Caldwell, A Police Story

The white 1971 Ford LTD had the 429 cubic inch four barreled Police Interceptor engine, the beefed up suspension and the heavy duty brakes. What the three year old car lacked was enough room in the front seat for Sgt. Bill Putnam's gigantic stomach. Even with the seat pushed back to it's limit, Bill's belly rubbed when he made the turn onto Main.

Bill had spent most of the evening shift doing the things he did every shift. He cruised around town at about 15 miles per hour, clogging up the exhaust system in the high performance car and eating at all the places where he could get free food. Hoop cheese sliced thick on saltines and a coke at Doc Tolbert's place was followed an hour later with a double cheeseburger at the South Main Grill. He was thinking about going home for an early supper when he saw the blonde swishing her long hair down the street.

Bill knew his days on the Lancaster Police force were numbered and he was thinking of retiring to get away from the crazy ex-Marine Drill Instructor who had been named the new Police Chief. This guy expected them to patrol instead of sitting on the bench in front of the PD waiting on a call and shooting the breeze. When a burglary happened on the black side of town last week, the crazy Chief made him file a written report!

Bill decided to cut the block and get a look at the blonde from the front.

Caldwell Simpson had been drinking since the boss man told him early that morning there was no work for the rest of the week. Caldwell had been a brick mason's helper about as long as Bill Putnam had been a cop and when he was sober he was a good hand. To say that he was simple would be an understatement. He was much like Ernest T. Bass from the Andy Griffith Show, except not as smart. Caldwell did not have a malevolent bone in his painfully skinny body and had a child like persona. Why he chose to don the long blonde wig that day is anyone's guess.

Bill muttered under his breath when he realized it was Caldwell wearing the wig and that the swishing was just a drunk man walking. Most of the new cops thought Caldwell was a funny, harmless drunk and sent him home when they could. Bill just thought he was a pain in the butt and busted him every chance he got. He pulled to the curb and as he cranked down the window the hot august air flooded the car.

"Hey, Caldwell get over here," Bill ordered in his gruff southern voice.

Caldwell stopped on the street and looked at the big cop through glassy, bloodshot eyes. He giggled and snuff dribbled out of the corner of his mouth onto his salt and pepper stubbled chin. He shook his head and giggled some more.

Infuriated, Bill looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear. "Caldwell, get your drunk ass in the car. Don't make me get out."

Whatever demon had suggested to Caldwell that he should wear the wig that day had also helped form his other wardrobe choices. He wore a white dress shirt and he had tied it oddly around his waist, leaving his stomach bare. His jeans were about six inches too short and his loafers matched the white rope he was using for a belt. The whole outfit made Bill wince and he could just imagine the crap he was going to have to take off the new guys when he showed up at the PD with this character.

"And spit out that snuff before you get in my car. I'm not cleaning up after you like I did last time."

That was when Caldwell remembered the last time Bill locked him up. Bill took his snuff, and nothing was as important to Caldwell as his snuff. Well, maybe the half finished Mad Dog 2020 that he had in his back pocket was, but nothing else.

"Caldwell ain't hurtin' nuttin'," he whined in his high pitched voice. "Caldwell goin' home, I ain't doin' nuttin'."

Bill reached over on the seat and picked up his lead sap. He held it up so Caldwell could see it and motioned for him to come.

Caldwell giggled again and when Bill popped the door open he turned to run. The chase lasted exactly one block before Bill, panting and out of breath, tripped on a Dr. Pepper bottle and fell flat. The wind whistled out of him, and he lay on the hot sidewalk as his vision clouded.

Caldwell saw him fall and scooted back. He squatted down in front of Bill who looked up into his face, desperately trying to breathe. Tears of anger formed and ran down Bill's wrinkled hog jowls to mix with the summer sweat.

"You all wight?" Caldwell had a pronounced lisp that got worse the more he drank.

Bill shook his head no and his vision cleared a bit.

"Bweath knocked out?"

Bill nodded a yes.

Caldwell smiled showing his snuff stained teeth, took off his right shoe, and popped Bill once right in the forehead with it! Then he ran down the street out of sight, giggling in delight.

Author's Note

Thanks to WillStar for suggesting I turn to police fiction as I enjoyed writing this hub. There is some truth to this tale, but I didn't see it happen. I also made up the last names for the characters. They are based on real people who are no longer with us. Hope you enjoyed it!

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Comments 20 comments

ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Hi Resspencer...thanks to Will for the suggest and a bigger thanks to you for following through with an awesome (semi) fictional account of Caldwell and Bill!

I couldn't help but chuckle when Caldwell popped him in the head with shoe before manically scampering off down the road ...still...I couldn't help but think that things would end up badly for him...ain't like Bill isn't going to see him later. Great Job, sir!

Kathy 5 years ago

Great job, Ronnie! Caldwell reminded me of a few on whom I conducted bond hearings over the years. I, too, laughed out loud when Caldwell smacked Bill on the forehead with his shoe. I couldn't help but like him. You made my day.

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author


Thanks for reading. Caldwell didn't suffer much except when someone took his snuff or his wine.

Glad you liked it Kathy. Happy to make your day, too!

RNMSN profile image

RNMSN 5 years ago from Tucson, Az

this is priceless!! I loved it and now I shall turn the tables and say to you what Will and others have been saying to me..."More Please!" :)

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Nice to meet you, RNMSN. I don't think I've checked your stuff out but I will. I appreciate the read and your comments!

Becky Katz profile image

Becky Katz 5 years ago from Hereford, AZ

This was cute and funny. I see what you mean about him being like Ernest T, one of my favorite characters from Andy's show.

molometer profile image

molometer 5 years ago from Cambridgeshire, England

Hi resspender. Congrats on great storytelling had me hooked from "Bill Putnam's gigantic stomach." I like your style.

Voted up. You have a new fan.

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author


Thanks for reading, enjoying and commenting!


I appreciate your comments and thanks a bunch!

Storytellersrus profile image

Storytellersrus 5 years ago from Stepping past clutter

Good for WillStarr and good for you, resspenser! I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks Storytellers! I appreciate your continued interest in my stuff!

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

Hi, Ronnie, and congratulations on a fine first effort! I suspected you had the talent, and now I have great expectations.

I remember a few Caldwells from my old security service days, and they were basically harmless, as long as you let them be.

Up, and across the board!

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Will. I'll try not to let you down.

Ghost32 5 years ago

Feels real; good work! The story just reminded me of one I should write...:)

Voted up and across, including Beautiful.

What, you didn't think Caldwell was beautiful in his fancy outfit?

resspenser profile image

resspenser 5 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Ghost.

Terri Meredith profile image

Terri Meredith 5 years ago from Pennsylvania

I was expecting that the story was true right up to the end. Very good. Interesting from start to finish.

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

Expected them to Patrol. Not as smart as Ernest T. oh boy. Gotta say my friend your a master writer of the southern small town life with the characters, atmosphere, and antics. Enjoyed this? Loved it! What a sweet treat of a story, thank you resspenser.

resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author

Thanks, Alastar. I often wonder if the way I express Southernisms is hokey! Oops, did it again.

Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 4 years ago from North Carolina

HaHah! They may be hokey but Umm Umm good hokey!

weestro profile image

weestro 4 years ago from Virginia

Enjoyed your story, loved the description...I could picture the characters and the town. Voted up and awesome!

resspenser profile image

resspenser 4 years ago from South Carolina Author


I am so glad that you enjoyed the story. I appreciate you taking the time to read it and for the comment!

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