Nicomp Fan Fiction

This really STINKS

Published for weeks, now un-featured.  STINKS. STINKS. STINKS.
Published for weeks, now un-featured. STINKS. STINKS. STINKS.
Meow
Meow | Source

Fear and Loathing in Cyberspace

Nicomp jostled restlessly as his iPhone 7 screeched itself awake. Somewhere in the subdivision a garbage truck screeched back as it consumed mass quantities of un-recyclables. Birds warbled dreamily throughout bristlecone pines dotting well-manicured backyards. Lawn mowers puttered to life as documented aliens plied their trades. It would be a wonderful day.

Can't we all?
Can't we all?

The Story Arc Expands

Downstairs nicomp trudged. His Egyptian cotton robe cinched flatteringly at the waist, he configured his Keurig K45 Elite Brewing System. Good Morning America informed him with a casually serious hipster summary of today's news: somewhere in America a Mother had recorded something moderately questionable relative to her child. Thankfully, the video went viral and GMA hosts presented modestly controversial opinions to each other. Then they bantered over the weather. The day continued to be good.

Nicomp sipped his java and wrote some Java code on his Panasonic Toughbook 53. He deeply appreciated the 32GB of RAM and 3.2Mhz quad-code processor as he touch-typed his latest mobile app. With a smooth flick of his right index finger he uploaded the program to his Google Store. The world could thank him later.

Source

Nicomp Dons Clothing

After breakfast and kitchen cleanup, nicomp programmed his Sony DVR to record Dr. Who on BBC America through his Apple TV. Upstairs he strode to dress himself for one more escapade in the real world. He studied his closet for 42 milliseconds, selected a carefully rumpled pair of Buck Mason olive chino pants, and put them on one leg at a time. His upper torso he artfully obscured with a Buck Mason cool cotton shirt. His socks and shoes shall remain unnamed but rest assured he did not venture outside barefooted.

The Plot Thickens, But Remains Palatable.

A new day beckoned. Through his garage nicomp trod, purposefully intent upon selecting an appropriate Tesla with which to navigate his appointed rounds. He settled into one of the the black ones. The vehicle hummed to life, but the garage door remained closed. It was not supposed to remain closed. No amount of remote control manipulation resulted in any semblance of elevation.

Reluctantly but not quite bitterly nicomp exited his third-favorite Tesla. He exited the garage through an opening sufficient for his lithe frame but woefully small for any of the vehicles. Finding himself outside with no ocular UV protection, he briefly returned to the garage and grabbed a pair of Oakley Flak 2.0 XL shades. He went back outside.

The Autonomous Vehicle Arrives

At that moment, a flatbed trailer arrived. It was attached to the back of a truck. On the top of it sat a shiny new self-driving vehicle. Nicomp subtly observed the envious stares of his neighbors as skilled technicians unloaded a shiny new Mercedes that none of them would ever own. He experienced a brief pang of regret over the shade of AMG Solarbeam Yellow but quickly dismissed his misgiving.

After signing a few hundred pages of legal disclaimers, nicomp found himself nestled in fine Corinthian leather. He stared knowingly at the digital dashboard. He stared unknowingly at the user's manual before ceremoniously dropping it into the back seat. There was no time for figuring stuff out. Nicomp was late for his elliptical workout.

Not necessarily the elliptical trainer upon which nicomp fictionally worked out.
Not necessarily the elliptical trainer upon which nicomp fictionally worked out. | Source

The Elliptical Workout Proceeds

Nicomp punched in coordinates for the closest fitness club to which he belonged. His robot car beeped approvingly and set off shortly thereafter. With no driving responsibilities, nicomp occupied his travel time with ESPN highlights. He chuckled softly as highly paid athletes performed for his entertainment. If only they knew.

Arriving at the fitness club, nicomp watched his car efficiently park itself adjacent to a 1982 Chevette and a Ducatti Panigale R. He mentally noted to himself that the parking algorithms were not as self-aware as Bosh software engineers might have imagined. This would not impact his workout in any way.

After 1 hour and 1000 calories, nicomp walked lithely back to his car, which was now bracketed by a Trek 5000 carbon fiber racing bicycle with upgraded Dura Ace components and a greasy oil stain on the asphalt. He allowed the engine to gun itself and drive him to one of his homes. At that home he built himself a Quinoa smoothie, then he took a nap.

Chapter 2 should be

  • nicomp goes to Chipotle
  • nicomp gets a pedicure
  • forever forgotten
See results without voting

Here is a fitness club in Istanbul, Turkey. Hopefully it will enhance your enjoyment of this fan fiction. Atalar, Caroline Fitness Club

Rate this Fan Fiction because you know you want to

5 stars for overall fiction-ness

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Comments 18 comments

Jodah profile image

Jodah 13 months ago from Queensland Australia

An interesting and well written story. That nicomp dude, certainly has his life together.


Jodah profile image

Jodah 13 months ago from Queensland Australia

An interesting and well written story. That nicomp dude, certainly has his life together.


drbj profile image

drbj 13 months ago from south Florida

If the fan fiction I have read to date, Nicomp, were as funny as this, I would be a fan fiction fan. Amazing that you have your choice of not one, not two, but three Tesla marvels of engineering. And who do you know that you were able to obtain an iPhone 7?

Inquiring sentient minds want to know.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Jodah, I thought so too! Thank you for delving.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@drbj -- It's fiction! In the next episode nicomp interviews his Sunbeam 4-slice toaster.


Eldon Arsenaux profile image

Eldon Arsenaux 13 months ago from Cooley, Texas

Howdy Nicomp, I dug the Hub!

Perhaps, in the next installment, during Nicomp's nap, the autonomous vehicle runs rampant, taking a trip to the Eco-Motor Exhibit in Las Vegas to find it's one true Tesla love.

Along the way it plows into a grandmother, sprinkling stones atop her drought-resistant garden.

The reader soon discovers that she was considering complying with the state-sponsored Aid to End Life Pill Program, anyways.

Irregardless of this fact, the courts find Nicomp guilty, since he signed the legal waivers, and so on...

...Or, Nicomp gets a pedicure from an ex-Torturer.

-E.G.A.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Eldon Arsenaux -- Thanks for the story lines! A little dark for me, but I think I can fold in the open-loop Tesla.


Eldon Arsenaux profile image

Eldon Arsenaux 13 months ago from Cooley, Texas

No problemo compadre! Look forward to reading whatever follows.

-E.G.A.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 13 months ago from San Diego California

Trickle down has worked well for nicomp. The ugly oil stain was the fingerprint left behind by my 2003 Honda Civic after it was unceremoniously towed from the parking lot of nicomp's gym. Voted up wrinkled olive chino pants.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Mel Carriere It was not towed, I pushed it onto the adjoining McDonald's Parking lot.


Mel Carriere profile image

Mel Carriere 13 months ago from San Diego California

Where it belongs, with the vehicles of the other peasants, safely out of sight from nicomp's delicate vision.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@Mel Carriere My vision is calloused and jaundiced. And I drove a CR-V for 15 years so your Civic has a place in my heart.


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 13 months ago from Stillwater, OK

This life could not be further from my own, yet I bask in the simplicity of it. Nice creation, and May the Forces be with you...


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@aviannovice : I should have put a bird on it.

Hey! There is a bird on it!


calculus-geometry profile image

calculus-geometry 13 months ago from Germany

Your comedic talents are underappreciated on HP.


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@calculus-geometry Thank you for your kind words.

Are you related to Calculus Entropy ?


tmbridgeland profile image

tmbridgeland 13 months ago from Small Town, Illinois

Well, I enjoyed the story. Probably all those links...!


nicomp profile image

nicomp 13 months ago from Ohio, USA Author

@tmbridgeland : There's one link!

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