Ode to the People of Walmart
Ode to the People of Walmart
O ye great unwashed multitude
O wave of humanity waiting en masse at the door to be first to enter the holy gates of deep discount heaven
O ye of mullet hair design,… of low riders …of that 'lost deer in the headlights' look
We herald you, oh inbreeding cousins looking for engagement rings at the jewelry counter
We share your struggles, valiant seekers of customer service, as you look in vain forever
From trailer parks far and wide you come to roll back the prices…
Roll! roll back the prices.. roll back until closing time.. roll back forever the great rock of savings!
There is glory in Quakers Oats selling at 30% off.. not just for Quakers, but for ALL who believe.. believe in stretching a dollar… stretching like the size 4 latex on the size 15 lady in aisle five.
She strides gracefully, five offspring in one shopping cart, two more in the oven.
Like the great trek of yesteryear across the Western plains, they seek a better future, and a deal on family-size Ruffles potato chips
Cracks to the left of them! Cracks to the front of them! A pant belt or suspenders nowhere to be found.
In the distance, a leopard print lady springs from the kitchen appliances section, and grabs the last fondue set.
In the distance, a cougar, walking with a lisp, urgently looks for yeast infection help.
In the distance, a henpecked husband pushes a cart…not an Alpha male, not Beta, not Gamma, not Delta... but somewhere far down the chain of Greek letters… he curses life and all those around him
In the distance, the hygiene products.. the toothpaste, the body wash, the deodorant.. all stand alone and all but forgotten.
The line stretches forever for those with 10 items or less
But they are not deterred, they march on.. too close to the finish to give up.. the end is in sight, the morning's journey almost done.
And when their struggle is over, the rewards are plentiful.
A super-sized meal with a super-sized thank you.. thank you Mr. Sam Walton, may Hell be merciful on your soul and not be too warm.
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