Today of a thousand

There was another time when you said you were here

i walked through the trees a thousand times

to see if you were really near

i thought i could find you in the trees

and if i did i would go up and tell you

here i am, tell me what you want, your my man

I wish when i was left behind i was told why

but ill forgive you because you came back

inside im screaming out my pain

in my hand, you call my name

and in my eyes reflects your face

I’ve been rocking back and fourth between the threads of sanity

no one else, i can't see, why im left behind

there’s a scar or two across my body, some are only on my skin

the others are lodged in my mind

the scars are full of the deep, thick depression that climbed my mind abd drowned out all feeling

like the time we said we could get higher,

but i screamed because i didn't know what to say

you roped me until i was back and quiet

so i could fit in society

i keep my head up, but i keep falling

the grounds so close

i hear the dirt calling

i climbed the soccer goals

but slipped and fell

i never stopped falling, but i still got up

no hands reached out, except mine

lonely and left to cry,

i prevented a few from going to die

but when i am so close, its like a tight rope walk

no ones here to let me talk out my misery

of a child that was beaten and thrown like it was no ones business

i watched my bloodline bleed, thrown into the bathtub

and tuned out feelings and the ocean that was streaming from my face

i put the past behind, bottled it, and timed the bomb

inside I’ve got this screech

that tells me im almost at the edge

raise your voice to my head, tears start to shred my tortured eyes

i hold my breath and grasp my neck

i keep wishing i was dead

i think of other ways to commit this pain

but i never get past my life grasping for its last breath

i feel like a few more times, soon in other words

i wont hold onto my golden Hercules thread

i shake and quiver, and fall asleep

because i know ill wake up tomorrow

and put a plastered perfect smile on my face,

straight teeth and all

and no one will ever reach out

to the tortured, no one will ever guess, my acting is flawless

i have a thousand words to say, but i pretend it wasn't mine to say

i lie to those that trust

i trust and hold close the ones that cause me dear pain

because the scars are my friends,

they brought warmth in the coldest rainfall that was ever shed

it doesn’t sound that bad i tell myself

i say that im fine and each and everyday i still cry

words are powerful, but are hard to understand

i keep hope blended with broken homes

and put the spotlight on the weak

pain inside, i keep on saying, is like a small hole in the ground

the longer you wait the worse it gets

and when you forget about it, it seems to disappear

but someone comes running, across the hidden hole

and fall in and dies

the thing i tell myself, is if i cover it and make sure everyone’s avoids the hole

everything’s alright

but fabrication of an alternative truth still seems like the only way to go

as long as I’ve got a way to run, ill keep driving forward

and hope that i can get a little ways

I’ve turned to numbers, and mind killers

I’ve turned to reckless ways

and painful days as the hope that keeps me going

and hoping that i will forget how to use my brain

because inside the truth, you will find

a tortured child that saw everything

and of a thousand times I’ve tried,

i still have to wake up alive.