"Impression" - watercolor by__© Nellieanna H. Hay
"Impression" - watercolor by__© Nellieanna H. Hay | Source
       Charcoal - "Woods Knell"
Charcoal - "Woods Knell" | Source

Just now

You touched me

With your mind.

And it enveloped me

In kind.

It happens


______© Nellieanna H. Hay

Quiet soul,

What would you sing,

Were you not silent?

Allegro joy? Percussive query?

What arpeggio would you impart?

I’m weary of the limbo in the melody.

Please start

To sing your song ~

And bring

The symphony to me.

_____© Nellieanna H. Hay

Life lives in every moment, ~

For time apart from life

Is ~ meaningless.

Yet all of time that is, ~

Is infinite

In every moment ~

As it’s lived.

______© Nellieanna H. Hay

Watercolor - "Dawning"
Watercolor - "Dawning" | Source

More by this Author


kaltopsyd profile image

kaltopsyd 6 years ago from Trinidad originally, but now in the USA

Yay, I'm the first to comment! What an honour. :-)

I like "Song", it really reminded me of music, especially the words you used to brilliantly. Lovely poetry to entertain me at the 2 AM hour.


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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Right, kaltopsyd! I'm honoured that you are! And you didn't need to scroll 'way down or anything. hehe - Glad you were awake to notice the hub and that you enjoyed it. Thank you for appreciating that one! I remember that you have a musical background & bent! :-)

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

I absolutely am enthralled with your poetry.

Merlin Fraser profile image

Merlin Fraser 6 years ago from Cotswold Hills

" Life’s a masterpiece In progress,"

Yours most certainly is and what a pleasure it is to come here and find more Gems from your pen and brush.

Micky Dee profile image

Micky Dee 6 years ago

You dance on soft thoughts.

Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

Infinite life equals infinite Meanings to define each moment;)

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MPG Narratives 6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

Your words and your artworks are to be cherished. Thank you Nellieanna for giving me the pleasure of reading and viewing your work.

SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 6 years ago from Philippines

There is sadness in your painting and they echo in your writings. What happen to the joyful Nellieanna that I have come to love and cherish. ; )

Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

marvelous work again nelli. thanks

always exploring profile image

always exploring 6 years ago from Southern Illinois

Very beautiful your words of thought.

Thank You

MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 6 years ago from South Africa

The background (music) of this intermezzo provoked anticipation in me, as if a bride will make her appearance any moment. Beautiful, Nellieanne! Voted UP!

drbj profile image

drbj 6 years ago from south Florida

Nellieanna - Beautiful, touching, lyrical, sensitive, meaningful, expressive . . . and so is your lovely poetry. :)

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SilverGenes 6 years ago

'Song' reminded me of the paintings by Emily Carr. She saw the trees as having spirits and she painted them in many moods and colours.

And you can guess how I love the rest, 'brush mis-strokes and all'. Nellieanna, your words dance across the page to the music of your soul and it is a beautiful thing to behold. Thank you!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Breakfastpop! Well, I'm enthralled with your enthusiasm. Thank you most kindly!! You're so kind!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dear Merlin, my friend! You weave your magic spell! Thank you for such wizardly words! I cherish them!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Micky - They're so much easier on the feet and ankles! And I do love to dance! :-) Thank you!!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes, Mentalist acer, - of course. The moments arrive on our attention's threshhold and leave it with their unique meanings and characteristics, only to be followed by the next moment's richness.

Perhaps that fluidity - non-finite in their parade across this finite plane, may be the main characteristic they have in common and may then carry into infinity on an infinite plane, as well.

Thank you for your thoughful and significant comment and for visiting my hub! You always bring me food for thought!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

mpg - I have such high regard for your writings and presentations, it's an honor for you to visit and to enjoy mine!

Thank you!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Silent Reed - I'm right here, a composite of all my feelings and experiences. Fact is, much of the blossoming of poetic writing I'm sharing was penned during a time of personal stress & trial. It was helpful in my quest to maintain my positive self as I truly am & to not succumb to negativity. It was a real challenge.

You're right, I am a joyous person by nature. But I needed to learn the wisdom of experiencing all my feelings & allowing all my impressions in reality, in order that my joy be authentic when it held forth, which it always does. I found it to be the best way for me, since I'm no good at pretense. So if sadness came upon me, I allowed it to play out for its own duration, but didn't cling to it. Letting it be & then letting it go is vital, though not easy to learn.

I believe that to be a secret of happiness which is real. It is for me, anyway. Thank you for caring and for the lovely words!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

My sweet Nikki! Thank you - and I greatly appreciate your opinion! Please read my reply to Silent Reed above. Hugs.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Always exploring - thank you for the lovely compliment! Your visits to my hubs are very much appreciated.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Martie - such a lyrical impression you had. Thank you. I love the way you express it! Your poetic soul is a treasure!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

drbj! Lovely words! Brought moisture to my eyes because it reminded me how George loved giving that sort of subtle compliment - praising the "thing" and then saying the "thing" was also praiseworthy and leaving me smiling. That was really special to me. You do me honour.

Thank you.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Alexandra - I must run find out about Emily Carr's paintings. I'm sure they're wonderful if they came to your mind. She's surely much more talented than I, & will be an inspiration to meet.

Those trees I sketched & that day were very special - at Lake 'o The Pines in East Texas in late autumn, not long before the park was to be shut down for the winter. The scent of fallen leaves, campfires and breakfasts cooking permeated the air, which was crisp and refreshing. I'd brought along a few art things and actually sketched that one & another one in the same setting, with pencil on what was almost pulp paper; hence its aged newspaper look; really how it is. I hadn't expected to like them so much! haha. So later I scanned them & superimposed the poems. which were written in another woods in Indiana years earlier. The other sketch I mention is on another hub.

I love trees but confess that I'm a little intimidated by too many, too close & too tall! Again, part of my West Texas heritage, similar to a bit of intimidation by oceans.

Maybe it's healthy to be intimidated by some of nature's wonders! Great canyons are also magnificently intimidating! So is the intimacy of a flower or a blade of grass. What a world we have to revel in!

I thought you might like "brush mis-strokes and all." I added that to the little one-liner from years ago! After all, what is a masterpiece if it's machine-like perfect & doesn't bear evidence of the master's unique touch? It needs some mis-strokes to identify it as authentic and personal!

Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 6 years ago from United States

I very much enjoy your poetry. It is beautiful.

Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 6 years ago

Beautiful poem, and I love your first painting.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Pamela - how kind of you to say so! Thank you!!

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ingenira - thank you for the lovely compliment to the poems & painting!

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ralwus 6 years ago

Shiit! all I can say now is: Dam you're good! All those little florets of shining sweetness and wisdom emanates from your laughing soul, I see it in your eyes. yes. If I could sing, it would be praise for you. Charlie

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Thank you, darlin' - but those florets and laughing soul emerged from serious tribulation. And you just did - sing! Thank you!

Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, your poems are like music, flowing into the next one without a break in the beat, I love after image, and recognise each other, so lovely, nell

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Nell - thank you for those lovely words! You're so gracious!

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equealla 6 years ago from Pretoria, South Africa

Nellieanna, my hubbie and me see each other only three to four times a year, because we both pursue our own dreams, and do allow one the other to have space to live life to the fullest means. Most people do not understand our marraige, but we have so much strength in our bonding that distance does not matter.

I suppose this is why I can understand so much of your poetry. It is part of my being who I am.

The most amazing of it all, while he was with me, on the 04th of August, I had a soulmate, very far away, in Mexico and also very near to my heart. And she sat down and wrote us a poem. They recognised each other, has happened the very first time we saw each other until.. they love each other each time they meet again.

There are so many poems of you, that I will be able to add to a scrapbook photo profile of our life together, and your words will tell the whole story.

You definitely have the talent to enclose life experience of all in a nutshell of words. You are ever so precious to me. Thank you for that!

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Equealla - what lovely comments and tributes. You honor and awe me. I must admit I can't quite relate to choosing to only see each other a few times a year if being together were a choice. But I can relate to having distance be meaningless, as well as to having your own space regardless of closeness or distance. George & I were inseparable yet each of us had our own space within our proximity. We knew even before we married that we both needed both being together and having room within that to enjoy each of our own separate interests, as well as our valuing of simple aloneness. Each of us grew as people having vast times of aloneness - though neither of us had ever felt "lonely". It's quite a different thing. But we were always within earshot and always came together frequently during every day. There was a tremendous mutual respect in our relationship, as well as the love and affection. We LIKED each other and couldn't wait to tell each other things we'd thought about or had on our minds.

I do feel I can understand the strength of your bonding so that distance isn't a factor, though. But I'm also fascinated by the soulmate in Mexico. If I understand correctly, she and your husband also feel the soul-mate bond? Or is it simply that her feeling includes your marriage and all that it means to each of you as persons? But it sounds more that they feel the soulmate bond one-on-one too. In a way - though a stretch - it's sort of a spiritual menage a trois?

I'm honored that my poems seem to fit your life so personally. I'm in process of trying to transcribe thousands of my poems from their hand-written original state (or hand-written selected ones which I've copied into blank books I've compiled over the years. I've also hand-copied into blank books selected poems for a few very dear friends). It's an interesting task and the lovely thing is that the list of those 335 I've thus far typed up into their individual files (which I've named by their first-lines, since few have titles) - are finally alphabetized so that I can more easily FIND one I'm looking for! I'm skipping around at times, and at other times, going through the many notebooks, page by page.

It's such a daunting challenge - but a most satisfying one, which I feel that only I could do satisfactorily. They were written down as I was inspired to write them, on plain lined note-book paper by hand, of course, in the chronological order in which I wrote them, each one dated. then placed into the kind of notebook covers which have a separate front and back cover, and the pages are secured with a long metal gadget to hold them together. There are about 8 or so of these, each about 2 or 3 inches thick. Then there are others jotted down on various paper and kept in large envelopes. I have been a most prolific poet!

But in the blank books in which I compiled selected verses, I didn't usually include the dates they were written. I hadn't been adding their dates till the last few I've typed up. But I probably will from now on. These poems were written almost as my diary, Equealla, so I know & remember exactly what was going on which may hve inspired the poems directly or which may have prompted me to dream of better things to come. They were never intended to be viewed by anyone else, in fact, they were so personal. Other than gifts of hand-written ones and then a few I've included on my personal website, most have never been seen by anyone else till now. I say that partly to let you know how special it is for you to be keeping some in your personal scrap-book. They're not just quotations from some public poet, you see. They are a little bit of myself there.

So anyway - they're very real life experiences, as you feel them to be. It's gratifying that some of them touch someone else's personal experiences in some way too! Thanks for sharing how it touches yours!

The dates have been their indexing & the only clue I've had to know even approximately where to look for one I wanted! LOL. Usually to find a specific poem, though, has meant pouring through pages and pages looking for it. As I'm getting more and more of them typed up onto my computer, I can find them, make sure i'm not repeating them and having them more easily available. I'm about to start backing them up on a large external hard-drive too.

50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

Nellieanna, I really enjoyed these, and I'm just now, in my late years beginning to delve into poetry and finding I like it and 5 years back I wouldn't have stopped to read it at all. Seems to me that what I've read from your pen, you should be published! I ran the buttons up, thanks, 50

Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 6 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for such wonderful, wonderful poems. They were so enjoyable.

saddlerider1 profile image

saddlerider1 6 years ago

Neilleanna I don't have words to describe my feelings about your poems as they are simply masterpieces. I do know however that you are opening up the hearts of so many hubbers. It's very evident by the responses we leave and the joy and peace we find in your creative expressive mind.

How nice of you to open up like a book about your life, your marriages, your hurts, joys and tribulations, simply amazing. Like so many on here who open up to share.

The left comment by equealla and your equally beautiful response just blows my mind. I am so happy that you saved all those poems and are now indexing them to make it easier for you to share with the folks in your life that you love and admire.

I know you are often asked to Publish them and I fully understand at this stage of your life you are simply happy to share them and get them out for people in your life and on here a chance to see your inner being and core values.

I am always in awe and humbled by your deepest expressions on life, there doesn't seem to be a subject that you can't give an awesome intelligent comment to. Thank you for being just YOU with your down to earth concern and guiding hand to us your friends on the hubs.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Dusty - How gracious of you to share your feelings about poetry in general and mine in particular! Thank you so much!

I've mentioned in my comments on my poetry hubs before that I'm not the greatest example of a poetry lover myself. I do love poetry which "speaks to me" but I'm quite impatient with 'poetry for poetry's sake' which sometimes seems to be the case. So I can understand when someone admits he/she really hasn't always been wild about poetry. It's all the more gratifying if the person seems to like mine! So thank you!!

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hello, hello - I'm pleased you came by and enjoyed the poems! Makes me feel so good, too!


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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Ken - your words are so nice to hear! There are so many great hearts on here! It just keeps amazing me!

It's hard to adequatly express how nice it feels to be not only well received but in ways that say people feel better for having read my poems. That's just inexpressively gratifying!

Yeah - I'm not really someone who "wears my heart on my sleeve" but in the years I've been online, I've found others often feel more at ease about their issues if they realize someone else has had some similar. Since once we've moved past those trying times & issues, we could appear that life has always been a bed of roses for us, so that to attempt to say. "I understand", even though we really do, if it looks impossible that we ever had an issue beyond what color to paint the wall, a person who might really need to express their own issues just wouldn't. Not that I feel that my mission is to do so, by any means, but I do feel empathy quite frequently & would be sad if I might have been able to offer an encouraging word but was limited by appearances.

There's hardly any way I can share this poetry without exposing many deeper feelings & personal experiences, actually. I was able to save them when I realized they could be burned any time only by keeping hand-written backups. I still don't think they look quite right in print! LOL. But I'm gettng more accustomed to that.

Well I surely don't aim to be a "know-it-all" - because I definitely DO NOT! But yes, one, I've collected ample experience, & two, am not as self-conscious about mentioning it if it sorta fits. Anyway, what are they gonna do with me,- give me "one to life" for butting in? LOL. Anyway if my comments weren't at least a little welcome, I'd quickly withdraw from offering them. If it does no more than stir considerations of yet another perspective, I'm happy. I'm constantly being stirred by others' ideas, too!

Thanks again for your very gracious and kind words, Ken! You're quite a guy!

M Selvey, MSc profile image

M Selvey, MSc 6 years ago from United Kingdom

Dear Nellieanna,

"For I am simply this:

A soul, a heart, a mind

All new, all me,

Born, unique, being

Here ~ to live my story."

Your beautiful words heal! Still reeling from the saddest three weeks of my life to date and finally catching up. I knew your words would soothe - as they always do.

I love all of these but the poem from the words pasted hit the center core!

Thank you!!!


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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Oh, dear, Margit - I'm so sorry to hear that. Hope you're healing daily. I can only imagine what sadness it had to be to qualify as the saddest. Wish I could hug you. I know you, though - you'll pull through. If my words help, I'm so glad. Thank you.

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miss_jkim 6 years ago


As I sit here sipping my morning coffee, reading your poetry and gazing at your artwork, I am, once again, amazed. Your poetic style is just as simple and elegant as your art.

Your paintings are as soft and tender as your poetry and it quiets and sooths the soul.

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Miss_jkim - thank you. It's so pleasing to hear that my work is pleasant and soothing! I really like that. Hugs.

Healing Touch profile image

Healing Touch 6 years ago from Minnetonka, MN

You bring peace to my heart in these heartfelt poems. I especially love the last one on life. To not be in it is meaningless.

Always a gem to stop by.

Healing touch

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes, HT - it is so. As it happens is when it's here, when we can participate in it. So easy at times to think it will begin "when..." but of course - "then" will have become "now" and if we haven't learned to be here in now, we'll still be thinking of some future "when". It's relatively simple, but seems to be difficult to keep it focused at times. Of course 'now' includes whatever we're working on & our hopes which may come to fruition "then" - but we have to BE in each moment of it if any of it's to have meaning.

Thanks always for your heart-felt comments.

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hubpageswriter 6 years ago

For time apart from life is meaningless. - Such a beautiful line there, and the rest too. What a lovely poetry. I am not so good with words, but when I read this, I'm totally in awe.:)

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

hubpageswriter - thank you! I appreciate your mentioning what you especially life - and I think you are quite good with words! Those you used to tell me you liked this are awesome!! :-)

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

im sad right now and i need to learn how to let it go...

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

I understand. . . You've made a first strong good step. You acknowledged the honest feeling. It is a feeling of the NOW. It may be the feeling of the 'now' in a few more minutes - or hours - but it has a life expectancy. If it's put on "life support" to keep it alive, it becomes disproportionate & also blocks out room for new and other feelings of their own "nows" to arise and fill your being.

You're the ONLY one who can realistically look at the SAD you feel now & ascertain when its expiration date is.

If you're not sure, - when it no longer involves your whole being but you feel you need to remind yourself that you're sad & hang onto it, almost to validate that it's been real, & you hate to admit that you've sunken into a pity-party with no live guests - - that's when you can and must recognize it's just the carcass of that feeling & let it go, so it won't be decaying inside you and stinking up your innards! You can cheerfully distract yourself from dwelling on it. That gives it permission to move on out.

But doing what you can & must do is really not cutting it off because technically & medically - it has already bitten the dust & ceased to generate its own passion - it's gone except for the life-support you may be inclined to put it on.

Perhaps one feels inauthentic if a strong feeling one knows was real can expire and be put to rest. But real self honesty here is the sort of 'TOUGH LOVE' to look at yourself really clearly, evaluate & ask if you think there's any real life or value in that feeling that WAS so real but has now actually died down! Then say, "I see that you (THE FEELING) have been really "who I was" for a period of time, but I am that feeling NO longer. I'd like to feel some other things NOW & since you've spent your wad and are only a shadow of what you were when you were my "now" at the time, now you're just lingering around blocking my view and probably would just as soon be let go besides. I have need only for real live feelings & you don't qualify now. So be off with you! Come back only if you're real some other time. I have some living to do in the meantime!"

No matter who else may have contributed to the feeling of sadness, Nikki, - it's YOURS alone, and yours to probe and dissect, if needed. Nothing someone else can do, say or think (or not) can make your feelings come or go. But when we feel any authentic feeling, it's a sign we are alive! We are feeling creatures. But we have the ability to feel and let go of past feelings - and they begin to be past as soon as they occur. Other people are merely the props in our inner sanctum of being & feeling. But having felt it, we are more real and alive than before we felt it & better able to respond to and with others if feelings are mutual. if they're not - what would we do, pretend? It's a no-fault thing. But we will have more to share and to give for having experienced all our feelings. We're outfitted for better experiences too.

What we think of as "lasting" or abiding feelings are like electicity or light - individually recurring repeating of a feeling, not a perpetual same one-time-felt thing. So if it re-occurs - it's "real". If it doesn't we can't contrive it to "be" and our sorrow can't restore it. Let it go.

You'll find the present sadness will no longer have its own life-force and for you to hold on to it would be just squandering your time, your own life-force and creativity - and also preventing other feelings from being acknowledged and enjoyed.

Even the good feelings have life-spans. We can't grasp them - if we did, it would choke them. They must be free to come and go. And we must be wise enough to let them.

When we are fully alive - our feelings keep emerging with new life. Our sad ones teach and soften us. Our happy ones expand and enhance us.

So we feel responsively & we must acknowledge that we do if we are to fully have its experience and allow it to exhaust its time of being and then move on. If we try to just stuff it or shove it out of sight, we never get the chance to see that it's spent and gone of its own accord! We must look at it as is and appreciate it while it's alive and then bury it when it's died.

You've acknowleldged it - now bury the thing & get moving, gal! :-) Times they are a-wasting.

Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

thanks nelly. youre very insightful. Im a bit better today but only because the person who is the cause of my sadness talked to me its still not how i want it to be but its a step up. I wish it was easy to just not feel like this but it does keep re occuring, my feelings for him and the sadness when its not returned, so i know it is real. im just much happier when im with him. and i cant stop thinking about him, i see his name every where. I love this guy and i want to be with him and hes tried but he says hes just not passionate about anything. he doesnt care enough about things for it to affect him, and he doesnt want to be this way but he doesnt know else to be. he was hurt a lot like me by past relationships and such but hes giving up on love and wanting any of that its not something he worrys about anymore. while Im fighting my ass off to be with him and i feel its already a lost war. I suck at relationships they always fall apart, and because Ive my stupid jealousy i drove him away even sooner. I mean it was bound to happen eventually, i was waiting for it. and Ive waited a year already for him to come back in my life and i just dont know how much longer i should or can wait. I want to wait forever but if its never gonna be whats the point, ill just be wasting my life away, and he doesnt know what he wants. hes younger than me too. i dont know what to do. Its just one failure after the other and i dont want to be just like every other girl hes been with you know. I dont wanna be just his friend. but if i have to do that for him, i will. im just trying to be ok with it again, and be strong but inside im just fallin apart, either that or im just numb. i may not make or break his day but he makes or breaks mine. and i really need to stop letting a guy i fall for become my whole reason for existence i know theres more to life but i want that, i want to be someones everything and for him to be mine, want that kind of love and romance and just be with someone and be happy together. and everytime i seem to get close it gets taken away.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Hugs. . .

Nikki - At age 7 I had a badly fractured leg. It was in a big cast. I could hop around on one foot or use a crutch to move around a little, but I couldn't run & play & do all the fun stuff the other kids were doing.

The way our houses were, with an alley between them & all the kids out riding bikes, jumping rope, chasing around playing in the across-the-alley family's back yard - in plain view from where I was sitting on our back porch feeling very unloved, rejected, left-out, sad & unwanted, I was frantically yelling for them to come play with ME! In fact I was getting hoarse from yelling - & all to no avail.

I guess my mother took pity on me. Maybe she'd had something like that feeling in her life. I don't know what prompted her to come out the back door & give me surely the best advice I guess I ever had.

First of all, she told me that they were going to do what they wanted to do & my yelling or feeling bad for myself wasn't going to change that. OK - I wasn't keen on hearing that but she continued & by then I needed some better prospects.

She advised me to do something my own self, to get interested in a project which I COULD do without running & playing, without their help or attention, which COULD be done - by me, just sitting there on the porch. She told me that it would do several things to help me. That got my interest.

First & foremost, it would get my mind off the futility of trying to get the kids to stop playing just to come talk to me, which no amount of yelling or crying was going to accomplish. Then it would give ME something positive to do instead, something that was possible & would be fun, something to put me in charge of my own fate, so to speak. I couldn't rely on their doing it for me, for sure (I'd found that to be so, it wasn't some pie-in-the-sky theory!). What I could do about it was beginning to take shape! - I could rely on my own actions & efforts to help my quandary & misery!

But she also mentioned that if I were busy myself & appeared to be having fun at it, they might -- JUST MIGHT -- begin to wonder what in the world was I up to - and they just might come over to see!! That was an actual possibility, but still I wasn't to count on it. Yet it had more mileage than what I'd been doing which proved it had NONE! ;->

Now that did sound better than yelling with no results or crying (as I'd done also)& feeling very sorry for myself - All with no results & NO prospects of any. So a prospect of possible results I could actually set into motion did sound a lot more appealing. Besides, if I myself could be the one who made the choices for my own fate, and could do something in the first place, even to deciding what I'd like to do, that was much better than feeling like a victim of others' actions & preferences - which they were bound to have to take care of, then it looked much better than the alternative. Maybe some folks prefer to be miserable & at everyone's mercy and still remain miserable but I found out it wasn't my best option & tested out what my better option was! Reality was real but my own ability-to-respond to it was wide open! I didn't realize it but that day I did learn the truest definition of the word response-ability. It's not the things that one can't change which govern one's life but how one responds to them! wow!

It put me in my NOW and got my mind off theirs which I had no control of & couldn't be a part of unless they wanted me to be. I still might have liked to be a part of it but - well - with the broken leg - and with them having a fine time without me, as things were - that wasn't likely to happen. My choice seemed clear.

So I got some crayons & a Velveeta cheese box (they were made of wooden slats then) & I took the slats apart & colored them vividly with bright colors in wild & vivid designs! Then I got some kind of brads or fasteners to fasten them together so they could twist & move like a long writhing SNAKE! I was really enjoying it! And it was such a spectacle that I was pleased with my effort. I could think of many other possiblities to make - in fact I was ready to make another one when the kids DID stop & come over to see what in the world I was doing!

Now that made me feel pretty pleased! It wasn't as though they dedicated the rest of their afternoon to me & my project but they noticed & willingly, of their own volition came to check it out! Even if they hadn't - I had becme aware that I didn't HAVE to have their attention & that it was OK either way! The main thing was that I did what I really could do about it & what they did, was their own choice. Any other thing would not have been satisfying. If someone had made them feel guilty for ignoring me so they'd have tried to be kind - I would have been miserable and so would they. Or if they'd just tired of hearing me yell & had come over to shut me up - that wouldn't have been a satisfying outcome either! If they really didn't want to, it wouldn't fix my lack for them to pretend. If I'd been moaning about it, I wouldn't have gotten past the moments of anquish because they didn't really want to play with me then!

So, you see, we can't make anyone love us or want to be with us. We can just BE & let them respond if it happens. ut we can drive them away if we try too hard or lay any guilt on them because they can't want to. But they may be able to want to if we just get on with our own life and let it develop - which if it does or doesn't - we're still LIVING! The only really hard part is seeing past the immediate rock we're holding up to our face and see all the glories of our world beyond it!

By the way - one of the kids who lived across that alley & was playing that day was my first love - he was 9 and I was 7 - I loved him with all my heart and he didn't know I existed except as his little sisters' friend. I continued to love him & finally when I was 16 he did notice me. There followed a sweet young love for a time but other real-life circumstances derailed it. I've never known whether my life might have been a lot happier or not. Many years later we had a chance to get to know each other as real people but again - it wasn't "right" for us to be together. The story of that is told in my hub "Lightning Could Strike" - - )

You can't change someone else, Nikki. You can change yourself enough to make the best of things - and often it opens doors to so much more than you ever thought possiible!! But the reality of it is - we have a responsibility for making our lives work and we can't look to anyone else to supply it all. If they do and are there for us - that's great - but we also must be giving them what they need - and if it's not ourselves - then that's all we can give them - the freedom to be who they are and do what they must. I see people whom I just know would be loved by the person they can't seem to get to love them if they'd just back off enough to let the spark happen and grow. But even if it didn't - they'd be better off and probably so would the other person if they just realized they couldn't MAKE it happen and went on doing something which they COULD make happen with their time and their life. The love we feel - you know what? - it is our own precious possession whether or not the other person reciprocates and if we allow it to just be and not try to force it, it becomes a part of ourselves which gives us a dimension we otherwise wouldn't have.

I understand your feelings. I've faced unrequited love - in fact - I've been on both sides of it, & it's almost as hard to be the one who does't feel it as the one who does feel it alone. But it's so important not to blame yourself or the other person if the chemistry doesn't click. It doesn't mean your chemistry is lacking. It just hasn't found the compound in which it fits well!. You know you must get past this & allow your own lifeforce to resume. This stuff dims, dulls & diminishing your lifeforce for you & it's doing him harm as well. Let it be. Let it "go" in the sense of not trying to grasp it. The love you fe

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

thank you again nelli, that helped a lot. I know, i am doing my best to just let it be, be his friend, in fact i was over there last night it was his birthday and i put on a happy face and acted like an adult, it was a good night. i actually had fun, alcohol helped but still. I know you cant force anyone to love you or be with you, i learned that the hard way before, and im not trying to, and i dont want to guilt him into anything, i just know it could work if i had handled things differently, and if he would let me in his heart, thats what his problem is, he doesnt trust or let anyone in, he doesnt feel attached to me or to anything where he feels he needs it or has to have it you know, he doesnt let things affect him that way, and thats the problem, he said he loves me but hes not in love. and i just know over time he maybe could fall in love if he gave it enough of a chance, so imma gonna do my best to just let it be, and hope he comes back to me, hope that one day ill affect him that way. that he will realize what he has right in front of him. but im asking for miracles with this guy. if you knew the guy youd know what i mean, hes complicated, fickle, bipolar, perhaps has multiple personalities, its just a lot to handle and deal with but idc i will go through it because hes worth it to me, and if i ever get my fairy tale happy ending itll be worth the wait. i dont tend to give up easily on what i love. thats why its so hard to just let go, but i can let it be.

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

"if, if, if. . . " If you'd have. . .". "If he could only. . .". "If things were some other way. . .".

Homey - the solution to this horrid dilemma is not in rehashing what didn't and couldn't happen or regretting realities.

Letting go isn't about taking on a happy face and stuffing the pain, putting on a stiff upper lip and trying harder.

It's about truly ACCEPTING the reality with gratitude for knowing what really IS and then going on to do what YOU can. If that includes being a friend and helping celebrate his birthday - wonderful. Do it with full acceptance and joy. But not by making yourself bury resentment or self-blame - or nurturing groundless hopes that the "if's" will miraculously become "are's". When you think positive be sure the thing you're thinking IS a positive, not a negative clothed in pretend hopes with no bases. The positive may be a small value compared to the thing which doesn't exist, but the habit of dwelling on positives rather than negatives will take root. Your garden has been overtaken with negatives. Replace 'em.

Knowing that it just IS what it is and sincerely saying - "so be it". Dont' dwell on "what if" or "If only" - not unless you intend and prefer living in a state of delusion while missing the actual reality which is really here for you.

Right here let me interject that YOU ARE WORTH more than all this anquish - which you're allowing to choke out the good in store for you!

It's like you've picked up two pebbles and are holding them right in front of your eyes so they block out the light and everything else around you. If you extend your arms out a ways, you can see more, the light appears (which was there all along) and the whole world is at your feet. If you sling those pebbles down on the ground where they belong, you can walk over them and not even feel them.

Yes - reality is dynamic and fluid - if one lets it BE and doesn't try to mastermind it. That which is the reality now isn't frozen in time. It MAY turn around and the very things you want may (or may not) come around, only after you have let go of your illusions of them and accepted yourself and the realities of the present - and allowed the full realization of your own destiny to begin to move.

You can be glad for him that he doesn't let things affect him in the agonizing monstrous negative ways you've been habitually letting them affect you!!! If you love him, would you want that for him??????? What kind of a love gift would that be? It would be like demanding he share your misery which you haven't resolved for yourself? uh -uh.

It sounds to me like he's a person in-the-making - (as you are). Neither of you has quite grown into a fully loving state of being. But it's ok.

He's at a different stage of it. He's learned not to try to make or fake feelings where they don't exist and to let himself be neutral if that's how he really feels. He may or may not feel mistrust - if he does it may be due to actual psychological anomolies or it may be a response to unrealistic demands he knows he can't honestly fill. Or maybe he's just giving himself time to grow out of a stage and progress to becoming what he may sense he can be. Whatever it is - it's HIS to deal with. He's no more complicated than any other person in process of growing and maturing.

Quit building your hopes around his tenuous self-issues. If he's worth it to you as a person you care about, give him space. Civillization has advanced beyond a woman having to jump in a grave with her dead man, and it still applies to all aspects of sacrifice when the other person is not fully alive or complete; - or is alive on another level where you aren't at home. You can do him more good by finding your own peace and self-love and self-respect than anything you can try to do for him which you've not even learned to do for and to fully give to your own self.

Maybe you're a little afraid that if you find yourself, you'll find that he's not the be-all to you which you think now, that he won't measure up to your best and truest self! That might be a little scary. You might realize he wasn't worth your misery! That would be difficult to learn, right? Well - try to focus on one thing. TRUTH. What IS is all you can really have. If he IS the fairy tale come true for you - someday - it will be true and if not - you're the better off to know what IS so.

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

and your right, the answers to my questions may not be what i want them to be but i need to accept the truth, and stop waiting on miracles, if its meant to be it will happen. and i need to stop wallowing around in my sorrow and my what ifs and my whys and my hows and just accept the now. and no i dont want him to feel hurt like i do, but i just want him to miss me and think of me, and wish i was there sometimes u kno, i want to have some kind of affect on him like that. not a negative affect, its only negative in my case because i miss him and all that but i can no longer have him the way i did and i have to get used to that again. i told him before i was ok with just being friends..he made it more. HE did. and i went with it. but somewhere along the way something went wrong and i just dont understand why that keeps happening. but there i go again focusing on the whys and the what ifs. it happened and therefore it is. perhaps it will change again, who knows, most likely it wont, but either way i need to learn to be happy with myself. thank you nelli. im still sad.but ill be alright.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes, I know you will be all right, Nikki. I also know you'll feel genuinely sad at times and will need to acknowldge it and let it go again. But think of that as YOUR work to do and not just a reaction to what he does or doesn't do. "Own" your feelings, both nice ones and less nice ones - but let them go so you can feel the ongoing ones.

By the way - as I'm pouring through my MANY thick books of my poems, trying to get them transcribed from hand-written to on my computer, I see whole notebooks of a few pining for a love that wasn't going to happen but the once. I just couldn't believe that was so. But, sure enough - it was. And even at 40, I was still too naive to fully recognize and accept the signals that it wasn't going to happen or last. I wrote a lot of poetry about it. And harbored a lot of hopes, dreams & desires about it. It taught me valuable lessons though. Fortunately - I guess - it was long-distance. Met him on a plane and it was like MAGIC, I was so irresistibly drawn to him and it seemed mutual. Lasted 2 days before he moved on from his assignment there to another one and showed only disinterest but I kept hoping and "just knowing" he'd realize, etc. etc. I finally stopped the self-torture and let it go. And I realized that at least one of us had enjoyed a really great feeling for awhile, mixed with all the misery of hoping against hope that it would somehow "happen".

So I do know what you feel. And you've let it throw you more than once which makes the ache more familiar. But that's all the more reason to ecognize that it's an illusion; and probably no matter what he says or does, it would be the same deadend heartache again if you give in & allow it another chance, especially in your vulnerable state of mind & heart before you really get on your feet and know how to respond.

You must truly learn to love & value yourself more than that & be just as happy with or without him - or anyone unless you know in every way that it's so real there's no doubt. Until you find that out, (and even after you do, since things are fluid and can shift) you'll be your own person even around him. You'll be 100% YOU, not a reflection of him or his handy girl when the mood strikes him. YOU are much better than that!!!

You can do it and work out your own answers better than anyone else - but you first must know you can and that you must. I believe you realize it so that you can forgive yourself if you get bent out of shape about him occasionally - but won't ever again let it pull you down or STAY that way and won't allow him to take advantage of it for his passing pleasure. That's what he's been doing. Probably almost off-handedly - because he CAN - or COULD. It's like a primitive human tendency to take self-fulfillment or indulgence where it's most available. He's learned he doesn't have to measure up to deserve you. But that's HIS delusion because it's - NO MORE of that stuff, OK? Don't warn him or anything - no explanations or justifications. Be as polite & sweet as you please. -Just do NOT fall into the trap, right? He'll figure it out!! And if it doesn't matter to him that much - you're all the more better off not falling into it.

(Oh - one more thing - don't let it become a game to see who will crumble first or "win". You don't want that kind of results. They give only empty satisfaction at best. You want LOVE. Just be sure to hold out for the real thing. But you do have your own work to do; - you don't need to try to cushion or ease it for him. You've already demonstrated your feelings to him and he hasn't responded. Don't figure that "helping" him now will help him. It won't and it definitely will NOT help you to put yourself in that position, setting yourself up once again.)

Hugs. . . .

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

You really are a wise woman. Yes I will for once listen to someones advice given me. I know all this in my heart, its just my heart is stubborn because i know what I want and love and its not easy to just give up on that but I know he's no good for me, he will never be mine. and what else can I do but let go. I already told myself even if he does change his mind again I'm not just gonna go back right where I was, (in his trap). if he really wants to try again he has to work for it. and prove to me why I should because I know he's only gonna walk away from it all over again and I dont want that. Im tired of waiting on someone to have him go as quickly as he came into my life. and I know he'll be a part of my life, it just wont be how I want it to be, and the sooner I can get over being sad about it the sooner I can start to just be myself around him again. i swear i feel he does things on purpose though, to test me, to see how I will react, like saturday night I went over there to hang out with everyone and his friends melissa and britney came over, melissa been liking him longer than I have but he never liked her like that and brit is an ex girlfriend of his, and thats what i mean by i dont want to be just like every other girl hes been with, they become just friends after and last few times ive been over there i can name 3 other girls besides myself thats hes been with. and i just feel like, Im just another one. i want to be different. but Im not. but i digress anyways saturday night he ends up going somewhere with the 2 girls and 2 other guys no one asked if I wanted to go, and they were gone for quite some time, i hung out and was talking to our friend mike about everything, and its like how do you expect me not to be jealous?! really? its like he doesnt consider how I will feel about this, or he does but he just doesnt care, and Im not dating him anymore so i cant say anything and even if i was I couldnt say anything because hed get mad for me being jealous which is bull. either way I cant win. so after that night im just like screw it, Im done. Im not waiting on him. I left before they got back, and it wasnt even him who texted me to see if i made it home ok because i wasnt there when they got back it was one of the other guys that went with them. and I havent heard from Robin since and Im not texting or calling him anymore and im not gonna go hang out over there for awhile, im just gonna keep to myself and hang with other friends i havent been around much, I hung out with my cousin and my mom yesterday in the pool and i havent been crying over him, i feel depressed but Im done moping around over him. Im actually thinking about contacting this guy who i kinda sorta dated in school, he added me on facebook and sent me an email asking if i was single so i think imma see if he wants to hang out or something. I need to move on, and let go of my addiction to Robin. my addiction to this torture as you say.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

As I read your account of Saturday night, I kept thinking - why put yourself in that torturous losing position? You don't have to even be there hanging out with his little 'harem' - lol - much less half-way pining to be included in it! You were, you know. But good sense came to your rescue!! whoopee!!

So I was sooooo happy when I read that you've decided to NOT go over there any more and to let into your life some other fresh air!

If this other guy is nice & knows how to be good company, it might be just the fresh air to clear your head.

But don't think for a moment that the cure for a bad case on one guy is a replacement case on another guy.

More than likely, unless you decide to go out with the other guy with a really open mind and no expectations of anything - you'd slip into comparing him with Robin and making yourself miserable - and possibly being blind-sided to a nice guy in the process. Don't let that happen.

Give yourself a chance to honestly step back from romantic involvement and just have some plain ole fun in the company of fun folks. Having a pleasant escort would help but you can do it with or without someone else by your side.

You don't have to have a certain kind of relationship right now. You've suffered an assault on your heart & though you now realize that you've allowed it, still those hurts really happened & they need a little time to heal. Give it to yourself.

Start by making your immediate social environment quite different than whatever place that was where you kept going and seeing Robin and his gang of wannabes. Go somewhere ELSE - try out a whole nuther kind of place with a different bunch of people, maybe even take in a live performance at a theater or a walk in the park or a horse-drawn carriage ride, take guitar lessons, enroll in a class, volunteer for helping somewhere. Think out of the box & go for it.

Dare to just consider & dream of what YOU really like and who you really are and what you really need FIRST for YOU and then - possibly - if the right time & person showed up, in a companion.

You know what I'm trying to say - search out a real 'CHANGE OF SCENERY' & change of pace - other people, places, moods, interests - make it feel alive again. Discard any that don't do it for you. Make sure that its "aliveness" is healthy for YOU & in your real line of interests, even if it's something you haven't thought of, since your entire field of vision, even your whole being has been so wrapped up in MR. Casanova, Jr.

He may be ok for himself, but he's not ok for you. But he's a game-player with women, obviously; - and he's just juggling the game chips around to see what he can stir up. He's not deeply attached to any of them. Don't be even within calling distance, at least not psychologically. You have the "game" label and residue all over you. He'll be thinking of you in that role for a long while, probably. Only if he wakes up some night in some other time and place and realizes what he's missed will he ever see it differently - and as long as he's immersed in his fun of game playing that is about as likely as the Gulf Oil Spill disappearing overnight!!

Let him stew in his own juices. In fact - don't let him or prevent him - it's no concern of yours. He may NEVER stop his games. He seems to get his jollies from dashing others' buildings so his will be the tallest. So why pin any of your future or hopes on anything he might do or not do? Don't try to retain his friendship - you've already noticed his little cast of characters with their broken hearts are all just "settling" for his platonic good graces. Naw - that's not for you. Just work on your own "building".

I think you've got it! Hugs - Don't let ANYTHING discourage you. Even if you slipped up (HEAVEN FORBID) & wanted to just try once more, or give him just one more chance to trample your heart, don't even let that slipback discourage you while you stop and remind yourself of all the many efforts before and their outcomes. Live through them mentally if you must, but - not actually again! LOL

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

right again, i swear if you were around i would have made a lot better choices in my life. I may meet up with this old friend but idk im definitely not jumping into anything else because i do still love and have to get over robin completely before I can do that. and that will take awhile. but Im done waiting for him. he hurt me again last night. See I will be around him for the most part because my best friends live with him and I will try to do other things and go over there less but like last night they invited me to go to the movies and we had been planning to go see it so I went. I didnt know if Robin was going or not and I didnt care. I get there and the first thing I hear him say is something about hes not afraid of no womans scorn like this one, speaking of me, or something like that Im not exact but I was just like excuse me? what? and I dont remember what they said they were talking about, but I was used as an example and from there on, he never really told me hi or talked to me and I was trying to figure out who all was coming to the movies and I find out Robin his brother and our friend Shaggy were planning on going to a different theater with the 2 twins sydney and her sister, sydney being the one I got all jealous over and started this whole mess. But they missed that show and ended up going with us, well seperate vehicles of course he rode with sydney her sis didnt go to the movies she came hang out afterwards though at the house, but I digress, point being he was at the movies with sydney, the girl he told me i have no reason to be jealous over they are just friends, and I remind you they used to be more than friends. so im just like really you tell me not to be jealous over her and..who are you here at the movies with?? really? I was angry, and reverted to my booze but I played nice with the girls. we played a drinking game and it was whatever. and when I got home I texted him and shaggy, I was like i made it home for anyone who cares. and robin was like cool glad to hear it and i said sure night then and he was like your f***ing dumb nite. i said well you dont act like you care, your dumb. and he told me to grow up, stop pouting. I said I did. and i texted him today telling how I dont want it to be like this between us, this isnt being friends, and how he doesnt consider my feelings and he has to try too and not just avoid and ignore me you know, and he hasnt replied to any of that so whatever, his brother invited me to go hang out over there. See I want to to hang out with all of them, but He will be there and i just dont know how to act around him anymore, ughhhh and I see his name every where!! I really hate him right now.

and your right its all a game to him.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

There is NO mileage in hating him. Love yourself instead.

I am glad you see your path more clearly. My temptation is to advise about how you choose to make it happen and various details, but YOU are your own best advisor and the one on-hand personal friend you can count on to be there in every situation, YOU are your best ally in deciding in which situations to place yourself, and once in them, how to conduct yourself and how to respond to the challenges that are part of the situation. No one else can make those choices for you. It's yours to think through them from before you find yourself in harm's way - or to think clearly how to make your way through it if you choose to go ahead into it. You have your choices and your reasons. Be sure they align with your best interests beyond the immediate.

One thing to bear in mind is that if one continues doing the same things one's been doing, one is almost guaranteed to reap the same results! You don't have to subject yourself to any of this. But if you choose to, you still have options how to handle the expected kinds of things, since they'll just be that much more imperative, immediate, pressing and likely to fluster you into saying the wrong things. But the other people are not in charge of your responses - which are always 100% yours and if they're wrong, it is you who must handle the repercussions, not they. So if you choose to be there, that's what you must be prepared to face. A wiser choice is to avoid that, especially in your present vulnerable state. Drinking will not improve your sharpness in responding to the kinds of things you'll face. Do your drinking in the company of kind folks who aren't apparently out to embarrass and demean you.

Many other options other than being among those who try to taunt or undermine you are open to you. They may not seem as exciting as your illusion of how this could have been, but their reality is better than that reality. Even solitude is better, I can assure you. When someone clearly has small regard for others' feelings & smaller respect, it seems, why go there? Calling each other dumb says very little for mutual respect or maturity. You can choose YOUR words, though. So do it. If someone chooses to be so petty and childish, resist the temptation to respond in kind.

I went through 18 years of hell married to the wrong man. Ultimately what saved me was fully accepting the responsiblity for my choices. No one sold me into it. No one forced it on me. Though I knew there were extenuating circumstances which had contributed to my poor choice - still I had to KNOW & ACCEPT to the depths of my being that it was all my own doing, in order to extricate my soul, my heart and my mind from it and the damage I had allowed it to impose on them. I had to realize, as you need to, one cannot but continue to be a victim if you continue to not take your own responsibility by the horns for any choices you made in becoming one & for all choices you will make in changing it. First thing is to recognize that they are your choices, not theirs or anyone's. Do you suppose for a moment that I'd have chosen it for myself if I had been aware of the trap it was or that I was allowing it? Now that's dumb! I saw a few signs but ignored or excused them. But you are practically avalanched with signs and in your own way, you're tolerating them, Nikki - still allowing it by going where he is and allowing him to get your goat once you're there. I sincerely hope you DECIDE to do what it takes to avert this catastrophe.

Of course, if I'm wrong about it, which is fully possible, - by all means, you should ignore my advice. If you read enough good into the way it's gone and it continues to go to tolerate it and believe it could have a good outcome , then I'm just wrong and you'll decide and live with the outcome. I am fully aware that I have only second-hand information. I'm not the one who is there to see, think and judge the evidence. But YOU ARE!!! So look closely - be alert and aware and ignore nothing that has a bearing on your well-being.

Your own words say much: "He will be there and I just dont know how to act around him anymore, ughhhh" Means you are aware you're not yet up to handling it, at the very least. So why not just avoid that situation? These other friends seem to be more his followers anyway and at least one of them has raised your jealousy level in the past. These are like countless sores that haven't healed which you keep picking open instead of treating and being rid of.

Do you see a solution to that? Can you think of other things you could be doing with the time in which you're 99.99% sure to be rankled and hurt by one or more of the company? Even if it reverted a bit & looked hopeful, how could you trust it to be real, based on its history?

Find another way to mngle with the real friends there or find other REAL friends who won't betray your love and trust. I know you can. You have the grit to raise up and out of this!! I have confidence in you!!! I really care!

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prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

I like "Am I" it is thought provoking, lovely,

Who are we, just a passing wind in the vastness of life --

Thanks a lot for beautiful poetry!


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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Yes, it is thought-provoking, wondering who we really "are" or even IF we "are"! So pleased you enjoyed it, Maita - and thank you for the lovely attention!!

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Storytellersrus 6 years ago from Stepping past clutter

I love the interaction between your poetry and your art. Your hubs are more than the actual piece you offer; your comments create a piece containing worlds of hubs. Thanks.

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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Funny you should observe that. I was just replying to comments on another of my hubs and wondering why I do that - why can't I just acknowledge a comment without launching into another hub, as you so aptly describe it! Guess it may be because most of my writing prior to Hubpages was in the form of either poems I wrote for myself or letters to people. Correspondence is my long suit. So when someone comments, my tendency is to reply as I might to a letter from a friend more than simply a brief reply. Even online - as I've been for the last 13 or so years - I've written to people, rather than just written or posted. My website is almost a letter to my friends, in fact. So I guess it's true. Can't easily teach old dogs new tricks!

Thank you from my heart for your comments, and if I may, I'll call you Barbara, which was one of my earliest friends' names! (I sneaked a peek at your hubpage and read one of your recent hubs.)

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Nikkij504gurl 6 years ago from Louisiana

Thank nellieanna. i really appreciate your words and the fact that a complete stranger can care and dedicate so much time to sitting there and typing out advice to me. a few more distressing things have happened since I last spoke to you between me and Robin and I broke down, One night I was perfectly fine, having fun even, and he was drunk and decides to make out with me! I walked away and i dont remember how it started from there but we ended up talking and I became an emotional wreck crying the rest of the night. My friends corey and his brother Jason were there talkin to me and trying to make me feel better but nothing worked I wanted to keep talkin to Robin and that did no good because every word out of his mouth was against us, against me. He told me the same old line he used the first time we were "together" that hed rather hurt me a little now than a lot later, he kept saying that he would destroy me, well I feel hes already done that. and he kept telling me that he cares about me as a friend if he didnt care he would have done walked inside and left me, but he stayed and I was there till 7 30 in the morning, had to be at work for 8, so I went straight to work and on no sleep, had to leave early for the day, I wouldnt have made it. And we were ok, me and him, as ok as it was going to be anyway, and the other day I went over there and he cooked and he made me eat, he was like eat please cuz i asked you too and i was like ok if you want me to eat you have to fix me a plate and he did. and we were in the kitchen watching movies on the laptop and he stayed in there with me, while everyone else was out in the slip n slide spacewalk they got, yes cuz they are a bunch of kids. but then Melissa and his ex britney came over and he left with them to go by another friends house where his brother was and he didnt even like hug me bye he just looked at me and gave me the peace sign and said later, and I was upset I told him I was leaving after the movie, so i texted him when I got home I said you cant even hug me bye and he was like Im comming back? and i said I told you I was leaving after the movie Im home already And I said Have fun thanks for the food and watching the movie with me. and he never replied after that, I texted him the next day to see if he got my text cuz his phone is stupid and sumtimes he doesnt get texts, but he didnt reply to that either and Inviting him to go on vacation with us in nov for thanksgiving and my bday..still no reply, if we spossed to be friends, which I am trying to do then why the hell cant he answer a simple text, or maybe his phone is turned off again, who knows, I sent him a letter its written in one of my hubs if youd like to read it, and I told him about it, but I dont think hes read it yet, they havent had internet and i sent it on his facebook, but he asked me about it one day he was like so you have a letter for me and i said its on your facebook, so I guess he wants to read it idk why else ask about it you know. But last night I was home, in my room, and I completely broke down, I cried my heart out, and spoke to God which I know I need to do more of, Im just stuck in this unhappy, depressive state, and I know Im not gonna be over him anytime soon, part of me wants to think that hes just hiding his feelings for me cuz thats what he does he hides his emotions and pushes people away so he dont get hurt, but then part of me just knows I need to accept that he doesnt love me that way and never will, something im all too familiar with. I know Im not perfect and Ive hurt guys myself, but I dont lead them on, I dont try when I know I dont feel the same, I dont go back to someone if I didnt feel for them that way the first time and that hasnt changed, and thats what I dont get, this is my second time with Robin, its like why give me a second chance if its not gonna last, wat was the point in that?! why try if its something you know you dont even want?! he just doesnt know what he wants and that drunken kiss through me all off. Idk if i told you bout any of that before so if any of this is a repeat im sorry. Thanks for listening, again and taking the time to reply. Im about to post another poem on here I hope you will like.

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JayDeck 6 years ago from New Jersey

"Percussive query" - Nice, Nellieanna, nice! I keep saying it to myself over and over just to hear the sound, stressing the hard c in percussive. I love the hard consonants after the softness of "silent?/Allegro joy?" My favorite phrasing for the day.



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Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS Author

Jay - What a delightful comment! I'm most pleased to have provided your favorite phrasing for the day! Lovely! Thank you!

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