A Confession

For All The Wrong Reasons

Before I write this hub, of which the circumstances I am not proud of, I would like all of you who have been in a similar situation to remember how heartbreaking a situation of this nature is to all concerned. 

One of Life's, Deepest Regrets.

Whilst Glenn was recovering from his accident, I found myself doing more and more of the work involving the horses and in particular the stallions. Blue had, and always will be my baby. I trusted him, adored him and loved him and still to this day worship the hooves he stands on.

The spring months where very busy delivering foals and watching and breeding visiting mares. A job I looked forward too, although very hard work was so satisfying. Blue being of appaloosa breeding threw such a variety of coat patterns to an even greater variety of mares. Each foaling was filled with anticipation. How many spots could we count, what coat pattern would the foal have and is it a colt or a filly? Maybe if we are to be lucky, Blue may sire a champion, and he did, so many times. 

One very bright summer evening I was in the mare and foal box, having delivered a chestnut mare of a beautiful blanket spot colt. I heard the vehicle pull into the yard and looked over the door of the loose box. It was only Gerry. I had known Gerry for some time, he often visited Glenn  as they shared a love of cars and motor bikes. Blue had been injured covering a mare and I was hoping to borrow a jeep and trailer to travel to Galway to the chiropractor. 

I went into the house to bring Glenn up to date with the new arrival and make tea and serve with home baked scones. Both Glenn and Gerry where happy to hear my news, and Gerry went out to the stable to view the new Bluestar baby. Gerry also stood a stallion at stood and I was waiting for him to bring his throughbred mare to breed to Blue, as soon as I had the room to take her. The conversation eventually turned to Blue and Gerry offered to take him to the chiropractor for me. I hoped that Glenn would accompany Gerry now that he was getting more used to his wheelchair. But, Glenn insisted that I  would be the best person to go. Now this did not particularly please me. Gerry was extremely charming and good looking but for me the problem lay in that he was a Garda. A sergeant in the police force. Now I wasn't hiding guilty secrets or been a bad girl, I just felt uncomfortable with men in uniform.

I would not allow anyone to take Blue off the yard without my self or Glenn accompanying him, so I had no choice but to go myself. It was a cloudy cold day, and I wasn't looking forward to spending seven hours in the company of Gerry. But surprisingly we got along like a house on fire.

His conversation was very entertaining, and he was very attentive and charming, and before I knew it, I felt very relaxed in his company. We arrived in Galway early evening. Mr Bloodworth, the chiropractor, examined Blue and advised that he would need to stay for a few days for the treatment to be affective. So it was decided to travel home and collect him again at the weekend.

Travelling home we had to pass through Athlone, and Gerry suggested we got a bite to eat as we hadn't eaten since breakfast time. The little Chinese restaurant was in the middle of the town. Very traditional inside and the waiting staff where so friendly. Gerry and I chatted and got to know each other a little better. I already knew he was married and had met his wife and his children several times. But I was not aware that he had recently separated.

I knew I was enjoying his company and it was obvious that he was enjoying mine. The journey home passed uneventfully. And as Gerry left me at the entrance to my home I ran to the stables to check the horses not realising he was behind me. I could feel the electricity between us and responded easily to his kiss. There is where I should of left it, but stupidly I didn't.

Glenn was due to return to England for treatment at the spinal injuries unit the following day and Gerry offered to collect Blue from Galway on the Saturday. He collected me early morning as he was working on the check point between Ballyshannon and Belleek over night. Still reeling from the kiss, I could feel the tension between us, but both of us ignored it. I was still married even if Gerry was separated. I loved my husband but had been having such a hard time adjusting to his disability. We had always had a fantastic sex life and I was missing the affection from that too. Yes affection, not so much the sexual act itself, there where other ways around that. Nothing eventful happened on the journey there or back and I was happy to have a much healthier Blue boys back in his stable and at home where he belonged.

As I still had mares in foal to look after I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa, it was easy that way not to disturb the family going up and down the creaky stairs. I was aware of daylight breaking and had just settled back under the quilt, having checked the stabled mares. I was aware of the back door opening, and I turned to look past the door to see Gerry standing in the doorway. I knew instantly what was about to happen. I remember saying "I find men in the police uniform imposing", "One way about that", I can still hear him say as he undressed and slid under the quilt next to me. I can still remember the excitement, can easily relive it even now. The slight smell of sweat mingled with his aftershave, and the strength in the muscles in his arms as he lifted me to the position he wanted the most.

As much as I knew this was wrong I could not stop myself. In fact I became besotted with him. I had to have him and couldn't keep my hands off him. I knew this was wrong and I confided in  my dad. "Look lass" he said, "You take what little happiness you can, because no one deserves it more than you." having lived with us for 12 years, my dad knew what I had to put up with and the stress as a family we where all under.  But, his words where such a shock to me and I knew what I was doing was wrong.

Glenn remained in England for six months in which time Gerry and I were inseparable. We spent every moment we could together. My family passed no remarks, but Gerry's wife had been to visit several times, crying on my shoulder and asking if I knew if Gerry was seeing someone. She explained how much she loved him and wanted him back, and I felt threatened. Yes, I felt so threatened and betrayed, but I was the guilty party here, having mind blowing sex with her husband. I was the other woman who had not taken Gerry away, but was keeping him away.

Six glorious months of dirty weekends away, many nights spent in his flat and in the summer time, in the fields surrounding the houses. This was exciting, glorious and frightening. I didn't stop to think who would get hurt, certainly not me. I had my number 10 now. Loved horses, strong as an ox, moustache, which I had always had a soft spot for and I loved him.

One frightful day Gerry took a heart attack. His best friend, also called Gerry, telephoned me to say he had been taken to hospital in Sligo. I remember the feeling of panic, I must go to him. But before I had chance to say anything at all, Gerry said "Annette, you must stay away from him, Jackie (his wife) is with him. They have been trying to make a go of it again." I knew this couldn't be. Although we did not live together I spent time with him every day. I will never forget the pain of what Gerry had told me. The devastation and feeling that my world had just collapsed. The tears ran down my face and I chocked with self pity. I was behaving like the jilted wife!

I did stay away from the hospital, and I didn't see Gerry again although I knew where he was and what he was doing. I went off my food, and for the first time in my life experienced the feeling of a broken heart. A feeling which I had no wright to feel. I was the guilty one, who had had no compassion for Jackie. Now I was getting a taste of my own medicine.

I was so unhappy that I could no longer stay in Donegal and sold the stud farm to move to Northern Ireland. The pain was to great to risk seeing Gerry. I had even contemplated suicide. Had it not been for my son and father, I still believe I would have taken my own life.

I told Glenn the truth some time after his return from England. To my surprise he all ready knew. Gerry had asked his permission a long long time ago. I was a pawn in a game of two men. Gerry got what he wanted, and left me totally wiped out. 

I saw Jackie a few years ago. They are back together running a very successful business and all I got was heart ache, and a slapped face! And, a very hard lesson to learn, of which I am not proud off.

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Comments 53 comments

Happyboomernurse profile image

Happyboomernurse 5 years ago from South Carolina

Amazing hub. Raw honesty, passion, romantic love and betrayal. No hiding behind excuses or even regrets. I greatly admire the depth of feeling and the wisdom in hindsight that you expressed in this hub.

Excellent, authentic writing straight from the heart.

Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 5 years ago from Jamaica

I know exactly what you went through, the feelings of confusion and devastation. I have been there. You loved and that is nothing to feel guilty about and as it turned out your husband was also a culprit in the whole thing. You were the one who got hurt, Gerry should be ashamed of himself.

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Netts: We now need someone else to confess... Hey Will....

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Netts: SEE!!!!! How can we not love you????? Heck and I am even grouchy today well beyond that but hey I still can give you a hug and say everything is okay now!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

marcoujar Thank you for your support. It has amazed me that so many people have chosen to understand how this happened instead of hating me for it. This does not make what I did any better, but it has helped me to let go of that time in my life and put it into the recess of my mind.

marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 5 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Sweet bluestar~~ I do try desperately to curb my "inner therapist" but you are the only one owning a role in this confession and it clearly takes two to tango...

I have yet to (nor am I interested to) meet the perfect person~~ how boring would life be... and you did not even have to share this with us...

I am so very grateful that you did, however, because everyone loves you and everyone has a little "somethin somethin" that they or a loved one has done (or they are living in the land of DE NILE...) and I think this shows that we are all rather cool despite our foibles...

Voted UP, AWESOME & BEAUTIFUL for your sharing and honesty... thank you.

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

GRRRR..... JACKIE??? MY ass... You do not know all of it then... Jackie was far from being faithful... DO NOT and I mean DO NOT feel bad for anyone... It happened and that's that period....

I love you Netts and I know what type of woman you are. You would never destroy another's family, ruin a marriage etc... That is not your nature. You are the last one anyone should blame..

I would tell you truthfully if I thought you were in the wrong, hell we are sister's.. the Irish one and the English one...

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Leelee I have sat and read through everyone's supportive comments this morning, and yes the time was a great factor in this part of my life. I have forgiven myself of the crime but I will never forget the hurt I caused Jackie, Gerry's beautiful wife. And yes she was beautiful. I thought at the time how could he leave such a gorgeous girl and his family, but the truth was that then I didn't care. I felt like I was the cat that got the cream. This lesson in life was heartbreaking for both of our families, but the worst smack in the teeth was that Glenn knew about it.

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Netts: Things happen for a reason. It happened and so what. You are not to be punished, blamed, judged or feel guilty. period. The world you knew, lived for, loved turned upside down in a blink of an eye. The life you dreamed of, created was gone. You then were left alone to pick up the broken pieces with abuse, cruelty and a ripped out heart. The man you loved became vindictive, spiteful and mean. What do you think others in your shoes would have done? Well me the ass would have been pushing up daisys, with Stars fertlizer and Jp's digging techniques. Anyways all joking aside. Netts your human, you have feelings, you have needs, you are so strong but we all break from time to time. I do not feel ashamed or guilty over some of the things I did. I learned from them and became a better person because of it. As my big sis I am proud of you for having the courage to write about this for the entire world to see. No one can say what they would have done unless they had walked in your shoes. It's now in the past, it happened and that's that. So smile doll face pour us a few drinks and lets go throw darts at the bullseye!!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hello little sis, thank you for supporting me again. I have had such a lot of love and understanding shown to me through this hub and it has made me feel so differently about the situation. I was wrong, there are no two ways around this but I have forgiven myself now with the help of all my hub pages friends. x

Mrs. J. B. profile image

Mrs. J. B. 5 years ago from Southern California

Netts: You are my big sis and I do not care what choices you made throughout life. Although why you never named Blue's baby after me is what really irritated me! You are not perfect, no one is, there is no shame in what happened.. It made you who you are. An inspiration, a mentor, a leader and someone I truly admire.Sharing this part of your life was bold yet do you realize how many read this and could relate? Staggering... SOOO If anyone casts judgement, hey lil' sisters come in handy!!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

CaravanHolidays, Hello and thank you for stopping by to read my hub. I have been so amazed at the forgiving nature of the hubbers on hub pages. With their help and support I have now forgiven myself, but will never forget the experience and the wrong doing that I caused.

CaravanHolidays profile image

CaravanHolidays 5 years ago from Wales UK

We all make mistakes, but the important thing is that we deal with them in some way and not pretend that they didn't happen, and once we've dealt with them - move on.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Donna, nice to meet you. Thank you for your supportive comment. I certainly learned my lesson. I don't know about innocent, so much as silly to have my head turned, but I am glad that both my ex and Gerry's family are happy once again. A road I will never go down again, I know.

Donna Suthard profile image

Donna Suthard 5 years ago

You were always innocent, Love happens for reasons no one understands..Your past is gone.. Most everyone has made mistakes...

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Wayne, thank you so much for your comment. You always manage to support me in such a way that it brings a lump to my throat. Because of all the help and support that hubber's have given me, I am in a position to move on and thankfully allow another grim time in my life to go away. I am looking forward to so many new challenges now, and one of the hardest is believing that this "old mother nature", deserves to live too. Bless you Wayne for being my knight in armour. x

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 5 years ago from Texas

There is probably nothing more difficult that a writer can tackle than one's own weaknesses...especially those that deal with things so private and emotional. There was a time in my life when I did not worry of spilling the milk then came a time when I worried that I would spill the milk. In each case, I worried about things that had not yet occurred. In later years, I learned to accept the fact that sooner or later the milk will be spilled and that our only concern is that we need to clean it up in a timely and reasonable fashion. Once that chore is done, it's time to forget about the milk for there is nothing to worry of that will accomplish anything. Such is this...you have cleaned up the spill. I think you are probably more damaged and hurt by it than anyone else yet you still want to make yourself pay the price a bit more. I think you have suffered with your guilt long enough and you have certainly learned your lesson. Be thankful that you are surrounded with loving family members who have the wisdom to see your needs and understand your actions. That's far more than most people get in life. Bless you, Annette for having the courage to tell this story and share your emotion. WB

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Rudra, thank you for stopping by. Although this was one of the hardest hubs I have ever written, it has also been the most liberating. Thanks to Website Examiner, whose review has put so much into perspective for me, I feel I can now leave this part of my life behind.

Rudra profile image

Rudra 5 years ago

Many women are in such positions.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Hattie, I have certainly learnt from this mistake. 1 never to assume to take another woman's man, no matter what and 2 not to be a sucker for another man's attention. lol

HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 5 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

All you can do is learn from your mistakes, and hopefully someday find happiness again! Thanks for sharing your story! :)

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Lorraine, thank you for stopping by. My affair completely finished my relationship with my husband. My hubs Note to Diary parts 1,2 and 3 give more insight to my relationship with my husband. Also the Hub Teal my love. At the end of the day both men where the winners, if that is the correct term. Glenn received a huge pay out from the forestry commission and re-married. He is very happy living the life of luxury by the beach with his new family. Gerry re-united with his wife and has now got a very successful business breading quarter horses and offering Bed and Breakfast accommodation at his ranch in Donegal.

I guess I got what I deserved in the end and have paid for my error.

Writing on hub Pages has made me realise that we all make mistakes, and we all have to move on with life's lessons.

Great chatting to you.

Lorraine Kashdan profile image

Lorraine Kashdan 5 years ago from Canterbury

At least you have the courage to admit you were in the wrong. Having been on the other end of adultery I think the most painful thing is when the offending partner can not admit they are in error. I find the agreement between the two men in your life somewhat confusing though because it appears you were used as a pawn in a game and your own feelings on the matter didn't seem to be a part of the decision between them. How did all this go on to affect your relationship?

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

toknowinfo, thank you kindly for your thoughts. It is only now that I am beginning to realise that Gerry did indeed take advantage of a dire situation. He had had an affair before me, but I didn't consider that when I was writing this hub. I have taken so much advise from all the fantastic hubbers who have posted their comments, and I now know it is time to focus on new horizons.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Website Examiner, your support throughout my time on hub pages has been fantastic. I am amazed by the comments I have received after writing this hub. So much love and forgiveness, people have been too kind. I had to dig deep for this hub and expected such bad comments. I am learning through my writing to forgive myself and move forward, and much of the way I feel is attributed to you.

toknowinfo profile image

toknowinfo 5 years ago

You were vulnerable and Gerry knew it. He is the one who cheated on 2 women, and yet he probably has little remorse. I admire you very much for telling this story, for your honesty and for your love of horses. I wish you good and happy things in your future. You are a strong and good woman. I hope you appreciate the wonderful person you are.

Website Examiner 5 years ago

Thebluestar, mistakes or not, we are "only human," and maybe certain things would almost violate human nature had we acted differently. This situation had its macabre elements, I can see that, but the situation was already grim and then it caught up with you. I could relate to your father's remark, and as far as I'm concerned you were guilty of nothing.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

glorgeousmom, thank you for such a supportive comment. It has been said that my writing is part of a release for me and that forgiving myself is the next stage. Although I never thought of my writing like that before, I guess this comment was correct. All the support from hub Pages that I have received has really helped me to move on. God bless.

glorgeousmom profile image

glorgeousmom 5 years ago from Philippines

I admire you for being honest and courageous. I believe in my heart that by making your confession you have set yourself free. And it is also heartwarming to know that you have healed emotionally by learning to forgive yourself. We all commit mistakes, we are human after all. Your honesty is what defines you.

Life is not about how many times you've fallen but how you rise after each fall. May God's peace reign in your heart. Stay blessed, be happy, keep your faith and trust in God because He loves you just the way you are.

Great hub.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

acaetenna, thank you for your lovely comment. As you say we all make mistakes and have skeletons in the cupboard, and it is very nice to know that many people are non-judgemental.

acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

You are very brave to write about your confession here on HubPages, but good for you. As the other comments have mentioned, we are all human and often make mistakes. Now you will go from strength to strength. It is when people do not tell and bottle things up then the challenges arise. Great hub, I am glad I found you.

Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

Thanks for such a wonderful compliment, bluestar. I'm honored that you find me to be a big hearted person, and even more honored that I remind you of one of the nicest ladies you know! I pray for wisdom daily - once in a while, God gives me some! ;-)

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Mo, forever there with such a big heart. I care for a lady who was once a nun, she left to care for her invalid mother, but she too is full of wisdom. One of the nicest ladies I know. You remind me so much of her. Thank you and bless you.

Motown2Chitown 5 years ago

bluestar, I can only say this - confessing the wrong of something we've done is the first step in letting go of the regret that we have about it. You can't go back and undo anything, but you can move from now. Let go of the regret and the guilt as best you can, and move forward in liberation. We all forgive in our own time, but forgiving yourself is the most important thing of all. We all fall prey to doing wrong things to meet legitimate needs. See through the fault to the need, and begin to meet the need in good and productive ways. And, allow yourself the luxury of being human, and of understanding that you will occasionally give in to temptation. It may not be right, but it's human. Learn from it - and continue on a path toward forgiving and loving yourself. All the best!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Thank you Janell for your support. Nice to meet you here.

Janell Rhiannon profile image

Janell Rhiannon 5 years ago from CA, USA

Yes...you are not the first or the last woman to be in that position.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hi Sharyn, thank you hunnie for taking the time to read my confession. That was over 14 years ago and it still makes me shudder at the hurt I must of caused Gerry's family. It is in the past now, forgiven myself but not forgotten. Bless you x

Sharyn's Slant profile image

Sharyn's Slant 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio USA


You are a great story teller with your writing being able to keep the attention of the reader. Very nicely done!


thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Dear Epi, thank you, such a tribute from the master of prose himself. I consider myself to be a very lucky girl and feel humble in your presence. How are you keeping?

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Susan, thank you so much for your comment, everyone who has been in touch has been so forgiving. I really expected to have to put the umbrella up to avoid the stone throwing with this one.

Alastar, welcome to my life, ups and downs but never dull. I thank you for following me and hope we can chat often.

epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....well I have a confession of my own to make - so glad that we met - you are a terrific narrative writer - and you would be right at home writing a daily column in a newspaper, magazine or online - you are engaging, always interesting and you speak the truth - and we listen and read on .....

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

No-Clue lets have tea indeed and share a few laughs together. thank you as ever for stopping by my friend. x

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

This was very fine of you to tell your story.Like everyone's said, were all only human and these things happen. It is also very wise to regard it as a learning experience, as perhaps after all, that and love is what were here for anyway. Best Wishes.

No_Clue profile image

No_Clue 5 years ago

awwww, star! I just wanna give you a big old hug! You are a woman I admire! We all have our confessions, our bad decisions, our mistakes of which we are not proud...Let's have tea and I will set your guilty conscience at ease! Know that you are not alone...but that does not make you less of a woman, it makes you more! Peace, my friend! xxx

Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I admire you for writing this hub. Like all have said before me we all make mistakes and learn from the mistakes.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

tumblintumbleweed, thank you for your support, life throws many things in our way, my mother used to say "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger". But she would have killed me for this lol

tumblintumblweed profile image

tumblintumblweed 5 years ago

Yes, we've all made mistakes, its true.I agree with Bobbi,it does make us human! Kudos to you for putting it out there! Blessings!

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Hey there Bobbi, thank you for your support my friend. I can always rely on you for an honest opinion. x

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

Don't be so hard on yourself, as Eiddwen says is so true. Mistakes make us human, some small ones, some bigger, but we all have made some. It takes courage to write a hub like this one. Great hub.

thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Eiddwen, thank you for your lovely supportive comment. I have never mentioned or wrote about this part of my life before. But it as you say, we all make mistakes and life is to be learned from. I am just so sad at the hurt it caused everyone at the time. Some people forgive, but for Gerry's wife, it still fills her with hatred. x

Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

You are not the first person to make a mistake and you will not be the last so don't be too hard on yourself.

We do learn from our mistakes and then we leave them where they belong and that is in the past.

I have read some of your hubs and I thoroughly enjoyed them.

I look forward to reading a lot more of your work now.

Take care



thebluestar profile image

thebluestar 5 years ago from Northern Ireland Author

Thank you Bill. Even reading a story of betrayal, caused by me, you still manage to say nice things. You have a big heart my friend.

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

You're not alone in making horrible mistakes. A lesson learned.

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