able to forgive when I saw that my husband truly understood the pain and horror he created in our marriage, my life and the lives of our children. He was able to accept responsibility for his actions and made the effort to change his behaviors and repair our marriage. When I saw his level of committment I felt safe enough to forgive. We ARE recovering from repeated affairs and sexual addiction. We work on healing every day. We share our stress and temptations. Talking with each other openly helps prevents the keeping of secrets. Some define infidelity as the keeping of secrets. I was greatly helped by reading How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring. For those healing from infidelity I wish you all peace. I need to start a hub.
sheenarobins says:
8 months ago
When it happen to me, I chose to forgive the ex and the woman. It was a choice I made not for them but for myself. I cannot allow them to hurt me anymore than they already did. It was necessary, it was a choice.
Staying together is another issue. The damage was beyond repair, the insult was terrible and so on. Like I said, I cannot allow them to hurt me anymore than they already did...many times. I can no longer trust him for making a fool out of me...many a times.