How to achieve ignominy

A bit of a preamble may be needed to convince you why this hub was necessary.

You see, I have been having a bit of success lately. Entirely inadvertent, but it all began after I produced this unintended masterpiece called “How to achieve failure. ” I had a lurking fear that it would go on to win one of the online contest awards. Nothing of the sort happened, but my hub got some polite comments from some decent folks. I was alert enough and did not get distracted by the comments and decided to continue to plough ahead on my path, unmindful of the crowds going in the other direction, so that I could explore fresh terrains for the betterment of the human race. I suppose I have said enough about the lofty ideals that motivated me, so it is high time we get into the hub proper.

But before that, I must warn the reader that in this hub, I will take you through yet another area, which is technically very advanced and difficult to grasp, but where my expertise is second to none. Modesty prevents me from saying anything about my accomplishments in a lifelong pursuit of ignominy, but the discerning reader would easily sense it from the clarity that I bring to the table.

The dictionary defines ignominy as great personal dishonor or humiliation.

Now this may give an impression that it is something to abhor but that is as far from the truth, as I have been from success. Actually it’s a very widely held bias manifesting itself and it is my noble objective to help you cleanse your mind and free yourself from it’s vice like grip so that you have a clear vision to perceive ignominy in it’s true colors.

Let me just take a deeeeeep breath. You see I get exasperated when I have to explain, for the record, something as simple and plainly evident as this. OK, let's forget that the whole world is chasing fame and adulation. That’s no good reason for you to be doing the same. You’ve seen how my last hub dispelled the notion that success alone was desirable; that failure was an untouchable to be loathed and despised. So this too shall go! This hub will do it! Don’t worry!

I’ll just say this that once you get over your prejudices and allow ignominy to take you in its arms, you will be a changed man (or woman) and no logic will ever make you change your mind and take you back to your old position. For what does fame and adulation bestow? Lack of privacy, the stress of continuously meeting the expectations of the world - being politically correct, polite in speech, perfect in attire – and the cold air of loneliness as you stand before crowds or television cameras with a practiced plastic smile beaming away at people whom you know not and wouldn’t care to, if it were not for this fame thing. Would you be able to steal a pen or filch a chocolate? Of course not! Banish those thoughts and sit or stand still, seemingly at ease, exposing the incisors through parted fatigued lips, while television cameras or prying eyes scrutinize every movement of yours.

On the other hand, if you make that crucial decision to work hard and achieve ignominy, just imagine what lies ahead. It’s certain that one day in the distant future, when all your hard work pays off and you float down into those rarefied depths of ignominy, a barrage of words, stones or other objects will greet you. As the projectiles fly towards you like a hailstorm, massage your muscles and tickle your sensations no end, the sounds around will rise to a crescendo of pure harmonious noise. You huddle into an embryonic posture and cover your face in joy to enjoy it all for twelve nights, and on the twelfth night, mutter a few words of apology to William Shakespeare, before whispering to yourself “if ignominy be the food of salvation, play on.” Time passes and with not a single soul in sight, you withdraw into yourself more and more until you are only with yourself and your thoughtless self, and achieve what the Zen masters strived for all their lives – self-realization!

When the bard is invoked, and Zen masters get mentioned, there is little scope left for me to inspire you any more with words. So I shall shift to graphics. (My regular readers will of course know it’s a regular habit with me to paste a picture or two, of course after twisting the text to match the picture).

When the bard is invoked, and Zen masters get mentioned, there is little scope left for me to inspire you any more with words. So I shall shift to graphics. (My regular readers will of course know it’s a regular habit with me to paste a picture or two, of course after twisting the text to match the picture).

The picture alongside depicts the stage of supreme bliss that I tried to describe in words. It is the final stage you reach after a life of dedicated pursuit of ignominy and if you look at it for 30 minutes and shut out all thoughts, you will feel charged and inspired to take charge of your life and work for the infamy that you are entitled to.

Let me confess that although I have considerable experience in achieving ignominy, I really do not have experiential knowledge of the struggle. You see, I am a natural and therefore, because of my intrinsic talent I achieved the depths of ignominy without having to struggle much. However, such raw talent is rare and most practitioners will have to go through considerable struggle before they achieve similar results. (But hard work will payoff – that is certain). So what I am providing below is vicarious tips gathered from observing bit players who have managed to achieve some small level of infamy.

1. Dishonesty helps a lot. As adults its high time we realize that our teachers had cheated us by suggesting that honesty pays. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Dishonesty is smart and it pays rich dividends. So the first step is to learn this and get going on the road to dishonesty. Infamy will chase you soon and as you start running to stay ahead of infamy, you will see that the dishonesty road stretches further and further and lands you deep inside the forest of humiliation.

2. A foul tongue is a handy tool. I find a whole lot of people giving unwarranted importance to sweet speech. And plenty of others trying to emulate them, in the mistaken notion that sweet speech will somehow benefit them in life. Come on, that’s being naïve. Chocolates can be sweet, cakes and muffins can be sweet, but why on earth should speech be sweet? The thrust and parry of a sharp tongue that can cause lacerations all around is something worth watching and is an extremely useful tool to guarantee success. It is obvious that it needs to be urgently developed if you were not naturally endowed and improved upon for pungency if you already have it.

3. Being consistently loud, unhelpful and positively abrasive in demeanor goes a long way in quickly building up a network of detractors, who will provide selfless support to help you reach the dizzying depths of ignominy that you aspire for. You will marvel at the support that comes your way.

4. They say charity begins at home. If you start practicing at home, and achieve ignominy within your four walls, it will shore up your confidence and enable you to achieve greater depths in the world at large.

There comes a time when the guru has to tell his disciple to find his feet and be on his own. There also comes a time when the reader would feel enough is enough. Since we are at that stage it’s best to conclude by reminding that ignominy is our birthright – our dearest possession - and will remain with us forever.

“Thy ignominy sleep with thee in the grave, But not remembered in thy epitaph” - Henry IV by William Shakespeare.