Evil Dudes in the Harry Potter Book Series

I taxed my daughter's computer time by demanding a 650 word essay on evil characters in the Harry Potter books. Here is the result:

My dumb dad is making me write this article thing about evil people in Harry Potter, when I’d much rather be Tumblr-Stalking Harry Potter, or reading the Prisoner of Azkaban. But as I must write it or I’ll get kicked off my computer, here goes.

Voldemort is evil, but awesome. I can’t imagine Voldemort doing anything semi-normal and human, so I just pretend that the Horcruxes made him so UN-human that he doesn’t need to do normal things like sleep and eat. Cause, seriously, can you imagine Voldemort sleeping, then waking up in the morning and having like, Lucky Charms or something? It’s a weird thought, so I prefer not to think about it. Also, could you imagine Voldemort ever having a girlfriend? Maybe he *kind of* did at Hogwarts (I’m unsure) but it’s still super weird cause I’d be like “Grrrrrrl, didja know yer datin da future Dark Lord? Yeaaaaaa das righ.” I guess if Bellatrix had the chance she’d ditch Rodolphus and run off with Voldie, but I don’t know how Voldemort would feel about that. He’d probably be like “Cool, I’ve got me a slave” as opposed to “YAY GIRLFRIEND.”

I wonder what Rodolphus would think of that. On one hand he’d probably be like “....That’s my wife...” but on the other he’d be like “THATS LORD VOLDEMORT AHHHH DONT KILL ME, TAKE HER.” It’s weird cause we hardly ever actually see Rodolphus in the books, so I never really picture Bellatrix as married. I just see her as this certifiably insane person who likes guys without noses. (ahemm...Voldemort.)

Also, on another note, I hate Pansy Parkinson. In the Deathly Hallows, when she wanted to give Harry to Voldemort, I wanted to reach in through the books and punch her in the face. I was all like “NAW. PANSY PARKINSON SHUT UP.” Yeah...I hate her.

I hate Umbridge too. It’s not like she’s a Death Eater or anything, but she might as well be. It’s all like “Yo. Umbridge. YU TELL HARRY HE MUST NOT TELL LIES, BUT THEN U LIE?” And she be all like “Shut up, I’m pure blood.” then I’m all like “AVADA KEDAVRA” and she’s all like *I’m dead* But she’s one of the reasons why the Order of the Phoenix is one of my favourite books in the series, because she totally gets super screwed over at the end. And also she’s such an incompetent witch. I bet that so-called “stealer of magic” Mary Cattermole could have removed Fred and George’s swamp, whereas Umbridge is all like “DURR DURR DUURRRRR I DNT GET IT.” Then everyone reading is like “LAWLZ UMBRIDGE YOU FAIL.” Then she gets attacked by centaurs and there were cheers all around.

Peter Pettigrew is another character I despise. I know he shows mercy and all in the end, but he’s so weak and such an annoying character that I just can’t stand him. But that’s what JK Rowling intended him to be like, so she did an awesome job writing him

It’s really funny, cause throughout elementary school as my friends and I were all reading the books for the first time, I always thought that Snape was awesome. They thought I was crazy, cause they were like “He’s a death eater.....” but I was like “Nope. He’s awesome. You’ll see.”
AND THEN IN THE SEVENTH BOOK, EVERYONE REALIZED THAT SNAPE ACTUALLY WAS AWESOME THE ENTIRE TIME, SO I GOT TO DO AN “I TOLD YOU SO” VICTORY DANCE. AWHH YEAH.


I hated Draco Malfoy in the earlier books, but he grows up a lot later, so I respect that. In my perfect world, his son Scorpius would get sorted into Gryffindor. I’d like to see how he’d take THAT news. I know Lucius wouldn’t be too pleased about it, but oh well. It’s high time the Malfoy family had someone who’s completely decent.

Alright, now I am done.
BAIIII