When He Says He Isn't Ready for Marriage "Yet"
82
I received this comment on my HUB When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don't :
RealityTV says:
Veronica, is there any chance that when he says he just isn't ready that he will actually become ready one day?
Dear RealityTV,
Before me, my husband had a girlfriend we'll call Carol that wanted to get serious with him. By his own admission, he's told me she was just completely devoted to him and the relationship and she would be patient and understanding. But what I want to tell you is not what he's told me about that relationship. I want to tell you what mutual friends said to me about that relationship.
"Everyone was so shocked when he got married!"
I'll never forget that first drunken confessional conversation at the bar. Over many martini's, the girls took me into confidence.
"Carol said she'd try to talk about marriage and all he would say was that he was no where near ready. It wasn't the time. Now here he is a year and a half later, married!"
My husband isn't a dick. He's a guy. Actually, he's a good guy. And I'm sure when his ex was pressuring him to talk about the future he felt nothing for, he responded as honestly as he could. He wasn't ready. You have to read into that I guess to understand what he meant.
The first time I talked to my husband about our future, we had been together a few months. I told him this was "it." The big one. This was the relationship I wanted to be in for the rest of my life.
And he said, "Yeah. I know. Me too." He agreed. And the next time we talked about it, he brought it up.
There was no not ready bullshit.
I remember an episode of Who's the Boss where Tony described proposing to Samantha's mother. He explained exactly what it's supposed to be like. He said he had barely gotten "Will you marry me?" out of his mouth, when she leaped into his arms screaming, "YES!"
When it's right, it's right for both of you.
And it's that way long before the proposal.
I am not saying a guy that says he's not ready is being a jerk. Men interpret their feelings in a much broader way than women do. Men have a more limited range or interpretation to emotions. Often men have no need to discuss every emotion to death the way we do. For him, saying, "I'm not ready to get married," covers everything from - I'm not ready to tell you I don't want to marry you, to, Dude I don't ever even think about this, to, I'm not ready this month to get married.
He has no reason to explore the details of that aversion to its depths. He doesn't think about marrying you. Isn't that clear? The point that needs to be apparent here, is that when he IS ready, when he IS thinking about it, he'd know it and he'd tell you.
RealityTV, to answer your question, probably not. It's not really possible that he will want to marry you one day if this is his response now. That's what my experience has taught me. It's hard when it's happening to objectively listen to what he's actually saying instead of what you want to hear. I don't know the specifics of your situation. If he means it sincerely than he will be showing you his intentions. If he really thinks one day he will be ready to marry you, he will be doing whatever he needs to to SHOW you and keep you. He will have set up a joint bank account with you so you can save together for the wedding. He will be house shopping with you. He will be demonstrating committed thinking since he knows you want to see signs of his future with you.
If he isn't doing anything to show you and keep you, if all he's doing is saying he's not ready then you need to move on. Seriously. I'm sorry RealityTV but It's not going to happen with him.
Thanks for your comment. Good luck to you.
If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.
Thanks!
All text is original content by Veronica.
All photos are used with permission. All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.PrintShare it! — Rate it: up down flag this hub
Comments
Hey Jason,Thank you for the comment.I'm with you. My friend Steve said it so well:"It has been my experience that loneliness trumps rational thought every time."It's hard to judge anyone that is acting out of loneliness. But I do want to add that I don't think that's the case with all women in this situation. Some are just inexperienced and don't know better. Also, some people's circumstances do not fall into the parameters of what I am describing here. Some really are moving into the future.
Good contents of hub
COMCAST CABLE COMMUNICATIONS
EUGENE OREGON
IP: 67.171.228.63
Very tastefully written hub, thank you.
Thanks, wedding!
I know so many deluded pathetic women that should read this. Although I am afraid if they did they I wouldn't get away with as much as I do.
A while back I had asked you for advice of whether or not my ex would ever be ready and you said based on our history he would not. We broke up when 'he' was ready to let go and he quickly jumped to dating another girl since the day we broke up four months ago. I just found out he is already engaged to this girl. I wished that I would have listened to my gut and to you and let go of him way back then. My advice is to follow your gut and your instincts and not wait on someone if they aren't sure you are the one.
You live and learn. If I hadn't screwed up over and over I wouldn't have known enough to get it right when I met my husband 12 years ago, and we're still going strong. Sometimes you have to go through those experiences to make you wiser, brighter, stronger and better. Sometimes no one can tell you anything, you just have to live it for yourself. And, look what you've learned: you've learned to trust your gut. That is priceless.
Thanks for stopping back and keeping us updated. Best to you.
I don't know what to do. He keeps telling that he's not ready. After 3 years together, one child (20 Months old) and engaged for 2 years... What should I do? I don't like this feeling :(
Minnie,
Trust your feelings.
Hi Veronica,
I have a very similiar situation in many ways to others' stories on here but mine is also very different in many ways and was wondering if you could give me some clear advice as for once in my life I am honestly at a loss.
My boyfriend is 24 and I am 23. I have graduated from college this year with 2 bachelors and have a stable job that I love. Although I don't make a ton of money it is enough to live off of as long as I stay at home. I could move out of my house into an apartment or condo but I have a german shepherd, a cat and a rabbit who I consider part of my family.
My boyfriend graduated from college this year with a BS in engineering. He is from Europe originally but we have worked through our cultural differences as we have been together for almost 4 years now. We have talked about getting married and kids and religion and money and many other things. We have read books about failed/succeeded marriages and relationships in general; however, I have always been the one to bring these up.
I have wanted to marry him for 3 years (1 year after we started dating). I finally feel confident in my ability tobe a good wife and mother. I know I am young so I guess I should also explain that I have severe endometriosis and he and I have already lost a baby as it was an unplanned pregnancy and I was hospitalized when I lost it at 11 weeks. We were both devastated. so a pregnancy is very difficult for me and while he and i are both okay with adopting ideally i would like to be able to have my children naturally and get pregnant the old-fashioned way.
I have been through quite a bit in my life and we both finally feel like I am healthy physically and mentally now. I was diagnosed with PTSD from a rough childhood and up until this past year was in and out of the ER atleast every 6 months with the last time me actually ending up in ICU for 2 days. So needless to say he and I have managed to work through a lot of things, a lot more than I ever thought possible.
Thus, he is a very good man and I am convinced he loves me a lot. The problem arises beause of my PTSD. I put him through quite a bit in the beginning of the relationship. I loved him and he was the reason i ended up in therapy. I saw I was hurting him with my fear and my emotions and I didn't want to do this.
I currently live with my parents like i said. But as I have also said I have PTSD from my childhood. I do not feel safe here very often. I want to move out but I do not want to leave my animals here and they are all old so they would be put down if I gave them to a shelter and I have been unable to find homes. I asked my boyfriend to take them but he says right now he can't handle them by himself.
I live near boston and work in boston itself so my dog has not been allowed in any condos or apartments I have been able to find since May of this year. My boyfriend's culture requires that we live with his parents for the rest of their lives to take care of them. We came to the compromise of an In-law apartment and that if within the first six months I couldn’t feel like I belonged there then we would move to a house near his parents' place instead. I suspect it will work out though. The in law apartment is done but not decorated (we still need furniture). His parents currently use it as another part of their house and he lives in the main part with them.
I told him I want to get married in May, he said he doesn't trust me yet. That he is afraid I am really not better and that I still sometimes act unrationally (telling him he is yelling at me when he says he is not) while this is not great and I don't wish to do this and I still want to get even better. I feel that my progress in itself in the last 3 years has been amazing and more than I have made in my whole life. I have waited until last night when I finally said I need the next step. He said he is still not ready. That he needs to see me stay healthy a little bit more. That he needs me not to be so sensitive and that he will try not to snap at me. He claims he would only need a month if we were both perfect – but I don’t believe this. And I don’t think anyone can ever be perfect.
I told him maybe we could just move in together then or get engaged and set the date later. He said no, because to do this in the in-law apartment he would have to tell his parents he is marryng me and he isn't ready to do that because he isn’t 100% sure he is going to marry me. He says he is 100% sure he wants to but is skeptical we can "fix" us. Meaning he doesn't think I can be better or he doesn’t think he can believe I am better.
So I suggested then we try to get a house together away from boston and I would commute longer for now. he said he isn't ready for that. I feel like I am out of ideas to compromise and he hasn't been able to think of any of them either. We both clearly love eachother. I was in many relationships. Most not healthy but I was in an okay one before this current one for 3 years and loved him but did not feel any where nearly as strong as for this current boyfriend. I am convinced he is my true love and the one true fit for me.
This is unfortunately his first relationship. So I don't know what to do. I know he thinks he can be ready. But I am afraid he doesn't know what he is thinking/feeling. I know he would never intentionally hurt me. but I just don't want to be waiting another 4 years. and I want out of my house. I have done a lot of thinking though and I know I want the marriage with him - not a wedding, or a marriage in general or just that I want only want out of my house and see him as my savior.
Can you please offer some advice? I do not want to lose him because I love him so much. If it was me he was waiting for I would say if he loved me enough and he was the one he would wait, so I expect the same of me but I just don't see a way to be happy right now until he is ready. Or unfortunately, if he ever will be ready with me or if I have done too much damage (which I hope with all my heart is not the case).
Thank you for all your help.
Maggie
PS Sorry for such a long note.
I've also sent this to him so that he can be 100% sure what i am feeling in case for some reason there is a misunerstanding.
Maggie,
First, much applause to you for working so hard, being so focused, making such a beautiful and permanent commitment to the pets in your care, and for trying so hard to see all the sides of your situation. I'm impressed with you. I sincerely mean that.
I think that you have many needs right now. You need to stay healthy and work on that. You need to take care of your pets. And I am convinced with just the little you told me, that you need to move out of your parent's house.
I realize that marriage seems like an answer to all these things. But I truly believe marriage should never be the answer to your needs, it should be a choice.
I don't doubt your love for your boyfriend. But there are other very important critical things involved. You astutely observe this is his first relationship, and that you're both very young. I wish I could explain this in a way that would make sense to you right now, but the person you will be 5 years from now is a completely different person, and the same is true for him. Hell, his frontal lobe is only physiologically just completed developing. He is right to be cautious, and to say he isn't ready. He isn't. I don't need to know him to know that.
I have to also tell you, I don't like some of the things you've said in slight here. Things like he will try not to snap at you, and you need to be less sensitive, really proves that he is not ready to be a partner, and that your relationship may not be as good as you think it is. I think you're too close to the source to see that objectively.
The simple fact that you have to keep bringing up the next step should be enough for you to see that he isn't ready, and most likely isn't the one. As much as I have the feeling that you are remarkable, I have the feeling that he is not. I think you need to stop trying to put all your happiness and hope on him. He clearly doesn't want it. He couldn't be clearer. And, it shouldn't be that way anyway. It should be you yourself that is the sole creator of your future.
I have the feeling that you are a remarkable person. I have the feeling you can do this, without him. I know you don't want to. But I know that it would be better, and healthier and I can promise you in the long run you will be happier.
If you have 2 degrees and a good job, I really am pretty sure you will be able to find a small apartment you can rent with your dog, rabbit and cat. I think that has to be your priority. One step at a time. My advice is that you stop focusing so much of your beauty and energy on this man. And instead, you focus it on yourself, and getting away from your parents. Please, make that a priority. Please do that, and never for a second doubt whether or not you can. I'm sure you can.
My first apartment by myself without roommates, I was just a little older than you. I had a good job, and a rabbit. I saved, I sold some jewelry and collectibles, I worked one night a week at a photo lab for some extra money, and I was able to do it. I had to pay a little extra of a cleaning deposit because I had a rabbit. So, please believe me, I know it's hard and I know it's a little scary, but I also know it can be done. And I promise you, you will be so glad you did it for yourself.
I want to repeat that I am impressed with you. I know you can do this. I hope that you will, and that you'll keep in touch.
xoxox
Veronica
Hi Veronica,
This is my first day reading some of your articles and you are great.
I have a situation similar to the first in this series, but with some key differences. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years, since we were both 18. We own a house together, have a joint bank account, and own a business together. Basically, except for legally, we are married.
I want to get engaged and one day married. My boyfriend says he wants to also, but financially, we are not in a position for him get me the ring he thinks he needs to get me, or to pay for the wedding he thinks we need to have. I want him to get me a ring for Christmas, but he refuses to even look at them, saying that when he does ask me, he wants it to be a surprise. I even told him, not to get me a ring, we could just go get married quitely and not make a big thing of it. But, he feels some big obligation to do things the "right" way.
How do I know if the finances are just a cover for some deeper feelings he has? Other than these arguements, which aren't often, he is a wonderful guy. He makes me so happy, and is such a kind person. Whenever anyone asks him why we aren't married, he says something like "if I didn't want to be with her, I wouldn't be here." I know he loves me. I also worry that by pushing the engagement/marriage issue, I am making him feel inadequate as a man, because he isn't able to provide what I want.
So anyway, what to do?
Thanks for your help.
What To Do,
2 things about guys: One is that actions speak louder than Words. The other is, they want to control the surprise of the marriage thing.
You ask how can you tell. You can tell by his actions. It sounds to me like his actions speak pretty loudly. He bought a house with you, joined finances with you, and has a business with you. He even tells people a very direct and positive statement when they ask. He is showing you you have a future with him. He is showing you his commitment.
Of course, you could be leaving things out. You have to think about this yourself. Does he do things, like flirt with other girls, not save money, not have time for you... you know the things. And it certainly isn't like so many other ladies that have commented here. He isn't saying he doesn't want to get married, or doesn't believe in marriage, or all those other inane insane things that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is not going to marry you.
From what you've shared, it's all good.
Now for the other thing. You're ruining this. I have no idea why the penis is hardwired in such a way that it requires the proposal to be a surprise and all his idea. I really don't. But believe me, he's not alone. The majority of them are like this. I can not even begin to tell you the people I personally know, and the people I have heard from through my articles, that have gone through exactly this. He gets turned off and pushed away because she brought up marriage first, or pushed the issue, or just never "got it" that he wanted it to be a surprise, and his idea, and done right with the right ring.
It's not logical, it's not right. But it's the way it is. Sounds like he's showing you his commitment. Try to let that be enough for right now and be patient. Stop bringing it up. Let him surprise you.
Hi Veronica,
I love all the advice you give and was wondering whether you could please give me some of your advice for my situation.
I am so confused. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and from the very start of our relationship we have said that this is the relationship that we want to be in forever. To be honest, it hasn't been the most stable of relationships. The first year was frustrating as he would do careless things like not call me for days or when he said he would, he wasn't very good on my birthday and we tended to argue a lot over these types of issues - his lack of engagement in the realtionship (although he said he was doing everything he could so maybe they were my issues). When I brought up the idea of living together after a year of sleeping at each other's houses every night, it actually led to a month long break because he said he felt pressured etc. It was after many highly emotional conversations where he was incredibly frustrated and angry I naturally backed off straight away and let him have his space. I also recognised and apologised for my actions (i.e - putting him under pressure).
Anyway, I was all ready to move into a place of my own (I was share housing with others at the time and the lease was up) when he suddenly came back and said that he wanted things to work and we began to look for houses together. During the break, he had also booked a flight to Paris for his 30th birthday trip which we were meant to go on together. I wasn't really upset, I just felt as though I'd brought this on by all the pressure I put on him and maybe that's reasonable.
Anyway, so then it's a year later and we are living together. A few months ago I brought up marriage and asked him how he felt about it. Well, I guess the conversation didn't go so well because it led to me in tears (I know this is not a great way to handle this) and him storming out. He basically said he was not ready and to let him get there in his own time. I was upset, but tried to leave the issue alone for another 4 months. I did bring up the fact that we should be saving a couple of times though, and tried to bring up some goals that we might try and reach as a couple. I usually do all the planning and organising in this relationship. I also tried very hard to work on myself over the time so he could see that I was really commited to the relationship and could be a good life partner.
4 months later and here we are. I brought the issue up again in what i thought, was the most innocent/joking of ways (although I can see now, it was probably a bad idea). He was talking about buying a very expensive guitar and I mentioned something along the lines of "Well, since your buying a guitar, maybe we could start looking at something for me!" I thought that would open up the issue in a light way, so he didn't feel like I was being aggressive. Again, he said that he wasn't ready. He said he loved me and that he would be one day, but not now. I asked him the reasons and he said he was scared of marriage (his parents had a bad one). He also said he wasn't really sure why and that he needed to get there in his own time. I told him my reasons for wanting marriage, which were that I strongly believe in a committed partnership and want to build and share my life with someone. He accused me of only wanting a wedding, that being the only thing I think of, he said I wanted a provider (to which I replied that I want a partner actually), he said that he couldn't afford the type of ring I would want, and that we weren't ready as a couple. He also said that I don't see the reality of the situation and that I only want what I want when I want it. He said I only wanted a 'dog' like companion and that I didn't care about his needs. I ended up in tears again and I asked him how we could compromise in this situation. He said that I just need to let him do it in his time.
The thing is, I am doing everything I can to help us get ready as a couple (well, at least I feel). I have almost finished paying off my credit card, I have asked him whether it would be good to open a bank account where we can save jointly. I have started going back to uni to do my post graduate study. I have also begun to look for cheaper accommodation for the both of us so we can save. I do our grocery shopping, I make sure the bills and the rent are paid on time. I try to organise things to do together so we can strengthen our bond (he often needs his space though so I find it difficult to do this). I've even started going to see a psychologist because I feel that maybe I need to be a better person before I get married or at least be in a fufilling lifelong partnership. I'm trying. I don't know what more I can do.
All he says is that I'm selfish and I pressure him. The other night he went out with a friend and got drunk (he drinks a lot as he is depressed). He ended up in hospital at 6 in the morning with cuts to his head becasue he passed out. Of course, he said it was becasue he was under so much pressure. The next day I took him to the doctor to talk to someone (although he was very resistant and argumentative.)
He has started to leave the house again without saying much, turn his phone off (he does this alot when we fight) and he is still and has been for two years, not good at calling me!
He says I can't communicate properly and maybe I'm not the best since I cry when this comes up, but I think I've tried in my actions. I think I'm so lost and confused that even I think that all I do is pressure him and I'm one of those crazy girls who are obsessed with a wedding and not a marriage. I thought I knew who I was, but now I'm not so sure.
I've said to him that I'm thinking about moving back home, saving some money etc. It's got to that point again where I'm sick of feeling like I'm pressuring him and feel so blamed that I'm willing to leave. He then uses this against me and tells me I'm never there for him when he needs me and that I'm selfish.
When it's good it's amazing and he tells me he loves me a lot. He says to trust him and that he'll get there one day. Maybe I should, but I don't know why I can't...
Sorry this is long Veronica! Any advice would help so much.
By the way, I am 26 and he is 31. We have stable full time jobs but we don't own a house yet. We are renting.
tigerlily14,
Well, you asked for it, so here it is.
He could not be clearer. He isn't ready. His actions speak so loudly and clearly on this. He is not at all in any way ready for marriage. He drinks, he's depressed, he doesn't call, he flips out when you bring it up, he says over and over he isn't ready, he spends money on himself, he does nothing towards a future with you. His actions completely match his words.
I have no idea why you are so obsessed with trying to make something that isn't there, but like you said, are you the person you thought you were? I think you have some real soul searching to do here. My impression is that you are so obsessed with your own agenda that you can't even see how wrong this relationship is.
A relationship where you cry this much, make excuses for his behavior, say things like - "I'm so lost and confised that even I think all I do is pressure him", and clearly aren't getting what you think you want - is a BAD relationship. He doesn't want to marry you. He is very very very clear about that. What isn't clear is why you are so obsessed with forcing someone who so clearly does not want to marry you. Marriage is a huge life long full-on commitment, that you can't possibly have any concept of, if you want so badly to do it with this relationship.
I think what has happened here, is that you love too hard. You don't see what's actually there, you don't see how immature and wrong he is, you don't see anything that's real. You are blinded by your deep love. This is very sad, and very unhealthy.
I think what you need to do is stop. Stop this, it's scary and borderline dangerous. You need to stop putting so much energy and love into something that doesn't give you energy and love back. I suggest you find a therapist, and take your life and your love back. Stop sacrificing yourself so completely for a love that is so destructive.
I just want to say thank you so much for this hub. I hadn't ever been here before, but I was googling "I want marriage and he doesn't" and got directed here. You see, I just broke it off this morning with my bf of 5+ years because of this exact issue. We still haven't finalized everything, as far as splitting up the household and whatnot, and I'm still hurting pretty severely over the whole thing. But reading all these comments and tips helps me to feel like I'm doing the right thing. Like I told him - I love myself as much as I love you, and I'm not trying to spend the rest of my life waiting for you to figure out what you want. I'll be 30 this year, and I'm looking forward to livin' it up!
Thanks, Veronica.
MetryJen
Thanks for letting me know this helped you in your situation. Congratulations on loving yourself and doing what's best for YOU. Best of luck to you.
Oy, now I'm all goofed up again - I broke up with him and now he's frantic and desperate that he doesn't want the relationship to end. He's talking counseling (because he doesn't know why he's afraid to get married and now he thinks he does), trial separation with courtship (we never properly courted in the first place), etc. I really don't know what to do here. I can't just let it go - if I do that then I risk falling right back into the cycle of waiting fruitlessly. We've been there before. But I do love this man, and I don't want to end what was a perfectly good relationship if he really does finally realize what he would miss out on. He is a good man - smart, funny, loyal, cute and good with his own son. All I can think of to do is agree to the separation with courtship and make him go stay with his mom or a friend for a while and see how that goes. But god it's hard to make him leave when he so obviously loves me. Whether we break up or not there are risks on both sides. What do you think, is it worth it to give it one more try?
MetryJen,
I think your idea of his moving out and the two of you courting sounds like a good plan. Actions speak louder than words, and if he really does follow through with counseling, and properly courting you, than I think you're on the right track.
At this point though you have to do something. Continuing int he situation of the two of you living together and nothing changing only reinforces that you don't mean what you say and he can get away with stagnation.
I have been going through the same thing as all these ladies, putting pressure on him to get married and waiting and waiting...we have been together over 2.5 years and it has been a loving relationship, but like an idiot I didn't listen from jump when he told me he didn't want a serious relationship leading to marriage...but then at that time I didn't want anything either but after our first year together things changed...I wanted a deeper committment leading to marriage...I am 29 and he is 32 soon to be 33.
I don't feel that what we have is enough and whenever I bring it up which is rare these days he's says he can see himself married but not now...we took a break because he was having a hard time telling his parents about us as his parents live in India and they want him to marry someone in his culture, so finally about close to a year ago they came to the US for the first time and I met them, they like me and like them...he was very happy about it all...his parents even asked him why don't you marry her you two seem close and she practically lives with you...but again he told them he was not ready...we do have a very close relationship eventhough intially he said he wanted something less serious...but I now I think I need to move on either way and though I love and respect him I really don't want him to feel forced, but I guess the hardest part is letting go...I have decided to spend less time with him...it just seems hard for me understand how someone spends almost everyday with you but doesn not want to marry you and then when the girl leaves the guy quickly marries the next girl...like if the guy knows she not the one...way does he invest so much time in energy to only marry a girl he meets next month...why not ditch the girl you don't like and find the girl you do...I think I answered my own question...they don't want to hurt the girl there with and they don't have the balls to leave and then when the girl wises up and leaves he is free to find someone he feels is a better match wow...well aleast getting it out helps me put it in prospective...
ok so what would you advise a girl who decides to leave a relationship for this reason and maybe a year or 2 decides to date again, what should she do differently?
Lovey523
Smart girl. You really learned a hard lesson, but wow! Look at that post! It's really insightful.
I think everything you're saying is correct. And you do need to separate yourself from this. Women are such different creatures than men are. I give you alot of credit for going through this, and coming out with such a clear head.
What to do differently next time.... that's a hard one. Of course you should listen when a guy says he doesn't want anything serious. But often times guys grow up, and change. It's always most important to remember that actions speak louder than words, and this works in both directions.
If he's saying: "Oh yes, i want to get married someday" But he won't save money for a wedding, spends money on things that have nothing to do with growth as a couple, won't move in with you... it doesn't matter what he's saying, he has no intention of marrying.
And on the other side of things, if he is saying, "I don't know that I ever want to get married" but he's doing things like saving money, cutting back on spending on things for just himself, moves in, well then obviously he IS growing and changing whether he wants to admit it or not.
One couple I know, the guy had said over and over he never wanted to get married. And they were at a wedding and he actually asked the band leader for contact info and said "I think I'd like to hire you to play my wedding." He would tell her, "Don't hold your breath," and then they would be someplace and he'd say - "This is a great place to look for a starter house for us." He handed her his tax refund and said, start a savings account for the two of them with it. His actions were heard, she waited it out, and two years later he popped the question.
But I can name off maybe 25 couples I've known, where the guy could not have been clearer in his actions that they were NEVER going to marry this girl. Some said it with words, but ALL of them said it with their actions. It pains me to think about these women, not hearing and not seeing what was so painfully clear to everyone else. One girl I knew stuck it out for 7 years. It really got pathetic, it was hard for any of us to look her in the eye, she seemed so delusional, just ignoring reality and living in her own fantasy that he would one day marry her. Making excuses, rationalizing. God, if I had to sit through one more of her "I know he really loves me, " speeches I would have called for the psych ward to come get her myself.
It's not really that the guy is lying, it's that all guys are like a 14 year old kid with the excuses and the put-offs, and the resistance to growing up. They just have no idea how to be honest about these feelings. And when they do figure out a way to say it, often the girl just hears what she wants to hear and not what he actually said anyway.
Lovey523, best to you, with that very smart head on your shoulders I am sure you are going to be fine. Go out there and get what you deserve.
I also wanted to say thank you very much for this hub and all the advice. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 10 years. I'm 31 and he's 36.
For the first 6 years we were always talking about marriage, the future, etc. Then my friends started getting married and suddenly he started saying that he wasn't ready for marriage etc.
To cut a long story short the marriage issue started dominating the entire relationship, things went downhill and at the beginning of 2008 we decided to live separately but still see each other. Fast forward 6-7 months and I decided that the relationship was going nowhere (my friends all agreed) I mean if he doesn't know after 8 odd years - what's the point?
So I broke up with him but he said that he did want to get married and that he realised that he wanted to be with me 100% etc. We had a big heart to heart and I made it clear that I wanted to get married the following year and go travelling and he agreed to this plan (in theory! We even talked about whom we would invite - not just me him too!).
So in September we moved back in together. Everything was going very well - we were both happy, he made a big effort on my birthday (weekend away, lots of presents etc.) until the new year when I asked him whether he had any intention of proposing. The issue for me is that I am from a culture where my parents just won't accept my partner until I am married. If I didn't have that issue I don't know whether marriage would be such a make or break issue for me. Anyways a couple of weeks ago we talked properly and it turns out that he isn't ready?!? The reason - he wants to save money, etc. we had discussed all this the previous year and I thought we had come to a conclusion that we could still move forward with both our goals. I freaked out and accused him of lying etc. last year and we are now stuck in a flat that we can get out of for at least 3 months because of the contract!
I have now told him that I think we should split and I feel ridiculous for believing him last summer as I was as emotionally prepared as I could be for the split last summer whereas until recently I was operating under the illusion that we were going to get married. Having read all the advice on this site I have to say I have learnt a couple of things - first off you can so obsessed with the marriage thing that you lose sight of what's important like your life goals and whether these are in tune with the person you want to marry. Also if he ain't ready he probably never will be - that#s why I think the split is the only thing to do even though its breaking my heart! Thoughts?
Tahiti,
No new thoughts. I think you pretty much got it all. I think you're doing the right thing splitting. You know in your heart that you are. Thank you so much for sharing your story here.
V
I just wanted to say your hubs/comments are great and would like to post for myself as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years now. I'll soon be 26 and he's 30.
About a year into our relationship, we went house hunting because he wanted to buy a house. He also wanted me to move in with him. I asked him if he was sure because I didn't want to move in with him if he didn't see us or think about us getting married in the future. He said yes, but after he finished his apprenticeship (only had 1 1/2 to go) and we both save up some money.
I then began to wait patiently and all has been well. He's been laid off a few times and I've had some money issues myself, but we both help each other out. I did ask him about a year ago (2 1/2 years in) about opening a joint bank account and then our own savings accounts on the side just so that we could get used to the combined funds, but not feel like we are spending each others money on unneeded things. He said no, not untill we are married, which prompted me to bring up the marriage discussion.
We had a long chat about marriage and children. He said he wasn't ready of either. Named numerous reasons like look at the divorce rate, my friends are not married but live with their girlfriends and kids, my sister and other friends waited 5-8 years before getting married, a wedding would cost too much, and my personal favorite, its just a peice of paper. He then told me that he does see being with me and having children, but is just afraid of getting divorced shortly after or that I would leave him.
Yes, a red flag went up! I wasn't sure if I should run or stay, but I stayed. I figured we always talked things out and came up with a compromise and always know how each other feel in the situation we face together. We keep everything open and honest as possible.
6 Months ago I brang up marriage and children again. This time he didnt give me any excuses besides lets wait a few more years. My friends and family along with his have already begain to ask when and if we are going to get married/have children. He knows I would like to be married and have atleast one child by the time I'm 30. He doesn't want kids untill he's married which is fine, but I also have some small fertility issuses which may make it take longer to conceive.
What makes me angry at the whole situation is that he won't even compromise with me on marriage. He says lets wait a few years but won't say if its 2 yrs, 4 yrs, but doesn't want to be in his late 30's when he has children. I have told him that I would wait, but not much longer than 4 years into our relationship. I've asked him if he's afraid of commetment, and he says no otherwise he would have broken up with me instead of still living with me.
My name is not on the mortgage, and he can maintain the house with out my financial help. He never says my or mine, he always says ours, us, we. He does see that we have a better relationship than most of our friends that are married or unmarried.
We are almost to the 4 year mark, and I think I've given him enough time. He knows marriage is important to me. I don't want him to feel like I'm forcing marriage on him, but I figure if he hasn't made up his mind and keeps on telling me we'll do it in another couple years, then I might not be the one for him. Then again I don't want him to get pissed that I'm leaving him and tell me he'll marry me and regret it later on.
I'm getting so confused on what to do. I love him and do beleive he's the one for me, but will leave him if he's still afraid to commet. He's more for children than for marriage. Should I just cut things off and look for other fish in the sea?
Oops, sorry, forgot to spell check my post. Thank you for your thoughts ahead of time.
candygirl954,
You are not getting what you want from this relationship. Communications have been clear. You're entire relationship is "his way" and he's made a lot of excuses as to why your needs don't factor in. I think it's time for you move on.
I am in a relationship with an Indian man, I am American and he is Muslim. I love him and he loves me, but his family doesn't want him to marry me. I don't know if I can stay in a relationship part time and them when he goes back to his home that is the end for us. I love him with all of my heart and he loves me too but I don't know how to make it last. I am not worried about money, he makes far less than me but that is not the matter in this situation. I want him to be my life partner and I want us to be happy with his family and my family. How do I do this?
Nikki-bie
If he really wanted to spend his life with you, it wouldn't matter to him what his family thinks. Whether it's an excuse, or a reflection of his culture, it should be a clear red flag for you.
Clearly, he chose his family over you. Why would you want to be with a man that doesn't put his life wiht you as a priority?
Hi Veronica,
I need your help. I live in the Caribbean island of Trinidad & Tobago.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years almost 3 years. We started to live together for about 1 and a half years now & in the beginning of the relationship he asked me to marry him but he wanted to just go into the court house and do it quickly which I was against, actually to tell you the truth I wasn't ready at the time because it was about 7 months into the relationship when he asked me. Anyway now its been almost 3 years and about a year ago I brought up the marriage thing and all he can say is that he's not ready. He is not from my country he is a Syrian but he treats me the best anyone has ever treated me before. We have a joint bank and savings account and he will do anything for me. My family loves him alot and he helps them out in whatever they need anytime.
Anyway, recently I've been bringing up marriage and all he can say is that he does not have that in his head right now and that if we get married he wants me to go back to Syria to live with him which I am not prepared to do at all and I told him this.
He also tells me that he loves me but cannot get married to me and if he does he will end up hurting me because he has to leave eventually to go back to his country to live. The other day for my birthday I brought up the topic again he shocked me when he said I asked you earlier and you told me no so why do you wnat to get married now.
Please help me he also tells me how much he loves me and will do anything for me but cannot get married to me. I am 28 years and I love this man will all my heart.
Please advise me what I should do?
Thanks.
The whole "I have to go back to my country" thing really freaks me out. I have a big problem with that, and if I were you, I would be separating myself from this relationship. If he wants you, he can promise to stay where you are and marry you. If he doesn't, then that's that.
Sometimes there is a lot of middle ground in these scenarios. Sometimes there are hidden meanings and vague gestures, and things that really need a lot of consideration. Yours is not one of those. The threat that one day he must leave and go back to Syria is ridiculous to me. If I were you, I'd be saying, well if you must go eventually, then go now.
Good luck to you.
Thanks Veronica for that advice but its much easier said than done I really love this man & I want to move on but everytime I try to break things off with him he doesn't want it and its really hard because he tells me he loves me a lot. I think I need to really put "my foot down" & leave him because I cannot go on this way especially when I want to get married and have a family and time is going by and he is not even making a move to go back to his country, but keeps saying that he will soon.
But thanks again for the advice.
hi veronica,
Firstly, I am so glad to find this website containing this topic. I am in a slight odd yet somewhat close situation with the rest of the posts here and I sure do appreciate any advise you can give.
I'll make this short and sensible as possible. I met someone online. I'm a petitioned alien working here in the usa. I have a good job, a good salary and I am single and everyone that I know is shocked why because they think I have everything that a guy must be blind not to notice. I am just waiting for the spark , and boom, this guy has it everything. Months later after chatting, he finally said I love you, and I do love him back as much.
We had rough rides , moments and weeks where he went missing in action due to heavy work load. I understand that as he is a lawyer plus the time difference is aweful big. There were times I wanted to give up. But there are times he makes it up big time by staying up until wee hours in the morning their time just to catch up and spend time with me. He has done this lot and I can tell he does love me.Due to some financial setbacks months later at his work and after him cancelling twice his plans of coming here to meet me and after so many arguments about how things would have been different and how I would be able to see that his feelings are genuine only had we met, I finally took the risk to fly there and see him and find out what was there between us. I did make sure I was safe, I left friends here everything that was necessary to do and I got friends back in his place in case worse comes to worse during the meeting.
At the airport , it was so good heavenly to finally see and touch the person you are in love with. Finally, after 16 months of waiting to meet up there we were. It was surreal unbelievable like he kept saying that. Everything went so good, and our first hug felt like I finally found my soulmate. The connection is there, the passion, the feeling that you guys have known each other like for the longest time even if you just actually met.
The next day I found myself listening to him explaining that he couldn't do it as he realised he likes me so so much but he wasn't just yet over with his ex of 14 years. He was 31 then and they were together since he was 16. He kept explaining he did not want to make things worse and mess it up like he did to his ex. They split up cos they always argue nonstop. Anyway, I cried like there was no tomorrow, but I picked up myself. I asked that he take me to find a hotel where I could stay. I never even got to eat anything that day and I strolle d for 3 hours in the cold and rainy europe trying to get me a hotel room. It was so bad, really bad. The worse day of my life.
He made visits to me and he went back to work few days after. I went to my friends to find company and seek comfort. I thanked them for being there . That was utter stupidity that I did, but I had to do it to find out. Whilst at friends we talked on phone and he asked me not to ring his cell as it was for work purposes and he will get into trouble if he continues to use it aside work. That was very inconvenient for me to get in touch with him as he wanted to see me again the night before I leave. We agreed to meet 7 pm dining area at my hotel, and 8 pm past, 9 pm past. No sign of him . I rang his house number and hoped someone would pick up, and his bro did. He explained that he got tied with work still and will contact him right away to let him know I called up . This was confusing though! how would his bro contact him?? work phone?
Anyhow, half an hour later I rang again. I was anxious and pissed but yes I wanted to see him for the last time before my plane leaves. He finally picked up the phone and apologized as work was busy and he did not think he would get stuck in the office. He asked me to wait for him after two hours and he should be at the hotel. He asked me not to go out for the night without him. Two hours later, he wasnt there. So I went out with a friend and enjoyed my night . I rang his house, no response. God I must have rung twenty times. We went back to hotel , 1 am now and still no him around. Later on he rang me and said he was on his way and had to finish up something from work etc. Then there he was, at the hotel , and ended up spending the rest of the time I got left with me.
He offered to take me to the airport and at the line he kept saying that I not get married as he will visit me asap. The night before, I asked him what does he actually feel for me, he looked at me and said he felt like he is in love with me. I just thought , he needed time to get to his own thoughts.
Back here in usa I intended to take a break from him and told him that straight off. He said he understood that, but a week later, he was just scared as hell to do it and said I love you to me again. I told him that he doesnt know what he is saying and he doesnt know those words. He kept apologizing for the mess he has done and he will come here to see me and prove it to me. He said he realized he wants me and no one else. I felt happy , but cautious .
It has been 6 months since we met and I must admit I love this guy without any explanation. There are still rough rides but he tries to do his best even if it isnt really good enough for me . Then new year, I told him my plans that I am in the point where I want to settle down already and start my own family. We had a bit of off argument about this, and the next day he said he will move here asap to be with me, and he was considering settling down, and he doesnt want to lose me to nobody else. God I was happy. Then 3 weeks later comes the news from my immigration lawyer. He advised me that should I want to marry someone outside from usa, I have to do it within a year from now before I do another step of my immigration papers. He explained that If I do it later than a year, my husband can't be with me till after 5 years of waiting! I dont want to do that, I will be turning 26 and I just don't want that long years of waste waiting.
I explained this to him. At first I thought he understood it well. Due to bad timing to talk about this matter, we finally sat down and talked a month after I told him that news. Now , he freaked out. He told me he never said he wanted to get married, he told me he can't get married yet, and that he doesnt want to lose me but he understands if I don't want to wait for him anymore. I do agree that he said we just only met once and marriage right away is nuts. That, left me crying, wondering, what the hell just happened? He seemed to have change his mind.
Deep inside I know it's him. We still schedule to talk again all these matters. He is supposed to come in two months, but now we are talking about breaking up. I am not sure waht to do anymore. I told him I dont want to lose him as he is my everything but I don't want to wait because those years of waiting I could not take back. His parents are divorced so maybe this contributes to his fear of marriage, or maybe we still need time to get to know each other. I dont know i am sleepless these days. please help me. I am in love with him , despite everything he has done. I am never a patient lady, but with him I have been . I want to spend time with him but now I dont know anymore should we keep on seeing each other and see how things go or just cut it off because he might now want to get married in the end still.Sorry for the long post.
Yellowbird
He is not into you. He likes the idea of having you on the hook, but has no intention at all of marrying you. Had you not forced the initial meeting he would never have done it. He's been very clear with this in his actions, but he's a cowardly user in word, and has kept you by feeding you the bare minimum of commitment and emotion. And it's worked.
He's a player and a jerk. Stop it.
hi
My fiance and I have been together for seven yrs and engaged for two yrs. We have two kids together. We also own a house together. We have a great relationship but everytime the marriage thing comes up it goes downhill. Initially we were planning a big wedding and he didnt want to go through with the hassel. Then we were planning a small wedding and he didnt want to do that either. He said that I am focusing too much on the wedding and not on the marriage. Then I suggested that we go elope and everytime I want to put down the deposit for the honeymoon something comes up. So I suggested that a month from now we go to the courthouse just do it. Now he says that he loves me and wants to marry me but he is not sure when. He says that he is scared of marriage and that we are already committed to each other and living together so why does anything have to change. Obviously, I was very upset and crying. We have been through so much and I cant understand why he doesnt want to make me his wife. At first I agreed to the 4 months and if he didnt marry me by then I would leave him. But I do not want to make him do something that he does not want to do. I feel like he just said that 4 months thing to make me happy. I feel like he will never be ready. What else do I have to do? He tells other people that I am his wife so I cant understand what is holding him back. Am I wasting my time?
hopeless,
I'm really sorry, you sound unhappy and upset over this, and that sucks. He's being very clear - he doesn't want to marry you. Giving him an ultimatum isn't going to change that. You may be able to get him to marry you but you can't ever make him want to.
Unfortunately you're given him everything he does want - a commitment, living together, you completely full time, even kids. So he has no reason to think about what he has to change about himself to get the things he wants. He already has them all. Also, he's aware of your desire to marry but you've proven that you will provide everything he wants without your getting that one thing you want, so again, he has no reason to do anything he doesn't want to.
You've put him in a very foolproof position. I am sorry, but if you're asking me for advice then you must be aware I don't pull any punches. You can't have both - you can either have him and the life you're living, or, you can go elsewhere.
I think you should stop letting yourself get all twisted over something you can't change, and instead focus on the very real choice you have to make: you can either stay with him and enjoy the commitment and children and house and his albeit limited partnership, or, you can decide marriage really is more important than all those things and end this situation that causes you such upset, and go out in the world and start again. Find someone else. And get married.
There is no wrong answer. On the one hand you have a certain life with him that probably has it's really good points. On the other, you are life partnered with someone who knows what you want and clearly CLEARLY clearly doesn't give a shit, is only concerned with what he wants.
Stop giving him all the power. Take your power back. Decide what is to become of your life for yourself. Stop waiting on someone else to completely change (which is NEVER going to happen) to give you what you want. Decide to let go of the marriage thing and embrace what you have, or decide to go out there in the world and get what you want.
Hi Veronica,
I met a great guy 5 years ago, and due to our age and location (college in different states) we agreed to be friends and casually date during our internship. Fast forward, he moved to my area, and we have been together for a wonderful 1 1/2 years.
During the course of this year, my boyfriend has been moving at a fast pace. Within the first few months he would discuss how many children he wanted, and state that he wanted me to be "the mother of his children". While we disagree on some major issues (when to have kids, where to live) we have always seemed to compromise and work together. As of a month ago, he stated that he saw us married by the end of the year (6 months), which I became flustered and said that I would need at least a year. (Not because I'm not ready, but because we are both busy and it is a lot of stress)
1 week after the marriage comment...he and I hit a roadblock on homes and where to live. He immediately proclaimed that he was not ready to ask my father if he may marry me, and that moving in together in 4 months was a bad idea. I am left shocked, and feeling completely betrayed. I feel as though he strung me along with these "fantasies", while he says he needs to organize his life (finances, health, etc.) before he can move forward with me.
I am pushing him away. I don't trust him, and my emotions are black and white. I feel so betrayed that I am ready to cut him from my life. I don't feel the effort is there (seeing each other 3 days a week, compared to 7 in the past) and I don't want to end plan my life with these expectations that we will work out.
Please help, I feel that my emotional issues, and past relationship issues where someone close to me used marriage as a way to reel me back in...is ultimately going to destroy what I truly love with my current boyfriend. At the same time, I don’t want to be so in love that I can’t see this happening to me again.
hi,
i do agree with you to a great extent. however, i also think that girls need to be extremely vocal about their feelings when they start taking the relationship seriously. I have been in relatioships with guys who wanted to marry me but i didnt want to marry them.... so it works both ways..... and with my current bf, after dating for 2 years, i brought the subject up... and asked him what his plans are... my bf did say he has not thought about marriage yet... but i did not leave it at that.... i knew what this meant i didn't want to be taken for a ride.... so i told him to leave me if he didnt see the relationship working out.... but he had a different story to tell... he said that he does want to have a future with me... but he has not thought about the "when" part yet... and that the way our relationship is going, IT will happen finally... but he cant get married right now coz of his financial struggle.... all i am trying to say.. is that just coz a guy says he is not ready YET... does not mean he doesn't have the intention.... so if someone who's stressed out for the same reason reads ur post.. it will only make them a lil more negative... i honestly feel every relationship is different and no general view is going to be 100% accurate.... so if u have an issue with ur guy or girl about marriage espicially... i guess talk it out... also, action speaks louder than words.... like my guy doesn't just satisfy me physically but emotionally as well.... and that answers a lot of my questions.... so trust the person u are with... go with ur gut feel... anytime u think there is a problem in ur relationship... speak it out... each and every minute detail... if ur guy tries to escape ur questions and doesn't comfort u.... i guess the answer is clear... in my guy's case... everytime i bring the subject up.. he keeps his cool.. he listens to me.. and tries to sort out my worries.... so i can safely say... even if he's not ready for marriage yet... his intention is right :)
Hi, Veronica,
Like another woman earlier in the thread, I found your site after googling the phrase, "he says he's not ready for marriage." I'm not sure if I'm asking for advice (although certainly feel free to enlighten me with your wisdom) as much as I am posting a cautionary tale for all those who pass by. Here's my story:
I am 32 years old and have been with a man for the past six years. In the beginning, he was an absolute dream come true. In my experience, men are largely uncommunicative and expect women to read between the lines, as it were. This man, however, was very verbally demonstrative about his interest in me. Although I am typically a very slow starter in relationships, he was so "into" me that I felt I'd be a fool not to accept his repeated requests for a date. Within ten minutes of seeing me for the first time (we met online), he gave me the hottest kiss I think I've ever received. That was pretty indicative of the first six months of our relationship. I left the country for a few months to take a work assignment and visit friends in Germany. Upon my return, I was welcomed home with flowers, a home-cooked meal, and a night of intense passion... all things that would impress even the most cynical and jaded of women. The following week, he took me to dinner and "proposed" that I be his real girlfriend. I was taken aback by the formality of the question, but he explained himself by telling me that he'd not found a woman worthy of such an attachment, as he placed a lot of importance on the title of 'girlfriend.' The next few months were blissful, and then...
I lost the job I held so dear. It was a very devastating time for me, because I had worked so hard to establish a career for myself, and I do not live in an area where jobs of this nature are plentiful. I was only 26 then (he was 24) and still had time to set things back on track, but I'll be the first to admit that the impact this event had on my psyche was tremendous. He was very consoling to me initially, but eventually began to withdraw.
The job search took several months, and I was eventually forced to accept a low-paying position that did not make use of my talents or education, and this compounded the issues I was having with myself. Other things happened that would make this post significantly longer than it will end up being, but the important lesson to take from it is this: It seemed as though each time I needed him, he'd withdraw, sometimes eventually to the extent that he ended our relationship.
The marriage issue was brought up about a year into it, when I foolishly began putting the pressure on. This was a huge mistake, not only because one should never have to coerce someone into taking that step, but also because it had already been proven that when the going got rough, he got going... as in gone. In retrospect, I think that it was the fact that he was around at all when I began losing so much of who I was that he became part of my new identity.
We had a major break in 2005 when I suffered a mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital for nine days. Two days into my stay, I learned that he and his mother (who despises me, and I her) had moved all of my things out of the apartment we were sharing and back into my mother's house. His excuse for that was that he wanted me to be with people who cared about me. I am very ashamed to admit that it took me until recently to understand what that statement meant: I want you to be with people who care about you because I do not.
I gathered myself and eventually tried to move on. I dated a few people, but for reasons that I'm still trying to understand, I loved this man deeply. At the end of that same year, we were back together again. He convinced me that his fear of serious commitment, confrontation, and dealing with adversity was gone, and that he had begun thinking in terms of the future. He didn't want it immediately, he said, but he could see it. Psh. I started seeing that his words -- "I want to get married maybe someday" -- and his actions -- growing distant the more I let my guard down and expected him to follow through -- never quite meshed. Again, with another painful breakup.
I did not wait very long to begin seeing someone else, but it also didn't take very long for word to get back to him that I had moved on. So, once again, he became Mr. Amazing. Doing and saying all the right things, angling for marriage, being very loving and demonstrative again... and I fell for it. Predictably, once I began feeling comfortable with his affection and asked him when he would make good on his promise to marry me, he lost interest. So I ended it and told him that there would not be another chance.
Wrong.
This last time, I decided I'd give it some time before reentering the dating scene, just to give myself a chance to REALLY heal and process things so that I'd be less likely to fall for anyone's b.s. ever again. And after a while, I did meet someone. To be fair, I was not really that into HIM, but he was good company in the beginning. Yet again (yes, this becomes painful to read, I'm sure), my ex discovered that I had moved on. I had maintained contact with him because his best friend had just committed suicide, and a huge part of me could not bear to see him suffer because of it. We had lots of long talks, but one day, he absolutely lost it because I mentioned that I would not see him because it wouldn't be fair to the person I was dating (although by this point, I knew it wouldn't last). He ended our contact, went back to our mutual friends and told them that *I* had devastated *him*, and that my timing sucked because -- lo and behold! -- he was ready for marriage. This time, I waited for a month, just to see if he'd stick with it. And when I went back to him (!), he seemed elated.
At first, HE would bring up marriage. His mother and I were not on good terms, as I've already mentioned, and he didn't have much family apart from her. My own family had grown tired of watching me walk back into this disaster time and time again, so I had little support on my end. In light of these factors, we agreed to go on a cruise and have a private elopement ceremony. After five years of struggle, I was finally watching this person follow through on his promise! Sounds incredible, doesn't it? Then, I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when he began balking at my INFREQUENT and TOTALLY PASSIVE suggestions that maybe we actually start saving for this rendezvous.
Things went to the backburner when my father passed away in December (tragically, of course, but not unexpectedly). At that time, marriage was really the last thing on my mind. What was concerning me then was the fact that my brother's brand-new girlfriend accompanied us to the funeral, while my guy hadn't even met my father during any of the time we had been together, despite having had opportunities to go with me to see him (he lived in another state). Moreover, when I simply needed consoling, he seemed fidgety and distant again. I sucked it up and worked through it alone, and eventually came back to the unresolved marriage issue. Why I still even wanted it is a mystery. Familiarity, I suppose? Masochism? Both? Probably.
Finally, after several weeks of biting my tongue, I asked him more directly if he had given any more thought to where we wanted to take a cruise. He promised he'd look that evening while he was at work (he has a third-shift techie job). The next morning, I was overjoyed to find that he was true to his word: there, in my inbox, was an email containing a link to a cruise. I smiled, clicked the link, and saw that it was regarding a 52-day cruise that cost well over $11,000 per person. Not a serious effort, as I'm sure you've surmised.
My boiling point had been reached. I demanded to know why it was that he kept dangling the tasty carrot of marriage if he had no plans of following through. Then, he said, "I'm not really sure if I want it. I mean, I DID, but now, I just don't know."
As with the countless other times before, why I did not just wish him a
Ah, looks like it got cut off. Sorry about the length. ::blush::
Birdmadgirl, np on the length. If there's more please finish, or email it to me. I will respond. Promise ;)
I really think if they're not ready, don't push them or try and trap them as I have seen some women do. It always backfires!
NJC - Your question is answered in your own hub. Please go here:
Boyfriend Says Not Now to Marrying GF with BPD
Looking for some advice please. I have been going out with a guy for about 1 year. We are very close and moved intogether about 5 months ago. It was the best thing we could have done and was his suggestion as we'd been spending most nights together after work and then he went back home (his family are from europe and hes been living in uk for about 5 years) for a week. He said he thought we should bring forward living together as we both hated being apart. So all is going well. He is thoughtful considerate, not overly romantic in gestures but emotionally he is always telling me how much i mean to him, how i am everything to him, as important as his mother is (he is a "bit" of a mummys boy, but not too bad and to be fair he is thousands of miles away from his family) and how much he loves me. We talk about marraige and children and agree we would like that kind of life in a few years time. I am quite a paranoid and mistrusting person really as my parents divorced after 14 years because my dad had an affair with someone at work. I am still very close to both parents though. My boyfriends parents have been happily married for 30 years.
So despite all this sounding positive, I still am concerned. Because im 27, he's 28 and a lot of people we know are at the stage of getting engaged etc. Everytime it happens, i feel a twinge of jealousy and envy that it isnt me. My boyfriend says he can definitely see us getting married in about 2-3 years time, that he certainly wouldnt leave it 5 years to propose and that we would have children after that. Yesterday we had a really nice chat about rough timelines. He said he wants certain things to be in place first, like movign from rented to mortgage, having a regular job (currently he is working shifts with no regular pattern) and having savings as he doesnt want to welcome kids into a world of debt. But today, when one of my other friends announced her engagement, although he likes them as a couple he said he thought it was stupid that they'd got engaged after 7 months and even though they have bought a house and i think they must just know and want to crack on, he said it just seems too soon. He then went on to say that he couldnt necessarily see the big deal about getting married, that having kids was more of a commitment and that you could have children without getting marrired. A different story to yesterday. I told him that i have a different view of marriage, perhaps a more romantic view. He said that is normal.
Ive told him i dont want to pressure him and despite what he thinks i dont want to get married right now, i just want to know that he does want the same thing as me, because thinking you want to marry someone is a massive deal not to take lightly.
He will often come home after midnight from a late shift and jump into bed and cuddle me hard and whisper how much he loves me and last week he said "one day we are going to get married and have babies arent we?" and then the next day he called me just to ask what i thought about the "wedding idea". But then he says conflicting things a few days on.
I tried to explain that if he wants to be able to afford kids, then unfortunately 3-5 years probably wont be enough, if we were looking to save for a mortgage and save for a wedding. And literally yesterday he said he wouldnt be sure about having kids without getting married. So a total contradiction to what he said today. Generally I would say he is a very traditional person and he told my mum once that he definitely wants what his parents have - a loving relationship built on respect and he is not idealistic, thinknig that there has to be this passion all the time, that its not real life. My mum said she got a real sense from him about family values. He also told me that he used to be afraid of settling down but that i am his best and favourite girlfriend and he believes i will be his last girlfriend.
I dont know that ive explained this especially well, but i just feel a bit confused. He doesnt generally go out much, says when he has free time, he'd rather spend it with me, he's taken a course for a new career because he said it will give us a more settled and stable and regular life and that at the moment, although he has thought about us long term marriage etc, at the moment, he cant even work out what next weeks shift is, let alone what suit to wear at his wedding. That he just wants to get some stability and routine first.
So am i being emotional about the fact my friend has just got married and a bit unsympathetic to his changes in life to try to make us a future? By the way he saves money every month and does like us to live a bit of a high life at times, but he is also big on cuddling and staying in, just going out from time to time to a party night, type thing.
Help, Im confused?!
First, this is a great site with great info. So here's my issue on this subject. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3yrs, we're both in our late 40's. We when first started dating, we talked about what type of relationship we wanted and after we became exclusive we discussed the relationship in terms of moving forward and touched the subject of marriage to see how each felt about it - we both agreed that was something we wanted and in the meantime would let the relatinship grown - no problem. However 2 yrs down the road when i brought up the subject of marriage just to touch basis on the subject - he stated he wasn't ready and i knew that meant financially, which i totally understand, but my concern is that he's not doing anything about it, i.e. extra income, cutting back, etc...things just keep rolling along as does time. I know this man loves me and he has said he wants to be with me, we don't live together, but we spend every day together, take trips together, we're close with each other's family - we know we're in this for the long haul, but if he's not ready at almost 50 then i really don't see him being ready. It's not about just being married, its about us building a life/future together and that's what i don't see happending. Before calling it quits, should couples counseling be an option?
dating4ever,
You're right, actions speak louder than words. If he isn't doing anything to work toward the goal of marriage, like saving money or cutting back, then he's giving you a very clear sign.
Counseling is of course an option.
I think you'd do well to confront him about it. It sounds like he's happy with the relationship you have, and that you aren't, you want it to be working toward a marriage. There is nothing wrong with either perspective, however there is everything wrong with misrepresenting to your partner what it is you want.
Keep in mind that men tend not to want to rock a steady boat. If he likes the relationship as it is, he may not be planning marriage or any changes, because he's comfortable. You have to let him know that things as they are will not remain because you will be changing them.
You don't have to be bitchy or give an ultimatum in order to be clear. You can tell him you'd really like to talk about this, and state clearly what you want. Do so with a TIME FRAME. Stop this "in the future" talk. It gives him permission not to think about this "now." Communicate your honest feelings - for example, that you'd like to be engaged in the next 2 years, and married within the next 4 years. Offer steps you'd like to take to make that happen, like working a second job, or one of you selling an extra vehicle, whatever it is. Say you want to open a joint savings account where you can both start adding just $10 a week toward the cost of fun honeymoon and cool ceremony.
Listen to what he has to say about this. Really listen to him, not to what you want to hear, but to what he's actually saying.
If he's good with your plan, you'll see that in action. You'll see the little deposits, and you'll have talks about where a good honeymoon might be.
If he's not good with your plan, maybe he has one of his own. NOW would be the time for him to share it. Maybe he's thinking 5 years instead of 4. That's acceptable. Or maybe he's got some other idea in his head. Listen to him. Encourage him to share it.
But you have to be honest with yourself. If he says he doesn't know if he'll be ready in 4 years, or, if he has a bunch of excuses and avoidances, you need to consider what you want - him, or marriage, because you can't have both.
Veronica,
Thank you so much for your honest, direct approach. I agree and will heed your advice. But one more question though, isn't giving him a timeline the same as an ultimatum?
dating,
No, you can be clear about your goals, without giving an ultimatum and without being nagging. You can say, "I want to be engaged within the next two years, this is my plan. In my life i want marriage and I would like you to be a part of that life," without saying, "If you don't marry me in 2 years I will leave. Propose or I'm out of here."
I wrote a hub on this.
http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Difference-Between-Bei
Good luck
This was really helpful and a great hub as well - you're the best!!
Veronica -
I really enjoy your advice, however painful it may be to hear. My situation is somewhat similar to the previous postings, but I'd like to run it by you anyway.
I met my boyfriend two years ago. From day one the sparks were flying and both of us fell in love with each other very quickly and hard. At the time I met him, I was going through a separation and divorce as was he. We both lived in the same area and saw each other almost on a daily basis. He has children with his x-wife and they have joint custody with visitation rights a week at a time, every other week. Before I even came into the picture, he agreed to move out of state where the ex had moved to in order to continue the every other week visitation. Although an extremely difficult decision for me, I agreed to move out of state with him. The job I had in the new state was awful and I hated it and the entire situation. It put a huge strain on our relationship. I had an opportunity to move back "home" and open my own business. After much discussion, we agreed that would be best and have been having a long distance relationship (although only 2.5 hour drive) for the last 5 months. I'm at a point in my business where I either want to commit myself fully here or look for a new career where my bf lives. I do not, however, want to move again without an engagement. I feel that if I move, I am giving up entirely too much for only the chance of marriage down the road. I have communicated this to my boyfriend. He consistently says that he wants to marry me, he's just not ready to be married or engaged right now. I love him so much that I am afraid to let him go, but I want to start a life with someone. The lonely weeknights are killing me. I tell him that if he's not ready now, then I don't know what could change his mind in the future and that I feel like I am wasting my time. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to cut him loose and move on to find someone who wants to get married, but the larger part of me loves him so much I want to stay in the relationship. Ugh. Help!
Hi Veronica
I've been reading your advice with great interest and wonder if you could help me also. I again, am in the same situation, I want to get married n had kids. He says not yet. I'm 26, he's 28, we both have good jobs, nice house, decent savings or more than average couples our age. We met 5 yrs ago, I had just broke up with my ex and met him 3 months later, but I kept it casual for 7 more months before we agreed that we would be exclusive. I was totally in love with him, even before we became exclusive and I couldn't wait for him to tell me he loved me(I'm old fashioned that way) and have been dreaming of a proposal for the last 4.5 years.
In the beginning we lived in opposite ends of the country, I didn't necessarily like my home town and was happy to move away to live with him, I don't hold that against him in anyway. Before we moved intogether, 2 of his best friends were getting married, so, I guess to put any idea of a proposal out of my head he said that he would rather live with someone first before marriage as only then do you really get to know them. I totally agreed and was more than happy.
Shortly after I moved, things started going wrong which initiall I put down to a learning curve of living together. We had many arguments mainly about decorating our home and I'll be honest it became a power struggle as in my previous relationship I was the boss, I didn't like his attitude which was and still is, that he knows best. If is famous for it and even some of his lifelong friends have said he has always been like that. I've accepted him as the boss in the relationship now, because its true, I do look to him for advice etc. but also for an easy life at times. I feel I am more laid back about certain things. Anyway, I was later diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants for 6 months, I realise that perhaps, in some of our arguments, I was a bit over the top with my emotional outbursts. I've since fully recovered and am no longer taking medication.
That was 2 years ago now, I am now starting to feel I would like to settle down, I want to be a mother and I would preferably like to be married first, however whenever I bring up these subjects he says not yet. At first I didn't argue with this but now I can't ignore it anymore. His reasoning being he is too selfish at the moment and would like to see more of the world. I respect that, as I do too, and we are making plans to go to Australia for a month in the next 18 months. However his non committment over these 2 issues has me feeling deeply down again and I wonder am I wasting my time with him. He can be deeply selfish at times, only thinking of himself and making money, but I have no doubt he would be a great father, he can be very loving at times, and he does right by me and listens to my issues with work etc.
He also says that because the first year was soo bad he wants to see if we can get back to the way we were before we moved in together, I wish it could be too but to me that was the "honeymoon" period, before real life kicked in. He says he wants to be financially secure, we are as secure as we are going to get at this stage, both with young careers and decent savings. He also says he is unhappy with our sex life and feels that I led him on, because now my libido is no where near what it was. (Might I add that we only saw each other once a fortnight so we took advantage of it), we have some form of intercourse about 5 nights a week, which I think is pretty good but he feels is boring. When we spoke about this I agreed that we should make more of an effort but at times it is difficult for me to get aroused, especially If I'm not feeling particularly loved or wanted other than to satisfy his sexual needs.
In a previous discussion, I said I would like to be married by 28 and first child by 30, so that gives him 2 years. I also said, if in 2 years there was no sign of marriage, then I was coming off the pill, whether he liked it or not. That count down is presently at 18 months and I remind him of this every month, in a joking way to ensure there are no arguements. He says nothing when I mention it.
I realise my post is not as bad as some of the above and I admit that perhaps it is only my insecurity that is causing the problems, I'll be honest I do not feel he loves me as much as I love him. But its making me qustion our relationship, whether I should cut my losses and try to find someone who wants to settle down and dreams of being a father. Or stick with him and try to live with the way he makes me feel. Please help!!
Thank you so much for the enlightening information. I hope you can help me as well.
I'm 38 and my boyfriend of 1 and a half years is 32. He has never been in a "relationship" before, but I am divorced with 2 kids. His focus was college, then open a successful business. Once his business was settled in, he decided it was time to consider dating someone in a committed way. It all seems so text book with him. We met and I immediately knew I could marry this man. He's generally a sweet and honest guy, but his lack of experience in the relationship arena is frustrating. About 9 months ago he started staying at my house everynight and pretty much moved it. BUT he just moved in his clothes and stuff he needs every day. He still has his house and goes there several times a week to work and lift weights. (He works from home alot and claims that with the kids here he can't work) I have been asking for 6 months for some sign that he eventually wants to move in all the way. Such as moving his weights in. We do argue fairly frequently. It generally is about his lack of committment or lack of affection that I need that we argue about. He RARELY tells me he loves me. If I say if first, he will say it back...if I cuddle first, he will cuddle back, etc. When confronted, he says he's just not that way. I feel that I need more though. He has though, made strides toward growing up over the past 18 months. He doesn't go out with the guys anymore or anything like that aside from the weekend fishing trips. But I'm beginning to think that he feels pressure because he knows what I want and he keeps saying the same thing. "I don't know what I want" He wants me to be patient, but I don't think I can wait any longer. He claims that every time we get in a fight he takes another step back because he doesn't want to move in and have us break up. I will admit that there have been a couple fights that I got to the point I am now and wanted to throw in the towel, so I told him it was over. Then I rethought it and told him I didn't mean it and I wanted it to work out. Each time we fight he tells me he will work on what bothers me, and for a week or so, he's ok...then he's back to who he really is. I'm getting too old for this. If I knew he would be ready in a year I would wait, but I really don't know if he'll ever be ready. Please help. I really love this man, and I want it to work out. I just don't know how to read he deep down thoughts.
Allison,
He doesn't say I love you unless you say it first, he isn't affectionate unless you start it. He says he can't work around your kids. He only moved in the stuff he needs. He tells you he does not know what he wants. I read this over twice and it is very clear to me he doesn't want to marry you. He just doesn't want to be the bad guy and end it, he wants you to do it. that is obvious by the results of all the fights - you said he claims each fight pushes him farther away, and also you said with each fight he's ok for a week and then goes back to "who he really is." This is crystal clear, Allison. I'm not sure what it is you're claiming you don't know how to read.
If you re-read the parts you wrote here about how you are, with the fighting, and the complaining, and not being happy, and finally ending it but then going back on your word to do so - I think you will clearly see that you have become someone you aren't. Someone you can't be proud of.
You say you really love him and want this to work out. Why do you want this to work out? Why don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to marry you, and say I love you first, and be with you?
You covered this well. Honesty is the key. I won't even consider getting into a relationship that I know (for whatever reason) is just going to have to end later.
Despondent,
There are several very unhealthy things you've written about here. Especially stating you'll go off the pill and get pregnant in your time frame, without the two of you mutually agreeing and deciding to choose to have a baby together. I think you should talk to the doctor that diagnosed you with depression and see if that doctor can recommend a therapist for you. I think you have alot going on, and I think you would really benefit from some very focused sessions with a counselor regarding your specific situation.
Thanks Veronica,
You're 100% right. We decided to end it tonight. It hurts so bad though. I know it's the right thing, and time will heal. The sad part is that we cried on each others shoulders and talked about how we love each other but still said goodbye. Time will heal I'm sure, but right now it sure isn't easy!!
Thanks again.
Hi,
I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. I feel that I have been pushing the marriage talk, but every time I even bring it up to discuss it openly, he shuts down and says he's not ready( I am 27 and he is 30). I ask him if he's not ready to marry me, or marry in general. All he can say is that he doesn't know, and he can't make me any promises. He is in the military and says he does not know where his career will lead him within the next few years. Once again, I asked him if he sees me as part of his future, and he says he doesn't see me as NOT being part of it. Huh? He is buying a condo, which I am not included whatsoever. This is what made me very insecure and pushed me to push him about marriage. We live two hours away from each other and I definitely am not interested in driving that distance for a few more years. He recently told me he needs some space to let the smoke clear after our last "comittment" conversation. I'm giving it to him, but don't know where to go from here. I feel very strongly about marriage in the next few years but I don't know if my hopes of having that with him are going to pan out. For a few weeks we have both been backing away in opposite directions and it seems he no longer wants to have these discussions. You have said numerous times in your responses that actions speak louder than words. His actions tell me that he is happy with where we are. I want some sort of hope for a future with him. Something that he is really not giving me. What is confusing is that he treats me like a princess, at least he was, everything he does includes me. We have the foundation for a great relationship, it's the future that we disagree upon. What should my next step be? It has been about a week since he asked me to give him time for the smoke to clear. We were supposed to go to NYC for a wedding and celebrate our one year anniversary, but he said going would no longer be a good idea. He has not contacted me since he said he needs space. Do I take that as a cop out for breaking it off easily, or is he really taking this time to reflect?
Thank you!
Coco,
You said, "he treats me like a princess, at least he was, everything he does includes me." but he is buying a condo that does not include you.
I think you're confusing the relationship you had with the relationship you are currently having. And they are entirely different.
I think he's being very clear here. He's said things like going to NYC to celebrate your anniversary would no longer be a good idea. He says he can't make any promises to you. He says he doesn't know if he wants to get married.
You're right, I say this all the time - actions speak louder than words. But the actions I'm talking about are the ones that answer the question of does he want to marry you. It's not the way he treats you in bed, or out on a date. the actions I'm talking about are ones that conclude with his intentions. Is he saving for a wedding. Is he checking out wedding bands. Is he saving for a house to buy together, is he doing anything at all that says he is working to make sure you have a future together.
And the answer is no - he's not doing anything that says he wants to marry you. As a matter of fact, he's buying a condo by himself. His actions could not be clearer. They are saying what his words are saying, only stronger.
It is a cop out, like you said, but that is what it is. You need to forget about him and move on. He has.
Dear Veronica,
Your hub was very insightful, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on my particular situation.
To start off with some background details, I would like to mention that I am 21, nearing 22, and entering my last year of university. My boyfriend, of three years, is 23, graduated a year ago, and has a very stable job. While in college we lived together, one year with a third roommate and one year just the two of us in our own place. We have had the 'marriage' discussion before - in more of the 'what are your thoughts' sense, and not the 'let's talk about us' sense. We both felt that before we would get engaged, we would both be out of college, and I still feel that I want to wait until I graduate to get engaged.
However, we have come to a bump in the road. Recently, in a conversation sparked by his mother, (she asked him if he was thinking about marrying me, not in front of me, but he brought it up with me in private) we discovered that he and I have different views on when to get engaged and when to get married. (As a side note, the job I will be taking after graduation requires I do six months of extra, non-paid schooling. (While they pay for the education, I receive no in-pocket payment.) That means I would start working in March of '11.)
That being said, I'll get back to the conversation. So basically, I want to get engaged shortly after I graduate, but not actually get married until sometime in '12 or '13 - meaning we would have a fairly long engagement. He on the other hand expressed wanting to wait until we have our house and have been working and living together for a little while before getting married. So it seems like we agree right? Live together, have a house, then get married - on both our checklists... HOWEVER, the issue comes with the 'engagement' part. He doesn't want to get engaged until after we are living together, therefore, after I have a paying job, and then he wants to get married shortly after.
When I pointed out to him that it would be almost 2 more years before I had a job (therefore 2 more years before we would get engaged) he said, "Well that's just how I feel now, it could change." I don't know what the heck that is supposed to mean. I am pretty sure he wasn't aware that my job required me to put that much extra time into it - and maybe he thought I would start working immediately out of college. (I have been doing an in-college internship program which guarantees me a job, so the job is there, and is not just a 'hopeful' one.) Regardless though, I'm not sure how I am supposed to react to this situation. He has told me that he does see us together, but that he wants to make sure we'll both be happy since marriage is a life commitment. (We've had some issues with the amount of time he spends in his free time playing games vs. with me - but we've cleared that hurdle, though I think some of the memories still eat at him.) He also said he views engagement as the same thing as marriage, just without the legal benefits.
I don't know what to make of this, to be honest. He hasn't said "I'm not ready" in those exact words, and I think it's more so that he is one of those 'safety net' guys. He doesn't like to go out on a limb and take a risk, and he is a very logical thinker, and that he just wants to ‘test drive’ our lives together – since it will pretty much be like we’re married – we’ll be doing the same routines. Work-Home-Work-Home, etc. He has promised me though, on more than one occasion, that he would never let anything bad happen to me, and that he would always be there to support and protect me.
See where my confusion stems from? In your article it seems that if a guy isn't ready now to get married, he never will be. I think he is emotionally ready to be married, but logically he is not. We already act like an engaged couple - saving up for a house, talking about children, even about wedding size and colors... - but in his eyes we are not in the position to get married (and in my eyes we aren't in a position to get married, I do think I should have a job before we tie the knot) but I think we are nearing the time in our lives to get engaged.
So help! What am I missing? Is he just really bad at sending out hints that he doesn't want to get married(to me)? Am I just bad at picking them up? Could it be that he is being 100% honest, and really just wants to wait to get engaged and then get married shortly after? If so, how do I go about discussing my thoughts on a longer engagement with him without seeming like I am pressuring or pushing him into an engagement? I would like to be engaged before we buy a house together, I would also like to be engaged before I commit to my job location. (I haven’t really told him this yet, perhaps I should?) You can understand why I would want to be engaged before making those two life-commitments, right? I would like some sort of guarantee that our relationship is on the track towards marriage… other than words that is. Something more official I guess?
I could really use the help... I sort of wish he had never asked his mom what the difference between engagement rings and wedding rings were. ( I don't think it meant anything, since he asked her in front of me, I think he was just curious.) I have a feeling that sparked his mother into thinking about marriage. I am, though, kind of glad, because I have been thinking about it in the back of my mind.
Thank you in advance.
Dear Veronica,
I am so glad I discovered this hub; there has been a lot of invaluable advice here. I have been grappling with my own problem and have decided to write to your for your insight.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we've been living together for a little over 2 years now. We're both in our late 20s and, lately, the topic of marriage has been on my mind. I basically know that this is the man that I want to spend my life with. I say "basically" because I know he isn't perfect and he does have certain things that I would like him to work on, but otherwise, he is perfect for me. The thing is, even though we would sometimes allude to growing old together and having kids, it was always something that seemed in the distant future, and we would never talk about marriage directly. During dinner recently, my parents asked him what his "intentions" were with me, which is a first for them. You see, they never liked the idea of us living together without some agreement of marriage, but I was stubborn and they've learned to live with it. But now 3 years into our relationship and still no ring on my finger, they were beginning to wonder what the issue was. As my boyfriend told me later, he was not too thrilled with suddenly being pressured into marrying their daughter, and he became very annoyed with them, saying that our relationship was really none of their business and that he felt it was unfair to live by their timeline. He also said that doesn't have the money for a ring and the wedding, and balked at their idea of them loaning him money. Afterwards, when we got home, he initially told me that he was just not ready for such a huge commitment, and that feelings change over time and he wanted to be absolutely sure that I was the one for him before he took the leap. His parents had a very rocky marriage and ultimately got divorced, and that made him very hesitant in considering the prospect of marriage. He cited the high divorce rate, and said that he didn't want us to potentially be stuck in a marriage where we hated one another.
Naturally, I got upset by him telling me that he was unsure if I was THE ONE, but he later on corrected what he said, and told me that he, in fact, does want to marry me, but that he's just not ready right now. He gave me examples of why he wasn't ready, such as the fact that he's applying to various grad schools and doesn't know where he'll end up, and he doesn't exactly have his financial situation in order. Whatever money he is making is going towards saving up for school tuition and bills. While I understand his point of view, I asked him, well, if he knew that I was the one he wanted to marry, then why not just have one less thing uncertain in your life and at least propose? We could have an extended engagement and at least then I would know that he truly saw me in his future. But all he gave me was the unsatisifying answer of, "I'm not ready." We've been together for 3 years, how long is too long to wait? If he is waiting for his finances to be the way he wants, that could potentially add another several years. I will be in my 30s by then and still waiting for a ring. I'm not sure what to do at this point, because my parents are convinced that the longer we stay in this current situation (us sharing an apartment together, with him basically getting the benefits of a wife without actually being married), the less inclined he will be to marry me. They are pushing me to live separately from him, and ideally for them, they hope that I will find someone else, someone that doesn't need to be talked into marriage. I am also starting to see it from that way, but I really do love him and want to be with him. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Dear Veronica,
I've been reading all your posts and I just want to start off by saying thank you for all the great advice you have given. To the rest of the ladies I want to say thank you for sharing your stories with us.
Ok so here is my situation.
I dated a guy for 3mo about 3mo ago. When I started dating him it had been 5mo since he had broken up with his ex g/f whom he was engaged to and had dated for 4yrs. He says he proposed b/c he felt pressured and b/c she had a kid (from another relationship) who had become very attached to (he didn't have a dad growing up and he liked the idea of being this child's dad). She wanted to get married but he kept telling her he wasn't ready. He says near the end he felt pressured and just did it but the engagement only lasted 5mo and he broke it off b/c he knew it wasn't what he wanted. He said he never felt sure about wanting to spend the rest of his life with her.
Because of what happened with his ex he wanted to make sure he chose the right girl next time. He said I don't want anything serious right away I want to take things slow. I wanted a serious relationship so I wasn't sure at first but he asked me to at least take the time to get to know him and I did.
Well after 1mo and 1/2 this guy went from not wanting anything serious to telling me he loved me and he wanted to marry me. He said he felt so sure b/c he had been with his ex for 4yrs and never felt he wanted to marry her and thought it was something that men just had to do. However, he said with me he realized what it really feels like to want to share your life with someone. His family and friends were also shocked about how different he was with me talking about marriage and all and not being scared of it. He would talk to all his friends about how great I was and all the qualities he liked about me.Everyone said they had never seen him so happy. He even started suggesting financial things we should do to make sure we could afford a house etc.
However, 3 mo after it all started it came crashing down. He told me he needed to talk to me. He admitted that his ex's kid had been calling him. He promised me he never picked up the phone b/c he said he didn't think that would be fair to me. However, he said it made him feel guilty to ignore the child b/c he told him he would always be there for him. He told me on fathers day the child made him a card and sent it to him. He said he didn't even call the child to say thank you, because again he felt it wouldn't be fair to me. What really made him feel bad was when he saw the kid at a soccer game and he came running up to him saying "daddy I miss you" (mind you he is not his biological father but he dated her for 4 yrs). This last time he saw his ex along with the kid. He told me he just started to feel guilty. He said he felt like those man that divorce their wife and kid and then quickly move to another woman. He said he loved me very much but he felt confused and didn't think it was fair to bring me down with him. This was very hard for me specially b/c he was crying and telling me he loved me and didn't want to hurt me while breaking up with me. He told me it wasn't that he wanted his ex back. He said after being with me he realized what a relationship should feel like and he could never go back with her. However, he said he needed time to figure things out. That seeing her made him realize that things don't always work out and it scared him. He said he felt he was falling and didn't want to bring me down with him.
So I gave him space. But within a week he was txting me. Since then we have kept txting back and forth so I know what is going on in his life and he knows what is going on in mine (but its only txt msgs we hadn't seen each other or talked on the phone). He went on a vacation to 2wks to try to clear his mind and when he came back he contacted me and told me he wanted to see me. I told him to wait b/c I was going to go to his city for a school thing and stay there for 2wks so I might as well see him during that time. During that waiting time I asked him "so what are u thinking now about us?" he told me "I care about you and I think your an awesome girl but I just can't give you what you want right now" ...."I can't give you or anyone a loving relationship right now. I'm just not ready".....I asked him what is keeping you from wanting that he said "I'm just confused I've lost my faith in love".
So when I was in his city for 2wks I didn't contact him I waited for him to contact me and he did. We went out a couple of times and it was great. Just like old times we got along so great. He told me about his travels and mentioned that it would be better if he doesn't go alone nxt time. He kind of hinted at me going with him if he travels again. My b-day is coming up in 2wks and he suggested we take a road trip for a weekend. However, he did make it clear that the trip wasn't a romantic getaway but a friend thing.
He hasn't dated anyone else, nor has he made any effort to go for his ex. He has told me many times that after dating me he knows what love should feel like and wouldn't go back with her.
I know you are going to tell me that even though he may have felt strongly about me in the past he doesn't anymore and I should move on. I agree thats true. But isn't it normal to have some feelings for your ex and the kid he knew for 4 yrs when he saw them? I think he shouldn't feel so guilty about having some feelings its not like he is cheating on me by doing that.
Also, there were some other issues that he mentioned as we were breaking up. One, he didn't like his job, but he recently got a new much better job. Two, my parents are kind of strict and although I'm 24 they still like to dictate what time I have to be home at and don't like me leaving for weekends. I had to lie to them a lot. He told me this made him fee like a child (he is 29) sneaking around. However, soon I'm gona be getting my own place (not for him, this was planned from before) and so that will change too. Also, I think he needs to realize that we were rushing and that maybe it was abnormal for us to be talking marriage after 1 and 1/2 mo. We can start again and just take it slower. Right now I feel he thinks if he starts dating me again we have to pick up were we left off. Talking about marriage etc and it doesn't have to be like that.
Right now I feel I have 2 options. One, keep being his friend go on this road trip with him (2wks from now). Bring up the issue of what could be different if we started dating again and see what happens. Two, nxt time he msgs me tell him "I love you to much to just be your friend. Call me when you are ready for more than friendship". My only prob with option 2 is i know he will interpret it as "call me when you are ready to marry me".
Can you please help me? I think I know what you will say but I need to hear it from you.
Thank you
I like your site Veronica.
Women have to learn not to give marital benefits before they are married. This gives the man no reason to marry you. If you're giving him sex and having his kids, he will more than likely not marry you. Men have two types of women in mind - the ones they respect and can take home to momma and the ones they just want to sleep with and shack up with. They won't be taking you home to momma and men do love their mothers and care what they think.
I'm 30 years old and still a virgin. That is one trap that I refused to fall into. I have had friends and family members who have given men what they wanted and ended up unhappy, heartbroken, and single in the end. This was mostly due to the fact that they completely ignored what the man was truly trying to tell them. If the man says he's not ready to marry you, break up with him. If it's meant to be, he'll come back around without hesitation and marry you.
So women, if you want to know if a man really loves you for you, MAKE HIM WAIT ON GETTING SEX. If he loves you and really wants to marry you, he will wait on you. Try it. You'll be surprised how things work out. You may not be able to control many things in your life but the one thing you can control is what you do with your body. Stop creating soul ties with these men who may no longer want you after you have given them sex. Tell him you don't believe in premarital sex and see if he leaves smoke behind getting the heck out of your presence.
Okay... after ending up in the exact same situation with three guys in a row who "are not ready yet" (including the one I am with now who is really depressing me and the reason why I disparately googled this topic to get here)... I have to finally come to grips with reality. I am the common denominator in my last three relationships. Meaning, maybe it is just me and not that I have bad luck with men. I am 30, smart, attractive... My last three boyfriends have said, "you are amazing, wonderful, bla bla bla BUT..." That darned BUT! Reading some of these posts from women in similar situations I have realized a lot of us have something in common. We come across as needy and desperate to get married. It's like our actions in the relationship cry out "please marry me! pick me!" To men that is ultimately unattractive and what scares them away. We are sweet, nice, loving, nurturing, self-sacrificing... doing whatever we can to be the perfect girlfriend. Of course a guy wants us around!! Heck he would have us over every night because we try so hard to please them. Maybe even live with us a few years. Why not? We do the laundry, cook, and put out! BUT in the end when the time comes to make the BIG decision, we are not exciting enough, challenging enough, and they are BORED and start to think maybe there is someone out there that can really make them feel excited. I am convinced this is the issue. While, we are the ones they feel comfortable with, we are not the kind of woman they want to spend a lifetime with.
The problem for me now is... can I fix the relationship I am in? Can I suddenly change and be unavailable, more independent, busier, challenging, etc.? Interestingly enough... when I actually get the guts to sometimes "flip the switch" and be more aloof... all of a sudden he pays more attention to me. Interesting, no? I hate to believe this is the truth but it is... and it isn't about playing games. It's about paying more attention to yourself instead of your partner and "looking out for number one" ... then, naturally, you will be more unavailable, have your own things to do, be too busy to come right over and cook dinner.
I love my boyfriend, I love him more than I have ever loved anybody... He is younger than me (27) and judging him just his age and the fact that I am his first major relationship one can say he is definitely not ready to get married. But it isn't about that. When you are ready your are ready and it has nothing to do with age. Most of my friends are already married and they all got married to men under the age of 30. My boyfriend has an amazing job, he isn't into partying with the guys, he's almost angelic to be quite honest... If any guy were to get married at 27 I would say he seems like the ultimate candidate. But I'm afraid that I have scared him. I have acted like a desperate 31 year old hoping to get married really soon. He has said to me before that he's going to marry me... that he "just knows" it. However, whenever I bring up the subject of marriage he gets a little uncomfortable (he's never rude, insensitive or mean about it). He sweetly explains to me that he just needs some more time. He wants to be able to buy a house for us, etc. However, my fears of wasting time and ending up where my last relationships have left me screws with my head and gets the best of me... and I can't help but bring up the topic of marriage. I keep trying to coach myself and say to myself "helloooo... it's not going to work if you corner him all the time. Plus, why would you want to pressure someone to marry you???" Seriously, I wish someone would just hypnotize me into not caring about getting married and I bet you I would get proposed to within a year. lol!!
There is one interesting factor I would like to add to this topic as well... I surveyed all my friends who are married and 10 out of 12 of my good friends had to put there foot down with their boyfriend and basically gave their boyfriends an ultimatum. I have not done that yet and frankly it sounds like a horrible way to lead into a proposal. I've always wanted a guy to just want to propose on his own. But maybe these days that doesn't happen as often??? So my plan is to stop hinting about marriage, start focusing more on myself and creating my own happiness that has nothing to do with getting married or not getting married... and have a time limit of how long I am willing to wait for my boyfriend and if he hasn't proposed by then I am going to have to move on. Would love to get some feedback!!!
I have another case like this. Everytime I press the " marriage button". He say he is not ready! and shouting " DON'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING HARD". Will he ever be ready????
I’m a 32 year old lady. I wasted 12 years on a deadbeat boyfriend. For the initial 7 years we are living in overseas ( in UK) and cohabited for 7 years. At that time we were students. Now we are living in different country. He visited me 3-4 times a year for the past 5 years.
This man will turn 37 soon, but has the maturity of an early twenty man. I was a fool who fell for a total jerk-off. He lives in flat with his mum and his mum’s partner. Therefore he has no rent to pay, no car and doesn’t has his own flat. He never takes a day of professional job once he graduated from university. After finished his undergraduate study, he pursued to his graduated study. He said the reason he pursue further studies was because he was afraid to come out working. He spent another 5 years in the university and failed to get a graduate degree. He wasted 5 years for northing. In my mind, I don’t see getting a phd is crucial. Plenty of people on the street still get a good earning and comfortable life with a basic degree. Being a understanding lady,I gave him plenty of time ( another 4 -5 years) and space to reset his career path.
As he staying with his mum, he whined a lot and hates the environment completely. He said he don’t have space and feel trapped in the flat. Because there is always someone in the flat and don’t have enough privacy to do his online business planning. Honestly say, I don’t think it is right to shift the blame to his mum. His mum is the at the semi-retired age ( 60 years old). At this age she is probably feel she is too tired to go out. He is the person who should responsible to get the life he wants.
When we would go out, which was rare, I always paid for my share. I feel very guilty to spend his money. For every visiting period, I will try my best to serve him very well. He doesn’t have money, therefore I make home cook food to cut down the expenses of eating out. I offered him good sex, keep myself fit to look well. I am trying my best to be a successful businesswomen, a good wife to be, an excellent chef, a sluttish lady in the bedroom. For all the efforts I put into this relationship, I received northing. No promised future and, not even a ring. This sink me into the deepest depression that I can ever imagine. The suicidal thoughts always come into my mind. The pictures of turning on the carbon monoxide in the car and sink my car into river bank always surface. My business life is so hectic and busy, it distracts me a lot. It numbs the sadness in my heart. On the outside I am still a bubbly lady. Even my parent living in the same household doesn’t know I am slowly sinking into the depression.
Like other jobless man, he talks about what he’s gonna do with his life, but always ends up in no result showing. He refuses to look up for job, because no one will hire a 37 years old man without any working experiences. He also has very bad temperament. Often he would disappear for 10 days plus , and ignore all my calls in that period. So I would decide to get rid myself of him and ignore his calls. This would cause him to flip out. He left nasty email messages . WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR MOBILE?
Due to unhappiness at his mum home, he asked me to move out from my parent home , find a new place and move in with him. He said he can pay his own foods and I paid the rest of the bill! I told him without his income stability I wont’ move a finger! This is an iron rule. He came back make this comment.
“i want to say more about moving out but because i know you and your artificial rules would meant its better not to discuss it further. but i will remember that you are in the position to help but you choose not to. so you better pray that you never ever need my help in the future cos i won't be rendering you any!”
He proposed to move out 2 years ago, luckily I never did it. Two years after he still remain jobless stay with mum.
I am angry at myself for staying with him for so long. It was difficult. He was really good in bed and had a few other good qualities. I have higher standards and expectations involving the company I keep. I am a great person, and I refuse to settle for anything less.
Should I leave this behind my back?
Jason says:
2 years ago
My friend Matt and I constantly argue about this. Oh we both agree totaly with you Veronica. But we argue because I feel sorry for girls that are that lonely that they hang on believing, and he is just disgusted by any girls that are that stupid that they can't read between the lines. I think it's sad, he thinks they are just pathetic and will make fun of them. So we argue.