Catharsis in My Pen

Dear Hubland,

If you are looking for some fun and randy poetry this is not it. Please exit, first door on your left. This is me cleaning out my cry file, hoping to find relief in the posting of these. Its been six months and I still have days when my tears catch me unawares.  So I do what I always do to process my pain, I write. Bet you do too.

- Love and Light

Source

♥ ∞

This Is Not My Daddy


This is not my father

Mine has round rosy cheeks and a stoutness

Plump with years of too much beef and gin

This one’s skeleton now obvious

Under an oversized suit of skin


This man’s mouth has fallen sideways

His brace straight teeth misaligned

To a flaccid grin now chapped

No mischievousness left lingering


This is not our papa

Who’s kisses and hugs are legendary

Who’d wrap you up in strong arms

And teach you to Eskimo by the age of two


This is not the rancher who rose at four

And scoffed if you were still in bed at eight

The once afternoon nap has now become

An all day affair with intermittent waking


This is not my daddy who would talk your ear clean off

On subjects agricultural, mechanical, and geographical

Who cared not if his youngest girl understood or cared

But he still listens and when I ask if his pain is bad

Rarely now a groan means yes


This is not my dad this is my patient

Every night I sleep at the foot of his bed

Rising every three hours dosing his Dilaudid

In the mornings rub his feet to distract him from the pain


He has recessed deep inside

And is dancing in a field with my mother

Looking for a little gate and the path to lead him home

I pray that soon he finds it

For this is not my father




Gone


Mom looks out side

Its so pretty and blue

It should have gone dark

Or something, she says


I growl at the birds and trees

Through the tall glass

Don’t you know!


Can’t you hear the deafening quiet

Can’t you feel the whole world just got colder

Can’t you sense a new pointlessness

Don’t you know there is less love in the world


Mom and I stare at one another

Joined by this new hollowness


I love his hands, his arms, his neck

She touches him again and sobs

They will take him away

And I will never touch him again


I kiss his thin soft hair

One last time I tell myself

I love you Daddy

But I know he is not there




Brave Face


Finally its done

He’s gone

All to quickly


Should I feel relief

Or saddness

I can’t decide


Shall I be benevolent

Or selfish

I know what he would choose


God speed Daddy

I will be strong

I will not wallow


Just set my place

At the great table

I’ll be along

Before too long




In Keeping Tears


If I stop crying, is that disrespect?


Will it mean you are then gone?


In keeping my tears, do I keep you?


When I can think of you without crying,


Will you be demoted to the lesser loved


The ones who passed with a sad nod?


To protect the potency of your memory


Must I daily bathe it in tears?



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Comments 46 comments

RoseAsauresRex profile image

RoseAsauresRex 5 years ago from the sunny state of California

this is not my daddy,Gone, In keeping tears, and brave face all really hit home. although these are very sad poems they are still very beautiful. keep on writing. i like the fact that you are capable in writing poems in different styles ( fun, naughty, sad ect). youre very good. you have a God given talent. its like your poetry paints a picture every time i read it. :)


bbnix profile image

bbnix 5 years ago from Southern California

We can remember the strong hugs together Randy. We hold onto those moments with all our might. It's where we draw our strength.

We can share that tear my friend.

That's how we'll know one another when we're in a crowd - that incredibly slow motion tear forever upon our cheek.

Much love and strength my friend...

Incredible picture of you and your dad!!


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

RoseAsauresRex you couldn't have left me sweeter comment. You really couldn't. Thank you honestly.

Hi BB. I know I'm not alone in grieving, just wish I knew how to handle it better. And thanks for always commenting.


Enigmatic Me profile image

Enigmatic Me 5 years ago from East Coast Canada

The love you feel is not lessened by the fact they aren't there to physically feel it. Or so my life has shown. A tear, a tune, a funny memory, all keep them with us. They are like the morning dew, never disappearing even with sun standing at high noon. They are within and around us, in all of what we say and do, they are forever with us, no matter what others may think.

Thank you for sharing Randy ;)


alekhouse profile image

alekhouse 5 years ago from Louisville, Kentucky

So sad and so beautiful...brought me tears...Thanks for sharing your inner most feelings. I love the photo, P.


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

At the gates your father waits,Randy,reality and beauty versed.;)


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 5 years ago from Nashville, TN

This is not only catharsis for you, but for everyone who reads it. Thanks for laying it all out there.


W. B. Isley profile image

W. B. Isley 5 years ago from Monett, MO

The grieving gets easier. It takes time and sometimes a lot of time. Just walk through the pain. I promise it will not kill you (as you already know.) When the tears stop, is when the tears stop. There is no disrespect when the tears stop. Life must go on and we must become MORE than we were before.

They are not gone. They have only changed forms. They are now "people without bodies." They can still touch, taste, feel, smell, and hear, only on a much grander scale than we with bodies can even imagine. I have been interacting with them for at least 35 years now and I'm 39 now. Just because we can not see them does not mean that they aren't there. Tune in and you just might feel one of those big hugs you used to get.

Your writing style is wonderful. Cry on our shoulders any time you wish. We will be here crying with you. With much love and much certainty. W.B.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

wow, im so sorry for your loss. but if you believe in a heaven then you believe he is in a much better place, free from pain. and you will see him again, at that great table in the sky. Im positive he is saving you a place. He would understand when you stop crying. he would want you to be happy and live a full life. he will always be with you, in memory and in your heart. you dont need tears to keep him alive.


flying_fish profile image

flying_fish 5 years ago from GTA

I haven't adequate words to offer you, Randy - others have done well enough, I suppose. and you, of course, seem always to express with such vivid grace whatever you put your words to. ? ? ; A ?


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thanks for the thoughtful comment EM. He was such a huge and positive part of our lives. And I endeavor to live like he did with an open and judgeless heart.

Thanks Alekhouse. Sorry I made you cry again. I thought I was done with crying, but it just snuck up on me yesterday. I don't usually let anyone see my face, but wanted to show what a love he is.


To Start Again profile image

To Start Again 5 years ago

Oh Randy, I felt it so much. I was just thinking recently about loved ones I have lost in my life and how for days, weeks, sometimes years, I could not think of that person, could not look at a picture of them without feeling that deep sadness and letting tears streak down my cheeks. But then, one day, you find a picture you had forgotten about, one that has been tucked away in a drawer or a note that was lost under some paperwork and you remember them again. But you see them as they were in the picture, or when they were happy, lively and vivid and it just sticks. Your mind starts seeing them as that person you want to remember them as and while there may always be a little pain, a littel sadness for the loss, the mourning has passed and you just want to smile. You can say their name and giggle at the fun times and talk about them with other loved ones and it just feels good. And that, my friend, is what they want. That moment when you remember your dad and laugh at the jokes he used to tell and giggle at the pranks he pulled and smile at the way he just was...that is what will make your dad happy and so very proud of the beautiful, strong and oh so talented daughter he raised.

Hang in there Randy :)


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

i still cry every now and then when i think of my grandma, whom i was very close, or my brother i never knew. but only a few tears, ive always handled death well, but i was talkin to my bf yesterday about when my parents die, and i started tearing up just thinking about it, i dont know how well i would handle that. my parents mean everything to me, so i know its hard, but death happens to us all, its an inevitable thing, to make it less painful i have to believe that they are in a better place and i will see them again.. I have to believe that.


 5 years ago

A wonderful memorial for a man who seems legendary...just through your beautiful words...I can feel like I know him, and like him, Randy.

Cry when you feel like crying, laugh when you feel like laughing, flirt when you feel like flirting. You're dad would want it that way--it seems he must have left legacy in you.

He'll always live where you want him to live, in your heart, your head, your hands and everywhere else you want to see him and be with him.

An absolutely beautiful poem to commemorate the fact that we walk amongst giants--and some of them were, or are, our parents. Thank you so much.


Cogerson profile image

Cogerson 5 years ago from Virginia

I think this is the best one I have read so far...very nice....I was seeing my family while reading....excellent job


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee

I especially thought the last one was powerful

The tears aren't what keeps his memory alive.

The happiness and love is what matters.

The tears are reminders, but don't hold onto them too tightly

Very talented writing, again


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

MA, I hope he finds something else to do, as I don't plan on joining him for another 45 years or so!

Hi Stan. I hope you are right.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Its nice to meet you WB. How lucky you are to communicate with those on the other side. Are you clairvoyant or clairaudient? I would love to hear from the spirit world in a more obvious manner than I do. Thank you for your lovely comment.

Oh yes Nikki I do. My vision of what it is exactly has changed as I've aged and I suppose it'll go through a couple more remodels before I get there :)


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Hi flying fish. Thanks for reading me. I almost didn't include a comment box on this one, but now I'm glad I did. There are some amazing souls on HB.

To Start Again - That is such a nice comment. I know my Dad wouldn't like me crying over him. He asked my permission to die, asked if I was ready, and told me I'd be alright. Eventually he will get his way, as always.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Yea Nikki its different with different people for sure. I've lost all my grandparents and one mother. It was different with Dad. Part of the problem was the slow painful way he went. Pains over now though.

Thank you mystery person :) My Dad's pastor said of him, "He was the closest thing to Christ I've come across in my lifetime." And so he was for me as well.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thanks for coming in Cogerson. These were all written in the height of emotion, perhaps thats why you like them.

Thanks for reading Ben. For most of my life I didn't cry at all, a power play I learned when I was 3. Something changed when I gave birth. Something got knocked loose. I can't seem to control them anymore.


Jess Killmenow profile image

Jess Killmenow 5 years ago from Nowheresville, Eastern United States

.. something about precious, temporary life. I want to say that now is all we have.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

I was preaching that sentiment today to someone living for the future. I'm just as guilty, wallowing in the recent past it seems.


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

These intense feeling should jolt us into being better people who cherish every day, but we still let the rope slacken. So let's tighten back up and do it for their sake. You know that your type of poetry is beyond my capabilities, but so is the Times cryptic crossword, but i still love having a bash at it. Cheers.


arb profile image

arb 5 years ago from oregon

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. Your poetry is tribute to such a truth. Beautifully done.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

To cherish every day and those in our lives would be the perfect way to deal with death. Thank you for the comment attemtedhumour.

Thank you arb. I hope you're wrong about the healing part.


W. B. Isley profile image

W. B. Isley 5 years ago from Monett, MO

Miss Randy,

It is nice to meet you, as well. Thanks for the picture. It helps me in getting to know someone a little better. I can 'see' the person behind the face. I also do some face reading. You have a wonderful personality. You look just like your Father. The biggest things that I see in the picture are the phrases 'It seemed like a good idea at the time.' and 'I'll do it my way, so don't get in my way unless your gonna help.'

I don't just communicate with the other side. It seems that I live there much of the time. I have ADHD (Attention Dialed to a Higher Dimension.) I am clairsentient, I simply know things about the spirit world. I am what is called a rescue medium. There are "people without bodies" that do not understand what has happened to them. When they make contact with me, it is necessary for them to tell my what happened to them, and so I actually experience the way the died. Then I get to validate what happened to them. I tell them what the White light is for and they move on.

This will come as a shock. You actually are experiencing the spirit world right now. (I am not promoting my hub or making a plug, I want to give info to people who need it.) For my self I recently made peace with the idea that science can verify spiritual beliefs. I have put a small portion of my insights in the hub 'let there be light...' I don't know if you are ready for this info, it is there when you are ready for it.

Science really does verify that we are not made of matter. We are made of energy and that is truly what spirit is, energy. This is why I suggested tuning in to the frequency that your father inhabits now. It is possible for a "mere mortal" to do this, for we are all MORE than that view of human life. Even our body is made of spirit. I am no more special than you because I interact with "people without bodies," I simply have more practice.

I hope you have a wonderful day, Miss Randy. Enjoy.

P.S. I would have sent you the hub reference in some private way. I just don't know how. There are aspects of this site that are confusing.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

I'm curious who's face you were interpreting mine, or Dad's? Thank you for all the information. I am so happy you help those that are stuck in between. I am open to quite a bit actually. If you read my poem "My God Is Better Than Your God," you should get a pretty good idea of me.


W. B. Isley profile image

W. B. Isley 5 years ago from Monett, MO

Technically, I was reading both. You both have the same type of face. My guess is that your mother has a similar face to both of you. It would be amazing that you and your father have such similar faces if your mother had a different face type.

Helping those in between is something I volunteered to do before I came to this plane of existence. My light shines in both dimensions if you will. They can see me just as clearly as someone here on earth can. Growing up with the very limited world view of the Baptist religion was difficult to grow past. I had no one to talk to about this as a child. I didn't come to peace with my gift until my late twenties or early thirties.

My wife and I read the hub you recommended. It was interesting to see how few adults truly understand what it is to be childlike in the comments. Truth simply is. It does not need be embellished or sanitized. If we have the openness of mind to see it for what it is and not jump to value judgments that cloud our view of the 'real' world, life is easier for us.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

My mom died when I was three but I've been told I look like her. Fifteen years after she died, I was even stopped on the street of her town by a stranger who asked if I was her daughter, apparently it was obvious.

Yes I think you're right. But when I find someone who gets it, I'm delighted.


Reflecting Pool profile image

Reflecting Pool 5 years ago from The other side of the coop

I get it! I remember thinking.. after Greg died.. how mean the world was to have the sun rise the next morning.. how could stores open as usual.. how could people carry on when the world had changed so much.. there was a new hole in it and they didn't notice. How mean. Yet it was the fact the sun did rise, and stores did open that showed me that life could continue.. and my 'world with the hole in it' wasn't less important to me, but I could move forward (slowly). Many hugs and carry a few extra tissues.. I know.. I do.

Beautiful and special photo.. thank you for sharing your heart.


saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 5 years ago

Life is fleeting, what's 90or100 years? Yet we bond in our love for each other as humans, we cherish times spent with Mom's and Dad's. We remember the good, the bad and the ugly moments.

We cry, we cheer, laugh out loud, we hurt, we share precious moments of living. We were given tear ducts for a reason, to let the tears flow and cleanse our hurting souls. You let it all out with these very touching gifts you penned here.

I pray that they gave you a healing within by sharing these very poignant words. I to know the feeling of loss and cherish those beautiful moments I spent with them before they passed to the other side of living.

Even though my Dad was not the perfect Dad, he still was my dad and I loved him. A beautiful daughter with her handsome Daddy. Thank you for sharing your love for him here at the Hubs.


W. B. Isley profile image

W. B. Isley 5 years ago from Monett, MO

Wow! I'm gonna guess that your stepmother was not as loving or appropriate as your biological mother would have been. I am sorry for that.

I humbly report that my mom is still on this plane, though for how much longer I do not know. She is getting ready to make the transition, possibly this year. I can't say I'm ready for the transition, and it will come, ready or not.

Dad, in his early 80's, can out work me most days. I believe he will be on this side for a few more years.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Yes a whole in the world that only you can see! That is it exactly. Thank you for the thoughtful comment. Love and light Reflecting Pool.

Morning Saddle, I keep hoping I'm done grieving. Most days I can just talk to him with a smile but some days grief washes over me. Perhaps this did cleanse it from my soul. We will see.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

I LOVE the way you refer to her "transition" WB. I wish Dad could have gone with just a kiss good bye and a see ya later. That would have been lovely instead of the intense pain. But I suppose he picked that for his own reasons.

Yea, step mom number one was not "mom" material. I wrote about her in "The Little Box," "Bath," and "Fuzzy Slippers." I have forgiven her though and we are friends today.


W. B. Isley profile image

W. B. Isley 5 years ago from Monett, MO

I wish my mom's transition could be that easy too. She has been unable to walk for the last maybe ten years, and dad wheels her from bed to the chair in front of the TV and back everyday. She has type 2 diabetes and thanks to lasik she is almost but not entirely blind and never will be.

She can read letters that are about 2 inches high, can watch TV to a degree, it has not been pretty to watch her decline. However, she has done most of this to herself. She was not willing to change her dietary habits and has thus landed right where she is.

From the spiritual perspective, though, I believe that she is carrying a large burden for the people here in this area of the ozarks. I believe that she is a very advanced soul that has volunteered to bear the karma of many other souls. It is a very wonderful thing she is doing for people. She, of course, does not know any of this, and would not believe it if I told her.

Step mom number one! Hmmm, this gets more interesting by the minute. I'm glad you've been able to make peace with her. While I was in therapy for some of the things my parents did to me (totally without knowing,) I went through a period of maybe 6 plus years that didn't contact them at all. Today I count dad as a good friend, and mom and I have had some interesting conversations about 'spooky' stuff lately.


Orange 5 years ago

I am with you in every word that you wrote... I am with you in every tear you shed... want to share somehting that i wrote for my Papa - http://homeofanomad.wordpress.com/2011/05/31/papa-...

hope you find strength... I did after writing this poem...


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thank you Orange. In this we share. Yes I'm getting stronger, Father's Day just sorta side swiped me.


mindlovemisery 5 years ago

Listening to your voice hearing your pain, breaks my heart. Your words are so beautiful. I admire your strength in reading.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thank you mindlovemisery. Almost wasn't able to read them.


Claudia Schönfeld 5 years ago

my dad died when i was 17 and everything went rather quickly. i didn't have a really good relationship with him but still...so esp. the first poem really touched me..


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Claudia I think quickly would be better. My dad battled pancreatic cancer for a year and a half. It is a ridiculously painful disease.


Claudia Schönfeld 5 years ago

just read "keeping tears" and no...i don't think it's disrespect..it's not in the tears but much deeper


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thanks for coming by again Claudia.


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 3 years ago from Canada

Randy, Catharsis in my Pen does not disappoint. I knew from your introduction it would be a solemn read, and I read solemnly, and composed a comment about how difficult it is to write about pain. And then I found the soundcloud link. Of course I had to download a browser to get access, and holy! You reading 'This is not my daddy' is so moving I cried...How wonderful and brave of you to show us the emotion behind the beautiful words. Soundcloud is amazing. And so are you. Thank you Randy! Regards, snakeslane


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 3 years ago from Near the Ocean Author

Thank you snakelane. I had a customer in this weekend ask about my father. I related the story without tears… I was a bit proud of myself.

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