Beaver Valley Post issue #3

The Outhouse Door Crusades began this day in 1911, when an outhouse, owned by the Garret Blessing family, was set on fire. The incident was the first in a series of destructive arsons and vandalisms carried out against outhouses that sported ventilation holes in shapes other than crescent moons. The destruction did not stop until early 1912 when the town counsel made the manufacture and use of non-crescent shaped ventilation holes a crime punishable by death. The law was not lifted until 1941 after then-Mayor Reginald Lukeychot was burned alive when companions found him using an old unauthorized outhouse he came across during a hunting trip.

Disgruntled guide threatens lives of scientists

Kemerova, Russia

Forest guide and retired search and rescue worker, Demetrik Cuska, has posted threats throughout the seven acres of woodlands that surrounds his small home in Kemerova. These threats warn “scientists, the curious and other nosy people” to expect lethal action if they molest, stalk or otherwise harass Cuska’s family. Cuska admitted to local police that he posted the threats after his family was harassed on several occasions. He says that the offenders are all foreign anthropologists, paleontologists and amateur myth hunters who are visiting Kemerova for an ongoing Cryptozoology convention.

“These are supposed to be educated people,” Cuska says. “But they act like hooligans. They repeatedly trespass onto our property, cut down wood, leave trash and debris in their temporary camps, photograph our children without permission and even take sadistic pleasure in scaring my wife. One group of them attempted to lure our children into their van with candy. Another man even followed my wife, Ruada, to our hot spring and filmed her bathing in the nude. I have nothing against foreigners, but such behavior is improper and unacceptable. They have ignored my requests to respect our privacy, so I intend to leave the warnings up until their convention is over. That is, unless their insensitivity has spread to my neighbors.”

Kemerova police say they will leave Cuska’s posts as they are and are asking visitors to be more considerate to the privacy of locals.

Mineral springs “voice” attracts tourists

Vergina, Greece

A natural mineral springs in the town of Vergina has attracted dozens of tourists over the last two weeks. A farmer, whose land lies adjacent to the wood where the spring is located, says a voice began “speaking” from the water vapors about two weeks ago.

Two linguist professors who have dropped by agree this voice speaks in an ancient local dialect of Latin. Since the farmer first made his claim dozens of tourists have parted from their scheduled vacation sightseeing to visit the spring. The voice has been heard at irregular hours both night and day, and according to witnesses, is uttered by a feminine voice.

Dr. Anderson M. Davies told reporters, “It speaks in the language spoken in the time of Phillip II, father of Alexander the Great. While neither I nor anyone else has figured out how the voice is produced I am sure someone soon will figure out the source of this hoax.”

Dr. Judy Michaels-Stephens of Al, USA, concurs. “Strange indeed, and quite chilling. But who is going to take seriously the warnings of this prank?” Michaels went on to confirm the warnings vary but have a similar thread of thought. “Sometimes it says 'Stop complaining, rely on the fruits of your own labor’ while other times it makes reproaches like ‘Reclaim your pride’ and ‘Be not whining beggars but industrious and my blessings will be yours’ It is all nonsense, of course, and no one knows quite what to make of these ridiculous messages.”

Outside of locals most Greeks have ignored the spring. As one Athens native told a reporter, “Greece has much more important things going on right now. We’re in a tight fix, what with the government too stingy to provide its own people with more matches and gasoline for the protests.”

This spring, largely unknown to modern historians, was considered sacred to the goddess, Tethys, who spread the ashes of her dead human consort, Hemgeddes, into the water. According to tradition Hemgeddes was a private mail carrier who worked for room, board and a small fee, and was stoned to death by a mob made up of highly paid delivery staff employed by the Senate.

Study finds Atheists most well-adjusted

The findings of a newly released study shows that among varying spiritual and religious groups, Atheists are the most psychologically well-adjusted

According to the findings collected by researchers Atheists rated the most psychologically well-adjusted among all student subjects who identified themselves with a spiritual or religious belief system. Following Atheists were Nihilists, Agnostics, Satanists and Stoics. Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, Shintos and Pagans tied for the worst psychologically adjusted for life.

The study was conducted last month at the George Bernard Shaw University in Lenin, Minnesota, under the administration of Dr. Jerome Bledsoul, head of the Fabian Studies Department.

Television’s “Snake Wrestler” dies after animal attack

Mt. Murphy, CA

TV personality, Dave “Snake Wrestler” Memphis Dayton, was pronounced dead yesterday after what witnesses call a brutal attack by a canine.

Dayton, 38, was known as the Snake Wrestler for hunting down and wrestling some of the largest snakes in the world. He first gained international fame in 2008 when he appeared in a series of videos made by friends and posted to Youtube. These popular films featured Dayton tracking down some of the biggest snakes and other large predators in the United States. In 2009 Dayton’s television show, Snake Wrestler Worldwide, appeared on The Frontier Network. The show took Dayton across the globe in search of bigger and meaner snakes, alligators, rhinos, bears and every kind of venomous and deadly reptile, arachnid and marine life in the world. In one of the highest rated episodes Dayton traveled to Germany where he was filmed searching out and wrestling with a rare giant catfish that weighed in over 500 lbs. During the very last episode, not yet released, Dayton was filmed discovering a rare giant jellyfish while scuba diving off the coast of Hawaii. Dayton’s brother and producer, Mark Dayton, says the footage provides a hauntingly poignant look at Dayton’s innate fondness for animals and the loving way he interacted with them.

“Dave had just yanked the jellyfish out of its hiding spot inside an old scallop shell,” Mark Dayton told journalists. “He wrestled it to the surface of the water, batted it around with his air tank and gouged its eyes a few times until it snarled. Then he batted it again and again until the animal understood he meant it no harm. When it was good and bloody he got on top of it and rode it until died of exhaustion. Beautiful, just beautiful. A true testament to Dave’s special bond with this planet’s precious wildlife.”

Investigators say Dayton’s death was the result of an attack by a canine kept at 761 Dundee Drive. Witnesses on hand say Dayton had gone there around 9 PM yesterday evening to visit his girlfriend, Emily Price. Price admitted to police that the dog which attacked Dayton was hers.

“The dog literally tore his throat open,” Lt. Danny Brown confirmed. “Dayton didn’t last even a minute after the dog ripped open his carotid artery.”

Police have placed the animal in the city animal shelter, where it will likely be euthanized later this week. No charges have been filed against Price, who was visibly upset and in tears when Dayton’s body was driven away to the morgue.

“I told Dave to stop antagonizing my dog,” Price told reporters. “But he just wouldn’t stop blowing in Snookerpetals' face. He kept doing it and doing it until..well, you know. Serves the igit right.”

University professor charged with four homicides after road-rage incident

Lenin, MN

A Minnesota college professor has been charged with four homicides following what police are calling a particularly savage incidence of road rage in Lenin, MN.

The Sheriff’s department has confirmed that the suspect, Dr. Jerome Bledsoul, was apprehended on the scene as police came to investigate calls about a road rage incident on Red Square Drive near Hamilton Fish & Fries. In addition to four charges of premeditated murder, Bledsoul also faces charges of driving on a suspended license and possessing an unregistered fire arm.

Eye-witnesses say Don and Wyona Smith and their friends, Angela and Mike Toffey, had spoken briefly with the suspect inside the restaurant. Manager Eric Whitmore remembers all five individuals.

“Professor Bledsoul comes in here once or twice a month,” Whitmore told reporters. "Though we dread it as he always complains the place isn’t clean enough. He’s called the health inspector three times this year, and each time they’ve given us a passing bill. Anyway, this day the professor seemed annoyed instead with the Smith party. He claimed that Don Smith had returned for seconds to the breakfast bar without getting a clean plate and that Mr. Smith's friend had taken the last pineapple muffin.”

The witnesses say Bledsoul and the Smith party left Hamilton’s Fish & Fries within moments of one another. Bledsoul was seen following the other party’s vehicle out of the parking lot and onto the adjacent rural road. Bledsoul proceeded to increase speed and rammed into the Smith vehicle three times, forcing it off the road and into a ditch. Bledsoul, they say, next stopped his car and proceeded to run over to the Smith’s vehicle, where he began firing into the windshields with a pistol.

“He shot everyone in the head,” witness Jerry Strickland reported. “We just stood there screaming at the man to stop but he waved the gun at us. When he was done firing into the car he walked round to the back of Mr. Smith’s car and began screaming curses and kicking at the sticker on the bumper. He was still screaming when the swat team arrived.”

Police investigators confirm that the bumper sticker read Love Thy Neighbor.

EPA to begin issuing more stringent regulatory citations

In an effort to combat what is deemed a concerted negligence for environmental concerns among U.S. industry leaders, the Environmental Protection Agency has announced it will begin issuing more stringent citations.

Referred to as the Just Because We Can citations, the EPA says it will start issuing the citations whenever it appears the business owner(s) will be hiring within the continental United States, Hawaii and Alaska and offering employment opportunities to documented legal workers or native born Americans. First-time violators will be fined a minimum of $5000.

A spokesperson for the Agency says this decision should not cause undue concern for U.S. business owners.

“As long as they follow all of our other current rules business owners are probably safe,” the spokesperson stated. “If there is a blue moon at the time, of course, and if we’re in the mood, and if the day of the week begins with a W.”

University accused of falsifying student records

Lenin, MN

The George Bernard Shaw University has been accused of falsifying student records by claiming enrollment of non-existent students.

Ava Martin, president of the Mid-Western College Integrity League, reports the university recently falsified student records, to show enrollment of students who don’t exist. Although Martin says CIL’s investigations show that the university didn’t create these students in order to obtain illegal federal grants, it has used the bogus students to falsify the results of a recent study on spiritual beliefs. University sources confirm the Dean’s office has not yet issued a response to the charge.

“This so-called study was passed on to news sources as a legitimate one,” Martin says. “When I attended GBSU there were no Christians, no Jews, no non-Atheists whatsoever. Imagine my shock when a sixty-year old Shinto gentleman contacted to say he received a Student Discount card from Hooters because of his enrollment at GBSU, an enrollment that doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t seem the moral thing to do to people.”

Senior rewarded with Meals-for-Life

60 year-old Wakasa Hitokyomo of Beaver Valley has been presented a Meals-for-Life ticket from the Hooters in Lenin, MN..

According to manager, Jim Q. Brice, Hitokyomo was given the distinction after driving out of state and across half the country to visit the restaurant he’s never been in, and saying he had mistakenly received a Student Discount card in the mail. Apparently Hitokyomo’s name was erroneously entered into the restaurant’s computer records, which the manager relies on to send out discount cards to students at a local MN college.

“Mr. Hitokyomo is honest in a day when honesty mighty scarce,” Brice went on record to say. “He tore the card up right in front of me and apologized for any inconvenience on our part. Who the heck does things like that these days? So, we rewarded Mr. Hitokyomo. I wish the university professors who regularly come here with bogus senior discount cards had just half this man’s integrity!”

The Hooters Meals-for-Life ticket can be used at any of the chain's restaurants across the US. Mr. Hitokyomo says that while he doesn’t feel he did anything more than “the right thing” he will happily use the reward ticket to treat himself every now and then with a “juicy piece of meat with all the luscious trims.”

Woman says teacher had improper sexual relations with her son

Sheila Tyrantas of Beaver Valley has told the District Attorney’s office a local teacher had sexual relations with her minor son.

According to an affidavit filed with the DA’s office Tyrantas claims Victoria Sezabang, a former teacher at Beaver Valley High, seduced Tyrantas’ then 17-year old son Morgan three months before his graduation. Sezabang was 24 at the time of the alleged incident. Tyrantas further alleges the relationship lasted for an extended time, long enough to cause her son psychological damage.

The DA’s office confirms an investigation is pending but that they have not received a formal complaint from Morgan Tyrantas. The office says that when contacted, he would neither confirm nor deny the allegations.

“We can do nothing without his testimony,” a spokesperson commented.

Mrs. Tyrantas contends the DA's delay is a potentially harmful waste of time.

“Seems to me they’re just waiting for this deviant predator to abuse another child,” Tyrantas says. She went on to assert that if the DA’s dept. fails to make an arrest in the matter she will seek justice from the governor’s office.

When asked for comment, Morgan Tyrantas, now thirty-one, says his mother is an “overbearing tyrant who won’t let go of the apron strings.”

Morgan further indicated that over the last several years he and his wife have had to petition the courts for orders of protection from his mother.

Tyrantas contends Morgan has overreacted to her maternal concerns because her daughter-in-law, Victoria Sezabang-Tyrantas, brain-washed her son.

“All I ever wanted for Morgan was for him to enjoy a safe, nice life,” Tyrantas explains, "I wanted him to become a nice pharmacist or hair dresser or perhaps open a nail salon. But what did this predator’s influence do to my baby? Now he’s a fire fighter and member of the National Guard! She’s evil, just evil. At least my younger son, Delbert, still has a chance. I’ve had him in a safe place for the last ten years, where no filthy whore can ever touch him or take him away from his mother -I mean, away from a bright and happy future.”

Power board tells customers that expected hard winter conditions necessitate rate increases

During a meeting at the town hall last Sunday night BV Power & Electric board member, Harold Goforth, addressed an audience of citizens about the newly adopted rate increases. Goforth told the crowd that the increases are direly needed, and cited a prediction of upcoming severe winter conditions from the Beaver Valley Weather Authority.

“Officials there assure us of a severe winter ahead,” Goforth told the large group of concerned customers. “This will force us to make needed updates to our outdated systems and purchase upgrades for our emergency vehicles. Our current budget simply does not allow for keeping the community serviced efficiently under severe winter weather. We apologize for any inconvenience this poses for the community, but the welfare of the community is our first and primary concern.”

The board voted 10-3 to raise the current rate by 5%. The increase goes into effect December 1^st, a day before the board and their families leave to attend the American Electric Monopolized Industries convention, to be held this year in the Bahamas

Dazzling Thanksgiving display goes live

Today the BV Power & Electric put up their annual outdoor Thanksgiving display in the Business District. Attractive as every year, their display this year boasts five thousand new strands of bulbs, including a lighted cornucopia made of Italian glass and beads from Spain. Additionally, holiday sight-seers are able to see a brand-new animated and talking turkey display. The turkey is over 15 ft. high, weighs nearly a ton and can be seen peering down from its post over the Unemployment Office. Power & Electric officials say the display is sure to delight children by sticking its tongue out, fluttering its wings and shouting, “Gobble, gobble, are you hungry, kids?”

Unemployment officials complain to Mayor’s office

The officials at the Unemployment office made several phone calls to Mayor Dick Burns’ office today to complain about the nearly one-ton holiday display the BV Power & Electric has placed on the front of their department.

“It is not only frightening to children,” Delores Hargrove said, “but such a gaudy use of electricity shows the Power company’s complete indifference for people out of work and suffering to pay their light bills.”

The Mayor’s office responded with an official comment, “The officials at the Unemployment Office are under a clause in their tenant agreement that gives the city the right to offer the front of the building for display use to any utility authorized for such use by the Mayor’s office. We are sorry if these people hate Thanksgiving but maybe they should just all move to Brazil or Ireland or any other place where holidays don’t mean anything to their godless people.”

Mayor’s cousin to run for office

34 year-old Timothy Behar, a local used car salesman, has announced he is running for office.

Following in the footsteps of his cousin, Mayor Dick Burns, Behar has thrown his hat in for an open position on the BV Power & Electric board. The position was left open after the recent imprisonment of Frank Weiner, who was convicted of usury and forced prostitution in the matter of several lower-income people anxious to pay their electricity bills.

Behar expects to face little or no competition in the race as the positions are elected on at the Mayor’s office.

Anonymous tip leads to discovery of man held captive for ten years

A tip from an unidentified journalist has led to the discovery of a man held captive for the past ten years.

Delbert Tyrantas was eleven years old when his father reported him missing. Police and volunteer rescue parties searched the Tyrantas property and the entire neighborhood and the adjacent woodland in search of young Delbert with no success. After some weeks the search parties stopped and Delbert’s father remembered his child by tying a large yellow ribbon to the trunk of a Maple in the front yard of their home. But this morning an anonymous tip to police led them to the dungeon-like room room where Delbert had been locked away for all these years.

Investigators say Delbert was being held in the windowless attic of his family’s home. The conditions are described as cramped, although a half-bath and running shower had been installed. Also found in the attic was a bed, a lamp, a book case with books, a Barbie Town House, dolls, a battery-power CD player and a large selection of CD’s with hit pop songs performed by and for children.

“Delbert was locked away as a kid and let out a grown man,” deputy investigator Nash McGovern said. “At this time he is being treated at Beaver Valley Memorial, and the doctors say his condition is good, especially considering the extended period of isolation.”

Arrested in connection with Delbert’s captivity is his mother, Sheila Tyrantas. She faces several charges, including child abuse, torture, lying to police and illegal confinement of an adult. Tyrantas’ lawyer says that his client has been wrongfully accused.

“The person responsible for this is clearly Delbert’s father,” Ron Dowlhammer claims. “A very abusive man who always resented the child his wife cherished. He did what he did to make his wife miserable with worry.”

Mr. Tyrantas was found dead in the family swimming pool in 2009, where Mrs. Tyrantas claims he stumbled in after accidentally falling face first into a power drill.

NFC rejects application of Clarksville team, citing insensitive cultural connotations

The owners of a semi-pro football team from Clarksville, TN, have received an official rejection from the National Football Conference for consideration as a qualifying member.

Mike White Star and Gary Fast Deer, both of Clarksville, say they are not surprised by the conference’s decision, though both are disappointed.

“Our team consists of all volunteers,” White Star told reporters, “men who hold down regular jobs and have never been arrested or even suspected of being involved with drugs or abusing women. So far we have played only for charitable events, and yet our guys have beat every major college team that have accepted a challenge. It is for the fans I am most sad for, and for the countless childrens hospitals and organizations who were hoping we’d get professional credentials. But this is ok, we will continue to do what we love and give the event proceeds to those who need them most.”

A spokesperson for the NFC says that while the organization is impressed with the Clarksville Rednecks, the team’s name is culturally insensitive.

“I’m personally impressed by these players. But in this day and age we can’t even consider putting our reputation behind a team with such a culturally insensitive name,” the spokesperson told reporters. “Now if any of these talented athletes are truly interested in pursuing a career in football I can get a recruiter from the Washington Redskins out here quicker than you can say Leap'n Injuns, Geronimo!”

Local sports

Basketball

Beaver Valley slides over Pole High Peckers, 69-68

Cock Co. Cocks thrust into semi-finals, pounding Pootang High 46-0

Riveting Rods slam Choir Town Boys 26-2

Young womens Basketball

Beaver Valley Lady Nibblers lick Pearl Jammers, 53-3

Dreg City Dykes go head to head with Butch Community, 34-33

Spitting

Dora Johnson, 89 of Beaver Valley, won the Tri-county Spitting Tournament. Johnson, who used her familiar oyster-spun-on-a-snot-jelly hack beat out last year's winner, Miles Dewey, to take the lead for the State championships in December.

November 1: Fred Baines, 14 Bear Hollow Rd, charged with possession of illegal exotic animals

November 1: Fred Baines, 14 Bear Hollow Rd, charged with illegal marriage to a water buffalo

November 1: Reverend Phyllis Dulcehymer, 15 Bear Hollow Rd, cited with distributing non-legal wedding license

November 2: Justin Breathe, 200 Rock Slate Drive, bound over for construction of Meth lab and possession of velvet wall paintings of homely women

November 4: Sheila Tyrantas, 312 Crone Lane, charged with felonious captivity of unnamed adult male against his will

Births

Inhalia Meth, girl, 5 lbs, 3 oz, born to Carzenzonia Lungheister and Justin Breathe

Wondrous Delight, boy, 126 lbs, born to “Fleecy” and Fred Baines

Immaculate Conception, girl, 6 lbs, 4 oz, born to Sister Mary Ann Gilligansisle

Church & Community News

November 9: The Puritan Church of Beaver Valley will be holding auditions for white persons to play the roles of Native Americans in their annual First Thanksgiving play. Auditions begin at 6AM and end at 4 PM

November 10-14th: The Church of Animal Lovers will be taking donations of tofu for their upcoming Holiday Feast to Feed Poor Non-Vegetarians Without Any Other Place To Eat. 10AM-7PM daily

November 11-15^th The Church of Meat Eaters will be taking donations of meats for their annual Holiday Feast to Feed Poor Vegetarians Without Any Other Place to Eat. 11AM-8PM daily

November 16-21^th the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Turkeys will be presenting the play, Ham, the Other Bird Meat at the Civic Center. Tickets go on sale at 4PM daily, doors open at 6PM

November 22: the BV Ladies League of Subtle Word Play will be holding a Talk Dirty Using Thanksgiving Table Talk competition. Winner to receive a quivering phallus shaped jello mold and all the hot buttered buns they can lick. Begins at 4PM at the Civic Center.

Automobiles

1974 classic flatbed semi, good condition, new tires, only used to deliver corpses. Will throw in used ropes and bottle of homemade moonshine. $10,000 firm, though will consider even trade for wife if you have an attractive one who cooks and does laundry and doesn’t mind men with felony records. Contact Kurt at 555-1617

Livestock

Ten turkey cocks; plump, juicy and already de-feathered. They shiver a lot but can be silenced by showing them an ax. Interested parties please mail BV PO #4

Household Items

Collection of pancakes, baked by my mother. Perfect for frisbie practice and discus throws. Call Andy at 555-9008 with best offer.

Official Twilight Thanksgiving Dinner Plate Set. Comes with the official Twilight special blood removal dish detergent and sparkle cupcake decorator tools. $500 or will trade for nude photo of Robert Pattinson. Contact Jarlina at BV PO #770

Official The Walking Dead Thanksgiving Dinner Set. Comes with brain scraping knife. $200 or best offer. Contact Bret at BV PO #55

TURKEY BASTERS AND MEAT THERMOMETORS GALORE!! Only used once or twice. Contact Gina at Gina’s House of Non-Typical Sexual Appliances and make me an offer that will make me shudder with bliss!!!!

Personals

WM, classical music lover, enjoys singing, ringing bells and running from mobs. Seeks relationship with any female with poor eyesight. Send interested letters to BV PO #37

YWF, likes long walks on the beach, bubble baths, watching 1 Man 1 Jar over and over again. Seeks relationship with many men with many jars. Send inquiries to BV PO #22

Slim, attractive, 44-26-36, WF with looks to kill and lips to die for and enjoys about anything you can imagine or ever dreamed of. Will provide physical relationship with proof of my husband’s demise. Contact Lora at #BV PO #80

WM, cherry condition, told I’m attractive, enslaved in mother’s attic until recent release. Seeking wild nights with any hot females! PLEASE contact Delbert at 555-HUMP.

Refined, untouched Puritan lady seeks relationship with uninhibited male willing to help me forget, in the sweatiest of ways, why I tried to commit suicide last month. Willing to move or pay for you to move here. Contact Rachel at 1-800-NEED-It

WM, enjoys political discussions, pop music, long camp outs in cities, crowd mentality and the smell of burning flags. Seeks woman who will wash my clothes and send me some deodorant and flea powder. Contact Chris at 666-Boy-Cott

Employment Opportunities

WORK at home, STUFFING envelopes, MAKING $200 AN HOUR!!! Must be over 18 and willing to come to work in the nude. Taking applications at 118 East Drool Street.

Gloombury Pharmaceuticals is taking applications for upcoming medical research study. Pays $450 a day. You must be 18 or older, have no living relatives and don’t mind changing your species. To schedule a preliminary interview visit the office of Dr. Rakebucks at the Gloombury Pharmaceutical professional office today.

Prod World is taking applications for electronic cattle prod testers. Must be 21 years of age or older and have at least 1 years experience as professional servant to extremely painful and gruesome sexual entertainments. Visit Prod World on Texas Chainsaw Hwy to pick up an application.

IMMEDIATE OPENINGS for workers in all areas of industry. Applicants must be at least 18 years of age. For the right applicants we offer minimum wage, shift hours and a generous docking of your wages to pay for any uniform, safety gear, footwear or other articles of apparel you may be required to wear. Employees who are retained after the 90-day probationary period are insured full hour weeks, a continuance of start-in hourly pay and full medical coverage by an insurance company with the proven ability to disqualify any and all medical treatment you may ever incur. Come in today to get your application! Use ‘Em ‘N Losem Employment Agency, 253 Tennessee Turnover Highway

©2011 by Beth Perry