The benefits and downfalls of Social Suicide
Human kind has the ability to embrace love and unity, but do they have the desire? Have we all lost hope in our own species? Do we try, on a daily basis, to make a positive impact on the life of another? Do we respect ourselves, and one another, realizing we're all united under the common bond of...Humanity?
As I grew up, in a strong Christian family, sheltered from all things of the world, I was never exposed to the truths of this life. I had faith, hope, and belief in people, and their actions. It wasn't until 6th grade when I first transitioned from homeschooling to public school, that I suddenly was attacked from all sides by reality.
As time went on, and I suffered greatly for my naivety, I began to develop a strong distaste for human nature, and all those around me. Facing being bullied and picked on every day, and suffering rejection from every girl I ever had a crush on, my personality and heart began to take a turn for the worst.
Eventually it got to the point in 8th grade, where I dropped out of school because I was prepared to commit murder. Nearly three years of realizations and loss of trust, had truly created a monster inside me. The concept of murder had no effect on my conscience, and had become inviting to me. I realized I had to get out.
Social Suicide, as I call it, is the complete withdrawal from everything around you. The pushing away of so-called "friends" and separating yourself from everyone and every social situation that creates pain, uncertainty, and anger.
I dropped off the map, disappeared from the life of everyone I knew, and spent my time in solitude. I had time to think, to ponder, to steam in my own crushed and bitter hatred. I continued to spiral downward, becoming more and more hateful and despaired. At times, I was convinced I would kill others, and possibly myself.
There were moments that I would lay on the floor, after a self-mutilation session, bleeding and sobbing. I was ready to snap...perhaps I already had. The only thing that kept me alive, and from taking my anger out on the world, was the simple thought that I can't be meant for this. I have too much good inside me and too much love to give, to submit to a life-ending action.
I was somewhere around 14 years old at this point.
At this time, I don't believe I can fully sum up the long, complex, and terrifying stories that followed that time of my life. Between the ages of 18 and 22, I went through a turbulent, unstable, and shocking stage of my life. It was only recently that I once again committed Social Suicide, and withdrew to my house where I live alone.
The truth is, this time around, the results are different. This time alone, though difficult, has given me time to truly get to know myself, and make realizations about my needs, desires, and passions. I have been writing continuously, and have GREATLY enjoyed the feedback, response, and acceptance I have received in this community.
Things are looking up, though I have much work to do, and many things to still learn.
In the end, I believe that sometimes, someone reaches the point in their life where being around people, and subjecting oneself to the drama, heartbreak, and betrayal of a truly damaged generation, is simply too much. We all need time alone, to discover and grow within ourselves.
The past still haunts me, scars me, and infests my dreams, but I believe there is hope to escape this, and move forward with open arms.
Thanks for reading this.