Beaver Valley Post Christmas Edition 2011

Mother Superior Sister Winifred Brickley, was forced to step down from her position at St. Catherine’s School for Young Ladies on December 25, then rehired that same evening. Brickley’s firing came about after rumors she had given birth to a baby by non-virginal means on Christmas Day in 1911. But authorities at the school were forced to reconsider their decision when four students and two other nuns also gave birth that day. All the infants were raised together at the school and later went on to form the rhythm and blues band, Snow Driven. Clues about the children’s paternity never came to light, nor were they officially asked about.

Secret Santas helping local families with bills

One or more “Secret Santas” are being credited for helping some local families pay off pressing bills this Christmas season.

The needy families have all received unexpected help in paying off pressing bills this season thanks to one or more “Secret Santas”. According to the families and their debtors the “Secret Santas” have paid out more than $800,000 on delinquent bills.

Brenda and Dave DeNastio say their benefactor has saved their family a great hardship.

“We can’t thank this person enough,” Dave says. “He or she paid off the winter storage bill on our lake yacht. Now we have the money to take that second honeymoon to Belize and still enough left over to make a down payment on a second Porsche. God bless this merciful and charitable soul!”

Santa banned from local public schools

School board superintendent, Jane Wright, has officially banned Santa Claus from visiting local schools.

According to Wright the yearly tradition of scheduling a Santa to visit the elementary schools has become too risky for students. Some parents, however, argue that Wright only hates Santa or else is trying to sexualize him.

“No one here hates Santa,” Wright contends. “But allowing children to sit on Santa’s lap has its potential dangers. While we do everything in our power to check out the background of anyone asked to visit the schools we stay fairly busy with educational stuff, and you never know when some deviant might lie on a resume. The possibility of some sexual predator molesting one of our students is just not something I’m willing to risk.”

School system to eliminate dangerous items from school grounds and properties

School board superintendent, Jane Wright, has announced the immediate banning of certain dangerous items from the grounds and halls of all local schools.

In a list designed by the superintendent and approved by the board, the banned items include: bananas, cucumbers, melons, prints or facsimiles of classic artwork, candy canes and washing machines with spin cycles. Additionally, the word “Beaver” will be blacked out in all readable references to the city and/or school system of Beaver Valley, and the high school Mascot beaver will be euthanized and buried.

Terminally ill boy receives gift of a lifetime

One terminally ill area child has received what he calls, “the gift of a lifetime”.

Matt Wheedlock, 12, was given a dying wish when the Bring a Dream to Life Foundation visited him yesterday at the Beaver Valley Clinic for the Seriously Incapacitated. According to Matt’s father his son perked up considerably when the Foundation members arrived.

“He was like another child,” Adam Wheedlock says. “His eyes widened, his color came back and he was even able to get out of bed on his own. It was the first time in seven weeks Matt has done that. His Mom and I just can’t thank the Foundation enough for making our precious son’s last wish come true.”

Matt was diagnosed with terminal hangnail in April and doctors have given him only a 1 percent chance of not recovering. The boy’s wish for a hot private nurse was paid entirely by generous contributions to the Bring a Dream to Life Foundation.

Retirement home bans school superintendent

Beaver Valley school board superintendent, Jane Wright, has been banned from a local retirement home.

In a 13-0 vote the Home for Retired Santas for Hire has banned Wright from entering the grounds or residence of their facility.

When asked for the reason for the ban retired Santa, Jared Havens, 65, said, “Ms. Wright has banned us from visiting children at the schools, so what’s good for the goose, you know? Besides she fondled my candy stick sitting on my lap at the mall last year. And worse, my knee caps were in braces for weeks after that. The woman really needs to lay off her addiction to bananas and cucumbers.”

Help for the Homeless Hospitality Org. reports severe drop in donations

Harold Ford of the local HHHORG reports that donations have plummeted recently, putting the organization into the red.

“This has been the leanest year we’ve had,” Ford says. “We are in severe need of necessity items like blankets, food, clothing, diapers and sanitary supplies. We are asking the public to dig deep into their pockets and help if they possibly can. We are a volunteer organization and benefactors can be assured that every penny we get goes to the homeless.”

Couple leads fund drive for local charitable org.

Brenda and Dave DeNastio, who recently received help paying bills from a Secret Santa, is organizing a fund drive for the Help for the Homeless Hospitality Org.

“These people desperately need everything they can get,” Brenda DeNastio says. “Otherwise homeless people will leaving the shelter and venturing elsewhere. The last thing we need is to see the dirty homeless spilling like zombies into the pristine yards and estates of the privileged.”

The DeNastios have got the fund drive under way by donating a tin of tuna, an 8-track player and a sleeping bag once used by Mr. DeNastio’s late uncle to the HHHORG.

Nutrition activist urges parents to set the tone on nutrition this holiday season

Mitzi Kellog, a nutrition advocate and host of the local talk radio show, Eating Can Kill You, is urging local parents to set a good example of healthy eating choices for their children during the holidays..

From the forum of her talk radio show, Kellog has reminded parents that the holidays don’t have to be associated with eating sweets and other rich foods. She has also told her audience that to successfully get children to make healthy food choices means parents have to change their own habits.

“And it isn’t only about what goes into our mouths,” Kellog is quoted as saying yesterday. “We can’t let the kids see us let Santa slide by either. Instead of giving your children a bag of sugary cookies and glass of fatty milk to set out for Santa, make them put out a healthy snack instead. Carrot sticks, celery, carob treats, sugarless gum and a nice glass of water is an excellent start. Not only will this show your kids you mean business when it comes to their nutrition, but also teach them how to take charge in changing the dietary choices of lard butts like St. Nick.”

Woman hospitalized following savage assault

Local woman, Mitzi Kellog, has been hospitalized following what police are calling a savage assault by a group of unidentified “little people”.

According to Lt. Frank Baum, Kellog was coming out of the West End Health Food Shop early this morning when she was taken hostage by a group of individuals of short stature and wearing green caps and matching boots.

“They dragged Ms. Kellog into the alley and beat the literal hell out of her,” Baum reports. “Two witnesses said the suspects were swinging bakery and grocery items as weapons – a Danish Yule Log, a loaf of bread, one of those big chocolate chip birthday cookies. They bruised her up pretty badly and then one of them opened a jug of apple cider and they forced her to drink it. And the icing on the cake, so to speak, was the icing.. a rich yummy frosting they slathered all over her face and body. They didn’t stop until she was completely covered with it and decorated with sprinkles. By the time her attackers stopped Ms. Kellog looked like a gingerbread woman. The witnesses were licking her clean by the time we responded to the call.”

Ms. Kellog has been hospitalized for treatment of trauma. Doctors say she is in good condition.

“She’s on suicide watch,” Dr. Brandon Maple told sources, “after finding out she’d accidentally ingested a chocolate drop forced into her mouth by the attackers. I’ve never seen a woman so desperate to do herself in. But she sure tasted good. Half the emergency room staff are still licking frosting off their scrubs.”

Material ©December 23, 1011 by Beth Perry