'O...(So It's)...Canada...

Flag of Canada over country contour
Flag of Canada over country contour | Source
Tracking antennas of the Kauai Test Facility (KTF)
Tracking antennas of the Kauai Test Facility (KTF) | Source
Attic bedroom
Attic bedroom | Source
A Victorian gold sovereign, a modern £1 coin and a vintage Monopoly money note, for comparison
A Victorian gold sovereign, a modern £1 coin and a vintage Monopoly money note, for comparison | Source
The seeds of an Idea...
The seeds of an Idea... | Source
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Mary?
Uncle Chuck and Aunt Mary? | Source

The Beginning of an Idea...

The answers to the puzzle arrived on my mental doorstep in staggered formations and out of sequence. A clue here...glimmer there...finally...the thesis arrived, fashionably late...and all was revealed. My thought process crystallized. Disbelief was not only suspended...but expelled.

Canada is actually the internet. The internet is actually Canada. They are in reality...the same entity. You can imagine my excitement.

Please...stay with me...

The internet mysteriously shoots through the air before landing in my computer box thing. Things shooting through the air (mysteriously or otherwise) do so by antennas. Antennas are kept on the roof. America has a roof. It is called Canada.

That must be where the antennas are kept. Questions of infrastructure are answered.

Prior to my entry onto Hubpages.com...I didn’t know any Canadians. Suddenly, now that I am on the internet, there are Canadians everywhere...

In an examination of ratios...staffing concerns are addressed. With over two-hundred thousand Hubbers (In Hubsville), being serviced by two dozen staff members, it would stand to reason that nine million Canadian technicians could service the six billion world wide internet users.

Additionally...it is my understanding that ninety percent of the population lives within a hundred miles of the border. It makes sense. They must sleep in the attic and only go on the roof to service the antennas. It’s pretty cold up there. Questions of staffing have been laid to rest.

Services rendered. I can get prescription drugs, concert tickets, and blueberry extract over the Internet. I can also get these things in Canada. Coincidence? They would have you think so; however, I proved not quite so gullible. Questions of duplication of services...examined and put to bed.

Internet payment. I don’t use real money when I buy stuff on line...I use a fake kind of money. It is almost like monopoly money.

I pull out a Canadian dollar bill that I received at birth from Uncle Chuck and Aunt Mary. I don’t remember Uncle Chuck and Aunt Mary...but I have been carrying around this un-spendable Canadian dollar bill for over forty years. In fact...it’s almost like Monopoly money. Monetary linkage is self-evident.

Currency manipulation would seem the easiest route. I am working under a deadline. I am unemployed with only about nine weeks of unemployment checks left...It was time to make my move. It would require moving some assets and liquidating others...but if I planned it properly...it could work.

(Knock-knock)

“Who’s there?” I call out...

“Thesis.” Answered the caller at the door. He was fashionably late...

“Thesis who,” I ask as I sought to delay his entry.

“Thesis the worst excuse for a story I ever saw!”

I sighed. It was going to be one of ‘those’ stories...


Convoluted roots The gnarled and twisted roots of a once mighty tree, now sadly reduced to a stump
Convoluted roots The gnarled and twisted roots of a once mighty tree, now sadly reduced to a stump | Source
Poston, Arizona. Office force being organized at Intake center.
Poston, Arizona. Office force being organized at Intake center. | Source
Easter eggs
Easter eggs | Source

Why Stories get Convoluted...

Thesis Statement was fashionably late but...for one of my stories...he was still about two thousand words early. It was a battle I had fought with my favorite English professor, Barbara Morrison, many times.

My preference is to add Thesis towards the end of the tale rather than the traditional ‘beginning’ of the story.

It allows for flexibility and lets me mold Thesis around the story...as opposed to the other way around. Needless to say...English professors prefer the ‘other’ ‘other’ way around and they really hate the type of sentences I just typed...

Still...I respect Thesis and understand his role. That is why I called him in earlier than normal. As I mentioned...time was an issue...I had to get something going prior to those government checks being cut off. Besides...I’m planning on pulling off the biggest financial coup in history! Timing was of the essence.

It’s a matter of personalities. The other half of my writing team, Creative Voice, is a primadona. His preference is to produce prose which he likens to poetry. If an ending to the story is secured...it’s usually more through happenstance than design.

He delights in inserting double entendres into unlikely places in hopes that a future reader will stumble across it and crack an unexpected smile, like an innocent child, after finding a painted egg on Easter morning.

He usually achieves this through surprise and loathes Thesis’s tendency towards ruining surprises...

Thesis is always very clear in his intentions.

Knowing that Thesis Statement was on his way over, I had dispatched Creative Voice to go price Monopoly games. I wanted to discuss organization without the typical rancor. I also didn’t wish to discuss it at my house.

With Thesis, to keep me grounded and Creative Voice out and about, I decided to go somewhere I had been avoiding due to embarrassment...


Six bottles of absinthe. Commercially availible in New Orleans, 2009. Left to right, 2 French brands, 1 Swiss, 1 Austrian, 1 Swiss, 1 U.S.A.
Six bottles of absinthe. Commercially availible in New Orleans, 2009. Left to right, 2 French brands, 1 Swiss, 1 Austrian, 1 Swiss, 1 U.S.A. | Source
An Embarrasing Proposal
An Embarrasing Proposal | Source
UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON GRADUATE STUDENTS AT THE GARRISON BAY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG AT ENGLISH CAMP
UNIVERSITY OF WASHINGTON GRADUATE STUDENTS AT THE GARRISON BAY ARCHEOLOGICAL DIG AT ENGLISH CAMP | Source

The Hub-Pub and The Betty Situation...

On the way over to the Hub-Pub, I filled in Thesis Statement on my plans for gaining control of Canada, by using Monopoly money, and thereby gaining control of the internet.

I also alerted him to my concerns as regards my impending meeting with Betty...

The last I had seen of Betty was when I watched her drive off, after having made a complete ass of myself, awhile back.

I had gone for the metaphorical yawn...stretch...arm around her shoulder only to discover that she already had a beau...

As I recall...I played it off pretty well. Cool and aloof were my partners as I absorbed the news of her impending nuptials. No...She wasn’t engaged or nothing...but really...matter of time reasoned my subconscious...As I recall...

I really like Betty.

If I were to give my feelings a name...I don’t know...I would probably sum them up as...The Betty Situation.

Calm, poised, funny, engaging, and absolutely beautiful. This would be the best seven word description of Betty. I could do better with twelve words and less so with five...but you get my point...

To say that she’s out of my league would be suggestive of an archeological dig into understatements. Still...I am drawn...

We enter the Hub Pub.

The drinking establishment represents a mental construct I had invented awhile back to provide a sense of place in my writing. This is where I met Betty. She’s the owner...

Large and airy, the room projected warmth in its low-key ambiance. Comfortable chairs were arranged around tables and scattered about while indirect lighting threw a warm soft glow over the proceedings...

The warmest part of the room came from Betty’s smile when she saw me.


Head shop on Upper Clanbrassil Street, Dublin, Ireland.
Head shop on Upper Clanbrassil Street, Dublin, Ireland. | Source
Photo of a statue of an angel.
Photo of a statue of an angel. | Source
Nuclear weapon test Romeo (yield 11 Mt) on Bikini atoll. The test was part of the Operation Castle. Romeo was the first nuclear test conducted on a barge. The barge was located in the Bravo crater.
Nuclear weapon test Romeo (yield 11 Mt) on Bikini atoll. The test was part of the Operation Castle. Romeo was the first nuclear test conducted on a barge. The barge was located in the Bravo crater. | Source
Lithograph poster showing a man wearing a tailcoat and holding a bowler hat (file name incorrectly refers to the coat as a tuxedo)
Lithograph poster showing a man wearing a tailcoat and holding a bowler hat (file name incorrectly refers to the coat as a tuxedo) | Source

Nirvana...

“THOUGHTS!” She yelled as she hurried from behind the bar. She ran over to me, threw her arms around my neck and held on for (in my mind) an eternity...

Beyond the scent of her hair and the press of our bodies...nothing else existed...or mattered...I mentally nestled into her arms for the duration of the winter...

It was like hugging an angel...

Important planets collapsed upon themselves. The sun explodes. Species evolved. Ecosystems fall. Famine is eradicated...famine explodes. Who the f**k cared? Not me, certainly.

Our balance shifts slightly...we continued to hug...her arms around my neck...a little tighter...my arms tighten around her slim waist as I nudge my face deeper into her lustrous black hair...

A million hydrogen bombs cook off, simultaneously, right outside the door. I fail to notice. I feel a brief heat source from that direction...I assume it's reflective heat from the glory that is...Betty.

The pleasure receptors in my brain were stuck, wide open, like the throttle of a 1970s muscle car on ten pills of pure ecstasy...

“Ahem?” The uncomfortable cough intrudes past the destruction of the cosmos into our embrace. “Ahem...?” It’s repeated...

Betty and I pull back from one another while still holding each other. Her stunning dark eyes pinioned my soul with her stare.

“Where have you been? What have you been doing? Why haven’t you come by?” Betty demands...

“Ahem! Perhaps I can explain.” This from Thesis.

As is his way...Thesis was dressed formally. Tuxedo, Kenneth Coles, cumber bun, cuff links, and bowler hat. I make the introductions...

“We are here to discuss plans to buy Canada with Monopoly money thus gaining control of the Internet. Thesis states mater of factly.

“We shall be doing so while ignoring your smoking hot beauty so my friend here will not suffer any discomfiture.” He pauses to indicate me.

I hang my head. Thesis is always very clear in his intentions and he makes for a brutally honest wing-man...

He continues, “In terms of organization you can expect that I will have two martinis (with olives), and following the second drink...I will use the restroom. After that...we will be going to the next part of the story.”

Betty stares at him. She stares at me...

“Smoking hot beauty, huh?” She asks coquettishly...


A bar.
A bar. | Source
An unknown woman who covered her face, except her pretty eyes
An unknown woman who covered her face, except her pretty eyes | Source
An officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (a "Mountie") standing guard on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, Ontario
An officer of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (a "Mountie") standing guard on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, Ontario | Source

Mount Up...It’s the Mounties...

We were settled in at the end of the bar.

Thesis had his first martini and I had my traditional White Russian. Betty was sipping on a glass of house red. I explained my epiphany to Betty and how I was going to exploit it.

“And this is your response to running out of unemployment insurance? Buy Canada (which is actually the Internet) with Monopoly money...rather then getting an actual job?” Betty queries me with her pretty eyes and pouty lips...

“Yes.”

“I have some Monopoly money.” She volunteers brightly. “Would you like to use it to buy Canada which is really the internet?”

I was warmed by her belief in my vision and the beauty in her eyes...

“That would be swell Betty!”

After briefly discussing the obvious benefits of the plan...we considered the risks.

“Is this illegal?” Asks Betty in a whisper.

“Probably.” I confirmed. “I have to think that, since the idea originated in my head, and I am acting on that information...it would be a case of insider trading.”

Thesis was downing his first martini and requesting his second before saying...

“Pfft...I say good man...That will be the least of your concerns! I Imagine the Mounties won’t be too keen on your plan either! Also...your plan to enter Canada? ...Fraught with difficulties!”

We talked for awhile longer but I spent most of my time casting surreptitious glancing at Betty. Drinking in her mannerisms...marveling at her effect on my central nervous system. Trying not to twitch when my glances are caught or returned...

Thesis finishes his second drink...he leaves the olive untouched.

“See there?! I can be zany! I had indicated, to the young lady here, that I wanted to have two martinis with olives. The obvious implication was that I would eat both olives. Humph...tell that to your Creative Voice fellow! It is time for the restroom.”

“Yeah...you’re just a regular madcap there Thesis Statement.” I wryly say to his retreating back.

My attention is brought back to Betty as she takes my hand into both of hers and squeezes...

“I’ve really missed you Thoughts.” She begins earnestly...

Other planets collapsed upon themselves. The sun explodes (again). Species fall. Ecosystems evolve. A member of the Royal Canadian Mounties enters the bar...

Oh-oh...


Publicity photo for The Three Stooges short subject Disorder in the Court. Copyright Columbia Pictures, 1936. Used to illustrate film being described.
Publicity photo for The Three Stooges short subject Disorder in the Court. Copyright Columbia Pictures, 1936. Used to illustrate film being described. | Source
A stereotypical caricature of a villain (i.e. generic melodrama villain stock character, with handlebar moustache and black top-hat).
A stereotypical caricature of a villain (i.e. generic melodrama villain stock character, with handlebar moustache and black top-hat). | Source

Would Hitting Him on the Head be a Good Idea...?

“What’s he doing here?” Betty asks breathlessly in my ear. She squeezes my hand worriedly.

I seek to comfort her. “I’m not sure but I will go see what he wants.”

I walked up to him. He was resplendent in his crimson uniform. Blond curly hair, piercing blue eyes and a jaw line which strongly resembled a human buttock. Hanging from his tunic was Canada’s “Pretty Good Conduct” medal.

His nametag read, ‘Dudley Do-Right.’

“How’s it going officer?” I ask warily.

“Terribly...there is a miscreant tying innocent young women to Rail-Road tracks!” He declares loudly. “I must reach Mount Up before Sun Down in order to stop him! Where is my faithful steed?!”

“I think there’s a light rail station,” I informed him, relieved, “a couple blocks to the East of here.”

“That is most excellent...whoa...who is this enchanting beauty?” Dudley states flummoxed upon seeing Betty.

I bristle with jealousy...

That cartoon Constable Casanova...Dudley Do Right...began making moves on my girl. Well...she’s not my girl...she’s actually someone else’s girl...but still...

Thesis Statement emerges from the bathroom.

“OK...we are right on schedule.” He declares happily. “Let’s go meet Creative Voice and get this nailed down!”

“I can’t go.” I state simply as I cast about for a candlestick holder or a lead pipe to hit Dudley Do Right over the head with. You can never find a Game of Clue when you need one...

Thesis Statement was having none of that. “Well of course we are leaving! I indicated in the beginning of the story what the flow would be!” He drags me, protesting vehemently, out of the room.

The last I saw...Betty was fending off Dudley’s considerable charms...but how long could that last...?


The special gold game piece giving the die a shot. Pieces are from the new special edition Canadian Monopoly. The gold hockey player is the oh-so-special collector's piece.
The special gold game piece giving the die a shot. Pieces are from the new special edition Canadian Monopoly. The gold hockey player is the oh-so-special collector's piece. | Source
Poster promoting education and civic activity, showing two columns of penguins, six on the left, eight on the right.
Poster promoting education and civic activity, showing two columns of penguins, six on the left, eight on the right. | Source
European Community common design passport of the United Kingdom
European Community common design passport of the United Kingdom | Source

Nailing Stuff Down...Money...Running for the Border...

We were back in my kitchen. Creative Voice had returned from his pricing mission. He had brought along Internal CD player who needed batteries. Creative Voice was surprised to see Thesis Statement already there so early.

“There are eighteen Monopoly games on local store shelves and they are about twenty dollars each.” Creative Voice reports. “Each game has $15,140 in the bank.”

We attempt to do the math. We are unsuccessful. We look to Thesis Statement for some help.

“Pfft...I’m a ‘big picture’ kind of guy. The answer to math problems is a ‘detail’ issue that is better left up to Topic Sentence.”

“Yeah, where is Topic Sentence?” Asks Creative Voice.

Internal CD player had taken the call and recorded the message.

He switches on, Sammy Hagar’s, ‘I Can’t Drive 55!’

“Oh...traffic problems, huh?”

We continued trying to fathom the math problem...Eventually...we gave up. Some math problems don’t have answers. Usually the hard ones...or the (even) numbered ones at the back of the book...

We discussed the hazards of crossing the border. Our plans were complicated by several factors. I didn’t have a passport and Creative Voice has a felony conviction that prohibits his entry onto America’s roof...Canada.

He got caught up in a weird sex/drug case that was initiated over the Internet. Canada seeks to prohibit the entry of perverts and druggies.

The border is porous, however. There are plenty of places where sex and drugs can be found on the internet. I checked...research is all...

We were going to force our egress at a remote section of the border...


"OIL PIPELINE - HIGHWATER, P.Q. A Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer and a State Trooper are on duty on their respective sides of the border as welders from both countries connect the 236-miles (sic) pipeline connecting a tanker terminal at Portla
"OIL PIPELINE - HIGHWATER, P.Q. A Royal Canadian Mounted Police officer and a State Trooper are on duty on their respective sides of the border as welders from both countries connect the 236-miles (sic) pipeline connecting a tanker terminal at Portla | Source
Francisco "Pancho" Villa (1877–1923), Mexican revolutionary general, wearing bandoliers in front of an insurgent camp.
Francisco "Pancho" Villa (1877–1923), Mexican revolutionary general, wearing bandoliers in front of an insurgent camp. | Source
Mobile anti-aircraft searchlight, used by Engineer Corps. Night view of illumination from 24" searchlights. Washington Barracks, D.C.
Mobile anti-aircraft searchlight, used by Engineer Corps. Night view of illumination from 24" searchlights. Washington Barracks, D.C. | Source
Exhibit A...For the Prosecution...
Exhibit A...For the Prosecution... | Source

Let’s Do this S**t...

We were opposite our entry point. A half moon and variable clouds made for just enough illumination to make out the entry sign into Canada.

We were a motley group as we crouched in the woods...preparing to move out. We had several suitcases filled with Monopoly money...

I was wearing my typical fare...t-shirt, flip-flops, and cargo-shorts. It was kind of cold... Thesis Statement still wore his tuxedo while Creative Voice had donned a sombrero, Mexican poncho, and a crookedly pasted on Pancho Villa mustache.

“Way to blend.” I note drily.

“Thank you.” Says Creative Voice as he peers into the darkness...

“I don’t see anyone.” Thesis Statement states nervously. He was right. This section of the border seemed unpatrolled or watched...

“Let’s do this s**t.” I initiate the proceedings...

As we were making our way through the woods...Creative Voice offhandedly mentions, “Hey, did you know that Betty broke up with her boyfriend?”

“SHUT THE F**K UP!” I yelled in surprise.

My outburst was, perhaps, a bit too boisterious for our purposes. I attracted some attention. Quite a bit of attention actually...

Spot lights were activated and turned in our direction. Alarmed voices were heard a short distance away. The ominous sound of automatic weapons being readied could be heard as their owners prepared for invasion...

Creative Voice grabs Internal CD player and escapes into the woods...

Important planets collapsed upon themselves. The sun explodes. Species evolved. Ecosystems fall. Famine is eradicated...famine explodes. Who the f**k cared? Not me, certainly.

Betty is single??

Our position is surrounded by Canadian Mounties. Real Canadian Mounties...

Thesis Statement explains his presence in a completely organized and precise fashion and is released.

I didn’t have a plan, alibi, character witness, or a cognizant excuse of why I was crouched, while inappropriately dressed, with suitcases stuffed with Monopoly money on an International border...

All I had were images of an unfettered Betty running through my head...


African American convicts working with axes and singing in woodyard, Reed Camp, South Carolina.
African American convicts working with axes and singing in woodyard, Reed Camp, South Carolina. | Source
eorge Clooney at the 33rd Deauville American Film Festival in 2007.
eorge Clooney at the 33rd Deauville American Film Festival in 2007. | Source
A statue of an angel at a cemetary in Metairie Cemetery in New Orleans, Louisiana
A statue of an angel at a cemetary in Metairie Cemetery in New Orleans, Louisiana | Source
Betty Feet...in my Mind's eye...
Betty Feet...in my Mind's eye...
An English silver thimble, unknown vintage.
An English silver thimble, unknown vintage. | Source
Battleship Texas
Battleship Texas | Source

Eight-Months on a Chain-Gang...

A number of jurisdictions were vying for a piece of my ass.

Turns out...Canada actually is a real country, with a fairly efficient National Police force.

Theirs was a policy of frowning on illegal immigration, currency manipulation with Hasbro-based currency, and reducing more than 150-years of national sovereignty into a mental caricature of the internet.

South of the border my legal problems include wire fraud, Security and Exchange violations and tax charges. Even though the money was proven to come from a children’s game...the I.R.S still wanted their share.

Betty knew a lawyer. His name was Mark. He was proficient at his craft and he (somewhat) resembled the American actor...George Clooney...although...that may have just been his haircut...

I signed a plea deal that guaranteed I would be incarcerated in the Monopoly game jail. Plea Bargain conditions stipulated that I would be unable to use a ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card or through the standard payment of $50 (Hasbro).

I was allowed to try for double sixes but this was only in an attempt to be included in a work party. A chance to get out of the dorm...

Incarceration. The primary concern was boredom and idle thoughts. Like Adolph Hitler did in Landsberg Prison...I got some writing done. A short story about Canada...

Mostly...I read books and thought about Betty...

My minds eye would continuously start at her perfectly coifed hair and trace down to her meticulously manicured toes. It would then begin the slow journey upward...only to be repeated a few dozen times a day. My mind’s ear would replay every scrape of conversation we ever had together...

The majority of my cell-mates were short timers with a few notable exceptions...

Colonel Mustard was brought in on charges of Capital Murder... (Using the rope in the Billiards Room)...The doctor from the Operation Game was convicted of criminal neglect for operating while under the influence of strong drink...

The cops would periodically set up a D.U.I. checkpoint on the other side of Marvin Gardens, right before it hits Pennsylvania Avenue, and that would fill the dorm up for a few weeks. Occasionally, a guy would get picked up on a warrant out of Community Chest or Chance...

Time passes...

Every now and then...Thimble would come and visit. These visits corresponded with trips to pay her bill at the Electric Company...over off Saint Charles Place.

She would sit on the other side of the table...sewing...as we chatted about things. I liked these visits. They reminded me of Betty.

Betty (I was surprised to find) likes to sew and has all the necessary equipment to complete any necessary ‘mending.’ My memory of her impassioned defense of the skill makes me smile...

Now and again...Battleship would stop by after passing Go and collecting his $200. He would put money on my books and regale me with exciting stories of exotic ports of call. He also let me know that a miscreant was tying innocent young women to the Short Line Rail-Road tracks across town...

Time passes...

After two hundred and forty two days...I was released. I had completed eight-months on a one-year sentence. I left the jail which was located in a seedy part of town...near Orient Avenue...just up the block from Baltic Avenue...a rough neighborhood...

The discreet toot of a car horn drew my eyes down the street. No way! I walked up to the shiny red Subaru parked across the street. The tinted power window glides down on the driver’s side. Betty.

“Hi convicted felon,” She says sweetly, “Do you need a ride?”

I smiled. I like Betty...


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Comments 47 comments

homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

What a hoot! I definitely need some of that recipe. You said you'd share, but now that there's this Betty chick... I wonder ...


FloraBreenRobison profile image

FloraBreenRobison 5 years ago

Ah, I get to finish this in one sitting because it is not a novel.

First a serious question: when were you in Canada that you were able to take a photograph of a Mountie? How long were you in Canada? also, I sympathize with the UI. I've been without a regular paycheck since December when I was laid off. I was working for dad's business and as a family business was not a regular employee. I have no UI. I work and make money when and where I can.

Regarding the Canadian version of monopoly (no I'm not joking): I actually live in one of the cities on the Board. Chilliwack, B.C. Our square is Orange, and is one of only 3 British Columbia Cities to be on the board. The picture is of Mount Cheam and is two spots from the Free Parking spot and to the left of a Community Chest square.

Now, to silliness:

You and your blueberry extract! I remember when Canada had paper dollar bills and paper two dollar bills. Coins, now. But never, ever, did we use Monopoly money. So Canada is the internet, hmmm? How come we don't have more money then? A Pretty Good Conduct Medal? Hmmm.

p.s. in checking out the links you used I noticed a number of changes to the Clue suspects - why? I understand the importance of including minorities in current society, but these are murder suspects, yes? And why make Mr. Green a Reverend?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi homestead...

I did promise you that recipe...and you shall have it my friend! Do not forget...Betty owns a bar....

I am certainly glad you liked my story about Canada (that was going to include Betty) but turned into my story about Betty (that included Canada!)

Thanks,

Thomas


Frannie Dee profile image

Frannie Dee 5 years ago from Chicago Northwest Suburb

My eyes are moist from laughter. Now that's creative writing!


Alastar Packer profile image

Alastar Packer 5 years ago from North Carolina

Whew...this one hit home like an 11 mega-ton hub bomb..gimme a couple secs here to recover. Dude, you're gonna look good on Google Analytics let me tell ya. Almost ten minutes on this one Thought..Freak, yea, like Criss Angel is with the magic, you are with that ultra-creative mind of yours. Anyway awesome write Thomas. BTW, coming back through the Canadian border a few summers ago the guards had an elderly couple pulled over and all their tons of stuff out on the road; nice to know they're working so hard to keep us safe eh. OK, don't bogart that blueberry extract my friend, pass it over to me!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Flora...

I was very please with myself for hitting 'publish' prior to the 15,000 word mark and I thought of you when I did it!

ON serious matters...I have never been to Canada...had I been...I would not still have that dollar bill (Canadian). The Mountie guy was grabbed off Wikimedia...I sure as hell hope I did that right...?

I had NO idea that Monopoly came in a Canadian version (although It makes sense, eh?) [Please note use of Canadian word...eh] Congrats for making the cut inclusion wise!

In my research (YouTube videos of Dudley Do Right) Dudley won the "Pretty Good Conduct" medal for saving Nell in "The Sawmill" episode...

(LAUGHING) RIGHT?? What up with the politically correct Clue Game and when did MR. Green...find religion??

Thank you for doing the read and making the awesome comment Flora...it means much...in whatever currency....U.S., Canada, Monopoly...

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi Frannie...

(hands her a tissue for blotting purposes) ...I am very glad I was able to get some juice from your eyes on this one! As long as creative writing is weird...I suppose this will qualify...

Thank you so much for stopping in!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Alastar...

I felt that 11-ton Hub bomb go off when I was hugging Betty...I didn't think anything of it at the time...

(passes over some blueberry extract on the down-low)

I believe on my next 'invasion' of Canada...I will use old people as decoys...

Alastar! Thank you for you're always kind words my friend!

Thomas


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

You are right ... keep Betty happy ... she owns the bar. She owns the bar. She owns the bar. (slapping myself out of it!)

Whew! That was close. Betty did kind of "monopolize" the story, didn't she?

Smiling all the way to the bar ...


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

Hey dude,

I'm coming back to read this tomorrow. Man I'm beat. Amy was snoring all night. Sheeit man. Twelve years sleeping next to this beauty, and nothing but good spooning, and a good night's rest. Then suddenly out of nowhere, she's opening up with an AK-47. All freakin night! I tried turning her over and she sounded like a tank starting up. It was horrible. A pretty lady snoring like my grand pa. I'll probably have night mares. Anyway, I'm beat. I'm so bushed, I'll probabley sleep through what ever surprises she has for me tonight.

I know I'll need all available brain cells just to stand a chance of actually getting this, so I'll dig in tomorrow. I just wanted you to know I'm supporting bro.

jim


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homestead...

Betty did (Monopolize) the story, huh? That wasn't the intention when the story began...it just moved in that direction. I like when stories do that...then I can be surprised too.

Thomas

PS...I am pleased for the smiling.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Jim...

(Laughing) You are going through some travails my friend...go sleep. This tripe will still be around tomorrow unless Hubpages comes to their senses and un-publishes it!

Thank you for that support...now go sleep!

Thomas


34th Bomb Group 5 years ago

I have to come back to this, too! (Too busy laughing! )

Canada is a great nation & we're blessed to have her as our northern neighbor.

A quick funny: my son went over with friends when he was about 12. When he returned we went to breakfast with my parents. He was so excited to see & order" "Canadian Bacon."

We queried him quite a bit to make sure he knew what he was getting. Well, nope he didn't. When those rondels appeared he almost had a fit & that was before he tasted it!

I love Canada!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi MS. 34th bomb group!

Let me begin by endorsing your sentiments as regards our fine neighbors to the north! They are awesome.

I was actually challenged when I started writing this by the comment that 'Canada always gets picked on' and the 'Canada thing' was done to death.

It occurred to me that that was true so I was determined to come up with a 'Canada thing' that ain't been done...I hope I succeeded. It wasn't rejected for duplication issues...I guess I am in the clear!

Thanks for taking the time to read and write a great comment!

Thomas

PS...(laughing) Thinking about your son's disappointment on the bacon thing...


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

You know, thoughtsandwiches, when you plan your next escapade into Canada, you could take a flock of turkens, and the mounties at the border would be so distracted by the "sickly" chickens you were trying to sneak in, that it just might work.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

hi homestead...

You, my friend, are very wise in the ways of international border penetration. We could have used you in that clearing...plus...if you are any good at topic sentences...?

Thomas


homesteadbound profile image

homesteadbound 5 years ago from Texas

I am so sorry, Thomas, but I am a new author and I am not sure what you mean by topic sentence. I can probably help you if you move down a few notches to my level. But if I could get some of that recipe, I just might be flying with you. Help me and I'll be more than willing to cross the border with you.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

homestead...

It is a deal. The recipe is cherry flavored NyQuil and an excessive amount of diet pills...chased down by a Red Bull.

It's not pretty and it tastes worse...but it gives you that jink and jive to write a truly weird one. Use this information wisely my friend and please keep it out of the reach of children.

It is too good to waste on children...

Thomas


jhamann profile image

jhamann 5 years ago from Reno NV

Great Morning Read! See ya later!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

jhamann...

Thank you for the read my friend! I view as a way of paying you back and thanking you for the awesome pancake upon awaking!

Thomas


thougtforce profile image

thougtforce 5 years ago from Sweden

I love how this story sets off in so many different directions. You are so creative and I enjoy your writing, it is so unique!

Tina


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

thoughtforce...

I was once taught to capitalize on my own weaknesses. One of my weakness is the inability to concentrate on any one thing for too long...thus the many directions! At least that is my theory...

I'm very glad you liked it and you have repaid me nicely with your wonderful comment!

Thomas


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...well I AM CANADIAN - lol - and I will gladly eat your thought sandwiches for the rest of my life as you have provided us (the citizens of the world) with one of the greatest hubs of all time - and I will be most happy to sing your praises with a royal salute and posting to my Facebook page with a direct link back here - and yes you have made me proud to be a Canadian - and proud that people like you have such a talent as a writer too.

lake erie time ontario canada 6:49am


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

epigramman...

Now you see what I mean? Canadians everywhere here on the internet...

I have to laugh...upon publishing it occurred to me that the number of new Canadian friends I might be offending...could be considerable (apparently that did not stop me...) and I must say...you guys have a great sense of humor up in the attic!

For what ever reason (I mean you provide date/time/place...place being Canada) I was under the misguided notion that you were nestled in on the southern side of Lake Erie. Or would it be western? Or eastern? I know it's not northern...that's where the antennas are.

I was disabused of this notion by Susan...I added you to my list of possible offend-ees...I am now taking you off that list and am very glad you liked it.

I am always humbled when you pay me a visit. I received your fan mail and your kind words mean more than I can say. Thank you.

Thomas


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

...and yes we have to laugh at each other and appreciate our differences because that is what makes the (hub)world such a smaller and more precious place to live in - gotta go now - my bed looks good after night shift and I am all safe and tucked away in my 'igloo' - with the detachable roof ...... lake erie time ontario canada 7:19 land of the hockey puck


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

We shall hub again on the morrow...sleep well.


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

We're here; we're there; we're everywhere...

-- another Canadian (this one hiding in Florida)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lynda...

Hello my friend! It has been a long time...and I am happy to see your arm-less Greek statue in my comment box! I hope you have been well!

Hmm...Canadians in Florida? That would be like in American's cellar...are there relay boxes down there??

Welcome from wherever you may be hiding!

Thomas


lmmartin profile image

lmmartin 5 years ago from Alberta and Florida

Wouldn't America's cellar be Mexico?

Canada is pushing for an express elevator to go direct from the attic to the cellar with no stopping in between -- more fun that way!

Hello? Mexico? It's Canada -- How's it going? Let's party and forget those angry warlike people in between. Last I heard, they think WE'RE the internet, for crying out loud. Everyone knows that's Peru!


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Lynda...

You are correct my friend...Mexico would be the cellar. Now...if my 'house' analogy is still holding...that would make Florida...um...the laundry chute?

You should let the elevator stop in Reno, Nevada...kind of a freight elevator thing...I'm not like the rest of these Americans...I tend to be opportunistic.

That said...I wonder what Peruvian money looks like...

Thomas


nemanjaboskov profile image

nemanjaboskov 5 years ago from Serbia

I'm catching up on some of the hubs I've missed lately (or not so lately), and I can say that you have only been giving us more and more in terms of everything - this was mad as always, it was extremely intelligent, unpredictable, fun to read and all around awesome!

All I can say is thank you, my friend :)


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

boskov,

Hello my good friend! Welcome to one weird American's weird thoughts on Canada. I am very glad you liked it. I am especially glad that all my new Canadian friends have such a wonderful sense of humor!

I don't believe that I am the first to wonder what it would be like to spend time in the Monopoly game jail...I'm curious as to other people's take on the subject.

Thanks for stopping by and leaving such an awesome comment!

Thomas


That Grrl profile image

That Grrl 4 years ago from Barrie, Ontario, Canada

I don't understand where USians come up with the Canadian bacon thing. If you order bacon and eggs you get bacon and eggs. Here we call it 'back bacon' or 'peameal bacon'. No one here calls it Canadian bacon. Except now, to humour the US tourists, I have seen it called Canadian bacon on some restaurant menus. I prefer to educate the US tourists, so they look a bit less silly when they bring their skis north in the summer.

Also, why are people in the US called Americans? We all live in North America. I think the US is the only country that doesn't have a name for it's citizens. USians doesn't really work and Americans is incorrect and yet used due to the lack of anything else to identify you USians.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

That Grrl...

Prior to going to your profile page...I will assume you are Canadian? So...turns out...Canada? ...yeah...an actual country...

You have raised some VERY interesting points...I (personally) did not start calling Canadian Bacon...Canadian Bacon, but I will look into this though...I assure you! (laughing) ..ahhh...just let them look silly...

The naming of citizens of the United States of America as Americans...IS a bit presumptuous, considering...you know..everyone in the Western Hemisphere is in fact an American.

I can only assume they started doing it when they thought the whole 'Manifest Destiny' thing was going to be more...you know... Hemispheric. I will also look into this...

Thank you for stopping by and your wonderful comments...I do hope you enjoyed it.

Thomas


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

Reading your hubs is like an adventure. I never know where I'm going to end up. Voting this Up and Interesting.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

alocsin...

Thank you for the Ups and interesting!

Narrative need and rambling prose sent this one hither and yarn. Having always wondered what it would be like doing time in a monopoly jail (I know...who hasn't) it was fun to explore that possibility here.

Thanks as always for stopping by and chatting! It is greatly appreciated!

Thomas


SilverGenes 4 years ago

Well now, I wondered whether I should venture in here to comment on this remarkable story since you will probably notice my Canadian accent but apparently our secret is out anyway. Yes, we are the Internet. There is a very good reason for it, too. It is warm in front of a computer screen and there was nothing else to do so....


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

SilverGenes...

Ahhh...my honest Canadian friend. I THOUGHT I was right! Really...it just makes sense! Be careful when you are the roof! ...very slippery...lol.

Thanks for stopping by and saying hi!

Thomas


Cloverleaf profile image

Cloverleaf 4 years ago from Calgary, AB, Canada

Great Canadian story, Thomas! And yes, there are indeed Canadians everywhere (wink).

Voted up!


alocsin profile image

alocsin 4 years ago from Orange County, CA

People accuse me of having something against Canadians. Just to prove that I don't, I read your entire hub! Voting this Up and Interesting.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Cloverleaf...

There you go...based on your (wink) I'm thinking...Canadian? (Click, click) Your profile page indicates you are. Thanks for having a rocking sense of humor and not bothering yourself with passing out torches and pitchforks!

Thomas


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

alocsin...

I believe Canadians know I love them...but this was a story that had to be written. Actually it's pretty fun, hereabouts (Reno), when the "border" question comes up (which it seems to a lot)...anywho...

I talk with them and agree and such...pretty soon they come to realize that I'm talking about the Canadian border. Then I act surprised that THEY weren't talking about the Canadian border. Good fun really...

Thanks for the repeat read!!

Thomas


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK

I like the way you think. And I agree with Homestead when she said this is oh so Thomas. There were quite a few LOL moments for me in this.


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

Melovy...

Admitting that you 'like the way I think'...is the first step on the road to recovery. Recognizing that there is a problem is important!

Thank you very much for the read and I am glad I was able to salt the text with LOL moments for you...that makes me feel good!

Have a great weekend!

Thomas


Melovy profile image

Melovy 4 years ago from UK

Okay, so you even write comments that make me LOL too. That is just showing off!


CrisSp profile image

CrisSp 4 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

Okay, so I started hunting and landed on this hub. Aha, I got'yah ThoughtSandwiches! You wanted to become anonymous, I guess not anymore, eh? This Canadian hubber is good in hunting! But you killed me with this hub. I have to go back again from the start to make sure I was following, not that I'm slow but it took me through places. You know, here, there, everywhere. (:

It has been an enjoyable journey reading this hub. Very creative, very witty and for that, I thank you and BTW, nice to meet you.

P.S. Would you like to have some Canadian Bacons on your sandwiches?


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 4 years ago from Reno, Nevada Author

CrisSp...

Lol...now ya see? There are Canadians EVERYWHERE! That said, it is very nice to meet you too! I would advise several reading of this as it does tends towards rambling all over the insane asylum.

Hellz yeah I want Canadian bacon on my sammies! (that's ham south of the border, right?)

I more than appreciate you popping in and saying hi and I'm very glad you liked this little offering! (I view it as my own little NAFTA agreement with my friends to the north!

Thomas

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