Cooking with ThoughtSandwiches

The dinner portion of dinner over a sink...
The dinner portion of dinner over a sink... | Source
Even Sandwiches like Love...
Even Sandwiches like Love... | Source

Which is the Correct Fork to use with Puffer Fish...?

I’m a guy. I’ve got my signature dish...you know...to impress the ladies. That said...it’s been so long since I’ve dated...my signature dish...fillet and breaded Puffer fish in a light clam sauce...might be a little dangerous to prepare based exclusively on my limited culinary memory skills...the whole zombie poison thing and death. That said...in fact...

I’m reasonably sure...my signature dish for the ladies...was actually a mozzarella-based chicken type affair...was it baked at 350 degrees? Where did I get the idea of Puffer fish...?

I don’t think a lot about food.

I’m more of an eat-it-out-of a can over the sink while staring out the window kind-of-guy. Unless I’m eating cereal...then I’m an eat-it-out-of a bowl while staring out the window kind-of-guy.

I’m the type who understands that the ladies might want something more. I’m an eat-it-out a can while staring out the window...sensitive kind of guy.

I can use silverware and stare across a table just as easily as slurping from a can and staring out a window...I know romance...

Time to up my game...


Upping the game...with a tuxedo and bowler hat...
Upping the game...with a tuxedo and bowler hat... | Source
Ice Sculpting...
Ice Sculpting... | Source
Source
 A Cubist experience, a cubist influence, modern yet bold. Soft colours changing the cubist vision nearly going to the edge of pop art.
A Cubist experience, a cubist influence, modern yet bold. Soft colours changing the cubist vision nearly going to the edge of pop art. | Source

ThoughtSandwiches thinks about Self-Improvement...

It’s hard not to feel the need for self-improvement these days what with the litany of web-sites, books, magazines, friend’s advice, voodoo incantations and available courses dedicated to telling you that you are fucked up and seriously in need of some help.

It’s hard not to self-improve these days what with the litany of web-sites, books, magazines, friend’s advice, voodoo incantations and available courses dedicated to fixing those seriously fucked up and in need of some help.

My search for perfection took me to the class schedule of the local Community College.

Not surprisingly...the registration process didn’t go smoothly. The cooking class I had intended to enroll in was full. I took an ice sculpting class in its stead. My thought being...culture is culture. I was wrong...

Ice sculpting is a bitch.

My career in the Frigid Arts Department didn’t last long. Frigid Arts teachers don’t have a sense of humor. That became obvious after I handed in my first assignment. Theoretically...she wanted a swan. I kept messing up the swan’s genital region and had to start over. Until I had my conceptual breakthrough that is...

“That is not a swan.” Complained my Frigid Arts instructor as she stared down at my offering on the desk. I could hear several other students snigger derisively.

Enthralled with my creative approach...I stoutly defend my artistic vision.

“Perhaps not in the standard mallard type way...but this...” I leave off artistically...unwilling to force my vision on these troglodytes.

“A mallard is a duck...I wanted a swan. This is neither.” From the teacher.

“Where’s the head?” Asks a fellow student doubtfully.

“In the sand my friend...in the sand.” I state smugly in a vague artistic kind of way...

“Wouldn’t that be an ostrich?” Fired back the student.

“I don’t know for ostriches...the assignment was for a swan.” I wondered where all the hostility and hate was coming from.

“That is not a swan.” Repeated the professor.

We all turned and looked at my creation...I had gone Cubist. On my desk was a plate with thirty-six ice cubes neatly arranged in a pyramid. Bracketing the plate were the blue ice-cube trays from which I had extracted them. My Blue Period.


Leaving Ice Sculpture Class...
Leaving Ice Sculpture Class... | Source
Waiting for a class...
Waiting for a class... | Source
Campus Security...
Campus Security... | Source

A Rude Denouement...

I won’t go into the details. I was asked to leave. Sure...I could go into details...”Got the cold shoulder,”“ Teacher was an ice queen,” “I was treated in a fowl fashion as regards my Swan sculpture.” I could but I won’t. I left the room trailing ice-cubes, drips of water, and my pride...

I glumly loitered outside the cooking class that I should have been enrolled in before heading to the school’s registration office...

I was working “The Board”.Computer generated lists of available, closed, and canceled classes which hung across the wall. Students, earning the ‘work-study’ portion of their financial aid packages, were continuously updating the information with new sheets of computer paper...

I would follow each one of them and, as they dutifully earned their minimum hourly wage, I would walk between their legs, purring like a cat, rubbing along their shins, waiting for them to allow me a peak at the latest update...

I needed to find a class fast. Before one of them actually called campus security as several had threatened to do. I suppose I could just stop walking in-between their legs...

“You!” Hollered one who had earlier been quick to play the 9-1-1 card. “You wanted a cooking class, right?”

I bustled over...

“I did! I was hankering for Cooking 101?” I ask hopefully.

“Your in luck...there’s two openings.” She confirms while keeping her distance.

I begin to purr...

“Some idiot dropped a bunch of ice-cubes outside the door and two students slipped and fell. They had to be rushed to the hospital.Broken arms...broken legs...” She fills me in.

“I see...”


Source
Source

Cooking 101 Class...

The rest of the students were dressed normal. I went the funky chef hat route...tilted to the side (the correct side I was assured by my friends before heading off to class), see-through plastic apron...and a bubble umbrella. Of course...these were the friends who suggested wearing the chef hat...?

There was one student dressed odder than myself. The guy sitting next to me. He was dressed in the full-blown regalia of a High Voodoo Priest. A strange choice for Reno, Nevada this time of year.

I was worried. Not so much about the voodoo guy...he seemed relatively benign. No. My concern was one of sensitivity. I think voodoo is a religion and I rarely like to include controversial topics...politics...religion...into my light-hearted affairs.

Nominally, I would be a lapsed Catholic (if anyone were to care). There was a time when I was a practicing Catholic...but I never got any better at it so I began practicing writing instead. Perhaps I should return to the church...

“What up?” I acknowledge my neighbor’s presence in a collegian fashion.

“I just fucked off my chemistry quiz.” he groused.

“That sucks,” I commiserate.“ What’s your major?”

“Voodoo Zombie-ism Studies. With an emphasis on incantation and potions.”

“That’s a major?”

“No. Certificate program. Skittles? ”He asked as he reaches over with a hand-full of the delightful candy treats. The bracelet of small bones he is wearing makes a dull clacking sound.

“Are those cat bones?” I ask.

He gives me a look as if I had lost my mind before correcting me. “Puffer fish bones.”

“Really?


Phil...
Phil... | Source

A Brief Conversation with Phil...

“Oh yes...the venom of the Puffer fish is instrumental in the making of zombies.” He confides.

We got to talking.I introduced myself...

“My name’s Phil.” He says.

“Phil?” I deadpanned. “I can’t say that I have ever met a High Voodoo Priest named Phil.”

“My parents were hippies.” He admitted. “They named my sister Harmonic.”

“Phil-Harmonic?” I ask doubtfully.

“Right?”

“What does Harmonic do?”

“She’s an investment banker.”

“You know...that’s twice today that Puffer fish has...”


Cooking...with ThoughtSandwiches...
Cooking...with ThoughtSandwiches... | Source
Dinner...to impress...Puffer fish...
Dinner...to impress...Puffer fish... | Source
Source

The Lesson Plan...

I am interrupted by the teacher who sweeps into the room...She writes a question on the board....

How can a bad mood be detected in what a chef is cooking?

My hand shoots up faster than Arnold Horshack in the old ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ TV show...

I receive the nod.

“That slight saliva taste from when they spit in your food?” I offer robustly.

Awkward silence...

“Anyone else,” She asks hopefully...

A woman in the front raises her hand...

“I have found that the best meals I have ever cooked have come from a place of peace, or absolute happiness and love.I believe you are more patient and do a better job when your mind is at ease...” She finishes by giving me a look over her shoulder...

Awkward silence...

“I went another direction with that question.” I admitted to the class, embarrassed. My chef hat droops ingloriously.

The teacher was classy. Not like those in the Frigid Arts Department. “That’s alright! Now that you know my thinking, do you have anything to contribute?”

I thought about the time the can-opener broke while trying to open a can of Spaghetti-os. I was forced to go at it with a Philips screwdriver for forty-five minutes of hacking before gaining access to the nourishing little O’s within...

The kitchen looked like a scene from Dexter that day. I was in a bad mood that day...still...once bitten...twice shy...

“No, ma’am.”

“Well if something occurs to you...just jump in.” She said enthusiastically.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“For this assignment,” She began her lecture, “It is very important for the chef to embrace their inner calm. Today...we are going to learn how to prepare a fillet and breaded Puffer fish dish. In a light clam sauce...”

Three times! Phil gives me a knowing look...and more Skittles.


Leaving Cooking 101 Class...
Leaving Cooking 101 Class... | Source
Clean the Kitchen as you go...
Clean the Kitchen as you go... | Source

A Ruder Denouement and Possible Criminal Complaints...

The lecture part of the class lasted forty-five minutes. I took copious notes, drew pictures of the cuts, noted cooking temperatures, I was being a student...

After the lecture portion we split into paired study-buddies and went to our cooking stations. Phil and I were partners.

Everything required for the making of a fillet and breaded Puffer fish dish, in a light clam sauce, was waiting for us.

Knives (for filleting), breaded stuff (for breading), a dish, and the most disgusting fish I had ever seen (Puffer fish). The clams were waiting to be lightly sauced up.

Preparing the Puffer fish was harder than my notes suggested.

It was like trying to nail Jell-O into ice...

Long story short...I lost control of my Puffer fish.

I won’t go into the details. I was asked to leave. Sure...I could go into details...”I lost control of my Puffer fish, Teacher was blinded by Puffer fish poison,” “A small fire was started when Phil’s Puffer fish self-combusted.” I could but I won’t.I left the room trailing Puffer fish entrails, drips of clam sauce, and my pride...Oh...and by mistake...Phil’s back-back...


HOSPITAL!!  STAT!!
HOSPITAL!! STAT!! | Source
Hope she feels better...
Hope she feels better... | Source
Phil's Chemistry book...
Phil's Chemistry book... | Source
Source
Stomach pump...
Stomach pump... | Source
Zombies...
Zombies... | Source

A Lovely Dinner...Short Ambulance Ride...and...

I was in the waiting room of the local hospital. I would say that up until the time she began having the seizures...she was having a good time. She was pretty and I liked her. I think I may have nearly killed her with an improperly prepared Puffer fish dish...

The hospital was busy. The bustle of the professionals contrasted with the shambling of the patients. The visitors...waiting out grandpa’s aneurism (or what not) were resigned to their vigil. I sat among them. If I remember correctly (as I said...it’s been awhile since I dated)...But, as date nights go for me...this one wasn’t too bad...

I had been waiting about three hours. Being the type of person who will always attempt to mine a silver lining out of a grey cloud...I grabbed my backpack for my notebook and pen. There was always a chance that I could parlay this into a small tale. A cautionary tale to be sure...but still...

This wasn’t my back-pack. I moved past the smell emanating from the bag to see what was within. Small bones. Un-descript tuffs of hair. Chemistry book, bags of Skittles, and a Voodoo doll. I pulled out a bag of Skittles and the Voodoo doll. The Skittles were tasty and the doll resembled me. I was looking at the tiny ice-cube trays dangling from the figurines hands when things began to click...was Phil’s presence not a coincidence? I felt manipulated. What did it mean...?

My ruminations were cut short when I very tired looking doctor came up to me...

“You the guy who brought in the pretty Puffer fish girl?” He asked.

“Yeah. Is she O.K.? Can I see her?” I ask worriedly.

He frowns at this suggestion. “She’s through the worst of it. I don’t believe she want to see you though.”

“Did I fuck up the Puffer fish?”

“No...no. Your preparation of the Puffer fish was superb. Spot on, in fact, I would say. No. You bought bad clams for the light clam sauce.”

“Oh...”I thought about the street-side clam vendor that I had patronized...under that bridge...

The doctor continued, “Well...unfortunately...prior to diagnosing the clam sauce issue...we treated her for Puffer fish poison.”

He explained to me the details involving gastric lavage and activated charcoal treatment. I had him explain it again. Two more explanations, a stick figure drawing, and a short informational video later...I knew my date was over for the evening...

“Oh yeah. No. You’re done for the night cowboy.” Said the doctor, “May as well hang-up your spurs. Between your clams and our misdiagnoses...that poor girl is fucked up.”

I told the doctor that I would wait. He didn’t seem to care one way or the other.

What do you do for a girl you nearly poison? A card seems trite. Balloons...equally so. A stomach pump would prove redundant at this stage of the game, not to mention, it might reinforce any negative impressions she may be harboring against me...

I would like to say that the scream was my first indication that something was amiss. It wasn't. I was in a hospital...everyone was screaming. Fact being...I screamed earlier when the vending machine took my 35-cents and didn’t give me my coffee. No. That wasn’t the warning...

ZOMBIE ATTACK!”

That was the warning that clued me in...I thought of the poor helpless girl lying in the hospital bed. My hesitation lasted less than a nano-second...this was a new reality. Zombies. Normal zombie rules apply. Lose the weak.

I ran for an exit wondering how my date plans had suddenly become a Halloween story...


More by this Author

  • Train, Rain, and Pain
    105

    Recent business reverses force me to reappraise my writing career. My ill-advised attempts to ‘corner’ the Internet has led to the ownership of twenty-three copies of The Game of Monopoly, near insolvency,...

  • Fear and Loathing on the Paper Route
    95

    The evening had started out inauspiciously enough. I had just started reading Hunter S. Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas when my roommate, Erika, had come into the room. “We were just outside...

  • Mrs. Leonard was a Bitch
    91

    I’m attempting to solve one of the greatest mysteries of the universe and I sit here befuddled and perplexed. Like the obscure rise and fall of Hub scores...occasionally...perplexed would surge and the rankings...


Comments 86 comments

RealHousewife profile image

RealHousewife 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Hilarious! First - I was really buying into a cooking kinda dude (and a sensitive one at that!) doubly impressed you would delve into puffer fish preparation. I was thinking - wow! Now that's culinary balls - talent!

Very funny - I laughed all the way through! I love how you slip in the subltle humor - like "She was pretty and I liked her.". Voted up and all that!


Just Ask Susan profile image

Just Ask Susan 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

This was really funny! Have you ever done stand up comedy? I think this hub would do really well in a comedy club :)


Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

What kind of community college do you have in your area? I want to take a cooking class with a voodoo priest named Phil! I'd even settle for an ice sculpting class. What great variety your college has to offer!


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

Phil-harmonic and your blue period of ice cube trays....hahahahahaha!

Someone voted useful. Hmmm. How not to attend class?


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

LMAO!! You are a riot!! How many personalities do you have? Have you ever attempted to count and name them? :-))) Thank you for the laughs!!


Don Bobbitt profile image

Don Bobbitt 5 years ago from Ruskin Florida

Dude! Great! I loved it! Voted up and funny! It takes a unique diet to generate the necessary chemicals for a mind to go where yours has obviously been! I hope you eventually make the trip back OK!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Wow. Let me start by saying I hit publish (with serious doubts) and went to the store. I come back from the story and, wow. I'm very glad you all liked it. Now...individual chats...

@Real...I can be brave when I have to be, hence, the puffer fish attempt. In retrospect...the next girl will get the mozzarella chicken-type affair! I can be sensitive although at the end...the zombie attack put me in a bad light. Still...zombie rules apply... Thanks for the great comment!

@Susan...thanks for the compliment but I'm not sure stand-up is my venue...the barrage of tomatoes would prove too immediate... I hope you feel better after your recent injury!! Please come back any O time.

@Jeannie...It's a privately funded community college in the back of my brain that is 'physically' located in Reno. I will see if they have on-line courses for you! I always love when you take the time to run your cynical eye across my latest attempt so please come back!

@Flora...lol...I am always amazed when I garner a 'useful'. I have to assume it comes when the mouse spastically alights on it as it is being rushed to the 'flag' button. Still...i cherish each one. I thank you for your visit and kind words!

@Sunshine...I tried once to name the various cranium-dwellers that I have accumulated over the years. This was, less for reasons of introspection, than an attempt to fairly split up who was to pay what for rent. Negotiations broke-down...so I came to Hubpages. The laughs are free my friend...stop by any time!

@Don...It may be from the lead in the cans. It may be from the occasional use of drugs...the path back may be murky...you are welcome to come along! Also, thanks...the hope that I someday make it back is sweet. You may be surprised...it's not the first time I've heard it...


Imogen French profile image

Imogen French 5 years ago from Southwest England

Excellent - the most original thing I have read on Hubpages to date, and the first to make me laugh quite so much. Very enjoyable, thanks :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Imogen...I am very glad I was able to supply a laugh this afternoon! Thanks for the visit and kind comments!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

Hi, this was hilarious! lol made my night! remind me not to get you to cook! or make ice sculptures.....!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Nell...well grab a can and stand over the sink with me! We could get pizza...

I am very glad I was able to happy-up your evening and, more importantly, thanks for stopping by and telling me!

Thomas


Xenonlit profile image

Xenonlit 5 years ago

Well, I'm a fan!


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Man you write fast Thought Ha-ha. Hey, you serve puffer fish to the ladies you won't have to worry about what to serve next where you'll be going. And how does one mess up an ice-sculpted swan's genital area? Gee but thats a tough break with the class n all though. Yikes! Things broke back your way with cooking class 101 and bad clams will do it every time. Wicked good my friend. Sick actually. But it was one hell of a Halloween encore!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Xenonlit...Welcome to cooking school! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the stop by and the great comment!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alastar...

I feel somewhat like a whore what with jumping on the whole holiday band-wagon things for writing ideas...what's ya gonna do? Too bad...she was pretty and I liked her.

I am very glad you enjoyed the latest offering my friend. Your kind words are always welcome!

Thomas


Arlene V. Poma 5 years ago

Thomas, I am late to your party, but I enjoyed this piece so much. No one will let me in their classroom because they won't deal with my jammies, bathrobe, and fuzzy slippers. Oh, no--I won't go to class! Here's for some howling on a Saturday night over your wonderful writing and having the neighbors wonder what I'm up to. So what else is new at Arlene's house??? Nothing really, but dishes and laundry. Voted up and all the little keys you generously punch for me. Keep writing, Reno man!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Arlene...

You may be late but we certainly saved you a seat! I spent a lot of time in history classes of various sorts...not many hands-on type courses, however. I can only imagine that this is how they would have ended had I enrolled in em.

My Saturday sounds similar to your own...I'm mostly contemplating the upcoming 10 months of Reno winter and thinking about who I want to kill...should it come to that...five months into it. Dark thoughts? Perhaps.

I'm glad I was in a position to entertain you and annoy the neighbors in one fell swoop. The unemployed get their thrills where they can. Thanks for the visit, votes, and pleasantries!

Have a great night!

Thomas


Kewl profile image

Kewl 5 years ago from Mumbai, India

Ha ha ha, Good one..


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi kewl...

Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to leave a comment. I'm glad you liked it!


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Unbelievable! You're imagination is freakin genius. At least I HOPE it's your imagination. You're going places my friend, (doing my best Bogart impersination) You iz cool my friend!

jim


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Jim...

Gotta say...some part imagination...some part bad clams...that said...I am very glad you liked it.

OK...I saw you got your act together...put out a hub...I shall be hitting it later this afternoon to bask in your political discourse and actually real thinking stuff...I look forward to it...just as I always look forward to your kind comments my friend!

Thanks!

Thomas


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

I think I'm speechless...quite a little story we have here... standup comic might be a good idea...but are you sure you fixed the puffer fish correctly and it wasn't your date who was the zombie!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi homesteadbound...

I will have to rely on the doctor's assurances that the puffer was OK.

I have to think if you are strapped to a hospital bed...IV's going in and out...during a zombie attack that...if she wasn't a zombie going in...she ended up as one before the night is over. Sad.

I'm very glad you had an opportunity to pop in and take a peek at my 'holiday' attempt at hub making!

Have a great night!

Thomas


phdast7 5 years ago

I laughed out loud...I am still laughing out loud. Great story, great imagination, great sense of humor....and you live in Reno? Somehow it never occurred to me that Nevada was home to the humorous. Just kidding ...a feeble attempt. :) You really are very good.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi phdast7...

That is actually a common misconception...truth is...you HAVE to have a sense of humor to live in Reno. That said...there is some funny folks here. I'm actually a transplant...via the Midwest and California. It seems to work.

I am very glad that you found this enjoyable...just so you know...I ain't forgot...I'm looking forward to Part 2 of GIs/Germans and part 3 when it comes...I have been buried putting together silly stuff as you see above. I DO plan on getting to it!

Seriously, thanks for the stop by and the comment...as a writer you understand the import!

Have a great night!

Thomas


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

After witnessing your ice sculpture project firsthand (I would like to let the readers know that everything is tested true) it seems like the practice paid off. You returned refilled ice trays into the freezer and took on step forward on your mission to impress.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jaime...

Thank you for providing the necessary proof..sadly...that picture I took...yeah...the phone wouldn't send the picture to my email. Too many (something technical)it said. Stupid Sprint. Thanks for the stop by and read my good room mate!

Thomas


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

YOU! I love the visual of you hacking at the Spaghetti-Os with the screwdriver! I think I may have had a similar experience getting into a can, with slight difference. I think I used an old fashioned soda can opener, - the kind which made V-shaped holes, - going around the circumference with Vs to get into the chili can. Messy business!

And - oh my gosh - this whole scenario . . . sooooo funny!! What an absurdly funny imagination! I've seen professional comics who were lame by comparison.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Nellieanna...

lol...as I was reading your V-hole story I remembered one of my own. Also, I had an experience with one of those army can-openers...little slab of metal thing...with a hooky thing? Crazy efficient actually!

To be honest for years I just ate out at fast food...recently I started eating salads...I have heard good things...I'll let you know...

I'm very glad you liked my bizarre kitchen thoughts. Occasionally I will hit the 'publish now' button thinking..." Is this one just too weird?" No really...I do...

Thanks for coming by and taking the time to exchange memories!

Thomas


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

You are the master of off-beat humor! Up and across the board!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Will...

Coming from the short story master...your words are especially nice to hear. Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment!

Thomas


LeeGenchrist profile image

LeeGenchrist 5 years ago from Northeast

This was really out there, I liked it. Thanks for the laugh.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Lee...

First off...It is very nice to meet you and I would like to thank you for the follow and kind fan mail. I intend to reciprocate upon my conclusion here and I look forward to reading your hubs as well.

As for the above...yeah...lol...it is out there but I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks for the stop-by and comment!

Thomas


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

I must admit I got a little distracted upon reading this.... "I went the funky chef hat route...tilted to the side (the correct side I was assured by my friends before heading off to class), see-through plastic apron...and a bubble umbrella." I know have visions of you wearing nothing but a see-through apron and a crooked chef hate while waving an umbrella through the air. I think you might even be singing the song "Singing in the Rain. I don't know how I came up from all of this off a story of Puffer Fish and clam sauce, but I did. But, that being said, you might be better off just wearing the outfit, forgoing the cooking and just putting on a show for your date. Then again, you might not have come in contact with a zombie attack. Glad you have survived so far.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi barbergirl 28...

I must admit...I kept it vague because I didn't want to ruin Puffer Fish for anyone with unappreciated visuals. You appeared to have tapped into the vision that came to me when I wrote it. I apologize.

Your umbrella show idea, in lieu of cooking, it duly noted. It has merit. Not in a hub or nothing...you know...private stuff I'm saying. That said...the plastic apron is chafing...

Congrats to you on your continued work out...I am very impressed! I apologize...I have been throwing together stuff and have fallen behind on my reading. Still waiting on the wedding invite. I'm sure it's a zip code mix-up thing.

Keep your own head down...as you know...zombie attacks are rarely localized. And then of course...you have Garden Gnomes...

Thomas


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

Thomas - days later and I am still envisioning the chef hat and see through apron. For some odd reason, I find myself wanting one. The see through apron. I think it would be cool to be able to see my awesome workout clothes while I make something completely inedible so that I can continue with my weight loss health kick! Yep - that is how I roll.

Believe me - I don't mind the weird visuals. That is why I like stopping over here so often because you are completely crazy. Oh yeah - and I am trying to steal back a mountain dew. Seriously man... do you ever keep the stuff stocked!!! LOL

As for the zombie attacks - I am getting myself prepared!


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Wow, man...!!!

I'm really sorry HP doesn't feature an ADORE button - that's all I'm gonna say!

Amazing stuff!!!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

barbergirl...I actually specialize in weird visuals and so I am happy that you found a one-stop shop for such things!

It has occurred to me that if you chose to go see-through apron for the wedding (with tasteful umbrella of course) you wouldn't need to work out that hard because...you know...it's all open in the back...no squeezing and what not!

On the Dew front...I do drink them as fast as I can get them in here. I will stash one aside for you. If I forget that I stashed it...or where I stashed it...it should be here when you arrive!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hey nemanjaboskov...

By my accounts...this is the third hub (of mine) you have read today...that my friend...is the legal limit in Nevada. Just saying... I'm very glad that they continue to entertain!

Thomas


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

Hey, Thomas

It's now 04:20 am here, I have spent the better part of last evening working and reading your hubs whenever I needed some inspiration to go on with the same old boring pieces I have to write as a freelance writer...

I'm really thankful, as you have helped me go through a very boring batch of articles with a keyword 'snapfish coupons' :)

Just two more to write and I'm off to bed..

Again, thank you very much, my dear, quite mad friend :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Thomas - I hope you never hesitate to hit the publish button due to the weirdness or anything else. Your style is truly delightful! You're an original, for sure! I do imagine we all wonder at times what we think we're doing when we hit the 'publish now' button, though. I mean, I think 'where do I get off thinking anyone would care to read this?' as I go on and risk it. I guess I've outgrown some of my frights. :-)

(And, trust me - healthy eating pays off. So keep looking into it! Fast food does too; - but with undesirable results. )


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Neman...

So Serbia has a 04:20 a.m. as well, huh? I find that interesting...

I have to say kudos to you good sir...'snapfish coupons'sounds...different...the fact that there would be a 'batch' of them...I find that quite astounding.

I daresay, however, that I will need to get a handle on the whole keyword thing should I wish to actually make money this way...some day.

Still...I have fun writing these little pieces that have no chance of scoring a Google hit, even if, I were to throw it under a Google bus.

I'm glad my madness helped you travel your travails...you have more than paid me back with your kind words.

Sleep well in Serbia my friend.

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Nellieanna...

I thank you and your words will go a long way in allaying my fears next time I go for the 'Publish Now' button.

The doubt typically occurs when I know I just wrote "whatever" to exorcise my momentary need to type the word...'glurb' or whatnot.

I should think, however, that I will continue to write as I have a number of weird words I would like to explore. You are very correct (and wise) some of the fear is gone.

In that I am going through that 2/3rd life crises thing (mid-life crises would suggest a check-out time of 94)...I started the whole eating better things...thing about a year ago...working out...yada-yada...yeah...it has value.

This writing thing is my latest exploration of the 2/3rd life crises stuff.

I can't afford a Porsche...

You have a great evening my friend!

Thomas


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Ah. I can't afford a Porsche either but suspect they're overrated as modifiers of whatever parts of life one is inclined to try to modify. Kicking words around probably has far more likely benefits in actually expanding the good stuff, rather than merely modifying the objectionable stuff, anyway. And it's affordable. :-)

My earliest allowable checkout time is 100. I'm further than 2/3rds along toward it, but who's counting?

Thank you, Thomas; - it is a great evening! They all are. There'll be at least 7300 of them remaining, but compared to the 29,200 already spent, they're tapering off!

OK - so I counted . . . But you started it. ;->


barbergirl28 profile image

barbergirl28 5 years ago from Hemet, Ca

I need your inspirational weirdness. I promised to write a funny off the wall humored hub about a T-shirt and how it saved my life!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Nellieanna...

I suppose I did start the counting thing...that said...you seem to be very good at it...all those numbers....seem to be actual numbers, whereas, I was just bluffing.

Well played my friend...well played.

I do enjoy kicking the occasional word about and you are right...those cars are truly overrated. I guess that's why they lost both those wars...

Your happy presence and upbeat words mean the world my friend!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Barbergirl...

Did you receive that inspirational weirdness from seeing this hub? Or...is there more work to do? Please let me know.

Too bad...I had a great idea for a story...but the t-shirt was the bad guy in that one...

Thomas


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...your hubs are like brilliant journeys for the mind and soul full of whimsy, insight, philosophy, wit and charm - I would personally like to frame them and put them into the Hub Louvre for all to see and read - because they define and yet take the Hub genre into new and exciting directions so I will post this gem to my Facebook page with a direct link back here - and send you warm wishes and good energy from lake erie time ontario canada 3:09pm


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Epigramman...

Thank you, as always, for the very kind words and I send back warm wishes and good energy from Reno. Before using them...you may want to rinse them off...they come from Reno.

On any day that I am able to attract the interest of such a writer, as yourself, well...I am indeed honored. It might indicate end-of-day stuff too...I should pack...

Thanks!

Thomas


truthfornow profile image

truthfornow 5 years ago from New Orleans, LA

With no other option at hand, I attempted to open a can with a knife one time. It did not work out. Love the twists and turns of your story. Very funny and creative.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Hi Marie...

Knives almost never work well...best to go more blunt force trauma...you know...in my experience.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to pass an eye over my latest thing here and the follow!

I'm looking forward to your 'mental health' hubs...you probably know why.

Thanks!

Thomas


b. Malin profile image

b. Malin 5 years ago

If you can keep the Women Laughing, and you do ThoughtSandwiches, then I don't think it matters what you can Cook! You have such a Clever, Creative Mind...Very, Very, Off Beat...I Love it! I now look forward to following your Hubs.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

b. malin...

First off..I saw you mentioned in our dear friend, Attemptedhumour's, awesome 'Holiday Odyssey' and I was reminded that I had wanted to follow you for some time. Of course...I then forgot again until I saw your name today. Very, very nice to meet you!

Regarding luck with the ladies 'absent any cooking skills' ...I shall certainly let you know but I appreciate your optimism!

I am very glad you liked my offering here and I'm glad you like off-beat. Please be sure to let me know if it becomes...too...offbeat. That does happen.

I look forward to reading your Hubs and becoming friends.

Thomas


Gerg profile image

Gerg 5 years ago from California

You, Mr. TS, are an outstanding writer - you remind me of a cross between Dave Berry, Carl Hiaasen and Christopher Moore. Awesome creation - loved it!

G


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Gerd...

You have chosen two of my favorite authors and have apparently suggested a third (Christopher Moore) to compare me with...wow. They are way better then me but I still really like what you have to say, my good friend (laughing).

I am very glad you got to see my culinary skills in action! Have a great evening!

Thomas


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 5 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

Oh! this was fun, Thomas. I love it!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Phyllis...

I am very glad you enjoyed, my rather pathetic attempts, to "class-up" my act...I find that I am a work in progress!

Thank you for your visit and wonderful comment!

Thomas

PS...It is a pleasure to meet a fellow-ette Hubber from Reno! I would love to get coffee and explore Julia's old stomping grounds!


Phyllis Doyle profile image

Phyllis Doyle 5 years ago from High desert of Nevada.

You are welcome! The holidays are going to be quite busy for me with such a large family. Maybe after the first of the year, if the snows are not heavy, we can meet in VC for coffee. Contact me, so we can chat about it.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Phyllis...

That sounds perfect...snow is the bane of my existence...but we can probably squeeze something in! Take care and have a wonderful evening!

Thomas


emichael profile image

emichael 5 years ago from New Orleans

Your brain is a fascinating place...

:)

Love this.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

emichael...

Thank you for your kind words my friend and I would just like to comment on how "politely" phrased your comment is! Very polite considering...!

Thanks!

Thomas


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland

I didnt realize this Hub was published a few months ago so I thought we were going with the whole Valentine's Day article about a romantic dinner and all. But we went from eating out of a can to an ostrich/swan to voodoo and the hospital with...zombies?! You're too funny!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Ardie...

How odd...It never occurred to me to write about a romantic dinner for Valentine's Day. I really need to Up my Valentine awareness I suppose. This was my romantic zombie story...

Thanks for reading!

Thomas


Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

I love your writing! As always, I start laughing around the second sentence and can't stop. Thanks for the Friday Afternoon Chuckles! Voted up and funny.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Marcy...

Well welcome to my world of dating my friend! Too bad too...I had a good feeling going into that one...

Thanks for the read and votes! Have a great weekend!

Thomas


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

someone shared this on Facebook and I am so glad they did. it is the funniest hub ever!!! Your writing is excellent. and your story the best.. so entertaining and I laughed my butt off.. sharing again

Debbie


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Deborah,

It is wonderful to see you again! Thank you for the warm words of kindness here...it's a VERY nice way to wake up as I'm sure you can imagine! I'm very glad you got a giggle and got a chance to see Truman be a hero!

Thomas


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 4 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Thomas so sorry I have been tardy as of late.. Been so busy.. been to my second home in Texas went to Mexico had a blast in between all the bullets flying.. Lol just kidding.. need to write a hub about that. Bless you my friend.. I will try and catch up

Debbie


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Deborah,

Gosh...you have absolutely NO reason to apologize! In fact, I am so far behind that I'm in real danger of being in the lead once the pack comes swinging back around...lol. I noted your trip to Mexico on FB. It sounded fabulous! Oh...Happy belated!!

Thomas


rcrumple profile image

rcrumple 4 years ago from Kentucky

Thomas -

Exceptional... the introduction of the High Voodoo Priest was genius. Your callbacks are perfectly spaced and the power of three used as needed, never in excess. Great Job!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Richard,

Thank you my friend! Your kind words have left the impression that I am competent!

That said...and not to seem like a moron...(too late)...what is the "power of three" mean? Any aptitude in that regard MAY have been blind luck!

Thank you for visiting!

Thomas


rcrumple profile image

rcrumple 4 years ago from Kentucky

Thomas,

In comedy writing, the power of three is when you use three items to make a punchline, with each adding to the other's magnitude. You do this often, but not excessively. What you're really good at is adding a kicker after the third item you list. It adds power to the joke. On stage, it's a three to five second pause between them all. Some may call them by different names, but the principles the same. If it's blind luck, "Oh Lordy, I can see! I can see!" Good job, my friend!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Richard...

lol...yup...it was pure blind luck! I had no idea that was all involved but you can be damn sure that I'm off to go update my resume!

Thank you for the explanation my friend and for your awesome words, kindness, and support! They are all greatly appreciated.

Thomas


phdast7 profile image

phdast7 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Thomas - Its been a year and this holds up very,very well. Lots of laughter, just like the first time. You must donate your body to science when the time comes (hopefully not for many decades yet). I remain convinced that the inside of your head is fundamentally different from the inside of most heads. I envision some young medical researcher winning a Nobel, or some such prize, based on their study of your brain. You must give them a chance. :) Hope you are doing well. ~~Theresa


Daisy Mariposa profile image

Daisy Mariposa 4 years ago from Orange County (Southern California)

Thomas,

A Facebook group to which I belong is posting recipe Hubs today, and I thought of you. Why? I'm not certain...


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Thomas......I'm enormously grateful to Daisy for sharing this "older" hub of yours. I see now, that you started out here, just as sick and twisted as you are today. I had thought, for your sake, that the more recent hubs I read, were as a result of a break down or temporary slip of your grasp on reality.

The truth is, I hadn't mustered the courage to read any more of your hubs. After the physical and mental damage they caused me, my Dr. advised against it. Yet, here I am, a glutton for punishment.

All the same pain again....the aching jaw and strained ligaments in my face....the crunching charlie-horse, shooting up and down my abs....and not to be taken lightly....the tears running down my cheeks, that have depleted my potassium level.

Have you no shame?.............You are the funniest writer in the Universe.........


Mike Robbers profile image

Mike Robbers 4 years ago from London

This hub is truly original and funny :) Fab story, freakin imagination and amazing sense of humor , well done!!

thanks a lot, sharing and voting


molometer profile image

molometer 4 years ago

I'd like to give the 'frigid arts teacher' a piece of my mind, but i haven't got enough to go around as it is.

lol

Michael


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

LOL to Daisy's comment and Effer's too! Thomas, you are loved :)


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

i don't know what the hell you're eating- (or smoking) - but - i want some!

You're hilarious and i'm glad this was reposted!


snakeslane profile image

snakeslane 4 years ago from Canada

Omg Thoughts! I don't know how I missed this first time around, but I see you are featured on the Hubs 'All Topics' page, and rightly so, because this Hub covers pretty much every hot topic imaginable. Zombies, Cooking, dating advice, and ice sculpting...Is there no limit to your relevant (erm sordid) writing repertoire? Apparently not! Regards, snakeslane


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Wow...thank you all for such a great response for this little missive!

@ Theresa...I'm hard put to believe that it has been a year, huh?! I am fully prepared to donate my body to science and that will include whatever part of my brain I end up not using before I pass! I am doing well my friend and it's wonderful to see you! I hope all is going great for you!

@ Daisy Mariposa...like you...I'm uncertain as to why you would have picked this one too!! lol...that said...you have ignited quite a bit of interest in this dusty old tome! Thank you for sharing and I hope (beyond hope) that no one actually tries to replicate this recipe! Take care Daisy!

@ Paula...alas...no...I have no shame! It's wonderful to see you my good friend and I feel very bad for the depleted potassium levels (hands her a banana) ! Just between you and me...turns out...I've been weird for awhile!

@ Mike Robbers...Hello good sir! I'm very glad you liked this one and it inspired a giggle or two out of you! Thank you for the wonderful comment and share!

@ Michael...that frigid arts teacher was a cold-hearted bitch! lol...the lack of any mind to share is what saved her from a scathing retort on my part as well! Thank you for stopping by!

@ Linda...lol...I feel VERY loved! I've been MIA for a hot minute now and this was a wonderful thing to wake up to! I hope you are doing great!

@ Imkarn23...ahhh...the great eating or smoking debate. You are MORE than welcome to come share a can of spaghetti- O's and a bong with me if you would like! We'll get to the bottom of this question! Thank you for stopping by and leaving such a great comment!

@ Snakeslane...SO....it's been awhile since I have been on Hubpages and the last time I looked...I had a grip of zzzz's to content with. Now I hopped on and the zzzz's have been replaced with little "highlighted" icons. I guess sorbet has been replaced with sordid as the flavor of the day. Finally...my ship has come in! It's wonderful to see you my friend and I hope you are doing outstanding!


nsnorth profile image

nsnorth 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA

VERY entertaining. I just signed up for HubPages today and I was on my way to read a few hubs related to English and Education when "ThoughtSandwiches" caught my eye and was halfway through the hub when I remembered I was doing something. Your opening paragraphs are brilliant. Your balance of conversational tone and casual punctuation creates a refreshing rhythm of prose that sucks the reader in well before they discover themselves in the realm of storytelling. I loved it!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Naomi,

Welcome to Hubpages! I'm very glad that I was able to waylay you as you were off to do something constructive in the English or Education areas. I like to think that waylaying dedicated people is a specialty of mine! Yours are very kind words and I would like to thank you for each one of them!

Thomas


mary615 profile image

mary615 3 years ago from Florida

Well, people can say what they want about your writing, but they can never say you are boring! What an imagination you have! Could I borrow some of yours???

I just get sucked into reading and can't stop!

I voted this UP, etc.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 3 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Mary,

...and the odd thing is...this story started out as an actual cooking hub. That was kind of hard though and so I settled on this. I have come to find that fiction is much easier than cooking.

Thomas

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working