The benefits and downfalls of Social Suicide

Human kind has the ability to embrace love and unity, but do they have the desire? Have we all lost hope in our own species? Do we try, on a daily basis, to make a positive impact on the life of another? Do we respect ourselves, and one another, realizing we're all united under the common bond of...Humanity?


As I grew up, in a strong Christian family, sheltered from all things of the world, I was never exposed to the truths of this life. I had faith, hope, and belief in people, and their actions. It wasn't until 6th grade when I first transitioned from homeschooling to public school, that I suddenly was attacked from all sides by reality.


As time went on, and I suffered greatly for my naivety, I began to develop a strong distaste for human nature, and all those around me. Facing being bullied and picked on every day, and suffering rejection from every girl I ever had a crush on, my personality and heart began to take a turn for the worst.


Eventually it got to the point in 8th grade, where I dropped out of school because I was prepared to commit murder. Nearly three years of realizations and loss of trust, had truly created a monster inside me. The concept of murder had no effect on my conscience, and had become inviting to me. I realized I had to get out.


Social Suicide, as I call it, is the complete withdrawal from everything around you. The pushing away of so-called "friends" and separating yourself from everyone and every social situation that creates pain, uncertainty, and anger.


I dropped off the map, disappeared from the life of everyone I knew, and spent my time in solitude. I had time to think, to ponder, to steam in my own crushed and bitter hatred. I continued to spiral downward, becoming more and more hateful and despaired. At times, I was convinced I would kill others, and possibly myself.


There were moments that I would lay on the floor, after a self-mutilation session, bleeding and sobbing. I was ready to snap...perhaps I already had. The only thing that kept me alive, and from taking my anger out on the world, was the simple thought that I can't be meant for this. I have too much good inside me and too much love to give, to submit to a life-ending action.


I was somewhere around 14 years old at this point.


At this time, I don't believe I can fully sum up the long, complex, and terrifying stories that followed that time of my life. Between the ages of 18 and 22, I went through a turbulent, unstable, and shocking stage of my life. It was only recently that I once again committed Social Suicide, and withdrew to my house where I live alone.


The truth is, this time around, the results are different. This time alone, though difficult, has given me time to truly get to know myself, and make realizations about my needs, desires, and passions. I have been writing continuously, and have GREATLY enjoyed the feedback, response, and acceptance I have received in this community. 


Things are looking up, though I have much work to do, and many things to still learn.


In the end, I believe that sometimes, someone reaches the point in their life where being around people, and subjecting oneself to the drama, heartbreak, and betrayal of a truly damaged generation, is simply too much. We all need time alone, to discover and grow within ourselves. 


The past still haunts me, scars me, and infests my dreams, but I believe there is hope to escape this, and move forward with open arms.


Thanks for reading this. 









Comments 28 comments

MegStarr profile image

MegStarr 4 years ago from Texas

I understand.Most people do not understand highly creative people like you or I. My mother "kept me safe" in a Christian school until high school. There I learned words Id never hurd of like Divorce, Cheater, and Lier. I trusted people too much and was normal taken advantage of. I found myself turned into an out cast by the other girls. I was not allowed make up or clothes that they were wearing and as a teenage girl that is a big thing. I finaly found a place were I could feel safe, the AP art room. I had always done art and was quight good at it and there that is were I survied my years and then went on to an art college where everyone excetpted me for me. Good Luck


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

Fucsia - that is true...and things are looking better for me :]

Thank you for reading / commenting


fucsia profile image

fucsia 5 years ago

Before you ran away from humanity, now is also through the feedback from humanity that you know better yourself. I think there is a lot of superficiality, mediocrity, selfishness and malice. But you look good there is also originality, freedom, kindness and love in people. Are those the people you need to look for.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

crystolite - thank you for that

Epi - I really really appreciate that. Thank you, as always :]


epigramman profile image

epigramman 5 years ago

....well there are some real 'pretentious' dandies here at the Hub, believe me, but you're NOT one of them - you are as real and fresh and true as they come - and that's really nice to see (and read!)


crystolite profile image

crystolite 5 years ago from Houston TX

This information is reflectable. The write ups are nice


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

Sometimes, within a new place, discoveries can be made.

I feel the same way, Elizabeth.


Elizabeth99 profile image

Elizabeth99 5 years ago from Milwaukee, WI

I've been pushed to my breaking point-just recently I exiled myself from my family and spend most of my time alone trying to figure out who I am because I have spent so much time being someone for everyone else. It is so incredibly hard for me to make friends now because as a child I was used and abused (literally) by all the friends I tried to get close too. Hubpages has been helping me too with all the wonderful feedback and happy comments because people are actually seeing what I have to offer :)


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

no problem. its true.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

Thanks Nikki I really appreciate you saying I'm strong in heart and mind :]


Nikkij504gurl profile image

Nikkij504gurl 5 years ago from Louisiana

Im glad you are finding your own light out of the dark, and seem to be heading to a brighter place now. once u remove yourself from the fake friends, and all the bullshit drama they bring, you find yourself being yourself again, and we all go through hard times in life, these things are our learning blocks of life. how we handle them is what makes us who we are. they teach us to be strong. and my dear, you are very strong, in heart and mind, and it comes thru in your writing. love the picture of the bear too!


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

Thank you Nellie for your good advice :]


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

We always live in a dual or a triple world: the good, the bad and the ugly, to borrow the title of the Clint Eastwood film. We can focus on any of those "worlds", because a lot of their existence IS in our own focus. Of course, mean people doing mean things are not our own creations. They really are there. But we can learn to help what we can & to focus where we can help rather than spinning our wheels where we cannot.

And you were somehow guided to back off until your own focus became more "in focus". Sure there is more - heck - there is ALWAYS more to be done with oneself. As long as one is ALIVE - it means facing frictions and being sensitive to them. If we are not sensitive to the dynamics of LIFE itself, we are as though dead. But we don't have to let those warp and eat us up. Each time we must face the challenges of life, we can become better at it.

Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers independently wrote about becoming "self-actualized", which is a state of being totally honest with oneself and so, to be able to realize one's full potential and to BECOME one's own potentialities. They thought it was a basic human drive but one not always achieved.

But each experience of life helps us unfold our truest being, even when we seem to be just muddling through. The worst enemy we have is DISCOURAGEMENT, not bullies or anything external. So long as we believe we CAN, - we can. If we believe we can't - well, as wise folks have said, we are right.

You do have vast potential and you should have a lot of fun becoming all of it.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

That's a good possibility, Randy. Thanks for reading


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 5 years ago from Near the Ocean

You are doing the right thing with the dark days, you are letting them fuel your writing. Perhaps that was their purpose all along.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

Thank you nighthag, and thats very true. toxic is a good word. thanks for the support :]

I would highly recommend you read my "nightly nightmares" series, nighthag, because i remember you told me you love dark poetry. i would love your feedback


nighthag profile image

nighthag 5 years ago from Australia

Sometimes our world can be so toxic that the only way to find true clarity is to pull away, I agree with mentalist you seem to be on healthier path now, not allowing others to have negative impact on who you are and what you believe about yourself is the best gift you can give yourself...


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

thanks as always mentalist, and i think you're right


Mentalist acer profile image

Mentalist acer 5 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

It seems that your learning to not judge yourself through others and that what you call social suicide is really a learning curve towards independence and self-confidence.;)


Sandyksk profile image

Sandyksk 5 years ago from Sanger

...well...thank ~you~...i do believe your good inside coupled with much love...gives us much benefit...:))


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

thank you for that interesting comment Sandy :]


Sandyksk profile image

Sandyksk 5 years ago from Sanger

...time alone...silence...you can hear so much...

Your sounds are loud and clear...thankyou so much for such clarity...you must indeed "...have [too] much good inside (you) and [too] much love to give.."

p.s. You 'hooked' me (into reading) with that first paragraph, and that bear...:))


SeenButNotHeard profile image

SeenButNotHeard 5 years ago from Michigan

I hope it works out for you :)


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

that's the plan :D


SeenButNotHeard profile image

SeenButNotHeard 5 years ago from Michigan

I believe you need new friends, then


SeenButNotHeard profile image

SeenButNotHeard 5 years ago from Michigan

Touche, Mr. Writings...touche.


BenWritings profile image

BenWritings 5 years ago from Save me from, Tennessee Author

not when the source of the problem lies in the people i was around


SeenButNotHeard profile image

SeenButNotHeard 5 years ago from Michigan

Awwh I can totally relate to being picked on all the time, it sucks :( I've never been that close to the edge but I'd be lying if I said I never considered being a hermit. I can understand the appeal, but wouldn't it be harder to go through all that alone?

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