Mr. Know-It-All Answers Your Sex Questions

Who Is This Sage?

Mr. Know-It-All is not a licensed Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Sex Therapist. Instead, he has studied heavily at the School of Life and Hard Knock-Ups. Since 1999, unencumbered by University degrees or Professional certification, he has offered his healing advice on everything from sex education to dog grooming, literally to tens of people. He is proud to offer his services to the men and women of HubPages. If you have a question for Mr. Know-It-All, please leave it in the comment section of this column and if chosen, your question will be answered in next weeks column.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen and Scoundrels and Wacko's, we are proud to introduce...Mr. Know-It-All!   First question, please.

How Important is Foreplay?

Answer: Foreplay before sex is very important. Just as an athlete will stretch and “warm up” before the big game, so too must the lover. This gets the blood going to the muscles and warms and loosens them up, otherwise you could pull something. There are more groins pulled in the bedroom than anywhere else combined.

Here is what I do: Begin by doing some light stretches. Then jog around the bedroom for 5 minutes. Now stretch a little more thoroughly. Good. Now you're warmed up and stretched out, so get going, Bucko, she's not going to wait all day.

Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.
Arnold Ziffle - The know-it-all pig.

Do Men Really Think With Their Penis'?

Answer: Yes. Yes, they do. Recently, scientists actually found a tiny brain about the size of a snake's brain in one man's penis. They carefully removed the brains from several penis' and transplanted them into the craniums of mice.

In a laboratory test, a maze was set up with a chunk of cheese at one exit and a vagina at the other. In the interest of scientific accuracy, both the cheese and vagina were Swiss. Out of 400 test runs, the mouse chose the exit with the vagina 93% of the time. Curiously, 7% chose the cheese, which appropriately coincides with the estimated homosexual population among males.

Can Masturbating Make You Go Blind?

Answer: Yes. It can happen thusly: You are masturbating. During climax, you start doing all that herky jerky stuff that you always do, the same stuff that makes your lovers – if you have any - laugh their butts off. You are so spastic that you accidentally grab the scissors from the nightstand and poke your own eyes out. This is how masturbating can cause blindness.

It is not true that you can go blind just by masturbation alone, in spite of what your Mother told you. At least I don't think so. I'm pretty sure you can't. 99% sure. Ouch! Somebody moved the damn furniture again!

Do Women Fake Orgasms?

Answer: Not in my experience, no. Unfortunately, your experience may be quite the opposite. In a study conducted by the Harder Faster Institute, it was discovered that all women, universally, were quite skilled at faking orgasm under certain conditions, and what's more, that they were very good at it.

Anthropologically speaking, this may be a defense mechanism due to the woman's need to retain a mate until she finds a better one to replace him with.

For example, your girlfriend/wife/mistress may fake orgasms with you until a handsome doctor comes along, Then it's “Ha, ha, out with the old in with the new.” If she did not fake orgasm, you would begin to feel inferior and possibly leave her before she had a chance to dump you.

Recent polls conducted among your past lovers indicate a fake to real orgasm rate of 10 to 1. This is odd considering you have only had two experiences.

What is a "G" Spot and Where the Heck is It?

Answer: Man has been searching for the “G” spot for hundreds if not thousands of years. Named the “G” spot in 1981 by the German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg, this mythical place has gone by many different names. Ponce de Leon called it the “Fountain of Youth,” while Columbus called it the “New World.” NASA referred to it as “The Moon.” It has also been metaphorically sought after in scores of novels, including James Hilton's classic, Lost Horizon, and was called “Shangri La.” Unfortunately, the “G” spot is a myth and as for where it is, it is here, there, and everywhere...and yet it is nowhere. Now light some incense and leave a dollar on the alter.

That Concludes Our Program

Thank you, Ladies and Gentlemen. Remember to leave your questions for Mr. Know-It-All and you just might be one of the lucky ones to have your important question chosen and answered in next weeks column. Thank you for attending, and remember, there are none so misinformed as those who do not seek.

More by this Author

  • The Pimple From Hell
    171

    You become aware of the thing by accident usually. With a casual brush of the hand, and then the realization that you have a pimple. The tale of one man's Homeric odyssey with the pimple from hell!

  • Spoonerisms:  Twisted Tongues and Mangled Words
    179

    A spoonerism is “the accidental transposition of initial sounds or syllables of two words, usually with humorous results, as roaring pain for pouring rain.”  The word is derived from Dr. William...

  • Redheads: Myths, Legends, and Famous Red Hair
    518

    Throughout history, redheads have been feared and revered, loathed and adored, degraded and exalted. Here's an amusing look at the myths, legends, and a photo gallery of famous redheads with insightful quotes about the...


Comments 388 comments

Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

Laugh out loud and scared the dog funny, Chris. I have a question for you. What is, and I glimsed this in a Dr Ruth book or something, a Mazola Roll?


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Hey Chris

I can tell you had fun with this! Now what did I say about you being the best all-around hubber? Now this, the last frontier - but I see you know how to tread the line my friend.

But I will have to use my alteregos in consulting with Mr Know-it-All to safeguard the last vestiges of mystery that surrounds me! Thanks for a very fun read! :D


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Randy: Glad you found it funny. Sorry you scared the dog. I, Chris, do not know what a Mazola roll is, but I'll pass the question on to Mr. Know it all and see what he says. Thank you!

Cris: Thanks for checking this out. Mr. Know it all keeps all identities, passwords, bank accounts, addresses, telephone numbers and everything else strictly confidential. No fears. Thank you for the comment.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

That was so good. LOL. Man's search for the G spot - hahahaha!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

LOL... the School of Life and Hard Knock-Ups must have been some school!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jewels: Hey, you think this is some kind of joke or somethin? It's all true. Thanks for stopping by and having a laugh or two. Always nice to see you!

Feline: Thank you. Yes, it was some school. They taught me everything I don't know. Thanks for the comment!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Have to say I like the credentials. Only the school of hard knocks can give you the type of experience to go where no book can take you. I have to use the G spot reference, for scientific research of course!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jewels: By all means you may use it and you may credit me as your indisputable and irreputable source for this factual information. Thanks for asking. it's bound to lend an air of authority to your scientific papers, discussions, and so forth.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

ROFL!!!!

Well I'm glad you didn't call it the Holy Grail :D You did mean to say - seek and ye shall find, didn't you?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Shalini: The holy grail? Darn, I knew I was forgetting a good one! Thanks for reading and the comment!


Patricia Costanzo profile image

Patricia Costanzo 7 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

So, Mr Know-It-All, did the Harder Faster Institute offer Harry Met Sally/ Coffee Shop 101 when you went there.  It was usually an impacted class, so I never got in.  I heard the professor was always hard though.  A real ball buster.  But a  fair man.  He'd always permit the ladies to let their feelings be known.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

No, but he saw the movie. Your professor may have let the ladies let their feelings be known, but did he let the ladies be felt?


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Oh my god! Ohhh myyyyyy goddddd, ohhhh ohhhhhhhh ohhhh!

That was a woman faking int Laugh! Mama mia, what a hilarious romp in hubland! Thank you, Chris!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Well for starters I want some of what Elena just had. !

My first question sir ( i'm sure i'll think of more) is:

I've got a fair ideas where the cheese came from but ,where did you get the vagina from ?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Elena: Excuse me. I'm taking notes for my research. there. Thanks for coming by and the comment, and the acting lesson. Wait, you were acting, weren't you?

Ag. From Sweden. A blonde Swedish girl stood with her hoochy level with the exit. Can you picture it? Hey, stop picturing it already! Thanks for the comment.


Ananta65 7 years ago

Simply hilarious! I will ask the HubPages staff to auto-forward any hub request to you, Mr. Know-It-All.

Perhaps in your next column you could elaborate on this whole intergalactical debate about men coming from Mars and women coming from Venus thing?


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Chris I did stop picturing it, very quickly ?

Well, maybe after a minute or two !

 


Lazur profile image

Lazur 7 years ago from Netherlands

Whaha pissed my pants laughing.

And I start wondering Mr Know it all... Can bad sex can lead to incontinence?

Fun read Chris!:D


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 7 years ago from UK

Hey, I thought you said that both cheese and vagina were Swiss. Where did the blonde Swede come from, or are you getting muddled with the the hubbers and their favourite vegetables thread on the forum?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Elena: Excuse me. I'm taking notes for my research. there. Thanks for coming by and the comment, and the acting lesson. Wait, you were acting, weren't you?

Ag. From Switzerland. A blonde girl from Switzerland stood with her hoochy level with the exit. Can you picture it? Hey, stop picturing it already! Thanks for the comment.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ananta65: Hey! Long time, no see. Glad you stopped by and found it humorous. Yes, the HubPages staff is on full-alert to get me your questions promptly. And thanks for asking about those stupid John Grey books. According to my research, the planets are Neptune and Uranus. Thank you!

Lazur: Howdy! I'm happy you came by and had a laugh. You ask, "Can bad sex lead to incontinence?" The answer is yes, of course. Enough bad sex in one continent can cause you to go to a different continent and then another. You are literally, "In continents." Thank you for your most excellent question!

My Dear Amanda Severn: It is you, who are muddled, dear. Why, you have commented on an answer I hadn't even made yet. Clearly you are psychic. It's most amazing, really. Thanks for coming by and doing your voodoo!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Damn You Damn You Damn You!!!!!! I was gonna do the sex education hub.....Unfortunately yours was probably funnier....Great job....

Here's a question for you....Can a sheep or other animal get pregnant from having sex with a human.....I was just wondering....and a little nervous.....signed anonymous.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Probably? Ha, ha! Oh, definitely yours would be much, much funnier. How could I possibly compete? By all means, write the hub.

I know the answer to your question, but I was told not to tell ewe.


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Oh....the question wasn't from me.......errrr it was from a uhhhh....friend of mine....yeah.

Hands down...I bow to the master. Now if you were to take a job selling and installing fishing worms and minnows.....you would be a Master Baiter....but that's probably fodder for another hub.


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Hmm, if I've been through men-o-pause, can I still get pregnant? Is it true that uh, taste testing is safer? And lastly, what is bad sex?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

R. Blue: Trying to worm your way out of this one?

Trish: That's 3 questons. I ain't runnin' a charity here, sister! I'll answer one question. Your question: "If I have been through men-o-pauses, can I still get pregnant?"

No. Not if you "pause" long enough.


Ananta65 7 years ago

With all due respect, Christoph, but they'll never find me or see mee coming from Uranus (try to read it out loud and you'll know why) *lol*


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Well, ok mister!  hmmpph!  I never!

Ok, here is a separate post.  What is bad sex?  Does this qualify now for Mr. Know It All?


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

"hard knock-ups" ROFLMAO! Okay, this is hands down the funniest hub I've ever read. It starts funny and doesn't let go till the end. This is one of those times when I had to frequently stop reading from laughing so hard, then wondered how in the world you ever thought up something so hysterical! :D Bravo!

You've also managed to answer a burning question I've had for a long time...where are all these darned mice with penis brains coming from??? They're after me constantly. Now I know it's because I'm half Swiss! I'm so relieved to know what the deal is now. :D

Wonderful job! Oh, I'll try to think up some sex questions. I haven't read the comments to know if others have asked any yet.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ananta: This is true, but I have heard from females many, many times, "Your face reminds me of Uranus.

Trish: No. It is still more than one question from the same reader. However, since you asked in a threatening manner, I will answer your question. "What is bad sex?" Mr. Know-It-All has frequently been asked this same question. When your sex smells sour, tastes rancid, and curdles when added to hot coffee, then it has gone bad, hence, it is bad sex. I strongly recommend you dispose of this sex and purchase some fresh sex. Check for the expiration date.

Pam: Oh, go on with your bad self! Thanks so much for the compliment, but I shall have to try harder to equal your hilarity and charm.

I anxiously await your question. The sex question I would most like to hear from you is, "Can you be here at 7:30?" Thank you for your sweet words!


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

I bow to the academic nature of the research presented here, and will endeavor to conduct some field trials of my own. Only probably not in a field.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Teresa: Yes. This scientific paper was researched with a fervor only engaged in by the finest and most learned of writers. Thanks for noticing. Conducting research in a field can be dangerous, though many experiments have been conducted in fields, the results have been inconclusive.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Well I learned a lot from you doc...and I have a question??? When HE left me he said "sorry I guess I let me little head think for my big head"....what did he mean???? lol :O) Hugs

Do we make appointments? cause I am kinda busy....LOL


spryte profile image

spryte 7 years ago from Arizona, USA

"Anthropologically speaking, this may be a defense mechanism due to the woman's need to retain a mate until she finds a better one to replace him with".

Hahahhahahaha! Unfortunately...we now have to kill you for your possession of this knowledge.

Fun hub m'dear...thank you for a laugh to begin my day.


B.T. Evilpants profile image

B.T. Evilpants 7 years ago from Hell, MI

Ok, so you covered the blindness thing, but I would really like to know about the hairy palms issue. I need to know because...well..I just do!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

G-Ma:  Though one would think that your ex was referring to the tiny brain located in the penis, clearly discussed in the paper above, he was not.  In the case of your ex, he had trouble making decisions himself, and therefore had in his employ a little person with a little head who lived in the closet and made all his decisions for him.

By all means, since you are busy, let me rearrange my incredibly full and important schedule to accomodate you.  Lets see...I can fit you in between Larry King and the Pope...but just barely.

Spryte:  Anticipating a reaction from a militant female group, my security detail has been doubled.  Thanks for the warning!

B.T.  While results of studies are currently under way are promising, the "hairy palms" issue remains unresolved.  However, preliminary results would seem to indicate that the incidences reported are considerably higher in jackalopes, but this may be related to the fact that occurrences of "faked orgasms" in jackalopes is also higher - like 100% of the time - which causes more jackalope self-abuse.  Thank you for your question!


Aya_Hajime profile image

Aya_Hajime 7 years ago

LOL! I liked that rat experiment. But what happened to all those poor penises that are now missing brains?

Great pictures too. Did you do them yourself?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Aya: Thank you for visiting my lab. Believe me, the penis' with the removed brains are much happier now! No, can't take credit for the pics. Thanks for the comment!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here


anjalichugh profile image

anjalichugh 7 years ago from New York

Since 1999? Wow! That makes it a decade long experience 'under your belt'. lol

So tell me Mr. Know-all....in your opinion who (man or woman) finds it easier to indulge in sex without considering it necessary to fall in love first? 


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

R. Blue: So, the gauntlet has been thrown. I must say, this is the first time I am aware of this ever having been done before by one writer to another. Best of luck.

Anj: Hi Anj! Thanks for stopping in. In answer to your question, clearly it is the woman who engages in sex most freely without love being a factor. They are mostly just interested in conquests and telling their pals about it in the beauty parlor, while men are sensitive creatures who need love and affection - with lots of cuddling - before indulging in this most sacred of actions between the sexes.


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

Esteemed Mr. Know-It-All, please help me! I don't know what to do. I can either call the woman who provides good sex unreliably, or the one who provides reliable, bad sex. What is the answer to the choice between the partner who is great in bed when she decides to show up, and the partner who always shows up but you're not so thrilled when she does?


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Dr Know it all I have a question....Can you still achieve orgasm and complete the sex act when you are pissing yourself laughing at the time? ie Does laughing affect sex?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

R. Blue: ?

Tom: You have a knack for asking the most complicated questions. I would say first call the woman who offers good sex unreliably. If she shows up, you're in business. If she doesn't, say after 2 hours, call the reliable woman who offers bad sex. In this way, you go for the gold, but either way you get a medal. Thank you!

Cindyvine: Tests in this matter are still underway. In a few instances so far, orgasm has been achieved while laughing hysterically. This would seem to take a great deal of practice, practice, practice. You can begin by having your lover dress up as Bozo the Clown during the deed. Have you been practicing?


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

I want to practice but can't find anybody to help me


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Go down to Takeshita street. They're already wearing the costume!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

Hope you don't mind ...I gave you a link...not really sure how these things work but when I click it it takes me here...If it bothers you I'll delete it.

Cindy...oh never mind...I'm all out of practice.


trish1048 profile image

trish1048 7 years ago

Threatening? Moi??? Indignant maybe, but never threatening. I don't have a mean bone in my body.

The day I have to purchase sex I'll have to activate my expiration date :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

R. Blue: Thanks. I'll do the same.

Trish: Well, if you know where you can get fresh sex then more power to ya.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

The fact that a penis has a brain of its own. Scary....

And having to go blind under masterbation...too hilarious!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Christoph, may I give some input (for research purposes) into the "Having Sex while Laughing" matter.  Current up to date research shows that the difficulty factor for reaching climax this way is 1000 to 1 against.  The mechanism for laughing on the body is one of a contraction, or squeezing-in of the pelvis muscles.  In particular if the illusive G-spot is located and being worked upon, data shows that calmness by the finder is required at a heightened level.  Any deviation from 'flow', ie surprise or shock that Eldorado is not a myth, could damage any future exploration work.

Laughing by either party during a normal (ie non-G.Spot) climax is not recommended. In the 1000 people participating, only 1 had some success in follow through.  99% of male participants were emotionally bruised and had to be counselled before they could participate in any more lab work. This set the program back considerably and I almost lost my grant to keep the project afloat.

Until statistics show otherwise, I wish to submit these findings to your research.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

mayhmong: Thanks so much! Glad you had a laugh and thaks for the comment!

Jewels: Yes, Dr. Jewels. I will defer to your research on this matter, knowing as I do the extensive research you are personally conducting. Thank you.


Tom Cornett profile image

Tom Cornett 7 years ago from Ohio

Mr. Know it All....Do Asian people scream "Buddah" during sex?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Tom: Yes they do. It usually goes like this: During sex, the female says to the male, "You don't do it gud...you need to do it buddah." Then the male says, "Oh...I don't know what to do...I'm so confucious."

I hope this helps.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

In requards to penis brains, could it then be possible for a penis to get alzheimers?

Also, I'm wondering if it is possible to get pregnant while wearing panties, by swallowing, or from holding hands.

And finally, if Leon is getting larger and I'm on an airplane, should I be afraid?

Sincerely,

Wondering in St. Louis


logic,commonsense 7 years ago

Dr KnowItAll,

If you smoke after sex are you doing it too fast?


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Dr. Mr. Know-it-All

....I better not say it, or else pest and BP are going to kill me! LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Frieda:  Absolutely.  In fact, two of the mice from the above tests now cannot even remember who they are and are living in assisted living facilities.  In humans, there is no such thing as impotence.  Rather it is simply a penis whose brain can no longer remember what it's supposed to do.

As for your 2nd question, parts 1, 2, and 3 (I have given up trying to limit visitors to only one question), getting pregnant while wearing panties is a no-penis brainer.  I mean, you could be wearing panties on your head. Ditto for swallowing, if you swallowed a viable egg first, and 3, from holding hands, ever hear of divine conception?

Finally, Leon only gets turgid due to atmospheric pressure.  Don't worry about it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Logic: No. You need to increase your lube's viscosity. Try 40 weight.

Mayhmong: As you know, everything divulged to Mr. Know-It-All is stricly confidential. Come on. You can tell me.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I haven't got a good reason to blackmail them two snicker doodles yet. Check out our conversation on BPs new hub.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Oooooooooooo May!!!! you may indeed soon be Clay!!!, lol. Oh you little vixen LMAO, I gather you are referring to the party we had with JJ and the gang in the chat room here. What goes on in the house stays in de house loooool. You want money how much you want. Noooooo no money

If I do recall there were many people talking much more than me. I was hanging from the ceiling in a love seat remember just like little ole Miss Muffet.

Okie doke how bout we unite in force and go get one of them.ooooooo. Now I got to refresh this page and post my question here ohhhhhhh all this extra work


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Dear Mr Know It All,

Oh you seem so wise perhaps you could answer my question for me. What do you do in this type of scenerio?

This actually happened to me a few years ago and lingers in my mind. Imagine you are going out with a real TV freak, he never wants to do anything but watch TV, and your sex life is in total tatters. What happens if you suddenly stand naked in front of the screen to capture his eye, and he says "Excuse me I can't see the football."

Do you think this man may have been gay???? What would you have done at that moment of humiliation and wrath, if you had been me.

Thankyou kindly BP


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

If it was footie, would have sat down next to him and watched it on TV! Those men running around in their tight little shorts....


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

maymong and BP: It matters not who was hanging from what rafters to Mr. Know-It-All, nor who said what to whom, nor whom May was snickerdoodling with: Mr.-Know-It-All is here to help all without regard to sex, religion, race, creed, or sexual preclivities. And he keeps his mouth shut...so spill!

B.P. You pose a most perplexing conundrum. You say you presented your most exquisite female form before the bloke and he asked you to stand aside so he could see the match on the telly? How sad for him. He is obviously "brain challenged" and my suggestion would have been to dump him immediately and seek a mate who is not a football fan. In your country, I believe 1% of the male population is not a "footie", and unfortunately they are gay. Therefore, you should come to America, where men know which "playing field" to play on. I'll send you my address.

Cindyvine: If you wanted to watch the game, why did you get naked and stand in front of the telly in the first place? Mr. Know-It-All is confused.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I figured someone was going to come up with that kind of a question?! I would so dumped him too BP!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Mayhmong: Then it's official. Both Mayhmong and I agree. What did you do, Mr. Know-It-All wonders?


ripplemaker profile image

ripplemaker 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Hehehehe I enjoyed reading this one Chris Reilly. :-)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hehehehe. I enjoyed your comment, ripple maker! You're a doll!


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

Squeak squeak….. Sorry, don’t know where my brain went,

Mr. Know-it-all - If m+s =O-(hp +b) then why does m-s = (hp +b) I know you touched on the subject in relation to Jackalopes but how can you tell with mice.

@ Teresa- why not a field? There must be plenty of field mice about.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Oh Mr Know It All you are a genius, I never would have thought of such things that only you would know. Instead at the time I said "You can shove that footy up your...........................ear."

If I am ever in this situation again I am going to follow your directions to a Tee..in fact I may just come there right now..


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

No BP, have to agree with the boyfriend, footie takes presadence. (God have I typed that write, think first time I've ever written that word and not said it.)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Oh Cindy how can you say such things. Loving is way more important that footie. Boo Hoo


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Listen BP, I am a die hard rugby fan, and one day cricket fan, and am the type that gets up at 2am to watch a game my team is playing in. Can only watch on the computer here and that's one of the reasons I'm moving to Tanzania as there I can get DSTV and can watch all the games! No support from me in love before the games!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Holy Mackeral Cindy,you get up at 2.00am , now that's an avid fan if I ever heard of one. In my country they are not so keen.There are a fair few footy supporters that are full on but oh I don't know, I am only BP,Mr Know It All only knows everything. Ooops I just nearly choked on a Nutri-Grain.... Tennis is big here...


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Don't you think Mr Know It All reminds you of someone. He is the dead image of C Reilly this is all so uncanny


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Depends on what part of Oz you from BP, there are tons of die hard supporters there as well, especially with the one day cricket!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Paper Moon: Hmmmmm.... where in the world did you find such an equation? Did you dream it up while you were rotating around the Paper Earth? It doesn't appear algebraically sound (is that the letter oh or a zero??) but I would have to know the context in order to determine it's authenticity. If you care to clarify those matters, I should be more...whoops. Time's up. Your session has been disconnected.

B.P. and Cindyvine: I look at it this way. There will always be another game, but there will not always be a B.P. (The poor bloke is probably watching a game right now and dreaming of B.P.)


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Here here, I totally agree Chris or Mr Know It All, now you are the man, standing in my defence here,me and Cindy were debating footy, now she has progressed onto cricket LMAO


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

BP: While Cindy is debating footie, we can go play footsies! W0000!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Christoph: You haven't gone blind yet, have you??? Seems to me you are typing along and I love the hub...:):):D


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Research has shown that football fields are where the brains from the penis ends up enmass.  There is a chemical imbalance as a result of the separation of brain from penis.  Current research is showing a zombie like reaction when a television is turned on and football is on the screen.  This reaction is similar to an addiction over the top of a core issue. That issue being separation of brain from penis. Furthermore it is thought that a reuinion is being sought on a subconscious level by the male.

Unfortunately it renders the male intellectually challenged; a fog occurs where female enticements appear to be overlooked.  Totally bemusing to our research team.  Drug companies are looking for a cure as we speak.

NB. Football fields are also used for the sport of cricket, so all male dominating sports are included under the umbrella of football field.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Great idea can you stick your feet through my PC,I am awaiting. Woo hoooooooooo.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

AEvans: Thank you for your concern over my medical condition. I can assure you my vision is just fine (as long as I use this magnifying glass.) Thank you!

Jewels: Ha! So that's what it is! I knew there must be a perfectly logical explanation. That explains everything. Thank you so much for your expert imput, Professor Jewels. Your comments are always welcome.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

B.P. Ok. Ready? Here I go! OOooo.


hairy A.S.S. 7 years ago

Excuse me I was just watching some footy , did someone mention BP's name ? Question for Professor Jewels, women play cricket too does that mean they have a penis issue. ?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yes. It's called penis envy.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Chris . (clap)(clap) Front page of best Hubbers and score of 100.

BIG Congratulations.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks Ag. I appreciate it!


Whikat 7 years ago

Fantasticallly funny! I have a question Dr. Know it all. If a man lies to his mate does his penis get smaller or bigger?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Whicat: There is no know correlation between the Piccocchio syndrome and the penis, so simply telling a lie doesn't affect it. However, depending on what he lies about, there could very well be an effect. If he lied, for example, about being in a horrible accident, the penis would get smaller just as if he HAD been in a horrible accident. Conversely, if he lied about being with the Sweedish Bikini Team, it might grow larger. Thanks you for your question.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Don't forget Chris you are helping me with that something remember lol


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

BP: How could I forget. What were we talking about?


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

What is the best length of time for a sexual encounter?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

cindyvine: 8 inches.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

lol Christoph hahahahaha ROFL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ahh, I was just pullin' your peg leg, my friend. Thanks for coming by!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

How do you make phone sex enjoyable? Blue wants to know.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Cindyvine: Have sex someone while having a phone conversation with somebody else.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

There you have it Blue, actually, omigod memories are flooding back, blush, blush


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Hahahahaha oh Chris how could you forget. Boo Hoo. Cough cough. You were 100 years old yesterday does that ring a bell LMAO


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ummmm...I'm afraid it doesn't. Please enlighten me. Puh-leeeeeese!


R. Blue profile image

R. Blue 7 years ago from Right here

I see cindy is over here spilling all my trade secrets.....so that was The know-it-all on the phone while we were having sex...might have known. she's always trying to find ways to spice things up.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

I will tell you in private I think otherwise the trade secret will be leashed upon the world hahaha.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

I am just going for some Breaky.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

I have been unable to get a serious answer to my question.

Is it true that atheists cannot have sex in the missionary position?


Kelsey Tallis profile image

Kelsey Tallis 7 years ago from USA-Ohio

My god that's a lot of comments! But love the article. I'll be linking it a Sex Thread I have on another forum... ;)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

R. Blue: I wondered why she kept saying, "Are you in yet?"

BP: I'll wait with baited hook!

MM: Yes and no. They do have sex in a similar position, but they call it "The Darwin".

Kelsey Tallis: Thank you! I'm always happy to get a link! Much appreciated!


Enelle Lamb profile image

Enelle Lamb 7 years ago from Canada's 'California'

Damn! The comments take longer to go through than the hub...and are almost as funny! Hillarious hub btw! Thank you for such a laugh...can't wait for the next column


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Enelle: Thank you for coming by. Glad you liked it and maybe had a laugh. Thanks!


Sally's Trove profile image

Sally's Trove 7 years ago from Southeastern Pennsylvania

OH! So that's what happened to that water heater of yours long ago...remember? It was you bumping into it, knocking it over, and ripping its pipes out of the wall, because you'd gone blind. Why didn't you tell us then? Oh, I think I know. You weren't ready to talk about that stuff on HubPages. My, how you've blossomed! And how well you've turned those personal experiences into uncertifiable advice.

Stellar, stellar. Gotta go read it again. I don't think I learned everything I need to know just on the first pass. LMAO.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sally: You always see right through me. I was hoping to keep that bit of information to myself, but now it's out in the open. I keep thinking, "If only I had put the scissors away," or "If only I didn't do that herky jerky thing." So many variables led to my self-inflicted blindness. But do not pity me. My senses of taste, touch, hearing, and smell are so much stronger.

Thanks for coming by. Love to hear from you!


pgrundy 7 years ago

Mr. Know It All, is it a turn off for men if the woman reads during sex? What about knitting? Is knitting OK?

Please answer ASAP. It's urgent.


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 7 years ago from USA

Will someone please turn the light out? I hate sex with the light on. Gosh, have you know romance??? mystery, it's all about mystery. and there is too a G spot.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

pgrundy: I can always count on you to ask the most complicated of questions. Let's take your first question, "reading." This totally depends on what the woman is reading. E.g., if she is reading Playboy or Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, or even Car and Driver, it can be quite a turn on. Conversely, Dr. Zhivago would not go over so well (and would probably put the female to sleep.)

Your second question is easier to answer. No, knitting is not OK, not so much because of the knitting itself, per se, but because of the danger presented by the knitting needles. (See "blindness" above.) You may just as well hold a gun up to the side of his head. Such threats are not conducive to full turgidity. Try irigami. Irigami is OK.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

mariesue: There IS a g-spot? Well, good luck finding it with the lights out.


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

LMAO!!!!!!I love it! I'm sorry I didn't make it here sooner but glad in a way because I get to read all the great comments. Sorry to hear of your blindness btw. maybe yoy should considering keeping the scissors in the kitchen. I have afew questions for you because really I am not very educated in the matter of sex, so here's the first

1. Does sex get better when your children move out?

2. Does he really slip when he says he did or is he just trying to pull a move?

3. Does a dog watching you have sex constitute a threesome?

4. What is the best brand of lubricant?

5. What are the dangers of having sex in public places?

6. Do you know where my batteries are?

I hope you can answer all my questions, I have been a good girl this year and I promise I will be good all of next year too. Oh, sorry, thought I was writing to santa for a minute.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gwendymom: I'm gonna have to write a whole new hub to answer all your questions.

1. Generally, it will get better. Now you can scream, shout obscenities, and do it on the kitchen table, just like you used to when you actually wanted to have sex. Of course, now you won't have anyone to feed you grapes or take photographs, but that is a small trade off.

2. Yes, but it's known as a "Freudian" slip, since it's what he wanted to do all along.

3. Not unless he starts humping your leg. Otherwise, he's just a "peeping Fido."

4. Mazzola Corn Oil - for when you're really cookin'.

5. You could catch pneumonia.

6. Third dresser drawer, all the way to the back, left hand side.

Thank you for your questions. Please come again.

2.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I'm gone for a few hours and you're already answering so many questions?! I suggest you to write a hub on answering some hub request like me and cindyvine did! I love to hear your great advice!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Maymong: Thank you for your suggeston. Mr Know-It-All will take your suggestion under consideration, talk to his spiritual advisor, consult his astrologer, have a séance with his psychic, present it to his board of directors, and put it to a vote with his stock holders. Thank you.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Oh geez, do I have to go through all that trouble? I'm sure you already have tons of request to put up with!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

May: What do you have to go through? I said I was going to go through all that. You don't have to do anything, May. Just keep on being you. That's all anyone can ask!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Ooops, jumping in to conclusion....nevermind...la la la la


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

No problem here, May! la la la la


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Laughing Out Like Crazy. OMG, I love it, I love, I love it, Mr. Know-It-All. You are a genius!

Here's a little reward for the laughter that you shared:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDI5mIdsj-w&fea...


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Mr Sextagenarian, I was making love with my husband when he accidentally squeezed on my breast and my breast milk shot him in the eye. This caused him to have immediate hydraulic failure. My breasts seem to have developed a life of their own now that I'm breast-feeding and tend to squirt out copious amounts of liquid whenever I get excited. How can I still enjoy sex without getting excited?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sheena:  Thanks for coming by and the lovely comment!  Glad you liked it and I could bring a smile to your face.  Thanks for the "gift" too.  Carlos is one funny dude!

Cindy:  Thanks for your question and way too much information.  As for how to still enjoy sex without getting too excited, stop fantasizing about Brad Pitt and actually think about your husband instead.  Thank you.


Adam B 7 years ago

Great Hub, I particularly liked when you said both the cheese and the vagina was swiss.


gpetrou85 profile image

gpetrou85 7 years ago from greece

good


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Adam B: Thanks for coming by. That's one of my favorite lines too. Thank you for your comment.

gpetrou: Thanks.


kbdunn profile image

kbdunn 7 years ago from Seattle, WA

lol. Was expecting some kind of serious material, but this is great and funny.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

kbdunn: Thank you very much for coming by, but what makes you think this is not serious material? Any "funny" is purely unintentional. Still, I appreciate your comment! Thanks!


Janetta 7 years ago

LMAO, Too funny, loved it! So here's my question--If 7 % of the mice ran to the cheese, which corresponds with the gay population, are you then saying that gay men are attracted to cheese? Or just repulsed by vagina? And must it always be a Swiss vagina? Because that could mean a whole lot of men aren't actually gay, just living in the wrong country? :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Janetta: I think I just pulled a muscle in my brain (the main one.) Keep this in mind though...to a mouse a piece of cheese is not just a piece of cheese, but rather the finest holiday banquet.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

My point exactly. So repulsion has nothing to do with it. It is simply through which exit does which mouse find the more desirable banquet. If you were to reverse the experiment, and put a penis at one exit, you would find 7% of the mice choosing it, and 93% choosing the cheese. (Ha, ha. We should submit a paper to some scientific journal about this!)


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Hey, ducky, when are you going to publish that new hub? I notice you've been dealing with a lot of fanmail. Thought I hollar at ya again! ;)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

You mean a Vampire hub? I guess I'll never rest until I do. I don't know when. Thanks for hollerin'!


Miss Behaving profile image

Miss Behaving 7 years ago from Memphis, TN

i am practically out of breath from having to scroll what seemed like an eternity to get to the bottom of your comments.....

you my dear Mr. Know-it-all, may I call you Dr. Know-it-all, from now on? are hysterical, I am crying tears of joy...thank you

well I think they are tears of joy, or perhaps a casualty from too much self pleasuring...I am not sure, again, I shall take notes and participate in labs, and get my stats to you when I hit upon something....

 


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Dear Miss Behaving: It is a pleasure to hear from you, all though not as much pleasure as you recieved pleasuring yourself.  You may call me anything you please, as I am partial to girls from Memphis, being from Memphis myself.  As a fellow scientist, I am looking forward to the notes and papers and conclusions derived from your current field of inquiry.  Do keep me informed.

Beware the duck at the Peabody they call "Louie."  Thinks he's a dog and will hump your leg.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Dear Mr Know It All what is a peg leg, they talk about in the Captain's hub. Is it a peg stuck to the trousers. Is it plastic or wooden???


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

BP: If you are serious, it is a wood attachment that goes in place of a missing limb. Today we have fancy prosthetics, but back in the day they just had a piece of wood - like a pole or a large pet - worn from the knee to the ground. Ergo - pegleg.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

I was serious LMAO I did not know what it was, I mean I was joking about the peg stuck to the trousers haha but I did not know what it actually was. Thanks Ducky you always have the answers I seek. Are you on Twitter yet? I am giving your Hubs a plug tonight with my many fans there haha, seriously I hope it works well for you.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thanks for the tweets, my little tweetie bird! That is a kind and generous gesture!


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

I reckon that Blondepoet has been the cause of many a horizontal fleshy peg leg.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ha, ha! I reckon so! Maybe that's why they call them "wood" or "woodie!"

Nice to see you, Mr. Graudins!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Hahahaha I just knew there was another meaning for peg leg.Was waiting for Chris to tell me.. Oh EG indeed LMAO, I always condsidered it a great tribute the peg leg rising to salute me as I come past hahaha


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Bp, maybe you should introduce Chris to our three legged Jake. ?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

BP: You must get a lot of great tributes!

Ag: First came "Chinatown," then "The Two Jakes," and now the "three legged Jake?" What is that?


Sue Bailey profile image

Sue Bailey 7 years ago from South Yorkshire, UK

So many comments and quite rightly so. This was hilarious and I can tell you've researched the subject thoroughly. Keep up the good work; it made me laugh out loud.


colorsuz profile image

colorsuz 7 years ago from Ann Arbor, MI

haha this is hilarious. I know some parts are true, but I am assuming others have been added in for comedic value. You have earned my fan-ship. I haven't become anyone's fan yet, I'm new to this biz.


SoulaBee profile image

SoulaBee 7 years ago from United States

Can a girl get pregnant from sitting on a toilet after a boy does?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sue Bailey: Thank you very much! It is the biggest compliment to me to be told I made someone laugh out loud!

Colorsuz: Thanks again! Nice to meet you by the way and I'm honored to be your first "fanee." Welcome to HP. I'll come by and say howdy and bring you a welcome basket or something.

Soula: Of course! How silly of you to ask. When a girl sits on a toilet after a boy does, and before the boy has gotten up, it is very easy to get pregnant. In popular slang, this is called "Two on a Toilet."


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 7 years ago from Australia

Re: Three legged Jake:

He's the guy who does Blondepoet's gardening.

The poor fellow had both legs cut off at the knees in an industrial accident.

Round the neighbourhood, they usually call him "TRIPOD". :-)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

I'll bet he's constantly trying to do BP's gardening...ahem.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I consider drinking two beers foreplay, but my wife says it is not.

Can I have an expert opinion on this?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

GT: No. That's 2-play. Four beers is 4-play.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

Thank you for the clarification, I will inform her that I must increase my intake. I'm sure she will respond well to the information.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

GT: You're welcome. That's what I'm here for. Here...take my card.


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I left the top of this hub on Tuesday, finally made it to the bottom just now!  I don't remember what I was going to say other than, I love Mr. Know-It-All!

Re a sex question, I've had a burning question for years and I think Mr. Know-It-All is the only one who can answer it.  Were Boris and Natasha lovers?  I mean, he was 2'4" tall and she was about 6'2".

I hope the moose picks my question!

By the way, I think that it is spelled m-a-s-t-u-r-b-a-t-e.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ms. Anderson.  Thank you for attending my seminar, and your subsequent question.  Undoubtedly, Boris and Natasha were lovers.  Russian females are well known as being orally demanding, and males, at least during the cold war, were hungry.  Therefore, Boris was the perfect height to satisfy Natasha's needs while sating his own hunger.

As for the spelling, when discussing amateurs, it IS spelled masturbate, as you suggest.  However, when you have reached the Master rank, it is spelled masterbate.  Due to confusion, the use of the word in question has been changed.  Thank you for pointing it out.

As always, the moose is thrilled to see you!


Shirley Anderson profile image

Shirley Anderson 7 years ago from Ontario, Canada

Oh, Mr. Know-It-All, I just knew you could give me what I wanted! Thanks for clearing up that little mystery for me. Actually, once I was out of public school and had a little better idea of what goes on (although not nearly as much as I thought I did), I suspected that the answer might be something like that.

Whew! It's a relief to finally have the answer.

You're brilliant! I am going to tell everyone with sex questions to call you. Don't worry, we'll build up your practise with word of mouth, alone.

Thanks again, Mr. Know-It-All! Say hi to Rocky for me!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thank you, Shirley. I am happy to have satisfied your needs and I look forward to satisfying more of your needs, whatever they may be, in the near future!


AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

A Magnifying glass? Now that is up close and personal..lololol


obxpoet profile image

obxpoet 7 years ago

You are a Gem! I even had to read through the comments just to see your responses and I wasn't disappointed.  Bravo!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

AEvans: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Thanks for understanding.

obxpoet: That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day. You are a gem for saying so. Can't believe you read all the comments, but it's appreciated. Thanks so much!


kea profile image

kea 7 years ago

Hi Christoph R! Nicely done. Nice to know I won't go blind :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

kea: Really? I would think that would be something you WOULD be concerned about. Not that there's anything wrong with that.


logic,commonsense 7 years ago

A question for blondepoet, kea, AE, shirley and all the other lovely ladies out there.

When you grab my ears is that a good thing or a bad thing? Or should I just tell you to let go of them, I know what I'm doing down there? Course it may be difficult to understand what I am saying. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

I'll leave that one for someone else! (Maybe you just have really big ears and they can't help it.)


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Funny hub. Just as a side note, running around the room as foreplay is just plain lazy.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer Rider: Glad you thought it was funny.

Lazy? You never saw me run around the bedroom! Say, I'm a writer if you're a rider!


WhiskeyChick profile image

WhiskeyChick 7 years ago from North of Somewhere

Is oogling your neighbor through high powered night vision binoculars considered foreplay?


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Whiskey I would make a wild guess that it would be regarded as foreplay only if you were in the same room, but Mr Know it all will have a more definitive answer I am sure.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

Where can I get high powered night vision binoculars?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Whisky Chick:  Ah.  You have a smokey, deep fruit and woodsy flavor.  You are meant to be sipped and savored, not to be gulped down in some pointless college drinking game but rather swirled on the tongue. Umm...was there a question?  Oh, yes...voyeurism, most definitely can be foreplay.  The purpose of foreplay is to get us ready to have intercourse, which includes arousal.  If voyeurism achieves this arousal for you, or if the subject is engaging in arousing behavior - in your case, a group of college boys savoring you on their tongues - it does indeed count as foreplay. Thank you for your question. 

Agvulpes:  Thank you for coming by, but I must ask you once again to please refrain from giving the patients your so-called diagnoses.  You remember what happened the last time? That poor bloke eloped with a sheep and the poor lady went to live in a nunnery.  Tsk, tsk.

Tom: As for your question of where you can purchase high-powered, night vision binoculars, here is my answer:

Night vision bi-nocs make the dark alive; that pretty neighbor's sleep deprived; She changes your mood while walking 'round nude; I sell them for nine ninety-five.


Herald Daily profile image

Herald Daily 7 years ago from A Beach Online

Just curious - how is that a moose knows more about human sexuality than I do?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Herald Daily: You'd be surprised how much you can learn from a flying squirell. Sherman taught me a few things too. Thanks for the comment.


meghansmummy profile image

meghansmummy 7 years ago

lol i love this


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

meghansmummy: Hi. Thanks! Glad you liked it. I like mummies. Even Egyptian ones that belong to people named Meghan. Wrap it up...I'll take it!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Christoph, my psydonym is not literal. It means that I'm taking an adventure through writing.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer Rider: Oh yes, I get it. That was like a joke. Not exactly a joke, because it apparantly didn't succeed, but it was LIKE one, in that it attempted to be funny, you know, like an actual joke would. Still, I appreciate the clarification. And how is your adventure coming? Well, I hope.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Guessing from your animosity the question is not have my adventure is going-but how is yours?


EcoAsh profile image

EcoAsh 7 years ago from Hemet

That was freaking funny. So is the one eyed monster attracted to big juicy melons? lol


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer: That was not meant as animosity. Just trying to be funny again. Seriously. Take it easy, will ya?

EcoAsh: Thanks for coming and the very nice comment. As for your question, I am currently at a loss. Thanks!


Herald Daily profile image

Herald Daily 7 years ago from A Beach Online

Hey, Mr. Know It All is a moose, Mr. Peabody is a dog, Rocky is a squirrel and the topic is sex. So, was Sherman into beastiality?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Herald: That's a good question. Maybe he had a thing for Boris?


Writer Rider 7 years ago

The other meaning then yes, you'd be a writer in that instance.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Oh Christoph, do you think that men with big paunches have tiny willies because all the skin has gone up into making the paunch?


Rayne_Storm profile image

Rayne_Storm 7 years ago

I was reading this weekend and in a couple of places the author described male character after having orgasm, as having a "pained look" on his face. Does it hurt when guys get off? IF not, why the "pained look"?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer:  Ok.  You've totally lost me now. What were we talking about?

Cindyvine:  While that is a very interesting theory that deserves further study - perhaps I'll suggest it to the Wee Willie Winkie Institute - I believe that the following equation can best answer your most excellent query:  Tiny weenie = no lovin' = overeating = paunch.  This theory is mostly credited to Occam's Razor.

 


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

Christoph - I placed a link at my Hub about sex education that does not work. Readers need a good laugh after reading mine LOL - Hope you don't mind my linking to your engaging article.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Rayne_Storm: This is the type of question that brings Mr. Know-It-All to "pained look" heaven, so I am thrilled you asked. Your question is, does it hurt when guys get off, thereby causing a pained look on their faces. Some would go into some tripe about the fine line between pain and pleasure, but that is just to protect you. The truthful answer is, Yes, it hurts. It hurts like hell. Guys getting off for women is all done just to please the women. The men get nothing for all this trouble except, as you observed, a pained look. We indure this pain all for you...wait. Are you saying women DON'T like it? That...that we've been induring this pain for nothing? Holy cow! HOLD THE PRESSES!

Welcome to HP. I'll be anxiously awaiting your first hub, come round and say hi when you publish, OK? I'll also be looking forward to being invited over for gumbo, etoufee, crab boils, and the like. Thanks!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Patty Inglish MS (Master of Sex):  I am always pleased to have a link, but what are you saying?  Are you saying my article is not serious?  It's as serious as a dose of Gonorrhea (wasn't that the name of one of the elf chicks in Lord of the Rings?) 

Thanks for the link, Patti. It's always a compliment when you link to me.  I'm more than happy to link back to you also.  Thanks.


2C's 7 years ago

Dr Know it all, which his heavier? An eight pound penis, an eight pound vagina, eight pounds of pubic hair or my huffing and puffing when i have sex? hmmm?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

2C's. Hmm. A conundrum stuffed into an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Hmm. Okay. Eight pounds of penis is a weight; eight pounds of vagina is a liquid measurement; and eight pounds of pubic hair is volumn. They cannot be compared. Therefore, your huffing and puffing - which is all of the above - is the heavier. All the girls say so.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

I don't mean to be spoiled sport and all but HP can sometimes be trashy.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer: But a humorless world would be sad.


Ms Terry Hubber profile image

Ms Terry Hubber 7 years ago from Earth

Dear Mr. Reilly:

I have a question for you. Tonight, my husband called me a circus freak. I'm not sure if it was an endearment or if I should pack my bags and run away to the circus. What do you think?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ms. Terry Hubber: Have I met Mr. Hubber? Anyway, thanks for your question. Warning: The answer may be trashy. I can't answer without understanding the context of the epithet uttered by Mr. Hubber. If it was after a particularly "gymnastic" sexual escapade, it would be a compliment of the highest degree. If, on the other hand, you had 3 breasts and 2 vaginas, then by all means, run away and join the circus...or make porn movies. Either or. Thank you for your question!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Surely a sexy topic doesn't need to be gutterbuttish. And basically, it's not this hub but the comments between you and a rather fresh individual. Truly, a creative person can come up with a better expression than an eight pound penis...which is disturbing if only because the image stays in your mind and...gross!Plus I feel the second half is disrespectful to women (who want respect). It has a rather hollywood blvd. feel.


eaasi3574 7 years ago

good article


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 7 years ago from Florida

Absolutely hilarious, Chris!!! I have to disagree on a few points, though. The G-Spot is real. Sorry if you haven't been able to find it, but just because you can't find it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. That's like saying that because Columbus couldn't find India, didn't mean it didn't exist, he just hit the wrong spot. He was just looking in the wrong place. I do agree on the faking orgasms thing, though. Shhh...don't tell my ex!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer: Now hold it right there, lady. You may come on here and say I am full of animosity, or crass, or "gutterbuttish," but you may NOT say I am disrespectful to women! Ever. Your opinion doesn't make it so. I'm fairly well known here, and I don't think you will find anyone accusing me of being disrespectful of women. Quite the opposite. Out of the 100 or so other writers who have commented on this hub, you are the only one who has been contrary and "spoiling for a fight.." I'm not going to defend myself to you. But hey, thanks for visiting my hub 6 times to get your daily dose of "trash."

eaasi3574: Thanks for coming by and the comment.

Anna: Hi, Anna! Of course you mean to tell Mr. Know-It-All that the G-spot is real and HE was looking in the wrong place. I, Chris, know well where it is - and it works too! I cannot be held responsible for what Mr. Know-It-All says. He is either an idiot or just going for laughs. I can't decide which. So, did you wish to tell us more about your "India?" I feel sorry for Columbus now.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

I think its time some of your faithful fans come to your defence Christoph. You always match your banter to the randiness or lack there of, of your fans. I have never known you to disrespect one though. In fact I feel quite safe in your comment box.


Patricia Costanzo profile image

Patricia Costanzo 7 years ago from Behind the Redwood Curtain

I've got to second that Randi!  You are a gentleman among men Chris!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Randi: Thanks for the comment. It means a lot to me. Thank you!

Patricia: That is a very nice thing to say and, I hope, true. I appreciate your support, and you are well-known as a very proper girl, so when I have your admiration, that says a lot.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 7 years ago from North America

"Master of Sex" - you have no idea...

Glad to have our Hubs linked, anyway.


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

I'm with you Randy! Christoph, you have the admiration of many fans. Don't let anyone get to you. It wouldn't be the same around here without your sense of humor and banter back and forth.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Patty: Ha,ha! No, I don't..do I? I've always wondered what the MS stood for, so thought I'd take a guess! I'm glad we're linked also. Thanks for asking!

LM: Thanks, LM. I appreciate your comment and support during this trying time. Ha! Can't we all just get along?


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

I heard the calvary call and I'm HERE!

I have never seen Christoph talk to anyone with animosity or crassness, and he's certainly not capable of being or producing gutterbuttish. What is gutterbuttish anyway? Is that like gutter rat trash? Anyway, I find the comments here to be hysterical and fun, and Christoph is most respectful of women always.

You da man CR. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thank you, Pam. I am most honored. You're a peach, respectfully!


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

Gee, what's with the comments? Sorry, I guess I was more excited than I thought.


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

I heard the word Gutterbuttish and hauled my candy ass right on over here! That's a demon word if I ever heard one, and Mavis can back me up on that too!

So I got my garlic, holy water, tequila, and other supplies standing by! :D

I got so excited earlier that I hit the wrong key and sent a premature comment! ;) Hey, maybe you can help me with that.


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

I heard the word GUTTERBUTTISH and hauled my


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

I heard the word GUTTERBUTTISH and hauled my candy


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

I heard the word GUTTERBUTTISH and hauled my candy ass


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

I heard the word GUTTERBUTTISH and hauled my candy ass righto


Laughing Mom profile image

Laughing Mom 7 years ago

C.A.--you're too funny. I don't have holy water, but I have a clove of garlic left from dinner last night and plenty of tequila. Will that help?


C.A. Hubberpants profile image

C.A. Hubberpants 7 years ago from HubPages Lounge

@ LM...heck yea! More garlic and more tequila will help for sure! Thanks! lol!

Christoph, sorry about those two premature comments. I don't know what key my finger hit, but it was wicked! So if you have a chance to help me with my premature posting problem, then I would appreciate it. It's bound to be sexually related in some way.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

C.A. Hubberpants: Ha, ha! Can I leave 'em? It's soooo funny!

Laughing Mom: I could sure use the tequila right about now!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Soooo funny!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sooo funny!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sooo funny!


Elena. profile image

Elena. 7 years ago from Madrid

Howdo, Chris. Just here to say hi, I still adore you, I've been away but now I'm here for 24 hours to make all the noise that needs to be made. BESOS!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Elena: Besos to you, my Spanish friend!


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

I'm here to defend one of my favorite hubbers! (That's you CR) I have never EVER heard of Christoph being disrespectful to any woman or man for that matter. He is a gentleman to the core! Obviously this hub is done in humor and if you don't get it then I feel bad for you, a sense of humor helps make life easier. What I don't understand is if you are insulted by this hub then why did you come back 6 times to post a comment? CR, I stand by you and your humor, you're the best and I love ya for it!!!!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

This hub is going to hit 100 before you know it!BTW, gotta check out this C.A hubberpants! Must be Spongebobs Squarepants relative in town.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

Well, I see the pickle I got you into Chris ol' pal with Writer Rider. I do apologize for it, but I was only being hypothetical in a crass way I suppose. I meant no disrespect to anyone and you all know that. So I se she hasn't returned and I will respond to her myself. You may go ahead and delete my alleged offending comment Chris if it will help you to alleviate any further harrasement.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gwendymom: Hi Gwen! You're the greatest! Thanks for coming by. I'm overwhelmed (and horny...sorry, couldn't resist.) You mean the world to me, as you know.

May: That would be something, wouldn't it? And you definitely should read some Hubberpants. Talk about great senses of humor! Oy vey!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

I forgot, you gave a very wise answer to my offending question. LOL You are the man!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Everytime I visit a good hub page, I give it a thumbs up! I don't understand who would have a problem with this hub?!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Charlie: I will not. Thanks for offering though. It's not any more "crass" than many other questions that have been posted here, the point being, of course, to make them as ridiculous as possible. You weren't out of line, I don't feel, and since I am making up the rules...meh. I could try to explain to some how there is an underlying social comment that is at the root (Ha, I said "root") of this hub, about misguided sex information, confusion between the sexes on why one side or the other behaves in some way, and more, but I don't feel like it.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

C. C.: Thanks! You are the...uh...other man!

Thanks Mayhmong, for the thumbs up. Nice to see you!


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

All sounds good to me then. I'll wait and see what happens, she is one of my fans and don't want to stir her up anymore. But this is a great work here and it stands alone, brilliant. I enjoyed ot greatly, thanks Chirs


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Thank you!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Gwendymom-Don't mean to stir the pot, but maybe you don't know what a respectful man is. Sorry.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Well, actually, one of your other hubs was blatantly insulting.


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Definetely not you! >:P

....You're a man???


gwendymom profile image

gwendymom 7 years ago from Oklahoma

Writer Rider, I do know what a respectful man is, I have been married to one for 18 years. Obviously you don't have a very good sense of humor or else you would understand that this is all in fun with adults who are commenting and having a good time. it's all in a joking manner. And yet again you come back and comment on a hub that you find offensive.

Consider the pot stirred!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer: Wow! And which hub would you be referring to?

May: Hi!

Gwendymom: Unbelievable that you would be questioned. We all know you, and you are one of the kindest, most decent people to ever live. That's how I feel about it.


WhiskeyChick profile image

WhiskeyChick 7 years ago from North of Somewhere

Thanks for answin' my question Chris. I'll let you know how it turns out with my neighbor. Don' t think I'll tell him I've noticed just yet. I do have another question for you if you don't mind. Why is it that some people get so excruciatingly hungry after sex? All I want to do is devour a juicy bar burger n steak fries. This happens more often than not.


Writer Rider 7 years ago


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

While the easy answer would be that sex is exercise and we burn up a lot of fuel engaging in it, so we have a need to re-fuel for the next time. But Mr. Know-It-All does not go for the easy answer. No, no. It acually goes back to cave people, when their sole drive was to survive and procreate. So after the sex act, we naturally do the other thing that we do, which is eat. The only difference is that cave people had mastadon burgers, usually rare. Thank you for your question.


WhiskeyChick profile image

WhiskeyChick 7 years ago from North of Somewhere

Your link's broke Writer.  Are you fer real?  You really got troubles with this?  Well, I fer one sure don't.  An quite frankly, considering the fact that you're here, out of the billions of things there are up on the internet this very moment, is beyond fascinating to say the least.

Thank you for the answer. A mastadon burger sure sounds good. Too bad. So I guess I'm in tune with my primitive self. Good to know.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer:  I do believe you have gone off the deep end.  Offensive to whom?  Scientists?  Really, I'm at a loss to identify what you find offensive there.  And by the way, you screwed up the link. It is"

http://hubpages.com/literature/How-To-Write-Like-a...


Writer Rider 7 years ago

"See? You can't even get your metaphors right, and therein is your first bonus lesson: Scientists don't use metaphors"-I had pubished a poem shortly before that. Coincedence?


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Don't come here if you find this offensive. I stand up in defense of CR, he is the finest here. If people can't determine the difference between humour in writing and reality, what a sad tragedy that is.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer: I left a longer response on the Scientist hub, but yes, pure coincidence. I had never read your poem, and I certainly wouldn't belittle you for anything you may have written in one. I'll try to find the poem in question and see what you are referring to, but really, you've imagined it. 5 months is a long time to let something fester. I wish you had brought it up at the time.

BlondPoet: Hi! Thanks BP, for your support. It's always nice to see you, and how sweet that you would stand up for me.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 7 years ago from West Virginia

Wrier GET A GRIP and I am not saying of what. That is your choice. This hub was so funny! Lighten up, life isn't to be taken seiously! You need to get laid and have a good laugh my dear. Chris has never been anything but respectable. Thosew who think different are hard noses and have no respect for anything but themselves.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Lady: I'm flattered (and you gave me a good laugh, too!) I didn't expect to see you here so I'm thrilled. Thanks.

Writer: I can't identify which poem you are referring to.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

My research shows that people who have been depraved of intercourse over a long period of time become agitated, more common term is frustrated. In some cases this turns to aggression. Loss of humor is a number one sign and those within a 90 mile radius are made aware that rampant outburst could arise.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Lg-I get laid all the time. There were never any complaints about my multiple orgasms (natural mind you). If you want me to get a grip...then don't insult me, simple. It's not the hub that I was complaining about, it was the comments. Sorry if I was risen with a modicum of class.


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Are multiple orgasms ever not natural? What is a non-natural orgasm - you mean faked?


Writer Rider 7 years ago

I never faked an orgasm in my life.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 7 years ago from West Virginia

Writer, I see how you work now.. you can insult others but they cannot say anything to you or it will be considered an insult. Take some self responsibility dear.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Did I insult you LG? I don't recall. Sometimes I might get impatient, I grant you that, especially in regards to prejudice and the like and, yes, I should strive to be understand people with all different points of view. I'm not Gandhi, give me a break.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

If it is my comment in question, and I also am 2C's, in your mind Writer you saw what you wanted to see. Have you ever seen a Whales penis, much more than 8 pounds. How much does a Mules weigh? And as for the vagina Whales and other animals alos have hube genitalia. You have twisted what I said to what your mind saw. And me now creative? that is blesphemous indeed. I think you are using me to get to Mr. Reilly for something else which is none of my business. But if your beef is with me, then use one of my hubs or email me please and quit taking out your frustration on the fine author of this creative hub. Better yet, lets us just drop the whole thing and live in peace. I also stated wrongly to Chris that you are one of my fans, I neglected to type in the word 'not' my mistake, sorry.


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 7 years ago from West Virginia

Writer, uh no ..you need to give Chris a break.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Cris, this is what got me going, but maybe I jumped to conclusions: Reilly: Writer Rider: Oh yes, I get it. That was like a joke. Not exactly a joke, because it apparantly didn't succeed, but it was LIKE one, in that it attempted to be funny, you know, like an actual joke would. Still, I appreciate the clarification. And how is your adventure coming? Well, I hope.


Janetta 7 years ago

There are approximately 70 different hubbers (yes I counted) commenting on this hub--only one had any problems whatsoever with hub or other comments. What does that tell you?


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Hi Christoph, not sure how I missed this hub before, but I for one did find it very funny, but as you know I have a very innuendo based sense of humour. You have always been totally respectful to women in my experience, and I certainly have no complaints.

Now, to my all important question,

Is it true than the size of a man's "tackle", can be gauged as similar in proportion to the size of his hands or feet? (By the way, what size shoes do you take?)

:)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I for one, love offensive hubs, but unfortunately this is not one! Damn you CR, why do you always have such style to your craft!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

PS. Although as you know I am a typical woman and not at all obsessed with penis size :)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

I am obsessed with penis size. I'm a bit insecure.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Oh GT, I am sorry to hear that, but I am sure Christoph can offer some reassuring words or advice. Is it the fact that the women don't stop laughing when you take your trousers down, or has one of them asked you "Is it in yet????"

Whatever your experiences have been, I am sure you will be more than adequate for most women.

(Golly, what's cum over me......!)


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Sorry C.R! I wasn't referring that comment towards you! I can't believe I miss so much commotion after a few clients walked in!? And to misty and GT, you must know how important penis size is by now. ;)


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

misty- its when they hand me over the brochure on surgeries that work


Lady Guinevere profile image

Lady Guinevere 7 years ago from West Virginia

Misty--ROFL!!!!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Oh dear G.T. that must be worrying, although apparently the surgeries are very good.

Mayhmong, I don't think it is too important unless the penis in question is either extraordinarily small (little finger size etc), or extremely large, (i.e. he can wrap it around his waist). Both can be very offputting. :)


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Ohhh...I did not need to know that..but thanks misty.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

No worries mayhmong ;)


LAmatadora 7 years ago

OMG...this is quite the discussion. Let me say that with size..the majority of men are Average and there are a few that are hung like horses too. But if you can appeal to her mind and her inner senses it can be just as good. Also it doesn't matter how long the pole is,,,its how chubby the poker is!!! LOL

( Christoph: you can delete this if this is too offensive of a comment!) =)


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Hold your horses Writer Rider! What are you whining about? Is it the hub or the comments? Everybody knows CR here and the man is well respected. This hub is all for fun, I couldn't find anything that is offensive. If you are complaining about the comments...look at what you have commented on this hub so far. What's to brag about your natural multiple orgasm?

This hub was written in a light note to humor CR's fans. Clearly, you do not know the man for squirting your ass leaving orgasm comments. You are offending me and the rest with your comments.

CR, I need you to tell me what to do when my hormones are raising hell. LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Hi.  Everybody.  I had a dinner break.  Thanks so much.  Um..Mayhmong, don't know what you're referring to but I never thought you directed anything towards me.

Misty:  It's not true that penis size is related to the size of a man's hands or feet.  Feet are however related to mouth size, since we sometimes put our feet in them.

GT:  Thanks for the support, but dammit, I'm trying to be more offensive.  I still need more practice, huh?  I'll work on it.

Charlie:  Ha, ha.  You tried to hold the peace as long as you could...

Lady Guinevere:  Your argumentation skills continue to impress me...

Jewels:  I haven't overlooked you, and I thank you. I know I can always count on you, and you on me.

Janetta:  What a nice surprise, and you counted the hubbers!  I'm impressed!  Thanks!

and last, but certainly not least...

Writer Rider:  That is a pretty innocuous statement that you got upset about.  Clearly I am making fun of myself for not being funny, and anyway, I apologized immediately when you made it clear you were offended.  I still can't for the life of me figure out what my "Write like a Scientist" hub has to do with you, or why you found it particularly offensive, since is not even slightly offensive.  All that being said, you have said to me some things to me that are unacceptable to me, particularly about my being disrespectful of women.  You picked at my scab for two days before I finally stopped taking it.  Whatever gave you the impetus to say those things, the fact remains that you meant them.  In my mind, I have been perfectly courteous to you, even with you insulting me.  But I'm done.  Continue now at your own risk.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

sheena: Hmmm. I think you'll need to come in for a personal consultation!


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Hahaha I like Mistys comment. I thought the  size was determined from the end of the palm to the end of the middle finger. Could you get your tape measurer out Christoph just for our records.

Also I like what lamatador said quote, "Also it doesn't matter how long the pole is,,,its how chubby the poker is!" Oooo too right too right


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

BP, I would mind actually. LOL But when a woman falls in love she never minds a thing. But I give them names behind my back depending on the size, Owen Mini and Big Horse is an example. Mean Gurl! LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

BlondPoet: Well, Mr. Know-It-All really doesn't know much. Actually, looking at my palm to end of middle finger looks about right. Wait...where's my ruler...hmm...nope. It's about a half-inch off, unless I'm bigger than I thought. Yea. That's it. I'm bigger than I thought!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sheena: I think behind my back you would call me Mr. Do-It-All!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

**MM enters in a huffy whirlwind of indignance**

"Here she comes to save the day..." Well, not save, exactly, but certainly to add her two cents' worth to the Christoph Reilly Defense Fund.

Writer Rider, I'm coming in late to this discussion. But in all honesty I can't see what you're objecting to. CR is the LAST hubber anyone could accus of disrespecting women. He ADORES women -- and I don't mean in an objectifying way. He appreciates us in the most kind, deferential and supportive way possible.

Truly, I entreat you to reread what he actually wrote, then recheck your reaction. I know what it's like to misinterpret someone's intent. Especially if you don't know the person well. But please take our (collective) word for it. CR is a peach of a gentleman with sugar and sprinkles on top! MM


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

CR, adores me for example. Be careful Writer because the man you are accusing of disrespecting women has a cult. And most of the members are women.


blondepoet profile image

blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

Here here MM you summed that up beautifully.

Also Christoph boy that sounds impressive LMAO

Love your pet names Sheena hahaha.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Christoph: I thought you were insulting my work, plain and simple. Sorry that I offended you and you're right, I need to quit after you apologized. My mistake for taken it the wrong way. Do you accept my apology? For the record I've always admired your work and should have asked what you meant before hand before jumping to conclusions.


goldentoad profile image

goldentoad 7 years ago from Free and running....

and I'm not a woman, but I find it difficult to continue my resistance to his cult


Writer Rider 7 years ago

In my opinion, it's not so much the size that counts as how you use it. You could be well hung but if you make love like a robot, then your not that great a lover. Dancing is a guys best friend.


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Cultish multish-I really don't care. If the pope insulted me I'd act out.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

MM: Here she comes...to save the daaaaaaaayy! Thanks M.M. If you had gotten here sooner all this could have been avoided. I blame you. Ha! Just kidding. You're the best! Thanks!

Sheena: What you say is true. I most emphatically deny the existence of a cult!

BP: You brighten a room whenever you enter it.

Writer Rider: Of course I accept your apology. I would never insult your or anybody elses work. I am not here to correct or judge people. I simply want a place to publish my writing, and I appreciate your compliment.

GoldenToad: I secretly have a crush on Goldentoad.

Thanks to everybody. Ok. Move along now. Nothing to see here. Show's over. Go home people. Nothing to see. The police have everything under control. Y'all go on now, ya hear?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States

Ok, here I am. Where's the party? Where'd everybody go?


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Bummer! Just as I was getting excited and comfortable all together, you shoo me. :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Tom: It's been happenin all day!

Sheena: You're not really shooed. You know that.


LAmatadora 7 years ago

I am here...faded and elated off of Patron so where's the party??? HAPPY CINCo DE MAYO....Arrrrrriiiiiibbbbbbaaaaa!!!! ay ay ay ya


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

I know, I know! heheheh. I like LAmatadora! I can hear th sound of RRRRRRRRRRR in your Ariba!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Yo CR!

Think you can help volunteer some folks to my forum of the Jerry Springer show for the fun of it! I know everyone must be tired of boiling their asses over nothing.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

LAmatadora: I loooove Cinqo de Mayo! Pass the Patron! Aribe, aribe!

shennearrrrrrrobins!

Mayhmong: Sure May. Hey, listen up, people! I volunteer all of you folks to Mays jerry Springer forum! Woot!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

I need some bodyguards, gay guys, girlfriends, volunteers in the audience, you name it!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Where the hell is everybody?!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

I was off working, may.


hairy A.S.S. 7 years ago

Geez Christoph trust you to go spoiling all the fun. I just pulled up a chair with the chips and coke? and getting ready for the stouch.

Just to stir the pot a bit. What would Mr.knowitall recommend for someone who may just have got out of bed on the wrong day, er.....sorry, side. ?

btw, I thought your new best friend Ride a Writer was a tad churlish towards Gwendymom.

(mate do what you please with this comment it's all yours.


C. C. Riter 7 years ago

What a hawg of a hub. 300+ comments! takes forever to load. haha Dr. Know is pretty hawt!


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

then, I have to be here to see how it's all going. How is it?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

hairy A.S.S.: The time difference between us yesterday was the culprit, for this went on all day, starting in the morn. Ya shoulda been here, Ag....er....Hairy. I'm still not sure what was the germination of the problem.

For getting on the wrong side of the bed, have a nice, spicey Bloody Mary or Chelada. Then it becomes the right side of the bed.

C.C. Yeah. Hubpages is all confused. The score has dropped 10 points. It will catch up today, I think, and shoot back up even higher.

Sheena: Good Morning! It's going fine, Sheena. How goes it with you!


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

I am off for tonight... It's home time for me... be back tomorrow.

love yah, CR! Good night!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Good night, Sheena.


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

Came in for another peek. Wow, I missed all of the excitement. Well, actually the hub and the first part of the comments were exciting, what I missed was all of the commotion. But alas it has ended. And now I have forgotten my question. Der uhhh. Hmmm.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Well, if you think of it come on back!


kbdunn profile image

kbdunn 7 years ago from Seattle, WA

Read it over and over. Hilarious :)


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

Why do I like this hub very much? I just can't get enough. It's like watching a commedy movie and then just when you thought its about to say "The End," here comes the most exciting part and you call it "comments." Lovely, I am just impress how this hub made us all ONE. For you CR, a thousand times over!


LAmatadora 7 years ago

hell yeah this is too good to miss!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

kbdunn: Thank you very much, for coming by and your astute comment. It is appreciated!

Sheena: My, my, what a sweet thing to say. It is you, of course, that brightens up HubPages with your lovely presence. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. You are truly an inspitation!

LAmatadora: Thank you. I appreciate your comment!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Thanks Mighty Mom. I appreciate your objective, kind response and yes I misread the comments. I'll take your word on Christoph.

Thanks Christoph for being a gentleman!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

2c's: Still a little crass man, though no more crass than what a lot of dudes tend to say. Sorry for coming down hard on you.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Kumbaya, everybody!

So it's now May 6th (still, where I live), the day AFTER Cinco de Mayo. What playground is everybody hanging on tonight -- NOT throwing sand, or margarita salt, I hope!

WR -- I am honored you reread and reconsidered. This kind of mediation is usually Countrywomen's job, but I haven't seen her around these parts.

Peace, out!


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Well, I don't know. Countrywomen insulted me when I didn't say anything to or about her, but whatever. Water under the bridge. Peace out.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Writer. No problem. I deleted your comment to 2C's. You should take that up with him. He won't be back here to see it. Thanks.

MM: Thank you for everything. You filled in for Country Women with exceptional style, wisdom, and skill. Thank you for that!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Now wait a minute, Writer Rider. Did I read correctly? You feel that Countrywomen insulted you? Once again, I feel compelled to enlighten (if not correct you). That surprises me even more than CR insulting you.

If you follow in CW's footsteps around HP you will see that she is kind and sweet and positive. I cannot think of a single negative (or even neutral) comment she has ever made. She seems to live to make others feel good, with no ego of her own. I find it very difficult, indeed, to believe thse CWwould insult you when you didn't say anything "to or about her" as you say.

What I find quite amazing is that there are a number of pretty hard-core hubbers here. They don't mince words and they don't really care about hurting people's feelings. They call it like they see it. But Christoph Reilly and Countrywomen are NOT like that. Not a bit.

Again I say, peace out. And I hope you will focus on the positives here on HP. There are many!!


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Well I reckon fair suck of the sauce bottle , just hold on there one minute, back up the truck. Which ever way you wanna say it.

Chris I gotta say this mate. I agree with what MM says to the nth degree , about countrywomen and yourself.

I have checked the comments above, and I cannot even see a comment from countrwomen on this Hub.

So methinks that perhaps, her on her high horse, should reconsider her last statement. Sorry to carry this on ,but I do not think it fair to see countrywomen's reputation sullied like that.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

What's this? I guess you left the Countrywoman remark while I was answering your previous comment. Gawd, why can't you just leave well enough alone? I can't imagine Countrywoman did anything to you. Possibly you have imagined it. I know well how that works. Countrywomen is well respected here. She is known by all for her selfless caring. I seriously have to question your statement.

And why bring it up here? MM merely mentioned her name and you pounced on the opportunity to bad mouth her. She happens to be a good friend of mine (I think she is good friends with everybody). Again, if you have a problem with her please bring it to her attention - to her face. Not here on my hub behind her back, when she has nothing to do with this. I already had to delete your comment to 2C's - you managed to insult him even as you apologised.

You've been around here for a while and should know better than to go around bad mouthing writers behind their backs.

Hi Ag: Couldn't agree more. I'm sure Countrywomen would be as baffled as I was.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

So back to the topic at hand. I'm here to speak with Mr. Know it All. How do you know when you should purchase a trapeze, and once you do, where exactly do you put it? Thanks, I'll take my comment off the air. (clears throat, hangs up phone, giggles with excitement)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Frieda: Thanks for calling into the show today. That's a good question. Where you hang the trapese is dependant on your trapese experience and skill level. A beginner should hang it directly above the bed. The bed can then serve as a safty device for when you're hanging upside down and singing the Singing Nun song. If your last name is Wallenda, you can hang the trapese out in the back yard on top of a telephone pole. I hope that helps...and thanks for calling.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Gosh, just when I thought peace had been restored we now have to defend poor Countrywoman too. Just for the record, in my own experience Countrywoman is probably the kindest and gentlest soul here on hubpages, and I for one am proud to call her my friend.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Misty: Agreed.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Now, about that trapeze question....???


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

M.M. You would definitely qualify on the "Wallenda" level. If you don't have telephone poles in the back yard, the electricity poles will do.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

**Pam enters in a huffy whirlwind of indignance** (borrowed from MM)

I'll have no more of this horrible drivel in or around this brilliant and hysterical hub any longer! Do as the wise ones suggest and take supposed insults straight to the people involved and allow Mr. Know-it-all to help us with our sex problems.

Now, Mr. Know-it-all, I have an urgent problem. My lover and I are having a heated argument over whether or not it's appropriate to use salad tongs and a basting brush in the bedroom. I think they make handy tools in the kitchen or the bedroom. It's not like I want to use a meat thermometer on him or anything. What do you think?

Thanks in advance!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Dear Ms. Roberson: As one of my best clients, I am only happy to jump right on you and answer your question immediately. I feel sad for your lover. Everyone knows a basting brush in the bedroom can be utilized in a wide variety of applications, whether spreading scented, edible oils or simpy as a tickler. Likewise, salad tongs are excellent for handling sausages. Personally, I adored the things you did with these two utensils. They were like magic in your capable hands. (And just between you and me, the meat thermometer wasn't THAT bad. And 99.9 degrees! Woo, that's HOT! You could have stuck a fork in me, because I was WELL DONE!)

As for what to do with your reticent (frightened) and cautious (chicken shit) lover, please refer the the section above...Faking Orgasms.

Thank you.


Pam Roberson profile image

Pam Roberson 7 years ago from Virginia

I can't thank you enough for jumping right on me and giving such insightful and experienced advice (along with a very spirited willingness to allow me to experiment on you). You're marvelous, and I'll recommend you to all my friends! Oh, and I'll call you the next time I bake a ham! Pineapple rings make for an interesting game. :D

(I have to tell you that I'm rolling with laughter over your comment! Hysterical!)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ms. Roberson: I am very much looking forward to the pineapple ring game. And that thing you once suggested with the salt water taffy and a circus pony sounds like lots of fun too.

(It's you who are funny. When you first said "meat thermometer" I lauged out loud!)


Whitney05 profile image

Whitney05 7 years ago from Georgia

Great laugh... Definitely meant to read read this sooner but I log in before I click it. Today I tabbed over and did both. Glad I finally got to read the real answers.. :-p


Writer Rider 7 years ago

Countrywomen did say something mean but that, I believe, was in response to something I said on BardofEly's hub about a certain group of islands in the pacific potentially being the ancestors of Indians. Maybe she assumed (falsely) that I was suggesting that Indians are uncivilized...on the contrary. We are all related and the more advanced a country, in my opinon, the younger the civilzation is. According to liguistics there's a pattern that proves this...that the Indian language is related to all European languages except Finish. And if you notice, the further West of China you get, the more cursive and away from a logogram language you get. We are all related.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Whitney: My gosh, how nice to see you. Glad you read it and took the time to leave a comment. Thanks!

Writer: That's all fine and good, but maybe you should explain it to her.


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Ignoring she who must get in the last word. Mr no to all , as your reluctant back room advisor. ( you being the reluctant one ) I would suggest an am end um to your reply to the baster consultation with that hawt Pam. She might like to try a feather duster. I find that works. I mean I've heard anectdotely that it works VERY well.

I will leave my invoice at the Hubpage front orifice.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Ag: Yes, that is a good idea. I'll pass it on to Ms. Roberson. I should add it should be a new, unused feather duster. If you have enough feather dusters, she could do a "fan dance."

Yes, please leave your invoice at the office. I pay in condoms.


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

How can I add anything to this discussion it has taken nearly an hour to read all the comments which were ALMOST as funny as your hub. I especially liked the bit about going behind ones back...or did I read it out of context. Good laugh, Thanks Mr Reilly!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gypsy Willow: Thanks so much. Glad you came by and took the time to leave a comment. Did you say you read the comments? Wow. There have been some interesting happenings on this hub. Thanks again!


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

Mr. Know-It-All, I am in desperate need. Exactly what is the aunt Jemima treatment. I have a new spatula and need to figure this out quickly! Thank you in advance from a frustrated chef. :O


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

PS I never did see you record your shoe size, or did you????


agvulpes profile image

agvulpes 7 years ago from Australia

Now would that be American Condoms or Aussie Condoms.

You must take into account that the American condom is only worth three quarters of one Aussie Condom at the moment. Or did I get that backwards so to speak ?


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

As I hear tell from the ladies, the worth is in the girth :O


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Paper Moon:  The term "Aunt Jamima treatment" comes from the Bill Murray movie, Stripes.  In the movie, the girl he likes (an M.P.) sits on the counter top.  Murray removes a spatula from the drawer and proceed to slide it under her bottom and various nether regions, all the time saying, "Aunt Jamima treatment, Aunt Jamima treatment."  Now, being a progressive society, it has envolved.  It actually involves one party sitting in a giant, hot iron skillet while the other powders her with pancake mix and syrup, and then trying to actually flip him or her with a large spatula.  Thank you for your question.

Gypsy:  My, my, aren't you the nosey one.  Mr. Know-It-All considers that info a bit too personal to disclose (however, he wears 14 1/2 double wide shoes.)  Why?  Does that mean something?

Ag:  American, of course.  Don't you Aussies just use sheep intestines - something like a sausage casing?


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

Hmmm, sausage casing? What did happen to cindyvine's sausage anyways? Never mind, I may not want to know!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Paper Moon: Probably not. I'm pretty sure somebody ate it.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

Dear Mr. Know it All:

My relationship suffers from a lack of creativity. I have already tried all the obvious things that most couples do, like gerbil stuffing, toasters, blenders, gravel insertion, and, most recently, bringing in pinecones and peanutbutter. With all of these standard tricks exhausted, I've suggested less conventional things, but, she's just not into it (barbed wire and hot sauce was a total miss, and, wow, whoever wrote that article on the joys of battery acid as lubricant needs to rethink that seriously).

I read several sex therapy books and took a two week Tantric seminar from the Pygmy master in Botswana and can now boast endurance reaching into the high fours and even as much as five minutes per encounter, so she clearly has no reason to blame me. I'm really at a loss, please advise.

Thanks in advance,

I. T. Smalle


hairy A.S.S. 7 years ago

Strewth did someone ear mention sausage casings........hmmmm what . Oh I can't say that Ag. Someone might complain. oh ok.

But wouldn't that be sexual disk crim in nation. ?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Mr. Shadesbreath: it comes as no surprise that your significant other cannot stay focused, since 4 or 5 minutes is an extremely long time to engage in sex, as any man will tell you. I think your partner suffers from ADD (Attention Dick Disorder.) But hey, they make a pill for that. Try slipping some Ritalin in her pre-sex cocktail. That should help her stay focused.

Ag: As the undisputed monitor of this hub, you have my permission to speak your piece.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

I'll try that and get back to you. Thanks, Mr. Know it All.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

WOW!! This is a very bold hub. I must say your "warm up" routine really had me smiling. Regarding "false" satisfactions the movie where Meg Ryan fakes in a restaurent came to my mind. Thumbs up.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

I.T. Small:  Thanks.  I'd like to include you in my New England Journal of Medicine paper.

Countrywomen:  Thank you, stranger!  So nice to see you!  Ahhh. I feel better!

 


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

Christoph- I have been reading lesser hubs and just getting on/off the forums. I know I know that I have been a slacker and need to pull up my socks. I miss you all a lot (nowadays I got to cook for the two of us and more ever now a new set of friends has left me with lesser personal time).

PS: I am trying to catchup with all my favorite friends (hopefully over this weekend). :D


hairy A.S.S. 7 years ago

countrywomen don't forget that strangers are just friends you haven't met yet. G'day mate , ;-[)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Countrywomen: I know..You must go where you are needed the most amongst the wilds of HubPages. It is your calling...your destiny. I appreciate your time in coming by to say hello to me. Thanks!

Ag: In countrywomen's case...for sure!


muley84 profile image

muley84 7 years ago from Miami,FL

Hi Christoph, you are a very funny fellow. I think I'll take notes.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

muley84: Thanks much for the comment! Nice to meet you!


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

I am being "wild" is it. I guess I transformed from mild to wild..LOL


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

CW: Ha, ha! Married life has turned you into a wild woman! Ha! I don't think so. You're still the same sweet Countrywomen!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Is it me, or does the visual of Countrywoman cooking and socializing less so she can "pull up her socks" seem out of place on a hub of sex questions? Or maybe, like "gerbilling" or "Aunt Jemima-ing" this reference to sock-pulling has some bedroom meaning I am ignorant of? Please advise.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

MM- Now I wasn't talking in a double entendre (and have to search for the Aunt Jemima and not make my ignorance official)..hehe. PS: I will visit your hub too. I have bookmarked all the hubs of my favorite authors whom I would like to visit and the sock-pulling was mentioned in that context. :D

Christoph- I guess I have become more vocal and have lesser qualms about speaking my mind these days (and my husband prefers me to be frank too). :-)


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Hey dear CW! Why don't you pull on your big girl panties (one of my fave expressions) and write us a hub about this wild married life you are living! What do you cook? Who are these new social friends? I am serious. It is not often that one of "us" gets married and has the opportunity to write about the experience:-). hehe. MM


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

MM: I'm assuming you are aware the usage of this term "pull up my socks" to indicate getting to work on something, much as we use the term of putting one's nose to the grindstone. You are right, however, to flag this term and is possible bedroom meaning. I hypothisize that that Cw's husband like her to wear two-toned saddle shoes, bobbi sox and dress like a cheerleader. He then like to see her "pull up her socks," as this neccessitates her bending over in front of him. This is, I'm sure, as far as they take this activity, what with her being so prim and proper.

Now, when she wrote, "I have been...getting on/off the forums," I'm sorry she didn't write, "I have been...getting off/on the forums." Then I would really have something to comment on!

Thank you, as always, for your astute question.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

CW: Well, your husband my want you to be "Frank," but I prefer you as countrywomen. As the kids say, "Homey don't play that!"

I agree with MM's saying you should write on these matters of interest.


Gypsy Willow profile image

Gypsy Willow 7 years ago from Lake Tahoe Nevada USA , Wales UK and Taupo New Zealand

Have you read my knitting hub? I shall commence to knit you a pair of tube socks in very hairy yarn.I think Americans prefer that kind. XXL is that correct?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gypsy: I don't personally, and I don't know anyone who does, but I could be mistaken. You're not talking about that yarn that's actually made from cat hair, are you?


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Gypsy: um...no thanks. Mr. Know-It-All respectfully declines. He prefers his...that kind of hair...where it belongs, and not on his feet and climbing up his legs.


countrywomen profile image

countrywomen 7 years ago from Washington, USA

MM/Christoph- You guys really are putting so many words in my mouth (which I didn't even imagine) and now making me too shy to even reply. Anyway earlier my life was revolving around very few friends but after marriage my husband's extended circle of friends/colleagues tend to take up a lot of time. Either we are invited for parties/get together/dinners or we end up inviting and coming to writing a hub then let me see what all I can come up without mentioning too much about our private lives in a public arena....hehe.


hubber-2009 profile image

hubber-2009 7 years ago from India

I wonder why Google Adsense is missing in this page? anything wrong?


lindagoffigan profile image

lindagoffigan 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I am a little concerned about the swiss mouse pairing with the swiss cheese. Does the ties that bind has to be the same in the experiment for accuracy.

Fun hub as always.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

OK Countrywomen: I'll take it easy on ya. Mighty Mom made me do it, and while I can promise I won't tease you anymore, I can't make any such promises on behalf of Mighty Mom.

Hubber 2009: No. Nothing is wrong. In fact, Adsense is so enthralled with me and this hub, that they are simply waiting for the exact moment to spring a new, worldwide adsense campaign featuring this hub! Isn't that exciting? Thank you for your concern though. Look for their new program which they are calling, Mr. Know-It-All-Knows-Adsense!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Dear Ms. Lindagoffigan: That was exactly the thinking of the scientists involved in the experiment. If you have a better way of insuring impartiality, I'm sure they would like to hear it. You can tell me and I'll tell them.

I does not escape my notice that you are an attractive woman. I'm sure your lovers share my enthusiasm, and are accustomed to getting on again and getting goffigin. Thanks for the comment!

(Note: The editor of this hub wishes to apologise for the previous comment.)


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Wow CW, so gr8 to see you here. Please stick around, we have missed you loads :)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

What she said!


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 7 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

So good to see you CW, don't forget us, we luv you :)


Candie V profile image

Candie V 7 years ago from Whereever there's wolves!! And Bikers!! Cummon Flash, We need an adventure!

As Dr. Ruth once said "Some men lean to the left, some men lean to the right, and Dr. Ruth says it's ok." Dr. Ruth didn't say it was great, or wonderful, or that's what you want to own.. just ok. thanks for making me laugh!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Candie V: Thanks for tuning in. Glad I was able to make you laugh. A appreciate your comment!


jayb23 profile image

jayb23 7 years ago from India

Hhahahhaa...i couldn't stop laughing. It was pleasure reading your hub as well as the comments. Cheers


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Jayb: Thhanks for coming by. Glad you found it enjoyable. Thanks for the comment!


Sailaway profile image

Sailaway 7 years ago from Australia

Oh yes! haha, i joined today, and was immediately recommended to come and read your work. I think I might play a few games in B grade before I can step up to this quality. So to complete my education...are you suggesting the "g"spot is somewhere in the nevada desert? If the hubble scope cant find that baby, it must be a Government conspiracy!!!!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Sailaway: That is exactly the point. Nobody knows where it (the g-spot) is. Discoverers have searched throughout the ages. You raise an interesting point however; perhaps the government knows where it is but is "covering it up." Why would the government do this? Simple, there would be mass hysteria and rampant pleasurable activities. It would be difficult to get anyone to go to work, and that can be disastrous for a society.

Thanks for coming by. Welcome to HubPages! Who recommended you read my work? Anyway, I appreciate it. Good luck!


Iphigenia 7 years ago

Well how's about this for mutual admiration - you loved my ghost story I love your serious and sage explanations of embarrassing sexual issues.

It's quite obvious that all of the other commentators have not takien this seriously - I can't actually see what they find funny.

I may call upon your expertise when I write up my research for my upcoming 100 sexual positions hubs as promised in my current hub "1oo Hundred Sexual Positions in 30 Days" which started as a simple antidote to the HubChallenge but which has taken on a life of it's own.

:)


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis Author

Iphie: I have been spying your "100 Sexual Positions" hub out of the corner of my eye for days now. Was going to go see it but didn't want to scare you with my following you around! Ha! I should love to offer any advice - or rather, Dr. Know-It-All I'm sure would love to help - so just say the word. Thanks for reading this, by the way!


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

"This is odd considering you have only had two experiences" As many as that eh? Wow! You are my Hero!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

DeGreek: Obviously, I was referring to the asker of the question which may have been you for all I know, not to myself which would be so absurd that it would fit in a Beckett play. You seem to have had a case of "life transposition," wherein a person - out of embarrassment - substitutes another's life for their own.

Thanks for the comment. Admitting your shortcoming is the first step in getting help.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Ah, but you wrong me CR! I could not tell a lie, so it could not have been I who placed the question, because I am a virgin.

Yes, to my shame no woman will even consider having sex with me, because they all say the same thing:

"You, you poor fish, have no chance because you do not look like that God like male specimen Christoph Reilly".

And so, I wander the world a broken and horny man praying for some miracle which will change me into even a slight semblance of You.

So I repeat: YOU ARE MY HERO!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

I appreciate your saying that, but no woman would ever cite my name I am sure. Secondly, regarding your claim that you are a virgin, I have heard different, and no man would get and keep a wife who looks like yours by remaining a virgin.


De Greek profile image

De Greek 6 years ago from UK

Oh you are too clever for me.. I give up :-)))


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Yeah, sure you do. I gave up first. (Not trying to say cause I won, but because I can't win.)


Twilight Lawns profile image

Twilight Lawns 6 years ago from Norbury-sur-Mer, Surrey, England. U.K.

I've just realised where I was going wrong. I took so many side roads and dead ends; I followed the Primrose Path till it was strewn with plastic flowers; I trod the Road to Perdition (well, actually, I borrowed my little sister's bike, and pedalled along it) till it became the Yellow Brick Road; I even played Doctors and Nurses with Big Bad Brenda at the back of Safeway. I should have come to you first. I can see clearly now, (Sings): Tra-la-la!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 6 years ago from St. Louis Author

Twilight Lawns: You're slumming it among my trashier hubs. Actually, I hadn't seen this for almost 2 years. It's kind of funny...in a crass kind of way. Thanks for reading it though. You're a pal.


wwolfs 4 years ago

I don't know how I ended up on this hub, but it's really funny!

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working