Humor: Computer Antivirus Protection!

My experience renewing Norton Antivirus.

First off, let me admit I'm a yesteryear technology buff. I actually know how to set the timer on the VCR. Woops, I guess they're called DVD players now. Up until recently I used the computer at my tailor-shop to print up bills and to record all that god-awful paperwork. (As far as I was concerned, a waste of hours, just to determine how much money I had to give away in taxes.) Also whenever something looked funny on the screen I had my now-away-at-college-daughter to fix my mess-ups.

Coming home after the holidays from my daughter and Son-in-laws naturally the first thing I had to do was to turn on the computer (I learned that all by myself). Horror of horrors "Your Norton AntiVirus Protection is about to expire..." shows up on the screen. All I wanted was to get to Hubpages, is that too much to ask...? What to do? All my Computer-Gurus (my children) were away, only reachable by crackly cell phones. What to do?

Since I'm by myself now and the dogs are not obliging, I've started giving myself little pep-talks.... "You can do this...How hard can it be? It's just clicking a little button here and another over there...right? It's not as if I have to reprogram the whole computer...right? You can do should be easy"

As that little word slipped out of my mouth 'easy' I knew I had cursed the whole operation. The alternative now was to turn off the computer (I'm still having a little problem with that concept, in my self studies) and wait for my Son, a week or so. What a choice but 'Hubland' can't wait that long; 'Hubland' needs my opinions and comments; the sacrifice has to be made so onward was the obvious choice.

  • Norton: Click her to renew
  • Me: Here? okay "click"
  • Norton: three choices: 1) for 49.98 renew 2) for 54.98 extra protection 3) for 59.99 'Norton 360' overall protection (I assume this is good for viruses, colds and sexually transmitted computer bugs etc.)
  • Me: Only the best for my computer 'Norton 360' "click"
  • Norton: For extra savings let Norton give your computer a tune-up...we will clean out unused blah blah blah...will speed up...
  • Me: I understand tune-up, clean out makes good sense, speed up? now we're talking "click"
  • Norton: enter credit card # etc
  • Me: hesitantly xxxxxx "click"
  • Norton: Please wait 'Symantec' trying to upload
  • Me: Who the hell is "Symantec'? What have I done?
  • Norton: Please wait.............
  • Me: hour later waiting, as I was told, waiting....There is something wrong I just know it ...frantically searching for that Technical Support e-mail address or phone #
  • Norton: Please wait......
  • Me: dialing 1-xxx-xxx-xxxx
  • Norton: Welcome to Norton blah blah blah How can we direct your call : renewal?, Norton 360 ?etc. that's the one... Please stay on the line, your call is important to us... (I'm sure it's more important to me than you...) the next available technical support expert will....
  • Me: 45 minutes later "Haaaloo huu cun I hep yuu"? Me: "Pardon?" Really loud now "HUU CUN I HEP YUU"? Me: "How can you help me" ? "I purchased.....and it's stuck at the "....please wait screen" for more than an hour I explained. "Suury I no no wut yuu say I fuund sum-an ase" Me: "Pardon"? Really loud again "I FUUND SUM-AN ASE" I've been switched off. What the hell does fuund...Oh! 'I find some one else'... maybe?
  • Norton: "Hello how can we help you?" Me: "Thank God you speak English" "Yes!!! How can we help you"? Me: "I purchased........stuck...two hours...."etc. "Well let me see what we can do...what was your order#? Who, what, where, when, how, why, shoe size?" "Now please type in I will take over your screen now, Yes there it is"
  • Me: What does he mean by "...he'll take over my screen" Oh Dear Lord! What have I done? The computer was taken over by a possessed cursor. The little arrow just flitted around here and there
  • Norton over my phone speaker: "Hello are you still there"? "Yes" I croaked. "I will need to clean out a bunch of extras it should take an hour at the most then we will install and tune-up etc I will e-mail when I'm done". "Okay" I think I said.

Keeping a very worried eye on the computer screen which kept blinking, coming on line, going off line, removing Norton 360 now, reinstalling Norton 360 now, going off, coming on, blinking , flicking .....three hours later at around midnight the screen went blank then the white and yellow screen of death stating "...Please wait Symantec loading" an hour or so later poor old 'Symantec' is still begging for patience as he is still hand shuffling every tiny 101010101010101....I wonder why he just doesn't tell everyone to 'byte...'

So what do I do now? The expert told me he would e-mail when he was finished...3:40 AM. I guess I'll wait till morning to call back.

Impatiently I waited till just about 7:50 AM and then dialed the Help # again. Symantec was still wanting to upload. Norton: "How can we help you"?....What, where, when, hat size? I'm an old pro at letting the "expert" doing the driving now. "I have to clean-up...then reinstall etc. He would e-mail when he was done. I had heard all that already, I informed him. Your other Pall left me high and dry in the middle of the night. "I will definitely e-mail I promise" He tells me. The "cursed" cursor flitted and blinked etc. At 1:30 PM an e-mail stated the SHE will still be working on my computer but she is going for a quick lunch. 2:30 PM she's back. At 7:00PM an e-mail stating she was going off shift but Mickey from Sault Saint Marie was going to finish up. After removal and reinstalling of Norton 360 six times at 11:40 PM I got my squeaky clean, maybe a little groggy from all the operations, computer back.

Almost 50 hours later I would say I got my moneys worth. I was not told about the what, where, why, how, when etc. but from my shoe and hat size they, at Norton, were able to determine I was not overweight just under-tall.

As I said right at the start,(don't go back to reread what I said at the start) I'm confident I can do this, I don't need my 'Computer Gurus' it was easy.....(My hair, whatever I didn't pull out, is now snow-white) but I'm Antivirused, de-colded and no type of transferable disease will get near my computer and best of all I'm Speedy Bee for the next year.

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Comments 32 comments

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Hi Merlin nice of you to stop in. When I bought that first computer some years back there were only a few antivirus programs around. The computer with all the special programs I needed for my business etc was a fairly big investment and because I was told that Norton was the best that is what went onto that poor old machine. Lucky for it (the computer) it was able to go to 'puter heaven without any sledge hammer marks or become the new boat anchor with Norton still in tact.

kindest regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Howdy Greek, it now is funny but man-oh-man at the time it sure was one of those 'teach-the-computer-how-to-fly-out-the-window' moments.

I since have a different computer and definitely not Norton-antivirus.

Glad if I was able to give you a couple of chuckles.

greetings to you and yours Zsuzsy

Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

Love it; Glad to see you're not a quitter.

I also agree with Jbeadle's comment above that Norton is almost a virus itself and there are many bits of software it doesn't like. Trouble flairs up as the various providers try to tackle spammers and annoying pop ups individually and clash with Norton in an internal battle on your hard drive.

My computer used to run like syrup with the hard drive always grinding away doing something on its own. When I bothered to look closer it was always Norton running doing its own thing.

It was either a new computer or Norton had to go.

I switched to another Anti Virus provider and virtually re formatted by hard drive and have never looked back.

De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Since I first stumbled on your site, I ahve become addicted to your stories.

I now need my dailly Zsuzsy vitamins and THIS was was certainly a pick-me-up. You made me laugh and i thank you girl.. :-)

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

JBeadle, so glad you stopped in. I have since given up on Norton and as you say it was not an easy chore to get rid of them.

Thank you for commenting.

kindest regards Zsuzsy

JBeadle profile image

JBeadle 6 years ago from Midwest

I know this. Once you have Norton, you'd better keep it. The only thing harder than renewal is removal. That bugger will not be removed without a lot of punishment. It's almost a virus in itself sometimes. It is a very good anti-virus product, one of the best. I just feel if you install it... then it is a life-long commitment.

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks Dale, it is funny now, at the time I was pulling out my hair in bunches if I remember right.

kindest regards Zsuzsy

Dale Mazurek profile image

Dale Mazurek 6 years ago from Canada

Very funny but also very true.

This was most definatly a great read. Love how you mixed a problem that would drive me nuts with humor.

Anyways your hub is now up on my blog and I am happy to have it there.



Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 6 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks for taking a look and for commenting.

regards Zsuzsy

Granny's House profile image

Granny's House 6 years ago from Older and Hopefully Wiser Time

I use it is FREE and it works great. I have used it for years. The only thing is no tech help with the free version but if its doing its job we don't need them . Do we?

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 7 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Charlemont! Glad you came for a visit.

Honestly I don't know why the companies hire people like that. I mean if he's that great with computers which might be, he needs to fine tune his English if he wants to work this type of a job with English speaking people. (Don't get me wrong I have all the patients in the world but at that time I needed to be understood and I needed assurance that I didn't screw-up)

By the time I was able to write this piece it had become funny and my kids still get this wicked grin on their faces whenever anyone mentions anti-virus protection.

regards Zsuzsy

charlemont profile image

charlemont 7 years ago from Lithuania

My dear, their first support person you talked to evidently was not a tech but some cleaner who accidentally happened to be passing near the phone at the time of your call LOL

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks for the sympathy Isabella! By the time I wrote the Hub I had recovered. Then the funny side of things got the better of me, hence the hub.

regards Zsuzsy

Isabella Snow profile image

Isabella Snow 8 years ago

Poor Zuz!! I'm so glad I have a Mac now. :))

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks CGull! Next time I'll hunt around. I will put the name into my files and then next December I'll have the right stuff.

glad you came by

regards Zsuzsy

cgull8m profile image

cgull8m 8 years ago from North Carolina

I am glad you fixed it, next time you should try Kaspersky Virus software they are the best and they don't charge as much as Norton but are more powerful. It is a nightmare without them, you did the right thing.

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Whitney! Sorry I just noticed my posting to your comment never showed up. I'm not sure what I did wrong ...this is the third time things just disappear.

Doesn't one protector fight with the other, or work against each other? I think I read something to that effect somewhere a while back.

thanks for taking a look regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks Kenny! I'm laughing about it now too. (mind you I didn't include the fine usage of some...shall we say colourful lingo polluting the air around my house)

regards Zsuzsy

Kenny Wordsmith profile image

Kenny Wordsmith 8 years ago from Chennai

Lol! Then ROFL!

Sad, Zsuzsy, but my stomach hurts from laughing if you write like this! Still, all's swell that ends swell, and I'm happy that you are a speedy BEE!

Whitney05 profile image

Whitney05 8 years ago from Georgia

I hate that there are so many different anit-virus programs. I have two on my computer. I'll start one scan, which may detect 19 infections, clear them from my harddrive. Start the other program, and it'll find another 10. Why can't one just find them all?!

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Uglydawg! Thanks for laughing with me. Every-days-glitsches are easier to take with a spoon of selfridicule.

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Compu-smart thanks for your comment. As you can tell I'm not too compu-savvy the sales man threw in the antivirus into the deal. Who knew that it was no good?

I've had it for three years now and it never caused me any hardship before..

regards Zsuzsy

uglydawg profile image

uglydawg 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA

Zsuzsy thanks for a most entertaining hub!! yes symantec (norton) is truly evil in my opinion. Eileen has the right idea with AVG... another good free one is AntiVir by Avira both are quite easy to download and install, maybe you will give one of them a thought next time your nortons runs out.

compu-smart profile image

compu-smart 8 years ago from London UK

lol..Im glad you have sorted things out..Norton is nearly an anagram of rotonn!!;)

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Eileen Thanks for taking a look

regards Zsuzsy

Eileen Hughes profile image

Eileen Hughes 8 years ago from Northam Western Australia

What an experience. Personally I dont use nortons anymore as I still got virusus.

So I use the free one AVG and have never had a problem since changing It gets them all for the last 5 years..

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks for taking a look!

regards Zsuzsy

Coeus profile image

Coeus 8 years ago from All over the world and then some.

Great hub, and also affirms my move away from Windows and that whole antivirus thing! :)

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Mr.M. Thanks for taking a look. My philosophy, shrug my shoulders and laugh at my goof ups.

regards Zsuzsy

Zsuzsy Bee profile image

Zsuzsy Bee 8 years ago from Ontario/Canada Author

Thanks Vickey, I have a lot of those excuses If you would like a list just let me know.

regards Zsuzsy

MrMarmalade profile image

MrMarmalade 8 years ago from Sydney

I have laughed and learnt a great amount . Not short on patience just size.

Great humerous hub I knew there was a reason I went off Norton a long time ago.

Great hub welcome back into the world of the sane.

VickeyK profile image

VickeyK 8 years ago

I'm so glad your tale had a happy ending (sort of). I had my round with norton a while ago and was actually glad when my PC had to be replaced--that meant the PC tech (a really sweet guy, btw) would take care of all the anti-virus stuff.

But I am going to remember that "not overweight, just undertall" phrase, and use it frequently!

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