The Hapless Househusband: Worker's Comp for BooBoos...

I Wish To Register A Complaint...

So, I'm pulling She-who-is-adored's jeans out of the dryer when I get this really bad "ow" on my hand. It is not on fire as I first thought, but it has been given the second degree by a rivet. I immediately stopped work, ran my hand under cold water, made a restorative cup of tea, and tried to figure out the protocol re workers compensation when you work at home. The tea, and an episode of Law and Order UK , put me to rights and negated the need to call for an ambulance and visit the hospital emergency department, but got me to thinking legally, as it were.

The obvious thing to do here was to start the process for a disability claim. Not only did my hand hurt, I was now traumatized by a piece of domestic equipment that I have to use three, maybe four, times a week. This inanimate object, that has to date been my friend, has turned on me. In fact I'm now a little afraid of the washing machine too, so the whole laundry room has become a house of horrors.

It would be unconscionable to expect a man labor under such draconian conditions. So, with the full support of my brothers and sisters of local 123, Domestic Division, Cooking and Cleaning cadre (a sub branch of the Teamsters, you understand…), a complaint will be lodged with the management of the home or factory that has failed to comply with the basic human right of a safe workplace and reasonable rest breaks, and full and timely restitution sought from the said management of the aforementioned workplace. Full compensation and a minimum two month recovery period on an island of the aggrieved’s choice, will meet the expectations under section 3, subsection 2214, paragraph 9 of the relevant act. The failure to comply with these reasonable demands will result in the membership voting on sanctions, up to, and including, a work slow down, work stoppage or aggressive nationwide picketing.

Or no tea…

Now living in SoCal, you wonder, why does he not just hang the clothes out to dry in the perfect drying type weather they have out there? (Sure, they might get smogged up a little, but this is the coast, not the valley, the breezes would combine with the sunshine to dry everything in no time flat. And think of the energy savings…)

Good question.

It is against the law. More accurately it is against the CC&Rs. (covenants, conditions and restrictions.) The law I break with nary a look over my shoulder. Speed limits, I laugh at them with impunity, sometimes going, three, maybe four miles an hour faster than the posted speed. Dealing with the police and courts, no problem, especially as son one is a lawyer and everything.

However, the CC&Rs are monitored and policed by the Homeowners Association and if you ever wonder what happened to the KGB...

I digress. Crossing the community cadre runs the risk of ensuring Kafka-like consequences that will, a) bankrupt you and b) have you spending a few months in a padded cell. The “law” is clear. Clothes not filled with people, or in bags on their way home from expensive boutiques, have no place outside the home. The thought being that the sight of your clean laundry flapping in the breeze will instantly reduce the value of the homes in a two-block vicinity. And, what if that was underwear out there? In full public view! A crime. A sin. A hell on earth scenario if ever there was one.

So, to sum up, hanging washing, strictly verboten.

Now if you'll indulge me with a quick ADD segway into a washing line story here...

Back in my days as a Bobby I had the joy of taking a call from an elderly lady who had reported that she had been the victim of a flasher. Miss Smith, we'll call her, had been hanging out her washing (because its allowed in England – where it rains…), when from behind a freshly hung sheet she heard some rustling. Lifting the sheet she was met by the sight of a man sunbathing his trouser snake. She thought this was not quite right, so, after throwing her pegs at the offending member, had called the local constabulary.

The report I had to fill out was an exercise in embarrassment, but Miss Smith was more than equal to the task. She was certain that, yes he had been rubbing it, and that it was fully erect. She also informed me that it was the first penis she had ever seen, and that, "well, you have to wonder what all the fuss is about."

Bless her little cotton socks…

No chance of that particular unpleasantness here in Lemon County, no sir.

So, back to the dryer and my horrific injury...

I now realized that these machines, that are now part of my daily workplace, are outright dangerous. Discounting some very embarrassing self-inflicted vacuum cleaner injuries that would certainly not have the approval of Miss Smith, the potential for injuries is astronomical. Think about it. Can openers, garbage compactors, kettles, tea makers, ovens, microwaves, all over the place, good grief! And that's just the kitchen. And, if you consider the chemical warfare supplies under the sink, and the tools in the garage, why, oh why, is there no Health and Safety poster on every wall or front and center on the chimney-breast in your living room?

I now realize that it is far too dangerous for me to be left alone in my house. I need to find the safety and security of a monitored workplace.

Anyhow, not finding the appropriate paperwork at my place of work, I complained loudly to the head of Human Resources when she got home. She listened carefully to my tale of woe, thought about it for a second or two, and then offered to kiss it better.

I took the deal....

Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life.

Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris


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Comments 13 comments

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

This one left me chuckling, so I voted it that way.


pjwrites 5 years ago from Florida

Funny, good job.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Thank you both. I was able to resume work today, but still leery of the dryer...

C


tdennis 5 years ago

The Man Club is currently in the midst of a emergency meeting in regards to your current crisis of manliness. First, the machine cannot chase you or verbally abuse you. Mock? Yes, especially front loaders, but chase and cuss you out? Nope. Secondly, since you also live where you work, I doubt you can file a grievance against yourself. Plus, HR is prettier than you, so whatever she says goes. Law of the land I'm afraid. And last, but not least, you seem to have forgotten one of the many motto's of the Man Club - "Suck it up, Buttercup!"


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

Awww, what a sweet story! I loved it. Just right for my morning coffee before I go off to work and leave Bob at home to face the home dangers alone. If you guys form a union, you do realize how management will break that union don't you? LOL


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Tim,

Please don't throw me out of the man club, sob, I'll bring home baked cookies to the next meeting...

And a hammer (BTW I said all this in a VERY deep voice)

Chris


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sweet? Are you out of your ever lovin' brain Austinstar? This is a public admission that you leave your husband in a life threatening sutuation on a daily basis without as much as a by-your-leave. I bet you leave puppies in cars on hot days and let children cross the street without holding their hands...

Wicked, wicked lady. I'm calling the Texas ASPH to come and collect Bob. We are not just for Christmas you know, we need love and protection like any other pet...

(Bob - see you at the pound, buddy)

C


Austinstar profile image

Austinstar 5 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

I leave Bob in a hot car and let children play on the freeways. But never a puppy!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Oh, that's way better...

C


Pixienot 5 years ago

As well you should have (taken the deal!) She-who-is-to-be-adored spent many a year handling more than her share of household dangers - just raising the kids.

Therefore her union is quite unique! She is a "graduate" domestic technician and quite lucky to have such a wonderful volunteer to help her out at home.

Of course, volunteers have no union!

As well as kisses, aloe plants work wonders on immediate burns!

Voted up and awesome!!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Pixienot,

Hmmmm, sounds very pro -She and all that, but I guess I know you are right...

Thanks for reading and leaving a comment, very much appreciated, and aloe tastes kind of funny....

C


Lady Blah Blah profile image

Lady Blah Blah 5 years ago from South Carolina

Love it! My laundry room is a house of horrors as well. I get afraid every time I walk by it. Apparently, so does everyone else in my household.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Yeah, but you're a girl and everyone knows girls are tougher!

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