"I Gotta Be Me"

LX.

Ranch road with ceniza.
Ranch road with ceniza.

Tribute to Sammy Davis, Jr.

And - being true to oneself is all of this.

Being me is my

Only strength.

If it is more fragile,

More vulnerable,

More blind at times,

Then it is also

Tougher,

More flexible

And perceptive,

Being less distorted.

If it were to be relinquished,

There’s nothing to defend,

Since its essence can be destroyed

ONLY

From within.

And I have tried enough to know

That my essence

IS

My strength,

My only real

Possession.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay


Have I been asleep?

How long?

And am I now awakening?

Is spring now making

Life come true?

If so - where are you,

My one?

And if not - where are you?


______© Nellieanna H. Hay



The measure of the moment varies,

Flees or tarries.

So trivial the days apart

From those whose presence

Is immeasurable,

Melting into nights which

Become eternities of emptiness

Or bliss.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay



The pieces

Always seem to fall into

Improved place

After

Fracture.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay



Beautiful butterfly,

Unbridled by the loss of chains,

Sets out to find the range

A butterfly can fly.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay


The homeless heart

Turns homeward.

Detachment is its clarity

And charity, its motive.

Life is everywhere.

It's even there

Beyond today.


______© Nellieanna H. Hay



Everyone must write

His own book,

Compose his own music

And live each new day

As it arrives.

Those who know what they must do

Are freest to

And quickest to renew and live.


____© Nellieanna H. Hay

Graphics copyrighted 2011 by Nellieanna Hay, designed using Adobe Photoshop Elements 9.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. This material is protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from Nellieanna H. Hay.

© 2011 Nellieanna Hay

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Comments 104 comments

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Your compositions are always a musical blessing,Nellieanna.;)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

You are so kind, Acer! Hugs! Thank you for launching it!


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

..such a very lovely writer you are Nellieanna and you put so much into your hallowed hubspace with each poetic presentation that I would call it 'an event - a happpening!'

Thank you also for your warm birthday wishes and your friendship of course and over the past year I have grown to admire you as a colleague and a world class writer and benefactor of others here at the Hub.

You popped by my humble little hubspace about a week ago and frankly at times I am overwhelmed by 'keeping up' with my followers (but happily and respectfully so) so please accept my gratitude now for the courtesy of your visit - and as you can see now (for the most part) I am trying to thank everyone from my own hubspace upon their arrival ......sometimes I think Hubbing can be a full time occupation .....and I often miss my wife and our six kids - I forget all of their names - but I know there are 7 of them - did I say 7?


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Colin - Thank you! I greatly treasure your comments and complimentary support.

Oh - I understand the overwhelmed feeling about keeping up with my people I love to follow and the follow-through when I comment on others' hubs.

Early in my hubpage history, I wrote on Following Other Hubbers and it was so idealistic! I did keep up but, you are right that it can be a full time occupation. It all went well until there were some unavoidable interruptions (beyond the need for sleep and normal daily activities). Having houseguests, business trips, doing taxes, and such things do put a crimp in the following style! And once one is behind, it can be daunting to figure out where to resume. I've been haphazard ever since. And I'm not willing to do pleasant things as though they were chores, so I'm just sort of dumbing along and if I don't get it all done, so be it. What I do is whole-hearted and it gives at least one person pleasure! I love doing this.

Seven kids????? @@^


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...thank goodness they're all in my 'overdeveloped' imagination - lol - and not from my overactive libido .....


shanaya profile image

shanaya 5 years ago from Living in my Own Dreams:)

Dear Nellie Ma'am! I consider You all as my BLESSING from GOD.

Very Beautiful POEM by a very BEAUTIFUL LADY.

UP so high, BEAUTIFUL, AWESOME.:)


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

You are amazing! Voted up awesome and oh so beautiful.


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

beautiful and uplifting poems!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

haha, Colin - well, that could be a stretch. Seven kids might not leave much libido time. . . . ;->


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Shanaya - I am thrilled that you like my efforts! You're a dear person. Thank you for both the comments and votes! Hugs.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Breakfastpop - I'm so honored that you like it! Thank you for the votes.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Nikki, m'dear - Thank you! I'm pleased that you visited and enjoyed it!


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

What more can I say which hadn't been said before to show you my appreciation of your wonderful poems? It was another great peasure to read them. Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Oh, Hello, hello - but it matters that YOU said what you felt from your heart! It's much appreciated! Thank you, thank you! Hugs.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 5 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Your words stand on their own. Intimate. Poetic. Charming. Deep. Elegant. Memorable. .. and then you go and embellish them with the most beautiful presentations. You are a wonder, and a delight, my dear friend.


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

Dear Nellieanna - I love your graphics as much as your delicious poetry. Thank you for this treat. You are sublime, m'dear.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Dearest Nellieanna, you have all the reasons in the world to be permanently negative and depressed, yet you are one of the most positive persons I know, always busy to encourage and uplift people who tend to be negative. Why? Because you were and are and will forever be true to your true (positive) self. Thanks for these delightful inspirational poems. You just never fail to impress me.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ian - what lovely praise! It makes me feel both honored and humble. Thank you! Hugs.

Did you notice that the photo at the top is one of my ranch roads, going down into the southwest pasture, which I call Vaquero. The blue horizon is part of a huge canyon wall but there are high blue peaks on further over in Mexico above that horizon. The copy just washed them out. Some days they are paler than others. They are a couple of hundred miles away, part of the Sierra Madre Occidental mountain range in Coahuila, Mexico. I can literally see the configuration of them in my mind's eye. I grew up thinking everyone had distant blue mountains to look at and Mother encouraged me to exercise my eyes by looking into the distance as much as possible. There is plenty of that out there! The foreground's purple ceniza (sage) along the road was actually repeated as one went along into the pasture. It blooms profusely after a rain. Yes, those are real rocks in the road. Typical and inescapable! There aren't a lot of hot-rodders driving around down there!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

DRBJ - Thank you so much for that. I confess that I have difficulty separating these parts of the creative process, perhaps as lyricists who compose both words and music do. Oh! For creative musical talent! Sigh.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Martie, love, thank you. I'm too mad about life to spend it on much negativity though I truly feel it when others are in its grips. I think of you often.


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 5 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

As always. Wise sentiments, beautifully written.

Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Christopher - Dear heart, - as always! Thank you. Hugs


SilverGenes 5 years ago

Your hubs are little journeys in themselves with delightful scenery along the way. Every time I travel with you I learn something new. Thank you :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Oh - dear, dear Alexandra! You are a delightful traveling buddy! Thank you for joining with me ! Hugs


VioletSun profile image

VioletSun 5 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

I think there are very few people who are as positive as you are and it's inspiring. The poem about being me, having our inner essence as our strenght is one I resonate with the most. Beautiful messages and graphics!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Violet Sun - Thank you. When I first wrote that, it was such a slim but vital thread on which to hold fast. Ever since awareness of that clarity then, it's been a guiding light in even the darkest places, and oddly, even in the brightest places, as well. Maybe it's like the DNA of one's truest self, and, once recognized, it doesn't become confused with that of others, even if or when the pressure to put theirs on instead is great.


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 5 years ago from United States

Your poetry is always so inspiring and this one is truly special. It's like reading a melody that flows through beautiful thoughts. I always enjoy the way you set up your hubs with the poetry and graphics. Splendid hub!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Pamela, such lovely praise! Thank you. I believe you perceive the message of it. Hugs.


MPG Narratives profile image

MPG Narratives 5 years ago from Sydney, Australia

I have one wish, to be able to read more of your poetry but alas time just doesn't allow it. Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us Nellieanna, and the graphics, you are a real pro.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

MPG - that is so gratifying! Thank you. I always regret not having enough time to read all the wonderful hubs I want to, too. I love doing this - but no pro. Just impelled to express what I feel, both verbally and graphically. Can't remember being otherwise. So I really appreciate it that you find it worthwhile! Hugs.


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 5 years ago

I find your hubs exhilarating.I have been concentrating on writing and clearly focusing on what I want to accomplish.I have you in my thoughts and prayers.I often look back at the advice you have given me and I am doing everything I can to accomplish my dreams.I just wanted to drop you a few lines and say a sweet Hello.Have a wonderful night and a beautiful weekend.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hello, Dream On! What a delight to see you visiting here! I have been running behind on following my hubbers, but I always enjoy yours. I appreciate your thinking of me! I'm sure you're doing well with your writing and moving toward your dreams. Just remember that it is the journey, rather than destinations, which give us our treasures. Just as we can't eat a banana by focusing just on each end of it, so our life's real goodies are in the middle, bite by bite.

Thank you so much for the lovely compliments! Hugs.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS Author


h-annie 3 years ago

Today I became 50 years old. Bittersweet. How apropos that this was what came up from the Hub when I logged in. :-)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

OH MY! Happy birthday, my precious niece & fellow Aquarian. 50. Wow. How can that be? But it's a great age to be! Honestly!

I've a birthday in a week from tomorrow - 81st. Not bittersweet. It's sweet to BE! :-)

This is a thrill. I've thought of you several times lately. I would love to visit with you but I don't wish to impose.


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 3 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Ms Nellieanna.. you always be YOU.. You are marvolous.. what wonderful poetry with a flair that no one can compare..

many blessings to you

debbie


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Wow! Simply amazing Nellieanna. You're awesome! Always be true to yourself! I agree. I love the collection of poetry. I see it plain is one of my favorite. you let the reader see the picture. Voting up awesome& beautiful.


James-wolve profile image

James-wolve 3 years ago from Morocco

Wow very neat ,profound and direct to the essence of being.I voted up.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

Much wisdom and soft-spoken advice for living and getting through this world we inhabit. There is much beauty in the writing of it as well!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Debbie, aw - Thank you! You're so kind! I admire you too!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Marlene, I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this and consider it your favorite. Thank you!

Hugs!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

James-wolve, I appreciate that! it's a pleasure to meet you. I peeked at your profile and hub site, too. Morrocco! wow. Such interesting facts about your name, too. I must read more!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Jim, my friend - Thank you much for coming by and for those very welcome special words.


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

Everyone must write

His own book,

Compose his own music

And live each new day

As it arrives.

Those who know what they must do

Are freest to

And quickest to renew and live.

Oh Nellieanna my dear friend how I love this gem especially the words above.

I Gotta Be Me !!!What a wonderful title and as I always say you are such a dignified lady and this is what shines through in each of your poems.

Do you know what I love most about my life today is that I finally know who I am and I owe much of this to my wonderful friends right here on HubPages.

All my life not even my very best friend would have known what went on in my mind and I was a 'Chameleon' for want of a batter word. Yes I would blend into whichever situation I would find myself in;but since pouring my heart and soul out to you all on here I have learnt who I am and this without a doubt is one of the most wondrous joys ever.

Here's to so many more hubs for us both to share on here for a long time to come and lots of love to you Nellieanna all the way from Wales.

Eddy.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Sweet Eddy! Lovely to see you here today! I'm quite pleased that you perceive the meanings of my words.

Yes, I can fully believe that what you love about your life today is simply knowing and being yourself to live it! Who else can one authentically be, right? It's so essential to know oneself and be free to simply let it be! I had to smile about your having been a chameleon, hoping to fit in or blend. Often one may learns to try to do that as a child, when one is expected to 'behave' and 'act nice' when one is actually barely discovering one's own self. I guess it takes others to perceive & acknowledge one as one feels it to actually 'fit', to help one accept, recognize and 'own' it too.

Others can help in that in various ways, but the important element is that one see it for her/himself! That's where the real enlightenment happens! Once it does, nothing else can ever look quite the same again. One simple IS in her moments, fully, as herself. Makes all her moments come alive - the ups, the downs, all of them!

You bet it's "one of the most wondrous joys ever"! I could not be more pleased for you! Hugs! We surely will share many more hubs on here! Thank you!


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 3 years ago

You are wonderful are just words.I know I sound like a broken record but this record must be played.I am so proud and happpy to play it over and over again.Other people maybe say enough already.For me I don't get tired of reading special writings that move the heart.I fill my days with genuine works of art.I know life can be sad and depressing but when I see so much talent and love I stand still mystified with butterflies in my stomach.I can't explain feeling so peaceful and relaxed.No worries no injuries of any sort.Your writings are true magic that fill the room.You come in with a grand entrance and leave with the great escape.I couldn't be happier to see a friend I have known for so long giving back to the world she has lived and changed for the better.So each person may also see "I Gotta be Me" is not just a hub but a living testomony of what life can be.You have blessed me with your wit and lovely presence.I am thankful and appreciative for all that you have done.I have slowed down and quieted my mind if there is such a thing.Going forward what I thought I would of lost I have gained.Living one more gorgeous day on earth filled with so many amazing discoveries and accomplishments.Taking the time to say wishing you the best and you made my day.Sending you a world filled with love and happiness that can only come from above.


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 3 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

DREAM ON, what a stunningly heartfelt and beautiful appreciation of this wonderful person's work, Not just this hub, but all of them. She is an amazingly intelligent, cultures, deep-thinking... I need not go on, because the accolades one could heap on her head would forever be covered by more.

I, personally have drawn strength from here wit, vigour, love, compassion... there I go again!

She is, in many ways, a National Treasure.

Bless her, and bless you, DREAM ON, for falling under her spell, and writing so movingly about her and her work.

Ian


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 3 years ago from Arkansas, USA

I love how your poems are beautiful to read and give an eloquent message. I like what you said about things coming together better after a fracture. Your poetry speaks the truth!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Good grief! Have I died and gone to heaven? So many dear, dear friends singing my praises - must be my eulogy! :-))

Seriously, I'm terribly honored and humbled to think I may have been a good influence on folks I hold dear!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dream On, you are such a dear, precious soul! whom I treasure!

I'm amazed at how much you've grown and 'really become more yourself' during the time I've known you on HP! Your spirit was always the biggest, dearest I've ever known; and it seems your confidence has caught up with it. It shows through in all your writing! You've so much to share, it would be a 'crying shame' if you didn't have the opportunity and clear 'voice' to share it; -- and in Hubpages, you do! I can take no credit other than simply 'seeing you', perhaps with some accurate perception of who you are! You've run with it so very ably!

Thank you for such a lovely, heartfelt message and accolade to me! Hugs!!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ian - Twillight Lawns, my very dear friend ! (I'm honored to claim that!)

You're always a shining example of all that a great writer, friend, - even confidant, on occasion! - should be, always with right now, right here heart & soul; generously sprinkled with some of the most witty, articulate delightful, caring touches of kindness mixed with erudite sophistication!

I'm always awed by you and when you ask my opinion on anything - well, I know I've 'made it'!

I vividly remember when I first tapped into your hub site; as I recall, I wrote a comment: "I think I'm in love!" because the hub was just delightful, tickled my funny-bone and thrilled my mind & heart. I came away feeling as though I'd been at a fête or a salon for great artists and writers from the Renaissance, led by a master. You gather such charming followers and share so generously! You never disappoint! But, upon hearing such an evaluation, you'd just blush, enjoy it, but continue to be totally yourself with no pretense or conceit!

So of course, I'm just bowled over by the tribute you've paid me here! If I may be as rednecked a Texan as I probably really am, may I just say, "Golly, gee whiz. Sir Dorking-Clark, y'have me all pumped-up, 'n I'm libel'ta get a big o'head!"

In other words, thank you for such lovely praise from someone I respect highly! Hugs!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Victoria - Vicki, if I may! Thank you so much! I love it when my words manage to express real meaning as well as 'music' of mere poetic words. As they were written, it was with no thought of anything but expressing my own deepest thoughts, emotions, &/or responses to real life and real quests, - in as succinct and few words as possible, strictly for my own review & reassurance when I felt my 'self' somehow evasive or otherwise threatened. . .

Because of their background, I vividly recall the exact settings for most of them, though so many were written decades ago when my 'self' seemed more tenuous; written without intention that they'd ever be read by anyone else! (in fact, hoping that someone would NOT read them, for they truly - though briefly - exposed my 'self' which simply was so much at risk then.)

It's still amazing to me when I hear that these same words may touch others or express some of their own deep thoughts and feelings. What a reward that is! In fact, mere words hardly can express it! Hugs.

Thank you for letting me know how you've responded to them!


dreamseeker2 3 years ago

Awesome as always, Nellieanna! I like this one:

The pieces

Always seem to fall into

Improved place

After

Fracture.

Beautiful work with profound thought and capture of emotions. : ) Voted up, as I always do...


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 3 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

Nellieanna, I just travelled (British spelling, ha ha - no one else will realise this except you and me)...

Start again, I just travelled from blushes to outright laughter at your amusing, flattering, charming, witty comments.

Biggest hugs, my friend.

Ian


suzettenaples profile image

suzettenaples 3 years ago from Taos, NM

This is beautiful and so true. Be true to yourself are probably the most important words in the English language. Your poem is elegantly and eloquently said and I like the presentation and images you used here. Well written and well said!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear sweet Gwen. . . Thank you! That one you mentioned is quite meaningful! As always, I treasure your visits, commons and votes! Hugs!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

My Dear Ian! Aw, - your reply warms my heart. I've only one quarrel with it: no flattery was involved. You're all that and more!

Thank you for being you.

Hugs and love - Nellieanna


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Suzette, I'm thrilled that you like and approve of it! I appreciate your remarks about it, especially. Thank you sincerely!


Vellur profile image

Vellur 3 years ago from Dubai

We have to be true to what we are and proud of who we are. Being who we are is out true strength, as you have expressed so very well. Great poems and a lovely write. Voted way up, beautiful and awesome. Enjoy reading your poems.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Absolutely, Vellur! That's it!

These poems came from deep within and most of them from a time when being who I am was both threatened and my only strength. Thank you!!


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 3 years ago from New York

Nellianna, one verse more beautiful than the next. What choice do we have but to be ourselves? The better we do it the happier we will be. "And am I now awakening?" We need to awaken within ourselves every day.

I love the artwork, it fits so well with your beautiful thoughts.

Voted up, awesome, and beautiful.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Oh, yes, Mary, thank you! We surely do need to be awake - and reawakened in each moment. It's like Vitamin C; - needs daily renewal. It doesn't store well and is sensitive to atmospheric impostions! Most of all, keeping the supply fresh and resupplied is vital to one's health. :)

Thank you for the encouraging compliments and votes, too!


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Why haven't I noticed this hub sooner? I love the first poem - no wonder you like the self identity explanation I gave. ;) I think your poem would fit right in.

I also love the one about the beautiful butterfly. *sigh*

Too bad I feel like being true to myself also means being untrue in other aspects.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

My dear Shan - - I'm not surprised you relate to this one. I'd wondered when you'd notice it! That was one reason I 'featured' it. :-)

These poems do explain much about me, mostly written at the time I was in, around or following that time in my life of being in a similar place to your present one.

Poetry had proven capable of capturing my immediate life as it was being lived, right in the reality of the moments when it it was happening. I had plenty of reasons for choosing that means of leaving tracks, but that turned out to be the most important & valuable one.

Other forms of explanation or documentation of what's occurring, by their nature, take one out of it and inevitably begin to dissect, intellectualize & mix the actual experience of what it IS with past actions which may have brought one there, but fail either to contribute to being IN the present or to possible liberation from controls and chains of the past. Setting one's story and truth up that way is like trying to swim being emotionally chained to the side of the pool or pond so that one is creating & perpetuating a self-sustaining prison there, clinging to the side which offers no solution & is inescapable until one simply is 'still' inside, like the water is until it's stirred and one accepts & embraces the water's buoyancy and cooperation as one lets go of the side and enters the water. There is still each moment as one finds the strokes to stay afloat and to keep breathing air! But it's basically that simple, approachable and do-able! One deals with what comes into view as it arrives, not wasting energy and breath on the with the wake one's left behind!

The one about the butterfly was written soon after my 'chains' were literally torn off of me, and suddenly I could realize them to have been my unnecessary shackles, when my most dreaded dire results of losing all I held dear even as I lost the chains were proven to be inevitable in any case (in my own instance). Then for me, then what had been a terrifying, shrouded future was at hand in the clarified present, which was 'open', though, of course, was unresolved & brought its own challenges. But I'd been empowered to look at now as an ally with hope and opportunity, rather than terror of making a wrong move. I discovered that it always is so, no matter how one tries to fasten it down, to outwit the fear or to think one can somehow sidestep the danger by clinging to the side of the pool.

When it is a friendly pool, none of this even applies. One knows how to enter, to take any risks involved and to live it - truly - as it happens.

A little earlier, I was becoming more clear on what was happening when I wrote these 2 poems:

Rain Dance

I felt that for too long

I’d done my rain-dance

In a sterile planetarium

Wanting, seeking

Life-giving water,

But afraid

To beseech the sky.

And why?

Because I sensed

It nourishes

But it also

Devastates.

Quandary had I.

To risk – or just, in thirsty fear - to die?

______© Nellieanna H. Hay

spring, 1971

___________________

Life is a blackmailer

And we, his cowardly slaves,

Trying to buy love

And some kind of safety

With little bits of self.

We think we might outsmart

Or out-perceive this clever foe

But no.

We cannot conceive

That, any way we turn, we learn -

In clever guise,

Adapted to our views or our ideals,

He takes his toll

Against our self-delusion

And steals our innocence.

I think there is a freedom way.

We must give it to each other

Or find it by ourselves.

______© Nellieanna H. Hay


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

I'll be back to read those again, thanks.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

OK - some spinach got caught - haha - I'm sure you'll see it! No matter.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

What? I don't, but now I shall have to go in search! No butts this time, though, right? haha


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

(grin) NOW do you see 'em?

:-D


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

No, BUTT now you're gonna drive me bonkers until you point them out. :D


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

I see "on the with the". Literal chains? What?


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yup - 'on the with the' is the glob of spinach.

Surely you jest, though. . . . of course not literal physical chain-chains.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Of course I jest. :) By the way, I'd sent a comment earlier about my appreciation that you'd think of me as part of a reason to post a hub. You're a special angel indeed.

I"d like to scream these lines to certain people:

If you do not know it yet,

The fault is not in me.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

And, as you are probably aware, I relate to the Rain Dance one as well.


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 3 years ago

Nellie; this piece touched my heart and two of your verses I have fallen in love with:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s nothing to defend,

Since its essence can be destroyed

ONLY From within.

And I have tried enough to know

That my essence

IS My strength,

My only real Possession.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beautiful butterfly,

Unbridled by the loss of chains,

Sets out to find the range

A butterfly can fly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your words dance within me Nellie; you do poetry sweet justice.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Oh, my - dear Shan, mIght want to check on the sequence of any mentions having to do with you being my reason for posting of a hub. I can find no 'earlier mention' which I might have overlooked - ? In any case, I'm pleased that you feel appreciative for it. :-)

That couplet you quote would truly seem to fit your response to 'certain people'. . . . . sigh.

I so vividly remember exactly the moment when and where - and how I felt which inspired "Rain Dance". Thank you for letting me know you relate to it. Hugs.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Qudsia - Thank you. Ah - yes. One loses it if one relinquishes one's own essence, - which can even be done by inadvertently just falling into a pattern of behavior set by others' behavior. When I hear someone declare that they 'gave back as good as they got' (meaning some unpleasant treatment or words), I so pity that, since it implies that they let their own better nature and response be replaced by retaliation and mirroring the kind of unpleasantness which the other person had chosen to mete out to them. Doing that most often just chips away at one's true self, - sadly. Plus, one isn't as 'good at it' as its own originator! So - to add to the loss, whatever one hoped to gain by trading in one's own nature will gain little in the combat. The other person will have already scored the biggest 'win'. . . Tragic.

How pleased I am that you find my poetry worhy. :-)


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Hi. :) I don't know where it went. I meant to let you know I said it and it disappeared. Don't guess it matters much, though. It had just expressed my appreciation and I wanted you to know, and I think I also mentioned something about when just deciding for myself I am all for a risk - jumping to see if I don't miss when I land, so to speak. It's how I ended up in TX in the first place without knowing a single soul.

That entire poem would actually fit, not just the couplet.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

No problem. When you mentioned it that time, I got the message. I just wondered if I'd gone blind when I didn't see the previous comment.

At the risk of speaking out of turn. . . ;-) . . .

Well. . most everything one does (or doesn't do) is a risk in some measure.

Jumping into a quicksand pit is less of a risk. In fact, it's almost 100% certain what that landing will bring. So might say that it's not just the risk factor that's being taken.It's not a waste to scope out the situation at the end of the jump's trajectory before leaping. Repe ating a jump which ended less desirably might need more consideration. Would results of that landing in Texas actually be desireable? Maybe a bit of a plan before waiting to experience the results?


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Plans, yes, but then it is either do it or don't. Besides, you know what is said about the best laid plans. Sometimes over consideration means nothing gets done and the plan sort of becomes things remain as they are, maybe just for now. The problem with just for now, however, is that life is lived in the here and now. There's no guarantee of how long it lasts or if and when the "just for now" will pass - that is, unless a choice is made to end it.


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Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Nellieanna,

I had an angel whisper in my ear and she told me to come to this place... and what do I find? An angel! This has to be one of the most inspiring and powerful thing I've ever read. This couldn't be anymore fitting for this time in my life and it would've been so for the last several years. I have this massive desire to please everyone and in doing so, I am not pleasing myself. Some people will not go out of their way to tell you they are pleased and if you have to go asking for it; you have to wonder if the answer is sincere. Some people simply won't be pleased and they never will. I tire myself trying to be enough for everyone... when I'm already enough just being me. I need to learn to embrace the me and that is something I've always struggled with. This gives hope! I'm going to return to this often, maybe make it a daily chant :D

Truly beautiful words Nellieanna!

Hugs,

Cat


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

I know. My only thought was to pause and size it up with a clear eye before jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Thing about frying pans is that they are usually sitting over a flame or heat sources of some kind.

From WHERE one is making a spontaneous jump needs consideration, even if it's still a spur-of-the-moment type jump. I'm sure I needn't remind you of that. It was merely your likening the 'here and now' kind of decision to that which brought you to Texas, which had caused me to stop and think about that and its apparent results, as much as I'm aware of them, which is only slightly. You're the expert and 'final word' on all that!

Fact is, though, that now you are here, (and the frying pan is an apt metaphor for WHERE you are located in this 'here'), which IS your diving board and the fire is your view for your contemplated jump, - if and when you should decide the 'here & now' include the "go"! That's an unavoidable fact in the whole equation. But tt doesn't rule out thinking it through (i.e., some kind of basic plan for avoiding landing in the fire) would mitigate the value of a spontaneous jump in the here and now, which could be as soon as now, so long as you've some idea where your feet may touch ground before you leap.

I'm being Ms. Pot a bit. I thought of the escape route, too, trust me. Possibly my limitations were greater, but no less great. No point in reiterating those. It's yours and where you ARE that matter now.

I will mention that at least on one occasion, I considered just ending it. I think I was at or close to the time I wrote "Rain Dance", in fact! I didn't deliberately 'try' to ponder that option but a still small voice inside whispered that, if I were really ready to take that drastic a course of action, well, then - what on earth more did I have to lose by sticking with LIFE?? It made such sense and it was almost freeing, actually more than ending it would have been! It was almost as if, since I couldn't make a "wronger" move than taking my own life, no matter what I subsequently I did or didn't do after choosing life, - I WAS liberated FOR life! There'd still be the (slim) possibility that some other option might open up that would be a whole lot '"righter", - and I'd be 'there', alive, to embrace it, while, in the interim, a powerful rebirth was forming inside me, blossoming forth from my liberating experience.

Perhaps what DID actually happen within a few more years, WA S the liberation planned for me in my deepest self which had insisted on surviving instead of dying at my own hand; - even though it came in the form of the horrendous final scene which almost cost me my life at his hands and/or my freedom as a sane person, also - at his hands; and cost me the loss of my children anyway - again - at his hands, not by my own disobedience, as I'd feared I might touch off at any moment. BTW - I'd also developed colitis which was supposed to last the remainder of my life. It's aggravated by stress. I made a positive choice to NOT have it the rest of my life, I stopped the 'from now on' meds and got-at the causes - the stress.

I was spared to live again. Gradually there's even light at the end of the tunnel about the rest of my children, and theirs. It's pretty doggone gratifying. But I can see that I could have taken matters more positively into my own hands - possibly - with some real planning - much sooner and probably with less collateral damage.

I have no other experience with which to compare your present dilemma, dear Shan. Nothing in mine necessarily correlates. If not, so be it. If it does, so be it. It's all I've got.

In my own HERE & NOW, though, - what I've GOT to do is to get off my duff and do some serious planning, actualizing and steps necessarily to avoid some problems and to prepare for some good things. I'm taking time to eat my fruit, though it's nearly noon. I was up almost all night, on a very important mission. I got about 2 hours sleep, begun with the sun almost fully up & ending with it blazing through the windows!

I had some untended chores to finish before I could even lie down and awaiting when I got up. I almost decided to skip my fruit but, heaven knows, - when I'm not getting sleep, I do need my 'medicine': - fruit! It's the only reason I clicked on the computer; - I prefer to eat it and check on things online at the same time. However the fruit is disappearing too slowly so I may stash it in the fridge and go on and do the outside errands a- as soon as I have stuff prepared for them! (pant, pant)

These other things are only the tip of this iceberg I'm looking at here! I can see more value in moderation along the way. haha!

Love you, dear one. I know your good head and heart will guide you well in your here and now.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Nellieanna- how many times have you revised the above statement? LOL I see "heard" is corrected, Spinach Teeth. ;)

And the comment I just made right before I clicked the email link has disappeared. Should I wonder if the captain is feeding my remarks to the sharks? Should I go ahead and walk the plank, too? LOL

I'd said I love dearly and please take care of yourself. I understand what you're saying. :) Hugs.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Cat! You and I must have posted comments at the exact same time. Yours hadn't been posted yet when I began my reply to Shan, and I didn't think to look back after I filled the thread with that long comment and blocked the view! I just found yours 'up there'! Sorry 'bout that!!

Your comment is so beautiful and heart-felt! Thank you!

I perceive that about you, - that you want to please & appease. Yes, that urge to please everyone does often overpower taking care of oneself! And what happens when one's self runs out of steam due to being uncared for? . . . Well, there's simply not much left to give anyone else either. It really is well-illustrated by the fact that one needs to first put on one's own oxygen mask when the plane is in emergency, - in order to be able to help anyone else get his or hers on! It's especially vital in the case of a parent and a helpless child. If the parent perishes for lack of oxygen, the child won't be able to help itself!

Another factor about pleasing others is that being pleased is not a permanent kind of feeling, nor one with consistent responses. In fact, it's frequently fleeting, especially in matters of incidental daily pleasure or lack of it. One day, a person may prefer one thing, and the next it may have changed to the diametrically opposite preference. This isn't deliberate or a character flaw or fluke, nor is it unique to just certain people. We're all fluid in what touches our 'hot buttons' and pleases our palettes. It's a human trait to respond to things of the moment in different ways at different moments determined by factors going on then and there.

Same with other people's actions and efforts for our pleasure. We're not always turned on or off by the same things. It's part of being human. Humans are complex! Life itself changes its moods! Nature is in constant flux. Unless one is a mind-reader and/or in perfect sync with 'everyone else', there is no way one is going to be ABLE to even KNOW what would please everyone else at any given time,much less be able to supply it fast enough to keep up with the inevitable flux.

It's not always easy to please oneself, but it's possible, and it's one more person pleased in the world, which is somehow comforting to others. Being "enough just being me" is one of the kindest gifts one can give oneself AND everyone else, who're spared responsibility of having to try to supply it all for us and are encouraged by witnessing the ability to be more in sync with the self.

When you think about it, embracing the me isn't so hard. MIght be hard at first to peel off all the layers of 'not me' covering and camouflaging that real 'me'. Knowing you're 'in there' is encouraging, though, even if still struggling to find and embrace her. After all, Michelangelo visualized David in the block of granite before he removed the first piece of the stone that was NOT David! :-)

Thank you for your lovely comments and encouragement!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

haha Shan - I guess I've revisited enough times to 'a- almost' get it right. hehe.

No, Cap'n is cool. No shark-feeding going on. I'm sorry your post disappeared. Maybe it happened while I was a- almost getting mine right! :-}


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Probably. I'd hit post and there your comment was again, along with an email notification that you'd posted a comment. But, it was the same one, more or less. hehe. THe nice thing about doing one's own comments is that if one is truly that dissatisfied with them, one can delete them and do it over - no 5 min. hinderance.

By the way, that was "love you dearly", not just love dearly. I suppose you figured that out, though.

Ugh, right now I've got to get a new glass of tea to drink since the cat has his head down in my mug lapping it up for me. Very same cat stole my son's piece of broccoli the other night and made him scream bloody murder about the cat taking his food right off his plate. He just reached his paw over and scooped it off the plate.

I've also got to work on keeping my "equilibrium", as you put it. Sometimes I am good at it and nothing ruins my content mood. Other times reality walks through the door and smacks me in the face. It should not be this difficult, should it? Maybe I'll figure out the trick sooner rather than later.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

So! The 'revisions' register as new posts via email. They show up in My Activities on my profile page as posts, as well. Well, why not? They've been posted and could have remained active. On My Activities they usually they get lost among my active first or final posts when I'm replying to several comments by others on the same hub. It's OK.

Seems like their 5-min. editing limit lasts no longer than 2 or 3 minutes, and by the time one scrolls through a long comment locating the boo-boo and gets one error fixed, the 5 minutes can be used up, never mind other errors there! If one lingers too long, searching for them, the time is up and even one error wasn't corrected. Though I've usually edited offline before posting, still, when I see & read it when it's posted in the comment thread, the errors jump off the page! Know what I mean?

Yes, I did/do supply missing words such as in "love dearly". No problem.

What a cat is that! Amazing it craves tea and broccoli! Most unusual tastes for a cat! But it could use some manners. hahaha.

Ours never got on the table, never begged for or otherwise messed with our food, though their noses might twitch. ;-)

Funny, we never needed to harshly discipline them to behave. We'd been their 'parents' since birth and they seemed to just know or accept what was expected, or else they could be shown it with minor emphasis. They presented very few challenges or rebellions. Overall, just saying 'no' or touching them in a way to limit their anticipated action got it across and it 'stuck' & no more than a quiet 'no' or gentle touch was needed to remind them after that. They were allowed a lot of freedom, too, and were given a LOT of love, so they were satisfied. They lived indoors, too, which probably gave them a 'perspective'. They'd never really tasted the kind of independence cats get from fending for themselves outside. They always had us near.

Cats I've had over my lifetime, though, were both inside & outside cats. Very few situations arose needing any attention or correction, - so go figure. Still, no cats we ever had were ever permitted the table. I suppose, if they tried it, they were shooed away emphatically.

________________________

Equilibrium has these meanings:

a state in which opposing forces or influences are balanced: the maintenance of social equilibrium.

• a state of physical balance: I stumbled over a rock and recovered my equilibrium.

• a calm state of mind: his intensity could unsettle his equilibrium.

• Chemistry a state in which a process and its reverse are occurring at equal rates so that no overall change is taking place: ice is in equilibrium with water.

• Economics a situation in which supply and demand are matched and prices stable.

________________________

If a strong, forceful reality walks through the door and smacks one in the face, it disturbs one's equilibrium, the way a stone hurled into calm water rather dramatically and violently disturbs its surface. In both cases, the disturbance can be swallowed up by the recipient, but in both cases, it remains encapsulated inside the recipient and may alter some of its serenity. It joins other rocks in 'building' its 'floor' or foundation, certainly. That's not a bad thing.

The trait of the water, though, to be able to resume its composure and its own characteristics is one each of us can cultivate. If the same rock hits a sheet of glass, the glass is shattered, never to return to its original smoothness. It's too brittle, too unyielding to be able to simply swallow the rock and enclose it in itself. It resist. It's contribution to the recipient is negligible. It came and went as a unique attack.

Of course, either water or glass can be placed out of danger of being accosted by a rock's 'reality', and should be if they are being subjected to a barrage of rocks and other attacks. In general, though, vicissitudes of overall reality may & probably will find another rock or something else to hurl at them and to disturb their built-in vulnerabilities - and their characteristic ability to absorb or else to be shattered will continue to prevail.


shanmarie profile image

shanmarie 3 years ago from Texas

Yes, that cat is in need of some serious manners! I don't like cats on my tables or counter tops either. He does not like to take no for an answer and is usually banned either to another room or outdoors whenever the kids are eating. Perhaps it is due to the fact he was born outside under a pile of rubble and has been in and out his entire life. He even pretty much had to fend for himself for a couple months after the fire, though we did go to the lot the house was on every day to put food out for them.

As for your take on equilibrium - that's one of the things I love about you, Nellieanna - your ability to carry on a discussion the way you do. I hadn't really considered the water metaphor, though I'd realized equilibrium can and will be disturbed sometimes. Truthfully, I would hate for it never to be or it would basically mean losing the ability to feel, in which case I might as well not be alive at all. I think what bothers me most is, if we continue with a water metaphor, stones perhaps deliberately thrown into it cause unwanted ripples. In the past, I just sort of accepted things, at least on the surface and they did not disturb me as often or for as long. I was thinking about why now it is more difficult and I believe I know the answer, but unfortunately, knowing that does little for a solution. At least not one I would be content with.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ah, those felines. They've their own private kingdoms and will share well only if the whole matter is to their likings & done gracefully to their own standards. Otherwise, if they must arbitrarily share their realms, it will be done so reluctantly that there are sure to be sneaky repercussions! hehe We love 'em for who they are, and they allow us to make no mistake about who they are!

I like your radial thinking about the water metaphor. You truly 'GET IT'!

If water is anything, it is both easily disturbed AND adaptable even in its metaphors! That IS its equilibrium, - which it always resumes, once a disturbance has been responded to and the water has moved forward on its journey, - or if gets stuck in an enclosed pond or lake, it will quietly resume the shape of that 'container'.

Water has no container or shape of its own, as I'm sure you've noticed. It is either in motion or it has quietly assumed the shape of whatever container in which it finds itself! Sheer genius, is water!

So, of course, the main thing it IS is being in its moments which consist of the constant state of acceptance of anything thrust at it or into it. Other than when it freezes, it is ever so the epitome of, the definition, example and illustration of fluidity of change by 'going with the flow'. Even its surface ripples simply show it to be 'alive', though they may not be its preference. They pass and the water has all its original capabilities to lie passively and serenely unless and until something else may disturb it - temporarily. Even the bugs at evening landing on its surface followed by the hungry fish from within its depths rising to snap up the bugs are temporary disturbances.

Even the anglers' lines and baits rearrange its surface. My George delighted in casting the lightest line and bait he could find with the lightest and most flexible rod he could find upon the water's surface & then skillfully 'skip' the bait along the surface to trick a fish into perceiving it to be some tasty bug or fly! He always released the fish he caught back into the water; but it was like a ballet directed & performed by him, the water and the fish, beautiful to behold! ! I loved to watch & listen to this show - the gentle 'plop, plop, plop' of bait skipping acroee the water, as his wrists and arms 'played' it like an instrument. I often liked to try it too (making use of the proper equipment he'd given, partly to please him that I was using the light line, rod, etc.), - - till it grew stale for me & I'd prefer to return to my sketch pad or journal for disturbances more suited to my nature. He didn't mind.

As you say, - as the metaphor applies to humans, were it not similar for us - & sometimes it seems we aren't fluid so that the metaphor becomes the solid state instead of the liquid, in which state of matter we'd be as cold and lifeless as solid ice! It might be compared to a 'dead planet' such as the Moon, having no living, moving parts, nor wind to disturb them if it had any, - no storms to attack it (except a stray meteor or two from god-knows-where). You must NEVER freeze up or be too 'smart' for life's 'ripples'; - well perhaps just smart enough to outwit its hurricanes and tornados. :-)

Nothing stops the flow in human beings more effectively than perishing in the storms which might be planned for and averted or avoided.

I noticed my 'Life Is a Blackmailer' poem in our comments a bit ago and a couple of minor revisions came to me. No major change of meaning, rhythm or flow, but here's the revised version:

Life is a blackmailer

And we, his cowardly slaves,

Trying to buy love

And some kind of safety

With little bits of self.

We think we might outsmart

Or out-perceive this clever foe

But no,

For, what he craves

Are our hearts and souls.

We cannot conceive, believe

That, any way we turn, we find,

In clever guise,

Adapted to our views or our ideals,

He takes his tolls.

He lures our self-delusion,

And steals our innocence.

I think there is a freedom way

Which we must give each other

Or find it by ourselves.

______© Nellieanna H. Hay

rev-6-6-13


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Nellieanna,

No need for apologizing; I've found myself on a hub via email notification and it will lead me right to the 'last comment'. I have missed someone a time or two before and felt guilty myself, but it happens. And, look how long it took me to get back here!

You had some awfully beautiful and insightful things to say. I actually found myself choking up a couple of times. For one, when we tire ourselves out trying to please everyone with everything all the time, we neglect ourselves which will in turn, be no good for those whom we are trying to please in the first place. I think I may have learned this exhausting behavior from my mother, only to have it further cemented by my father. A very loving man, but he was never given the tools to express his gratitude and so those who desire his approval will find themselves seeking it endlessly. Never any confirmation. I think that's where it all began for me and I've had this unhealthy urge ever since. Even more, as you said; pleasing someone today does not guarantee pleasure tomorrow, it is a never ending job.

I remember hearing some philosophy about expecting our loved ones to be our saviors and complete us and make us happy. That is an unreal expectation and it will more than likely lead to resentment from both parties. If one cannot find a way to be enough for oneself, one cannot expect someone else to make that one, enough for said one. If I cannot love myself and be happy with me and I put that weight on another person and expect or hope for them to somehow magically make me love myself or be happy being me, then when they fail and they will, I will resent them for not doing enough.... you know what I'm saying?

I'm going to read this over and over again... and your response; you offered such lovely explanations and advice, even if unknowingly. Thank you, you are a very strong and positive person and I very much respect the journey you have taken that has led you here.

Hugs,

Cat


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Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

No, dear Cat, - not agonizing, - just acknowledging & getting on with it! :-)

You're so right about the attempt to please everyone mentality which inevitably leads one in circles to no destination or fulfillment for anyone involved!

It's a full-time occupation to simply be attentive to one's present moments. Diffusing one's effort on an almost certainly futile quest trying to attend to others' ever-changing needs can get both one's own and everyone else's needs at least half-slighted!

Doesn't mean that one's own 'here and now' can't be shared or assigned to being mindful of others' need, which for specific reasons may be out of their immediate control in the time at hand. Firefighters do it, as do medical & spiritual comforters; but even they must replenish themselves in order even to hope to be able to take care of those instances when their help is desperately needed by others. We must learn to discern which is which.

OCS pleasers can become nearly foreigners in their own skins and still not really be effective as they hoped by attempting to be there & available for all at all times, which may cause anxiety or even illness, sometimes.

Nor is it possible to 'make' anyone love us, not even our own selves. Love arises from its own source deep within. We need to take our cues from pets who simply give and receive love to and from its own repository without effort. It surely shouldn't be an endless JOB, trying to keep up with loving and to please everyone till it becomes a chore, which is not IT!

Of course, we need to allow time to notice & to relate to what' s happening with others & then let love pour forth. Rushing around exhausting ourselves just complicates it and siphons off our energy needlessly.

You're right about the futility of expecting loved ones to somehow be our saviors, to complete us & to "make" us happy, which is another of those oxymorons like 'trying' to 'make' someone love us.

Yes, I do know what you're saying. Questing for a savior seems to be a wide-spread mind-set, often reflected in love songs & other popular communications, as though it were desirable and the essence of love to need & find a savior to complete us, when perhaps it's the exact opposite. Even if it were possible to create for someone a sense of total safety & completeness, it would create a kind of dependence, causing it to seem that otherwise, without that source always on hand, that one would be 'partial' & incapable of sustaining a sense of happiness & self-capability, otherwise. So - if that 'savior" couldn't always be right there, which is inevitable, how helpless it would feel if this mindset prevailed.

We need to feel secure that all the good stuff won't vanish if "the" someone has other obligations to serve & other interests to pursue, besides us! It could cause two people to be so bound up that both would become dependent and vulnerable, if alone - &/or, as you said - to become resentful and peeved at each other.

Yes, we can & do learn these mindsets from our role models without realizing it's happening. Once learned & internalized, they're not simple to shake off, especially when so much in the environment encourages those very attitudes & actions, as if they were the ideal!

My eldest sister shocked me once by saying that 'there is nothing so selfish as an unselfish mother!" It took me awhile to figure out what she meant, which was that it teaches a child to be both dependent & often, demanding. The truly selfless mother wants her children to become independent and strong individuals.

I'd begun my reply to you, Cat, but many things have arisen, - good things, - but needing attention. Sorry it's taken so long! Hugs!


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Nellieanna,

Oh my goodness, you could... you should write a hub about this; that is of course, assuming you already haven't! How insightful and beautiful and it's not the words from a psychology book, but from a heart, mind and soul that has lived and breathed!

'being mindful of others' needs' - that is what I most need to drill into my head. I am all to concerned with tending to each and every need of each and every person when I can only be useful to myself and others if I am meeting my own needs while being 'mindful' of others. It's like a compromise, a happy-medium. Learning to discern 'which is which', in regards to immediate desperate needs and much more generic and not time-pressing needs is an excellent way to think about it. We can't be there for everything all the time but if we can be there for the most important, most of the time... then that should suffice.

Feeling secure that all good stuff won't 'vanish'; that about brought tears to my eyes. How true and powerful. I think when one is tired of bad and praying for good she will tend to fear the good slipping away and fear the bad returning. That, right there; that thinking... could change my life.

Your sister sounds as brilliant and perceptive as you! Though that statement almost sounds unflattering in ways, it is so very deep and I get it.

Lastly... I had this page open since it said '3hours ago' next to your name... it's been almost 40 hours; these things happen. Remember this... you can't please everyone all the time :D

No apologies necessary... or I am forced to be sorrowful as well!

Hugs!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you, Cat. It seems that my words from 'heart, mind and soul that have lived and breathed' come pouring forth in response to someone with whom I relate right then, more than in a hub I may have sat down to deliberately write, in hopes of capturing them. I've begun keeping copies of some of what I've written in comments if it seems to have a more general application, maybe to compile into a book someday. But meantime, living and breathing and relating to the people in my here and now continues to flow and leaves little time or thought left over to worry about compiling a book! haha!

Yes - you said it perfectly: - it is a happy-medium between focusing your full being on others and keeping yourself attended so that you discern when and how much to do and focus in either direction. One rule of thumb comes from truly looking at what you CAN do for you and for them. Very often, our power to do more than be mindful of those others is the most value we can truly offer, while we have both the power and the responsibility to help ourselves!

I've certainly discovered at times that trying to do much more for "them" actually complicates it for them in various ways, depending on their own personalities and factors, of which no one else, including I - can truly 'know' and feel.

Another factor for oneself is to give others credit for being 'up to' handing their own affairs effectively and well. It's possible for one's best intentions to imply they couldn't without one's help! haha Their self-confidence that they are up to it may be a key factor in their ability to see it clearly and apply themselves to it.

One book that I read years ago which has helped me immeasurably - among many! - is "The Wisdom of Insecurity", by Alan Watts. The reality is that life, by it's nature - IS insecure from conception to death. When it gets 'secure' (or we try to fasten it down), it's at least tied down from being able to live forth (not knowing all) &, at worse, it stops the movement that makes it life, so it literally perishes.

Once that is realized, though, then there is a wonderful freedom to move forward, accepting its uncertainties, doing what one can to manage them without becoming all bound up, and trusting that the movement and the foreword movement IS and will lead to more possibilities than one may have otherwise imagined while one is all knotted up worrying about the insecurity and inevitable changes that life brings. The majority of them turn out to be for the best anyway - if we're open and willing to let them unfold without the fear and panic.

That sister was the one born in 1918 who died, along with her whole family - 3 children and her husband and their maid - in 1953 in a gruesome car-train crash. She was gorgeous, 'perfect', from another generation, and had some opinions I couldn't differ with but couldn't accept, as well as many that were good & helped make me who I am in some ways. She had a tremendous influence - actually great control - over me, especially between my ages 19 -21, when she'd decided I was not OK the way I was. haha - (she never really knew me, actually, which was a loss for us both). Her death was one of the most traumatic things in my life. I'd escaped her after graduating from college where the control had been imposed and which she intended to continue it indefinitely. I was not forgiven when she died. Also - I'd have been with them, had I stayed. Go figure. One cannot quarrel with the strong influences i one's life, even if, perhaps, one 'should have' resisted more. It set me up to accept too many other harsh influences, but I was old enough to know better. So we take responsibility for and charge of what has happened and move forward - sometimes having to struggle for many years as a result - and sometimes the aftereffects continue for even many more years. I'm into such an outcome right now. But it is mostly very good. So - there you go.

I've long-sense given up trying to please everyone. I simply put my effort into being as much a blessing as possible and being my own person so, at least, I'm a positive example.

I don't want you to be sorrowful, but I know it's yours to feel if you do and to live on past if you do - or to just live past it instantly!! :-)

Hugs - dear Cat!!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

ps - MANY more hours have passed between comments here, - time when I've not been totally free or able to get back here to reply as I wished (or to remove all the spinach!)

So - - OK. :-) - Here I am, now! Not going to be cast away because of it - - ;-) Hugs again!. :-D


DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 3 years ago

I just want to let you know I am a creature of habit.When I find something I like I go back time and time again to enjoy wonderful words and so many good thoughts.Reading your comments are so much funThey are like a hub in itself.Loving your work and God Bless and hope the day may go by slow so you can accomplish so much more.Your friend Michael.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ah - dear Michael. (I've held off addressing you by your given name because I hadn't seen you sign yourself on HP by it. But now I feel privileged to!)

Thank you, dear friend. I'm pleased that my words convey their meaning to you. I've been amazed by some great family developments lately, and have been less 'present' here than usual, but of course, my nature demands this writing and my beautiful friends here!

Hope all is well with you!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

oops - wouldn't post - then posted twice! haha. Substituting this for the duplication!


Cantuhearmescream profile image

Cantuhearmescream 3 years ago from New York

Nellieanna,

That makes a lot of sense what you said about responding in the moment with real, then and there feelings as opposed to constructing a hub with well-thought deliberation. I have a tendency to go back and forth and have quite the discussion on many hubs, often my own… but none are like the novels exchanged with you, ha ha. I watch the written Google ads change on my page as more discussion develops that is often times irrelevant to the hub itself… luckily I’m not making money from them anyway, so I just laugh as I see them change to accommodate the comment section. Some of the most insightful things I’ve read and maybe even written have come from the comment section of hubs. What a book that would be… like Chicken Soup for the Soul!

That’s true as well, and I’ve never really thought about doing too much can actually complicate things and I can see how there would be different scenarios where that could very well be the case and I believe, now reflecting, that I probably have done that more than once myself.

Ohh, that’s sooo true that we can actually steal the sunshine or help where it may not have necessarily needed but assumed it was wanted. Sometimes I think when you have that helpful nature, you have a tendency to start misreading signs for help. I definitely don’t think I’m one step on toes, especially as I’ve found myself getting tired just doing the things I’m asked of, it doesn’t leave much time or energy to offer help when not asked. Phew, I know that can really bother most people and my mother sometimes has a tendency to ‘help’ where it’s not always needed. Especially being her child… just as you said, she makes me feel as if ‘I wouldn’t otherwise know’ particularly when it comes to parenting. In her eyes she’s being helpful and many times she is, but sometimes I’m just insulted to think she would think I wouldn’t know how to handle something if she didn’t put her two cents in. With that, she’s far more helpful than harmful but I think there’s probably a need for a parent to always parent to a certain extent, even when their children are fully grown and parents themselves.

I think I could really appreciate the concept in that book; I might just check it out. That entire perspective could be very helpful to me, as I’ve mentioned, I struggle with some pretty heavy insecurities and it’s almost a way of life for me, I’ve just about accepted it. It’s kind of a sad place when you know what your ‘problems’ are and have that kind of an awareness, yet not know how to change them. I imagine the only thing I need to change is my way of thinking.

I can’t imagine how ‘unclosed’ that whole situation must’ve been with that girl that died in the train accident. I’d also imagine that you never got to have that feeling that you were given the opportunity to either ‘prove’ yourself to her or at least accept that it was her problem and not yours in the first place.

I think I’m probably in that ‘struggle for years’ phase right now, but at least I see it as that and I’m pretty confident that there will come a day where this will not be the case. I just hope it’s not a day full of regret that I wasted so many years worried.

You certainly are a blessing and a positive example, so mission accomplished! :D

I have to say that I’ve had this page open at least 3 times in the last three days… I just can’t ever seem to stay on one page for very long before I find myself pulled away.

Thank you for all your wonderful and very insightful comments… they truly help!

Hugs to you!

Cat


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hello, dear Cat!

I'm so pleased to hear back from you!

Well, there are times and places for constructs, but saying/writing it here and now feels more spontaneous and even more authentic, especially if thoughts have been stirred by a particular person and are being replied to that person, directly!

There may be other times when giving more thought to a reply, for various valid reasons, must be one's better choice. People whose love is to write and to think have some ongoing advantages in being able to express thoughts rather accurately and understandably, in either mode. I know you do!

I've never subscribed to Adsense or attempted or intended to make money from writing on HP, from my first day to this day. But I'd spent a lot of time and effort trying to build my arranged poetry hubs around those ads, often only seeing how they'd 'lay' with the ads when actually published; then requiring more juggling. I finally asked myself "why?" - Why all that struggle when I can just opt out of the ads? I went back and removed all ads from all my hubs of the past and have been opting out ever since. I get what I came for & so be it if it affects my scores, etc. Those are not my measurement of self-worth, either.

I guess one can sort of measure how welcome 'help' one is trying to offer is by considering how welcome help is for oneself in various instances & for various reasons within the circumstances. How does it make one feel? How helpful is it? Does it actually complicate one's efforts in some way? Stuff like that. I've been guilty of offering it where my more judicious answers to those kinds of considerations would have been to hold off and maybe just offer my presence via a hug or some less demanding 'help'. haha.

It's seldom a mistake to let the other person ask for help and to be very careful not to overstep what the request really is. We 'helpful' folks tend to want to 'fix' it for the other person. Of course, we can NEVER do that, EVER. So sometimes, merely encouraging the person that one can see how capable the person is to handle it, and DEMONSTRATING that by standing back and not attempting to take it out of the person's hands either emotionally or literally, while still cheering the person on, can be more help than anything else. Even if the person stumbles and falls in the process (as kids often do when trying their wings) - those experiences are building essential strength and better judgement.

I've sometimes thought that, when parents are so protective & solicitous of their young children under their care & roof, they're sending those children out into the actual adult flow of life as unprepared as if they'd raised a baby wild animal all its life and then suddenly let it out into the wild to fend for itself when its size seemed 'grown', when, in fact, its real VITAL growth had been stunted.

Same in people. An emerging, maturing sense of self-direction and responsibility can't just blossom from nothing when a person gets a drivers' license, a voter registration and a marriage license. Yet many people of ages to qualify for those are no more equipped to manage them responsibly than they'd have been at birth, other than having learned to use others to advantage - or so they think. They've been denied some vital education, in fact. It's not a matter of punishment to have learned young to take responsibility for one's actions. Feeling the burden of their own actions and learning to assume responsibility for them - in a protected environment of home and loving parents to help guide that prepares them to continue the growth process as more demanding adult life comes to them.

"The Wisdom of Insecurity" addresses the fact that LIFE itself, in order to BE alive - IS insecure. Knowing that fully, one is more able to flow with it, understand it, enjoy it and appreciate it in its process. When you mention struggling with heavy insecurities, those may be linked to the general insecurity of all that IS, but the book doesn't come at those feelings as if they were pathological or so one must either 'beat them' or shrug & resign oneself to them like some sort of a malady. It helps see that it IS not a 'way of life' - but IS LIFE; - but IS life designed to grow & flourish within its lack of rigid certainty and 'security'. Realizing that life itself STOPS when it becomes 'secure', certain or fixed is an eye-opener! What one may feel 'wobbly' about is life working itself out to move on ahead - productively, positively, in its vital flow. You've summed it up: ". . . the only thing I need to change is my way of thinking. . . ." - because when our thinking about it is positive rather than negative - it's free to move along and find what's needed along the banks; i.e.: the times of living it, then to apply each step of that and keep moving - LIVING! :-)

The actual truth about my sister's death was it was simply THERE and it was that it WAS a closed, done-deal, with nothing further I could do about any of it up till then. Its after-effects were not about her but about me & where did I go from there. Nothing I did or didn't do caused their accident; what I did, saved my life then from dying with them; - and, indirectly, also nearly destroyed it in the aftermath by my own judgment errors. These are merely part of the history of my life, which, I think, has turned out pretty well. It's all in the details that one lives. It's good to be able to see how each piece of the puzzle fit together to bring one to one's present point. That helps in choosing the next - and the next. . .

They may seem a struggle, but every moment of every day is immeasurably valuable. The prize is not off in the future somewhere or sometime. Now IS IT. There are no valid regrets, only experiences for lessons to carry forward into the next now - if it comes. Nothing is wasted, because it's all made up of the stuff of life - with its many facets and uncertainties - except for the one: that it is a good journey and can be improved as we become more in sync with it & with ourselves. Whoo - Hoo! :-)


AudreyHowitt profile image

AudreyHowitt 3 years ago from California

Beautiful work! Your light just shines in your work--I know that you must be aware of that, but every time I read your work I am struck anew by the sheer wattage of your inner light!


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS Author

Audrey - I'm simply overwhelmed by such lovely praise from someone I so admire! Thank you!


DDE profile image

DDE 2 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

"I Gotta Be Me" Is an amazing hub with such great emotions you have what it takes.


Harishprasad profile image

Harishprasad 2 years ago from India

Nellie, your beautiful poems here are such that one can learn a real art of living. Also, you not only weave a phantasy apart but tell us the ways how to appreciate things , persons and incidents. Your poems are laced with such effects that instill immortality in mortal things. The more I read your insightful poems, the more pleasure and peace I derive from them. You are a wonderful craftswoman. My words are not worth to describe aptly your remarkable art. Loved reading this wonderful hub. Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hello, DDE - so pleased that you visited this hub, one of my earlier ones. Yes, it is inspired by and filled with genuine emotions.

Whenever one fully realizes one’s own ‘being’ and embraces it fully, it recharges one and changes one’s perspective in showing the fact that most things don’t just “happen” to one like a helpless victim, but are natural results of one’s own direct and indirect choices. Knowing that, one can begin to make choices more wisely, with more confidence and conviction! Also comes the awareness that there will be consequences of whatever one does and to take more conscious charge of them! haha.

Glad you liked this. Thank you.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 2 years ago from TEXAS Author

Harish, thank you. I write spontaneously in the moments in progress, sometimes as a participant and sometimes as an observer. Probably that gives what is written a special power and connection with others who also experience life as it comes and goes. No matter the differences in details, the ‘big’ awarenesses are rather shared and can be communicated in various ways. Poetry seems a quite direct way.

I very much believe in the value of being open, alive, alert and aware of one’s surroundings, from the smallest little flower or creature to the major events which affect all of humanity, while always in their specifics, effects and interpretations, they enter each of us from each of our own genuine perspectives, - which no one else can possess or contribute! So each of our own perspectives is a contribution to the ‘whole’ of humanity’s resources.

I’ve gradually absorbed some of life’s own lessons over so many years of ‘being at it’ , so of course the fruits of those come to the surface in my writings at times. Both the ‘ups’ and the ‘downs’ give one a more balanced perspective, and will always be part of living.

I am very blessed to have the articulation to express some of it, which I’ve done mostly as reminders to myself as each new experience is in progress. I’m sure many folks are vessels of wisdom but may not always have the ability to share it. I’m not exceptional, but I am very blessed to just be ‘me’ and to do what I can and must do with my ongoing life being lived.

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