A well-planned rubout - (grime and PUN-ishment)

You goof-heads. This is how I do it.
You goof-heads. This is how I do it.

It takes more than just lawmen to erase grime

Oh my goodness. This is a story that must be told (but only in lower Moldavia). People who hate grime will applaud the actions of the defective lawmen who clean things up and set all back to right following assaults on our institutions, our money, and our way of life.

Cold beer on tap, too
Cold beer on tap, too


The planning meetings

The perpetrators were several in number but one of mind. They had set out to rub a bank in one of the nation’s most grime-infested cities – to be exact – Washington, D. C. Meeting in different places so as to minimize the chances of outsiders (like the law) figuring out what they were up to, these would-be bank rubbers would, one time, meet at the Cellar Club over on 14th Street, NW, and, another time, at the burger joint near Columbus Circle. Actually, they favored the Cellar Club. It served alcohol, and that seemed to make the planning for a really big bank rubbery smoother than did burgers and greasy fries.

Anyway, one of the rubbers, the one who had gone all the way through grade school, was a natural leader. He advised his co-plotters that their particular bank rubbery should be run fair and clean. They would draw straws to see which of them was to be the main actor in the deal – the one to actually be the first to "do it." So they did. As the straws dictated, the rubber who drew the short straw turned out to be the grade school graduate, himself. For some reason, being shoved by straw poll into the position of risk seemed to please the guy. Strange enough, none of his fellow rubbers in this outlaw rubber band seemed to be disappointed. Education or not, the chosen one never even bothered to consider "why not?"

Concrete is easier on the body than is sandstone
Concrete is easier on the body than is sandstone


Executing the plan

Came the day of the big rubbery and the men sauntered down Massachusetts Avenue and, soon enough, positioned themselves here and there on the sidewalks close by the Certified Bank and Associated Trust of Washington, D.C. As you might suspect, it was a very large, federally-chartered institution housed within a stout, multi-column building. (The place looked much like the gold-vault building at Fort Knox.)

Not realized by this gang of bank rubbers, the law was on to them and their plan. For every one of the bank rubbers surrounding the bank, there were two or three policemen, all highly experienced defectives. They had the rubbers in their sights, so to speak.

Soon enough, the "short straw" guy drifted away from his fellow rubbers and toward the bank building. He went up to one of the giant concrete columns and put his back into things; that is, he began rubbing the bank. Soon the rest of the gang followed suit, each of them picking out a different column and rubbing it with their backs. Onlookers ran helter-skelter, not wanting to be hurt or even killed.

Whooping and blowing on their whistles in high exultation, the law descended on the bank rubbers and took the lot of them into custody.

Live a clean life, you guys
Live a clean life, you guys


The big court trial

The members of the rubber band, as a group, were tried in Federal Court. The charge was bank rubbery. It should have been an easy-bounce prosecution for the government, but the defense lawyers were really sharp and on their toes. They pleaded that bank rubbery is actually a perfect cure for dirty banking grime and totally within society's interest.

Thus, the jury turned the entire rubber band loose, with the magistrate’s praises ringing in their ears. "Grime doesn't have a chance when everyone either stays clean or pitches in to rub grime out whereever it exists. Yours is an example of how ordinary citizens might also work to clean up those crummy newspaper columns, the columns that rub me the wrong way, too. Wow! These martinis surely do make for interesting court sessions, don't they?"

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Comments 30 comments

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

(Groan!)

Up and hilarious!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy Will - I am forcing myself to believe that you enjoyed reading the thing. :)

Gus :-)))


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I can't believe it either! :-)


Hyphenbird profile image

Hyphenbird 5 years ago from America-Broken But Still Beautiful

I needed that great laugh this morning. Thanks Gus. Have a great day ineeded!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hello again, Will. I moved you up a copuple of notches on my "Smart One" chart.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hyphenbird - I heard you. What a laugh it was, too. (Sometimes even foolishness is funny.)

Gus :-)))


Fossillady profile image

Fossillady 5 years ago from Saugatuck Michigan

Hello Gus, I enjoyed your story and all it's silliness! You always keep it on the lighter side which I find refreshing!


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

I was really thick-headed when I first began to read this, Gus. At the first mention of 'rub,' in the 7th line, I was ready to rush out an email advising you of the misspelling. It wasn't until the 13th line 'bank rubbers' that I realized what you were up to.

Thanks for the laughs and the creativity.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Fossillady - I am surely happy that you did not ask me, "Why?"

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Good Doctor bj - ...and that is even with your not having mentioned "rubber band" and those "highly experienced defectives..." That can of Pepsi had something really good in it, and fresh from the market, too.

Gus :-)))


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 5 years ago from Arlington, TX

Well now Gus, you rubbered my funny bone with this one.

The Frog


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi Froggie - Well, perhaps you will keep that funny bone covered up next time ! Grime definitely does not pay.

Gus :-)))


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 5 years ago from Australia

I think you could have exbanded it a bit more, you silly old sausage. Just what i needed on this lasy (so far) morning. Cheers Gus and good luck with the withdrawal symptoms.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Keith (attemptedhumor) - You are correct. I should have exbanded the thing - maybe bounced it around some. You mention that your morning has been "lasy," whereas I believe you misspelled the word, "elastic," which, as I believe, has no short version like "lasy." Ah well, it is not easy to be a good writer like you but still so prone to error. The withdrawal is going to rub me raw, I just know it!

(Thanks for the understanding and the sympathy.)

Gus :-)))


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 5 years ago from London

It is brilliant!Thank you.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi kathryn - I wondered about things when I noticed that there was a bit of a glow in the dark around here.

Gus :-)))


chspublish profile image

chspublish 5 years ago from Ireland

Three cheers for Gus - what a way you have of seeing things in another way.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

chspublish - Good Friend, in my several years of hanging around on this earth I have learned that most things are "in another way." Now, what that "other way" may happen to be differs in the thinking, if any, from one person to another person. For example, I had always believed that everyone would view me as being one of those rarities, a suave, urbane, and well-reasoned sort of redneck. Then, in a comment sent to this hub from someone who has been around long enough to know, I see that I was really just a "silly old sausage." Now, a person can't have things two ways, can they? I chose the correctness of his "silly" over the "old" part. The sausage deal remained enigmatic (which I believe may be the true opposite of "automatic.") I shall look that up in my old copy of "Webster's" wherein "Webster" might have owned the paper part but not the words, at least not all of them." Wish me good luck in that quest, for "Webster's" is somewhere under all of the confrumction in this messy office place. All I need for success in the search is to have about a month's worth of time and a great selection of which pile of stuff under which to begin the search.

Was that a confusing "other way" of telling you "Thanksabunchandahalfor more?"

Gus :-)))


alastar packer 5 years ago

I like hubs that are written 'off the beaten path' and you Gus, have those down to a fine art with ones like this. Delightful ole boy.


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy alastar - Happy am I who, having written , has been read. This time, at least, the beaten path was left behind, whereas the behind was not beaten as it likely should have been.

Gus :-)))


ahorseback profile image

ahorseback 5 years ago

I appologize for not keeping up with some great hubbers and you are one of them , I like the avatar , it really caught my attention , at first though, I though you were holding up a plunger! And then I realized you had speared somebodies red sock ! Ha! Are you really gonna cook and eat that thing?


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

ahorseback - Everyone knows how good socks taste, particularly the red ones. They are difficult to spear, however, so when you finally catch one, you tend to go right after it over the heat.

Thanks for the fun comment.

Gus :-)))


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 5 years ago from London

When having a bad day,it always cheers me to visit with you,Gus,and see your creative mind at play/work


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy kathryn - Let me tell you what is frightening. It is the thought that one of my Hubber friends might show up and see my sloppy office. A visit like that would surely be my downfall.

Gus :-)))


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 5 years ago from Chicago

You are an utterly clever writer. I enjoy all of your work. This one is quite witty. Thanks for the pleasure.


kathryn1000 profile image

kathryn1000 5 years ago from London

I'll send you a photo of our house and it will cheer you up no end.I can just about get into bed surrounded by dictionaries,novels,books of word games and jokes.whilst on the chairs are heaps of clothes waiting till i feel strong enough to tackle them!!Even folding up my husbands hankies is now neglected.It's always been my fault to be very untidy.

I should have taken a vow of poverty!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hi James - Is "utterly clever" the same thing as "utterly incorrigible?" That's what my bride says I am...

Thanks for the pleasant comment. I'll do better next time. I will try for "utterly utterly." What a fantastic triumph that would be.

Gus :-)))


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Hello kathryn - Heaven help me if a photo of someone else's "mess" inspires me to make my own mess even worse than it already is.

Gus :-)))


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

......Sir Gus you take the proverbial cake and I just love ya for it - no one else does what you do - and that's why I'm so darn proud of you - it takes a special writer to come up with 'stuff' like this - so I must bestow upon you a new title - SIR GUS THE WIZARD!!!!!


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA Author

Howdy "epi" - That effusive (elusive?) comment has caused some small consternation over here because it brings up a question - Is "Sir Gus" analogous to "circus," and, if so, would "lyin'" be much like "lion?" (the latter two are words that seem to have attachment to the roots of my question.)

Somehow, "epi," your always analytical commentary tends to ask more questions than it answers.

Gus :-)))

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