To the Olympic Committee: A Request

Tonight I made the decision that people who are performing dangerous and highly distracting tasks behind the wheel are simply not getting enough credit or attention. I believe that the nation has been way too caught up droning on about war, and saving lives, and fixing the economy and has neglected this very special group of un-sung heroes. The unique combination of selfish disregard and mindless decision making has been ignored for way, way too long. I personally have had enough, and I believe their time has come. Therefore, I submit, to whom it may concern, that those who dare to really challenge themselves, at the meager expense of risking human life in this way be allowed the opportunity to participate in the Distraction Olympics.

The inspiration for this idea came at watching a young woman, clearly a genius, putting on make-up (eye-make up no less), while driving down Mathilda Avenue on our way home. A more judgmental person might have looked at her with disgust, but I was inspired! I wanted to scream, 'try that on the highway, amateur!' And then I realized that if I could get a Distraction Olympics going, that I would make an excellent coach. The Distraction Olympics can't run like the mainstream Olympics, with their fancy starting lines, rules, and guidelines. Rather, what I see for an event this special, is something more along the lines of YouTube Videos. Really, without human life actually at stake, it really takes the sport out of it.

I believe that Men and Women should have their own separate competitions, as is the norm for the Olympics, and that both sides should really be given the space and freedom to really demonstrate their creativity in putting lives in jeopardy. Naturally, as in figure skating, there should be higher scores awarded for those who go for the more difficult tasks. In effect, reading the newspaper behind the wheel is nice, but it's been done. Reading the newspaper, while reaching for your blackberry in the rear window with a cup of coffee in hand, and driving with your knees--higher score! When I begin to coach the woman I saw driving tonight, we'll start with make-up application behind the wheel, but I think that we'd go further in the competition if we add a full wardrobe change, and some Facebook time while headed down the highway.

YouTube will be a very, very important part of this, because if the video doesn't include fearful and horrified looks from other drivers, AND pedestrians, than clearly it just isn't Olympic-worthy. This is a sport after all, and an athlete isn't an athlete without the drive to set themselves apart from the competition. There's a lot of unsolicited training for the Distraction Olympics going on already, and I'm so tired of these people being judged, and criticized. Why let all this training go to waste, won't you please sign my petition to get these athletes the attention they deserve?