Women Advising Women

Though the De Greeks are usually the recipients of unstinted and expensive private educations, our thirst for knowledge remains unabated and in some circles it is, indeed, legendary.

Material things are as naught to us, we scoff at wealth, we do not seek prosperity and knowledge is everything in our universe.

Our position has always been to consider the lilies how they grow: they toil not, they spin not; and yet Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Consider the ravens: for they neither sow nor reap; which neither have storehouse nor barn; and God feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls, we De Greeks ask ourselves?

Speaking of fowls, Brother Sabu Singh has covered the subject quite extensively and I shall refer to his superior knowledge in due course.

Now in the spirit of this thirst for knowledge, I often visit sites where women are generously offering advice to other women, usually about men. Being an ignorant peasant from Cyprus, I often ask in these fora (not forums as erroneously referred to by those without a basic knowledge of Latin grammar) what I think are relevant questions, but unless I begin my questions with ebullient compliments about the wisdom and intelligence of the authors concerned, I am ignored. My feelings are hurt, as I imagine the tossing of the head that precedes the refusal of the authors to cast their pearls of wisdom in the direction of male swine. Again, this is another biblical reference which is due to a higher education funded by honest toil.

So I have decided to plagiarize. I shall put before you questions and answers I have found on the Internet in the hope that all of us might benefit, for the good of human relations and humanity in general.

One such specialist published a letter from Gladys, an advice seeking admirer with statements and questions which cannot fail but create scientific interest in those studying the female mind:

Gladys says that she has lived with her partner George for 6.5 glorious, loving, wonderful years during which Gladys has had no interest in marriage. Or so she says and here we may choose to believe her or not, depending on our generosity of spirit at the time the question is raised. Though not the marrying kind, three months into their relationship our Gladys decided that he is “The One” but cruised along for all the years without taking up the matter with George.

However, recently realisation has sunk in that all their friends have actually gotten married and some are even contemplating solid investments for the education of their future grandchildren.

As soon as she broached the subject with George, however, for some strange reason, George suddenly began to be unsure about the wisdom of such a drastic commitment after only six-point-five-years of imitation conjugal bliss with Gladys. He is not sure. He is confused. What is love in the greater scheme of things, the philosopher in George now asks.

Here, reading the text, one gets the impression that it is at this point that steel has crept into the voice of our Gladys when she addresses George. The independent observer now feels for George. One sees a George who has run out of excuses and apparently a George who tries to come clean by finally telling Gladys clearly (“and honestly”) - the brackets are Gladys’s not mine - that George has began to have doubts as to whether he is in love.

Though to every single man reading this the situation is crystal clear, Gladys disappointingly does not appear to get the point, to grasp the situation and, with a great deal of computer ink and tears, applies to our expert for advice on what to do.

Regrettably for Gladys, the expert also fails to comprehend the clarity of the situation as perceived by all of us here and requires 1284 words to respond. That’s how many words our expert uses in reply, yet when I make a comment on her site she does not deign to honour me (the “u” is deliberate, for the benefit of colonials) with even two words, even if the first one might've begun with an “F”. For Gladys, though, our expert feels that the sky is the limit and after 1284 words the gist of the advice is, and this is a verbatim quotation:

“You need to seduce this man!”

I like Gladys. Her perseverance is admirable, though misplaced, so I shall try to illustrate the situation for her in the hope that she will comprehend it as quickly as possible and move on before her friends begin to invite her to the baptisms of their grandchildren, introducing her to newcomers as their "spinster friend".

For this purpose I shall call upon the superior knowledge of Brother Sabu Singh and his world renowned treatise under the all encompassing title “What I Have Learnt From Birds”.

I call upon Gladys to pay particular attention to the following paragraph and I hope that Brother Sabu Singh shall not begrudge me the quotation:

The fidelity of the Sarus Crane is legendary. In fact, the Mughal Emperor Jahangir writes of the Sarus' lifelong bond in his opus Jahangirnama. On the other hand, the promiscuity of the Sage Grouse, some Sandpipers and Hummingbirds is well known. The Baya Weaver and its intricate nest tell a fascinating story. The male builds a nest after which a number of females inspect it. One of them finally approves and occupies the nest, and copulation occurs. Subsequently the male builds another nest and repeats the exercise with another lot of females

The bold lettering of the last sentence is mine, my dear Gladys. We Sarus Crane types look on the Sage Grouse and the Baya Weavers of this world with a raised eyebrow and a feeling of superiority which can only be considered justifiable by a person of solid Christian morals.

We frown on female Baya Weavers who wish to inspect our worldly goods before opening their wings to us. Our pride will not allow us to be enticed by their attractions, no matter how alluring (though in truth we might occasionally make an exception in some particularly promising instances).

However, not all men are as we, Gladys. I am afraid that your George may have started out as a Sarus Crane and might have remained so for, as you so aptly put it, 6.5 years, but that was under completely different circumstances, meaning they were 6.5 wonderful years during which you did not insist on this strange proclivity you have recently become enslaved by, to wit, this mania to be taken down the aisle. In fact your behaviour to date was more designed to ensure your being taken up the creek.

So I am afraid, Gladys, that the time has come for you to take a leaf out of the female Baya Weaver’s book and start inspecting other potential nests, before it is too late.

And Gladys, before you go, please listen to the voice of mature male wisdom. When a female expert on relationships tells you to “talk to your man” don’t believe her and do not listen to her. She is speaking from the position of the woman and she is, in short, speaking through her hat.

We men do not want to listen, Gladys. Not in the sense that your female "experts" would have you believe. We like to discuss literature and daily events, but when you begin speaking of fashion, celebrities and your girlfriends, you lose us, Gladys, you poor fish.

Finally Gladys, when a woman speaks of falling in love with the spirituality of a man, we know that in this case spirituality is a euphemism in the female mind. We know that the spirituality of the male, as assessed by the female of the species, is directly related to the number of multiple orgasms the male is able to provide the female over the long term and the consistency is a crucial factor in the equation.

We note, Gladys, that it took you a test run of three months to decide that poor George is “The One”. During this time you were assessing poor George’s "spirituality" and it seems that our George has come up trumps. Good for George, the new Baya Weaver of the brotherhood of man.

Dimitris Mita

De Greek

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