Que Sera Sera
What will be, will be. That's what we decided. We discussed the different possibilities that evening, after work in that old run down bar at the docks in Burnham. We had no idea where our plans would take us, but we needed to address the elephant in the room. Were we worried? Absolutely!! There would be no going back and it would change the future forever. We both had created a situation that would not allow us to return to before. Before, I sent you a rose, and before you gave me a kiss.
If anyone would ask me today, if I would follow the path we took, my answer would be beyond any doubt, yes. I couldn't pinpoint what the magnetism was, but there was something about you I couldn't walk away from that night. You were so sincere in explaining you didn't know what the future would bring but you needed to follow your heart, not your head but most definitely your heart. You confessed you would dream about us. Your head would focus on the negatives and your heart was full of possibilities. We weren't discussing love only the fact that we did enjoy being each other. We both enjoyed each other's wit, intellect, spontaneity, and naturalness. We did not address with all honesty what harm we would cause to others in beginning a new relationship with each other. You convinced me all the harm that had been done to your family had been done by previous relationships and problems created long before you even knew me. I should have known some won’t let their misery end. They are controlled by their own misery and new relationships cause old feelings sometimes to be resurrected. Misery does love company, but I digress.
We agreed (mostly you promised) this was not about a physical relationship. We would not go forward if this relationship didn't work for both of us with no pressure to continue beyond our comfort level. It need not be exclusive, although you thought being nonexclusive did not allow for us to build on this relationship. I didn't want to work at a relationship to happen. I wanted the magic of romance to just suddenly happen (movie style). Ironic, I who wanted the freedom to date others found myself not enjoying the freedom of dating and even worried about my friend Carol flirting with you. I even worried you might even enjoy flirting with her more than with me, but I tried not to let you notice my change of heart. But, you had to notice. I spent every Wednesday with you for dinner, every Saturday morning golfing ( it became just a twosome rather than the foursome we played early on with Noel and Bernie and sometimes Bucky). It even became just you and me driving to work. You stopped picking up the others. You made plans and I went along, never once turning down a date with you. We were exclusive, I just didn't admit it. I guess because I was assuring myself I was not learning to depend on you.
We didn't discuss anything beyond dating. We did after falling completely in love with each other discuss the possibility of marriage. Another elephant. I believe we both entered into marriage with realistic expectations. There was 25 years between us that we (or others) couldn't ignore. We both knew the risk that presented. Of course, we were quite sure that we would be childless and that would relieve any pressure of you being an older father and the possibility that I would be left to raise children on my own. We promised each other we would continue to find mutual ground to keep our marriage together. If we could enjoy each other at 26 and 51, we could enjoy each other at 51 and 76. Did we really only expect 25 years? I don't remember thinking beyond that. 25 years would make us happy. Each anniversary was truly a gift. We expected happiness and were overjoyed with all the unexpected blessings.
Now, that I am without you the thing that takes all the sadness away is the 39 years we had together. Far beyond what we expected. I didn't expect children (although we were elated about each one) but ever so grateful we both saw our children raised to adulthood. Thankful!!! We managed to remain in love with each other. Thankful!!! I can’t be sad when I focus on all the happiness we didn't expect. Our happiness grew and grew. If it was meant to be, it will be. It was meant to be. Que Sera Sera.
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