Ode to the People of Walmart

Ode to the People of Walmart


O ye great unwashed multitude

O wave of humanity waiting en masse at the door to be first to enter the holy gates of deep discount heaven

O ye of mullet hair design,… of low riders …of that 'lost deer in the headlights' look

We herald you, oh inbreeding cousins looking for engagement rings at the jewelry counter

We share your struggles, valiant seekers of customer service, as you look in vain forever



From trailer parks far and wide you come to roll back the prices…

Roll! roll back the prices.. roll back until closing time.. roll back forever the great rock of savings!

There is glory in Quakers Oats selling at 30% off.. not just for Quakers, but for ALL who believe.. believe in stretching a dollar… stretching like the size 4 latex on the size 15 lady in aisle five.

She strides gracefully, five offspring in one shopping cart, two more in the oven.

Like the great trek of yesteryear across the Western plains, they seek a better future, and a deal on family-size Ruffles potato chips

Cracks to the left of them! Cracks to the front of them! A pant belt or suspenders nowhere to be found.



In the distance, a leopard print lady springs from the kitchen appliances section, and grabs the last fondue set.

In the distance, a cougar, walking with a lisp, urgently looks for yeast infection help.

In the distance, a henpecked husband pushes a cart…not an Alpha male, not Beta, not Gamma, not Delta... but somewhere far down the chain of Greek letters… he curses life and all those around him

In the distance, the hygiene products.. the toothpaste, the body wash, the deodorant.. all stand alone and all but forgotten.



The line stretches forever for those with 10 items or less

But they are not deterred, they march on.. too close to the finish to give up.. the end is in sight, the morning's journey almost done.

And when their struggle is over, the rewards are plentiful.

A super-sized meal with a super-sized thank you.. thank you Mr. Sam Walton, may Hell be merciful on your soul and not be too warm.

Source

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Comments 38 comments

Jo_Goldsmith11 profile image

Jo_Goldsmith11 5 years ago

OMG! I love this! I can't stop laughing! :)) I don't think I will be able to go into Walmart without laughing for quite some time. I don't know if you know the comic Jeff Dunham. He has a puppet named walter. Jeff does a piece about walmart where *walter* says, "Welcome to walmart , now get the hell out". (lol) Really cute one! I voted up! funny, awesome. Shared on facebook and twitter too.


Vinaya Ghimire profile image

Vinaya Ghimire 5 years ago from Nepal

I found this poetry in forum about contest entry. I'm glad that I read this. I loved your amusing style.


Uninvited Writer profile image

Uninvited Writer 5 years ago from Kitchener, Ontario

I love this :)


emichael profile image

emichael 5 years ago from New Orleans

I feel like I just walked through the Walmart in New Orleans East.

I need a shower...


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 5 years ago from Orlando, FL

What a fantastic ode! I consider a trip to Walmart a freak show, one never knows what one will see. I just heard yesterday that in Ohio a Walmart greeter was doing his job and said Hello to a customer and the customer beat him up, supposedly the customer was having a bad day. Such a shame for the greeter.


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 5 years ago from San Francisco

This... this... IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As a People of Walmart fan, this really speaks to me. Brilliantly done, Greek One. My bow is off to you.


Greek One profile image

Greek One 5 years ago Author

Thank you very much... I haven't had a lovely lady (who isn't my wife) take off her bow for my since my bachelor party :)


Keeley Shea profile image

Keeley Shea 5 years ago from Norwich, CT

Brilliant writing....laughing all the way down the aisle with your picturesque words! Thanks for writing!


Ms Chievous profile image

Ms Chievous 5 years ago from Wv

An instant classic! Now come up with a chorus and this could be a good country song! :D


miss_jkim profile image

miss_jkim 5 years ago

This could not describe Wal-Mart any better. Loved it; I think this should be on the home page of peopleofwalmart.com. Bravo!


Ralph Deeds profile image

Ralph Deeds 5 years ago

Great pome, Greek One.


cherylone profile image

cherylone 5 years ago from Connecticut

As the lines flowed I could just picture the people standing in the aisles and looking bored, lost, or just plain out of it. I loved it.


K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 5 years ago from Northern, California

Brilliant!! I love the Walmartian series and this is the perfect tribute to those brazen women, and those party in the back men! A masterpiece to be sure. The "Squidbilly" cartoon comes to mind as I read your work here,...no more perfect comparison available. This must be seen by the world...

Up and all else!

Cheers~

K9


robie2 profile image

robie2 5 years ago from Central New Jersey

Wonderful, clever, and just perfect. Here's a link to the People of Walmart music video from YouTube to go with it

http://youtu.be/YvxNgdFeWqM

LMAO as i vote up, awesome and funny


ThePracticalMommy profile image

ThePracticalMommy 5 years ago from United States

This has completely made my day!! Well done, Greek One! I will be passing this along. I know a few more people who could use a good laugh.

Voted up, awesome and funny!


chanroth profile image

chanroth 5 years ago from California, USA

LOL! Very clever! I vote up and funny!


Maddie Ruud profile image

Maddie Ruud 5 years ago from Oakland, CA

Win. Just... win.


katiem2 5 years ago

funny funny walmart stuff oh the people of walmart :)


Jane@CM profile image

Jane@CM 5 years ago

OMG - this is hilarious - so glad I found it!! Good job Greek!


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

"Oh ye, of mullet hair design..." I love this line. Voted up and funny! I have never been a Walmart shopper. I don't care for the way they treat their employees.


Teddletonmr profile image

Teddletonmr 5 years ago from Midwest USA

How about a round for the good ole boy standing in the ten items or less aisle reading the cover of Redbook, a twelve pack under one arm and a big blue box of feminine hygiene items under the other.

Great take on the people of walmart. The customers are funny also.

+ and shared with my twitter and facebook friends.


tammyswallow profile image

tammyswallow 5 years ago from North Carolina

Hilarious!!!! Love the part about the hygiene products being left untouched. This is so true.


successfulblogger profile image

successfulblogger 5 years ago from Los Angeles,Ca

Voted funny


cardelean profile image

cardelean 5 years ago from Michigan

This was AWESOME. I am sharing this one on FB. I'm quite sure many will get as much of a laugh out of it as I have. Thanks because I REALLY needed the laugh today.


mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Soooo very funny and truly the writing of a genius. We don't have Walmart in the UK, but there is Ildi which is probably much the same from what I hear (we don't have it in the Channel Islands where I live).


barryrutherford profile image

barryrutherford 5 years ago from Queensland Australia

I ticked all the boxes well done !


LeanMan profile image

LeanMan 5 years ago from At the Gemba

Never been to Walmart - not sure if I ever will.. but I am sure I have met several people from your writing in other stores.... lol


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 5 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

This is so touching....that I won't be able to touch myself for a while!


schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 5 years ago from USA

Cute lol


Brenda Holstine profile image

Brenda Holstine 5 years ago from Denton, Texas

Well done. People will probably be wondering what's up with me because I'm going to be giggling to myself for the rest of the day.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 5 years ago from Minnes-O-ta

Love this! Great job;)


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma

You gotta love Wal-Mart. Where else can you get a laugh and a bargain all at the same time?


GusTheRedneck profile image

GusTheRedneck 5 years ago from USA

Hi Greek One - Now we know where to find verbal photography composed with a super-pixeled camera and a digitally humorous brain. And to think that my favorite expression (up until I read this piece) has been, "Beware of Greeks baring..."

Gus :-)))


Phil Plasma profile image

Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

Entertaining, though I haven't stepped in a Walmart in eleven years. The boycott continues.


Dolores Monet profile image

Dolores Monet 5 years ago from East Coast, United States

A perfect reason not to leave the house on Black Friday, though the poem was so funnily beautiful. (The spell check thingy did not underscore the word 'funnily' in red, but I feel that it should have.)


stephhicks68 profile image

stephhicks68 5 years ago from Bend, Oregon

OMG - soooo cracking up! The woman buying size 4 while she has two more in the oven. So funny, because its so true! LOL!


Silva Hayes profile image

Silva Hayes 4 years ago from Spicewood, Texas

Ooooo you have such a sharp and cruel tongue! Hahaha, I am laughing here. I too love the line, 'O ye of mullet design.' I wonder if Mr. Sam Walton realized what his creation would become. I myself continue to boycott Walmart.


Cardisa profile image

Cardisa 4 years ago from Jamaica

I could hardly read the darn thing! The first line choked the hell out of me, I had to be reading through tears and coughing!

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