Poetry, Punctuation, Pronunciation, Popular Songs, Posh Persons, Proletariat. A Plethora of bits of Alliteration.

Dear Mr Lincoln-Palmistry - Poet Laureate (Retired),

I think you appear to be suffering from a modicum of pique. Your last somewhat vitriolic statement regarding the length(s) of my poetry appears to be a somewhat ill-advised assault. Length, as you may, or may not be aware, is relative. Do you agree?

While I agree that less is sometimes greater, this is a fairly new concept, and follows minimalist principles. But to say that my “poems are normally far too long” implies that you have some benchmark. Normal in which sense, may I ask? Do I understand that you are familiar with the term normal and the norm? I imagine so. Or I hope so.

So you are stating that my usual practice is to create poems which are too long… far too long. Is that correct? What criteria are you employing? Can I hasten to point out that you seem to be satisfied with poems which have, almost invariably, the same verse pattern, and that they conform almost always rigidly to verse pattern of:

a b c b or a b a b

and your poems are almost invariably verses of four lines with either four or five verses to the poem. Forgive me if you appear to be bound by a formula, and when you have reached a desired amount of lines, you put down your metaphorical pen, whether your goal has been reached or not.

Without being too unkind (Let us say that unkindness may be quantified and that there are degrees of unkindness), Iambic Pentameter seems to be the curse, or the disease, from which you and many of our Greetings Card Poets suffer. It is a worthy form, I will accept, but used to the exclusion of all other forms of poetry writing, I think that it has its limitation. Lord Byron may have been happy with it, but the writer of that memorable verse: “To a Fluffy Kitten’, as far as I know, wasn’t Lord Byron.

While I love the Petrarchan Sonnet form, and enjoy being confined within those somewhat rigid rules, I am also aware that there are other forms which lend themselves to creative poetry.

And please, if it is within your power to do so, please don’t sneer at blank verse. It has its place, as also does correct punctuation and spelling. Correct punctuation and spelling in poetry are as important in poetry, prose, and the must humble or grandiose forms of written expression.

You might like to read this little extract which I found by typing pedestrian verse into Google. It explains what I am trying to put across. This is the antithesis of what I am saying, but it also has a valid point to make. You may think, Mr Lincoln-Palmistry - Poet Laureate (Retired), that my poems are far too long. Perhaps they are, but your rudeness in many things is so often your undoing. Were I to say that I found your poems too short; too formulaic; too contrived or forced, in their rhyming; you would be incensed. I keep my own counsel in matters of personal writing, poetry, and prose.

Dear Mr Lincoln-Palmistry, (Or as I have heard you referred to whilst at The Lawns),

Dear Jumbled Jack,

I am happy with what I write, and am content to write until I have reached a conclusion in my thoughts; my imagery; my expounding of a particular philosophy. As I said earlier, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”… perhaps it would have been more keeping if I had used the secular analogy, “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones”.

Poetry is a matter of taste and the function of poetry is to entertain, to educate, to promote and to disestablish philosophies, where and if necessary. These are all within the scope of the versifier and the poet. But, as the functions are numerous, there is also the opposite of this, inasmuch as the exponents of poetry have a right to write and promote their poetry and poetic thoughts, no matter how elevated or pedestrian; whereas the denigrators of the art are permitted to read, to enquire, to tear apart as much as they will, but only under the realisation that their opinions are no more valid than the poet himself.

You have no more right to tell me that my poems are too long than I have in telling you that I find your poetry too short; too Christian; too muddled and any other adjective that may come to mind. Have I given you this opinion? No. I have respect for the thoughts and aspirations of others.

Take a look at the following example of what I consider to be one of the most evocative and beautiful and well constructed poems ever written. It is a song written in 1935.

Please note that I have neither made an attempt to punctuate nor to break this into verses or stanzas, as I offer it to you exactly as it appears on the Internet.

Perhaps, Mr Lincoln-Palmistry, when you have a few minutes up your sleeve, you could spend some time punctuating this wonderful piece of writing, and perhaps break it down into verses.

You certainly have need of the experience. Punctuation, if I may be so truthful to point out, Sir, is not your strongest point.

This, as far as I am concerned, is one of the most evocative and beautiful pieces of poetry available to us. It scans well, although being the lyrics of a song; that can be difficult at times. Difficult, because many songs and even classical and operatic arias, create a feeling of beat and rhythm, but mainly, because they can incorporate elongated vowel sounds and trills to give a feeling of a strict rhythmic pattern.

The poem here, is in two main parts: the introductory verse leading into the refrain. It sets the mood by bringing up memories from a past love affair and then itemises events and feeling that I challenge anyone not to take on as their own; to find a deep empathy for the same.

We feel the poignancy of the memories becoming confused and deliciously mixed up with our own. It is a heart-wrenchingly beautiful declaration of sadness, an exquisite rendition of love, colour and desire; but predominantly, evocative memories.

I am here, offering you four versions of the same poem - song - whatever you would wish to call it.

Each has a quality which I find entrancing, from the Billie Holiday version which was recorded in the era for which it was written, through the Bryan Ferry version, with it poignant setting, and classy style, to the Jane Birkin version which, with its somewhat bizarre interpretation which yet, shows more integrity to the whole composition.

And then, as added more recently, the Ella Fitzgerald version which takes the time to really evoke that amazing past.

And finally, Mr Lincoln-Palmistry,

Benchmarks whether included or excluded, you need to be a little more careful of what you say. Obviously there is little point in sending you any of my future creations, as you will neither have the time, nor the inclination to read them… due mainly to their length.

Your most obedient servant,

Maude Plantagenet-Featheringstonehaugh