Holiday Poem: A Visit From Drunk Yank



With the holiday season here I was inspired to write a little poetry. This particular one I thought to share was written in the style of the classic, "A Visit From St. Nicholas" by Clement Clarke Moore, and was inspired by true events.With any luck these events will never be replayed, but since you never know the future, I try to remember it in a humorous light.






A Visit From Drunk Yank


‘Twas the night after Christmas

when in our little house

I was enjoying some eggnog

and snuggled up to my spouse.

Mog was turned on

to our favorite rock tunes

while the children watched

"The Matrix" back in one of their rooms.

When out from the street

there sounded a vulgar shout,

that managed sufficiently

to drown Metallica out.

So I opened the window blind

and looked out to the scene

to figure out just who

who was ranting obscene.

The light from the street lamp

with its crystal-bright glow

provided illumination to

the person wearing summer Capri’s out in the snow.

Oh crap, I muttered for what did appear,

a woman I knew, holding a Michelob beer.

With disheveled bun on her head and body so lank,

I knew in a moment it could only be Drunk Yank.

She was ranting about neighbors, all of us she blamed,

she cursed us in total, and then by more colorful names:

“Scr*w all of you white trash, NASCAR lovers, you pr*cks!

Damn you ignorant bumpkins and the gun-toting d*cks!

Go to hell, and stay there, you redneck queers

I’ll dance on your graves and spit in your beer!”

As spit dries on the lips of the paranoid insane

her frenzy grew wild, she lost all restrain;

the beer dropped from her hand as she plodded and weaved,

she stumbled into a branch and tore her shirt sleeve

Up to our porch steps she managed to get

when she tripped over the cat and scared our poor pet.

And then in a twinkling I saw her fall down;

she cried out, “Damn kids!” as her backside collided with ground.

As I stared in amazement and took a sip from my cup

our close neighbors came out to see just what the heck was up.

Yank was covered in snow, her front and her back

and she shook all over, like an addict in search of some crack.

She ranted some more, her face got all red

and she balled up her bony fists until they had bled.

Her eyes, how they flashed,

her lips, how they foamed,

and she looked ‘round for the huge dog

forgotten when she set off from home.

So she accused us, saying we’d shot him surely this time,

baked him up in cornbread or squeezed him for 'shine.

The neighbors started laughing, they couldn’t help themselves

and my husband called the police from the phone on the shelf.

On the neighbors now Yank turned with her angst,

called them inbred idiots, nothing like Yanks.

She told how with a mounted scope she knew everything that went on,

How she saw into our homes and saw into our lawns.

She charged that we stole her mail, threw rocks at her dog

"No surprise", she said, "southerners are nothing but hogs."

And just as the blue flashes came into sight,

she vomited the six-pack she’d imbibed that one night.

Then lunging for the umbrella kept by our door,

she brandished it at Great-grandma Smith and called her a wh*re.

The officers sprang from their car, and grabbed her two arms

then pulled Drunk Yank down before she could do any harm.

But I heard her exclaim as they cuffed her that night,

“You rednecks are nothing but ill-mannered blight!"



©December 22, 2013 by Beth Perry

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Comments 15 comments

savvydating profile image

savvydating 2 years ago

Lol. This Yank character is hilarious. Talk about calling the kettle black. Sheesh. Drunk Yank should talk.

Actually, it's kind of funny how some folks are convinced they have a lot of class or "something," even though they haven't a drop (no pun intended).

I admit to having a crazy aunt. She doesn't drink, but when she is upset, which is often, she always exclaims to others, "NO CLASS"... yet she lives with her dirty dogs in a dirty house. But the poor lady is not well. I suspect the same goes for Drunk Yank.

Exceptionally funny poem. I really enjoyed it.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

(snicker!)

Someday you'll have to relate the story behind this poem.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

(snicker!)

Someday you'll have to relate the story behind your poem!


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

savvydating, so sorry to hear of the aunt in the family! It is unfortunate some folks just don't know how to be happy.

Thanks much for reading and commenting!


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

Hey Will, yeah I may be coaxed to do that. Right now we all kind of live on the edge, a little leery of speaking her name. We're hoping a house may drop out of the sky over her way, but so far no luck ;)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 2 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

If it does, be sure to get her Ruby Slippers.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 2 years ago from Queensland Australia

This is a true story so it may not have seemed funny at the time, but it made a hilarious Christmas Poem. Thank you so much for sharing. Loved it. Voted up.


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

Jodah, thanks very much and I am happy you enjoyed it!


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

Will, you got it :)


vaneshmali 2 years ago

good,best,better


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

Thank you vaneshmali.


WiccanSage profile image

WiccanSage 2 years ago

OMG this is a riot. The cat picture had me cracking up, my kids are looking at me like I'm nuts. LOL thanks for the laughs!


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

WiccanSage, very happy you enjoyed it!


mizjo profile image

mizjo 2 years ago from New York City, NY

Oh, Beth, this is soooo funny. It's snowing out my window today, it's gloomy, and you've just cheered me up!

Wish I could write poetry too.

Up, and Funny.


bethperry profile image

bethperry 2 years ago from Tennesee Author

mizjo, thank you very much. I hope the snow lets up on you soon!

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