Entangled

I've been in the mountains for several days with my family enjoying the holiday, I've had very little internet access but I've been writing like a fiend. Revising old poems, writing fresh ones, preparing blog post. One of the poems I revised was one called Weed Killer. Read it here:

If you like this poem

Then check out my poetry book,Digging to China, released by Sweatshoppe Publications. This poem is in it, along with fifty others. Signed copies are available throughSweatshoppe Publications. It's also available on Barnes and Noble andAmazon.com.

To be honest, I have never liked it. I like the message, I like what i was trying to say but I hate the way i said it. I finally revised it in a way that says everything I want it to say and, amazingly, I made a longish (for me) poem into a very brief one (18-19 syllables, depending on dialect:-)). I hope you like the changes. Even if you don't, I do :-)

Entangled

(Weed Killer Revisited)


I am a garden

riddled with weeds

entangling the stifled flowers.





all rights reserved. Copyright Justin W. Price. Nov. 24th, 2011

Thanks for Reading.

A FREELANCE WRITER, HONORS STUDENT AND GOVER PRIZE FINALIST, JUSTIN W. PRICE (AKA, PDXKARAOKEGUY)IS A POET, SHORT STORY, BIOGRAPHY AND HUMOR WRITER. HIS POETRY COLLECTION, DIGGING TO CHINA, WAS RELEASED FEBRUARY 2ND, 2013 BY SWEATSHOPPE PUBLICATIONS AND IS AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM, BARNES AND NOBLE AND THROUGH YOUR LOCAL BOOKSELLER.

HIS WORK WILL ALSO BE FEATURED IN BEST NEW FICTION (2014 EDITION), AND HAS APPEARED PREVIOUSLY IN THE RUSTY NAIL, EFICTION, THE CRISIS CHRONICLES, THE HELLROARING REVIEW, BURNINGWORD, THE WHISTLING FIRE, SEE SPOT RUN ANDTHE BELLWETHER REVIEW.

HE WORKS AS A FREELANCE WRITER, EDITOR, AND GHOST WRITER, AND IS WORKING TOWARDS HIS PH.D. HE LIVES IN A SUBURB OF PORTLAND, OREGON WITH HIS WIFE, ANDREA, THEIR LABRADOODLE, BELLA, SCHNOODLE, SAUVEE AND BLACK MOOR GOLDFISH, HOWARD WOLOWITZ.

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Comments 15 comments

stessily 4 years ago

Justin, I like both the original and the revisitation. Interesting that in real life weeds also have to be revisited!

As I noted on the original, these two poems give different perspectives, one up close and microscopic, the other panning away and panoramic.

Appreciatively, Stessily


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 4 years ago from California

You know I love this Justin!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon Author

Thanks flash. I'm pleased. Thanks for stopping by.


flashmakeit profile image

flashmakeit 4 years ago from usa

I really love the poem!!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 5 years ago from Portland, Oregon Author

Cresentmoon—thank you. Revising and editing is one of my favorite parts of writing, but I also have to be careful, when revising, that I’m not getting away from the original idea of the poem. Thanks for your comments and your votes.

Ivona—thanks. You don’t heard the word Gloomy too much these days.

Jinny—thanks so much. I just feel like when I wrote Weed Killer I was too focused on trying to be poetic then I was on trying to share my feelings. I’m glad though that others have been kinder in their critiques.

Amy- the second one was my intended meaning of the first one. I feel like I failed in that regard. I’m pleased that you liked both!

Rosemay- Thanks! I did! Very relaxing. Much needed.

Exploring- thank you! I was very pleased with that picture.

Racinwa- thank you for commenting. I’m actually debating whether or not this is a haiku, but I’ve written others: http://hubpages.com/literature/FIve-Thoughts-in-85... and http://hubpages.com/literature/Five-Haikus

Gypsy- thank you. That’s my goal as a writer!

Eidwwen- thanks for your votes!

Sue- I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by!


Sueswan 5 years ago

I like it.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 5 years ago from Wales

Brilliant and thank you for sharing this on here.

A vote up here.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your day.

Eddy.


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Hate weeds love this simple piece. Sometimes a few good words is all it takes.


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 5 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

hahahahha...you've finally made a haiku...


always exploring profile image

always exploring 5 years ago from Southern Illinois

I read both, got the same mental reaction, just written with fewer words. I liked them. The picture speaks for the flower, ( Pesky weeds )


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 5 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

I agree with Amy and couldn't have said it better than she. But I love both poems.

Pleased you enjoyed your break away.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 5 years ago from St. Louis, MO

This, I interprete differently than your original version. From my first read, the original sounds more like you are being stifled and if you could just disentangle yourself, you could bloom. This revised version, to me, calls you the stifler because you are the garden overrun by weeds. Either way, I love both. I had more pity for the situation I read in the first.


JinnyMarte 5 years ago

Well Justin, I don't find a reason not to like Killing Weeds. I read it and I felt that I can relate to it perfectly and based on a current personal experience. It was heartfelt and honest and direct. And it had beauty in it if you know how to really grasp its purpose and intention. Now Entangled is a brilliant sithesis of killing Weeds. You have a brilliant mind boy and real talent.


Ivona Poyntz profile image

Ivona Poyntz 5 years ago from UK

Very succint and precise....but gloomy.


Cresentmoon2007 profile image

Cresentmoon2007 5 years ago from Caledonia, MI

Sometimes all it takes is a little bit of revising/editing to a piece we created in the past to make it wonderful. Voted up.

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    Justin W. Price (PDXKaraokeGuy)742 Followers
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    Justin W. Price, AKA PDXKaraokeGuy, is a freelance writer, blogger, and award- nominated author based out of Portland, Oregon.


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