A Confession

Before I write this hub, of which the circumstances I am not proud of, I would like all of you who have been in a similar situation to remember how heartbreaking a situation of this nature is to all concerned. 

One of Life's, Deepest Regrets.

Whilst Glenn was recovering from his accident, I found myself doing more and more of the work involving the horses and in particular the stallions. Blue had, and always will be my baby. I trusted him, adored him and loved him and still to this day worship the hooves he stands on.

The spring months where very busy delivering foals and watching and breeding visiting mares. A job I looked forward too, although very hard work was so satisfying. Blue being of appaloosa breeding threw such a variety of coat patterns to an even greater variety of mares. Each foaling was filled with anticipation. How many spots could we count, what coat pattern would the foal have and is it a colt or a filly? Maybe if we are to be lucky, Blue may sire a champion, and he did, so many times. 

One very bright summer evening I was in the mare and foal box, having delivered a chestnut mare of a beautiful blanket spot colt. I heard the vehicle pull into the yard and looked over the door of the loose box. It was only Gerry. I had known Gerry for some time, he often visited Glenn  as they shared a love of cars and motor bikes. Blue had been injured covering a mare and I was hoping to borrow a jeep and trailer to travel to Galway to the chiropractor. 

I went into the house to bring Glenn up to date with the new arrival and make tea and serve with home baked scones. Both Glenn and Gerry where happy to hear my news, and Gerry went out to the stable to view the new Bluestar baby. Gerry also stood a stallion at stood and I was waiting for him to bring his throughbred mare to breed to Blue, as soon as I had the room to take her. The conversation eventually turned to Blue and Gerry offered to take him to the chiropractor for me. I hoped that Glenn would accompany Gerry now that he was getting more used to his wheelchair. But, Glenn insisted that I  would be the best person to go. Now this did not particularly please me. Gerry was extremely charming and good looking but for me the problem lay in that he was a Garda. A sergeant in the police force. Now I wasn't hiding guilty secrets or been a bad girl, I just felt uncomfortable with men in uniform.

I would not allow anyone to take Blue off the yard without my self or Glenn accompanying him, so I had no choice but to go myself. It was a cloudy cold day, and I wasn't looking forward to spending seven hours in the company of Gerry. But surprisingly we got along like a house on fire.

His conversation was very entertaining, and he was very attentive and charming, and before I knew it, I felt very relaxed in his company. We arrived in Galway early evening. Mr Bloodworth, the chiropractor, examined Blue and advised that he would need to stay for a few days for the treatment to be affective. So it was decided to travel home and collect him again at the weekend.

Travelling home we had to pass through Athlone, and Gerry suggested we got a bite to eat as we hadn't eaten since breakfast time. The little Chinese restaurant was in the middle of the town. Very traditional inside and the waiting staff where so friendly. Gerry and I chatted and got to know each other a little better. I already knew he was married and had met his wife and his children several times. But I was not aware that he had recently separated.

I knew I was enjoying his company and it was obvious that he was enjoying mine. The journey home passed uneventfully. And as Gerry left me at the entrance to my home I ran to the stables to check the horses not realising he was behind me. I could feel the electricity between us and responded easily to his kiss. There is where I should of left it, but stupidly I didn't.

Glenn was due to return to England for treatment at the spinal injuries unit the following day and Gerry offered to collect Blue from Galway on the Saturday. He collected me early morning as he was working on the check point between Ballyshannon and Belleek over night. Still reeling from the kiss, I could feel the tension between us, but both of us ignored it. I was still married even if Gerry was separated. I loved my husband but had been having such a hard time adjusting to his disability. We had always had a fantastic sex life and I was missing the affection from that too. Yes affection, not so much the sexual act itself, there where other ways around that. Nothing eventful happened on the journey there or back and I was happy to have a much healthier Blue boys back in his stable and at home where he belonged.

As I still had mares in foal to look after I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa, it was easy that way not to disturb the family going up and down the creaky stairs. I was aware of daylight breaking and had just settled back under the quilt, having checked the stabled mares. I was aware of the back door opening, and I turned to look past the door to see Gerry standing in the doorway. I knew instantly what was about to happen. I remember saying "I find men in the police uniform imposing", "One way about that", I can still hear him say as he undressed and slid under the quilt next to me. I can still remember the excitement, can easily relive it even now. The slight smell of sweat mingled with his aftershave, and the strength in the muscles in his arms as he lifted me to the position he wanted the most.

As much as I knew this was wrong I could not stop myself. In fact I became besotted with him. I had to have him and couldn't keep my hands off him. I knew this was wrong and I confided in  my dad. "Look lass" he said, "You take what little happiness you can, because no one deserves it more than you." having lived with us for 12 years, my dad knew what I had to put up with and the stress as a family we where all under.  But, his words where such a shock to me and I knew what I was doing was wrong.

Glenn remained in England for six months in which time Gerry and I were inseparable. We spent every moment we could together. My family passed no remarks, but Gerry's wife had been to visit several times, crying on my shoulder and asking if I knew if Gerry was seeing someone. She explained how much she loved him and wanted him back, and I felt threatened. Yes, I felt so threatened and betrayed, but I was the guilty party here, having mind blowing sex with her husband. I was the other woman who had not taken Gerry away, but was keeping him away.

Six glorious months of dirty weekends away, many nights spent in his flat and in the summer time, in the fields surrounding the houses. This was exciting, glorious and frightening. I didn't stop to think who would get hurt, certainly not me. I had my number 10 now. Loved horses, strong as an ox, moustache, which I had always had a soft spot for and I loved him.

One frightful day Gerry took a heart attack. His best friend, also called Gerry, telephoned me to say he had been taken to hospital in Sligo. I remember the feeling of panic, I must go to him. But before I had chance to say anything at all, Gerry said "Annette, you must stay away from him, Jackie (his wife) is with him. They have been trying to make a go of it again." I knew this couldn't be. Although we did not live together I spent time with him every day. I will never forget the pain of what Gerry had told me. The devastation and feeling that my world had just collapsed. The tears ran down my face and I chocked with self pity. I was behaving like the jilted wife!

I did stay away from the hospital, and I didn't see Gerry again although I knew where he was and what he was doing. I went off my food, and for the first time in my life experienced the feeling of a broken heart. A feeling which I had no wright to feel. I was the guilty one, who had had no compassion for Jackie. Now I was getting a taste of my own medicine.

I was so unhappy that I could no longer stay in Donegal and sold the stud farm to move to Northern Ireland. The pain was to great to risk seeing Gerry. I had even contemplated suicide. Had it not been for my son and father, I still believe I would have taken my own life.

I told Glenn the truth some time after his return from England. To my surprise he all ready knew. Gerry had asked his permission a long long time ago. I was a pawn in a game of two men. Gerry got what he wanted, and left me totally wiped out. 

I saw Jackie a few years ago. They are back together running a very successful business and all I got was heart ache, and a slapped face! And, a very hard lesson to learn, of which I am not proud off.