Top Ten Reasons For Not Having A Cat...

Pweeze Pick Me...
Pweeze Pick Me...
Ooh, ooh, love me, I'm adorable...
Ooh, ooh, love me, I'm adorable...
How much damage could I possibly do...?
How much damage could I possibly do...?
Yeah, I'm cute, live with it...
Yeah, I'm cute, live with it...
If you get both of us, twice the fun...
If you get both of us, twice the fun...
Seriously, who can resist...?
Seriously, who can resist...?
Excuse me. May I come home with you...?
Excuse me. May I come home with you...?

10. Jealousy. Thou shalt at all times adore the cat, even if said cat is ignoring you. Anything that is not the cat, and you have any affection for, can be destroyed with impunity.


9. Aroma. Usually the cat does not smell, though tuna breath can be a little off-putting. The villain of the piece is the litter box, unless you empty it every ten minutes (which only encourages the cat to use it again) it has a smell that grabs you by the throat and makes you cry.


8 Shedding. Not only are your things immediately covered in cat hair, if you ever try to walk barefoot in your own home, be prepared to tread on a recently coughed up, still wet, hair ball.


7 Property Rights. You have none. You are permitted to live in the cat’s home subject to certain conditions. Adoration, food, adoration, water, adoration, and playthings, all of which must be available at all times day and night. You never own a cat; it deigns to be around you.


6 Digestion. The cat will like to eat what ever it likes. It is usually the one thing you do not have. Failure to guess exactly what the cat wants to eat at that time will be punished by the cat developing a mystery gastric thing that will cost you your vacation money. (You were thinking of leaving her at home…I don’t think so!) Things that are caught outside, but not fully digestible, may be left as gifts for you. You like a nice bit of half-a-mouse in the morning don’t you?


5 Expense. Replacing your furniture every two years certainly adds to the cost of ownership, but the cans of the cat’s favorite cat food that she will no longer eat, as well as the toys she will not play with all add up to a considerable sum. And that’s before the visit to the vets for the mystery gastric thing…


4 Food. The cat has the right to reject the expensive can of cat food, showing her utter disdain by licking her butt right in front of you, as if to say, “Yeah that canned stuff tastes worse than this.” Mice and birds are, however, delicious, even if you can’t always eat a whole one. Put mouse and bird in a can and it will be rejected. Finicky is just a negative way of saying highly selective.


3 Drink. Leave every faucet running a little just in case the cat wants to drink, and or have a Zen moment watching it for an hour or so. Cream is to be provided on demand. (Communicable by ESP)


2 Licking. The cat has the right to lick it’s butt as and when it pleases. Licking your face is optional, it is not love, the cat just needs the salt. Licking it’s fur is a daily ritual that is best done in the most inconvenient place (for you) for at least an hour or two each day.


1 Intelligence. The cat laughs at your IQ. It is far smarter than you and once it has figured out how to control you, is off to control the universe. There is however an intelligence off-switch that kicks in the evening. For no discernable reason, the cat will chase an invisible ghost on speed, with an intensity that is scary, for about ten minutes. You are to ignore this aberration.

And this weeks bonus offering, the extra ten percent…

Aloofness. You remember that girl, the one who thought she was all that and then some? Never actually spoke to you, but somehow made you feel completely inadequate, yes her. You just bought her home in feline form for the next twelve or so years…


Dear Hub Reader


If you enjoy this hub, please check out my book,

Homo Domesticus; A Life Interrupted By Housework,

A collection of my best writings woven into a narrative on a very strange year in my life. Available directly from:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/homo-domesticus/12217500

Chris

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Comments 32 comments

prairieprincess profile image

prairieprincess 6 years ago from Canada

Hahahahaha!!!!! I am laughing my face at this one!!! This is so, so true, but yet I still all of my cats! Wonderfully written, rated up funny, awesome and beautiful!


attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

Our six dogs are much easier to look after than that poncy little, 'look at me' cat of yours.

A quick drop kick might work when the other Princess isn't looking. Cheers mate, funny hub as usual.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

prairieprincess,

Glad it got you. I never wanted a cat, but got one for my wife. ended up loving the darned thing anyway!!!

Thanks for the positives

Chris


Ign Andy profile image

Ign Andy 6 years ago from Green Home Office

Chris, it seems you have specials moments with cats :)


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

attemptedhumor,

I'm currently cat and dog free, but I have to say I miss them every now and then. As I used to tell my middle school students - through gritted teeth at times - I love all God's creatures.

No drop kicking of cats. You may have just put yourself on 'The List', and when they take over the world...

Chris


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Ign Andy,

My pets provided hours of entertainment and many many laughs. If you want the laughs without the work, I guess there's always youtube...

Thanks for dropping by,

Chris


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana

Reason #1 for having a cat: Mouse is in kitchen. Mouse is in stove drawer. Mouse is running on counter. Cat is in house. Mouse is no more.

Just sayin'...


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Sue,

Our cat never caught a darned thing, she would look with disdain, try and stun them with a stare, and if that failed, roll over onto her back and stretch.

Our Golden Retriever however, sweetest dog you could ever have, was a terror when mice or rats were around. She would move lightening fast and catch them, proudly depositing them at my feet for me to dispense the coup-de-grace.

Missing the pets right now...

C


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

I miss my cats - we live on a busy road, and our cats are no more :( We won't have any more, because cats are too stupid to stay away from the road.

But we treated ours as if they were dogs, so sorted: none of the cons you've mentioned applied :D

Linda.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Linda,

I got the funniest picture of you walking the cats on leashes for a second there...


Lady Wordsmith profile image

Lady Wordsmith 6 years ago from Lancaster, UK

Oh what a good idea! Maybe we could have cats again... hmmm.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Oh No! What I have I done....


sueroy333 profile image

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana

We actually did walk our cat on a leash. I have a picture somewhere. We had to stop after we tied her to a tree and she tried to hang herself.


Esmeowl12 6 years ago

Great hub.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Esmeow112,

Thanks for dropping by. Hope to give people a laugh or two...

Chris


QudsiaP1 profile image

QudsiaP1 5 years ago

Those pictures make me want to run out and buy a kitty right now... Curse you...! :P


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

QudsiaP1,

Sorry about that...

OK, not really. But you could call it Chris,and when you get mad at it for destroying your couch, you can swear at me/Chris the cat :)


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

I'm rolling over laughing. I love it! Your wit is boundless! Cats are truly aliens from a more developed planet!

I still miss our two, who lived to be 17 and would still be alive, I suspect, at age 26 if we hadn't smuggled them in to that motel. Normally they traveled with us, but we bought RVs for their use en route. That one time was an unexpected stopover returning from Del Rio (which was usually accomplished in one day from point to point where we provided their own accommodations. sigh

My George didn't think he liked cats, either, Chris. Then the neighborhood Emperor daddy of these two won him over and he agreed we should try to introduce him to a girl kitty in hopes of having some progeny. It worked out and the kittens were born in my closet and never really knew an outdoor life beyond the patio. They were disgustingly healthy - on an occasion of their annual checkup and shots, the vet asked ME what I fed them! Other than their initial "fixing", they never had any other occasion to go to the vet. There was minimal damage to furniture (part of the fixing was declawing, though I'd never do that to another kitty, in the case they did get outside). And they knew to NOT groom themselves on any surface on which I was sitting or lying. I couldn't bear the jiggling! And I never had to do more than quietly say "no" and/or lay my hand gently on them as a reminder. The girl kitty was more ladylike than the boy kitty was a gentleman though. But she could discipline him if his antics were delaying a feeding. She'd sit quietly by her bowl but he would be fussing, cussing, stomping about and my husband refused to put the food in the bowls till they were both sitting nicely in front of their respective bowls. A few moments of the delay and Camille would get up, go around to Toulouse's side of their feeding mat and box his ears. He'd hush and then they'd be fed. I was more lenient and would feed them even if Tous was caterwauling, but my George insisted on obedience when he fed them. I suspect that having two cats is better than having only one.

The only trip we ever took without them was to the UK. Right. They had no passports. So we got a 'Critter Sitter" to come to the house daily for our month's vacation to feed and take care of them. But we were unforgiven on return.

By the way Chris, we visited friends in Essex - South Woodham Ferrers. Do you know that hamlet? It's near Chelmsford. Whoa! I'm just noticing on your profile that you were a 'police office' in England. Our host when we visited was also in that profession - in London! Wouldn't it be amazing if you'd known each other?


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

I got so many great responses to this hub - what fun! The personalities of our pets can be so enriching, though I'm pet less at present...

I do know South Woodam Ferrers, you had shared your trip with me in a previous comment. I went to school in Chelmsford, and lived with my parents in Boreham and then Wickham Bishops, the latter near to Maldon, where you saw the barges...

You told me that your host was a dog handler for the Met, I was in the force some 300 miles north, however, as a group, Dog Handlers were some of my favorite people.

It made my day when you shared that you have visited my old stomping grounds!

And I'm not surprised that your cats never forgave you...


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

OOPs - bad sign, repeating myself. Well - as much as I write, it's not too surprising. And I have shared the experience on other occasions. My apologies for dragging you all through it again, although I must admit I enjoyed the remembering!

I'm petless now too. I think about getting one sometimes, and then, again - I think not. Those two cats were like having kids, raising them from birth to age 17 -and one doesn't replace kids. (One gets to visit grandkids but doesn't have to clean up after them.) LOL But I admit that I am always attracted to both cats and dogs.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Nellieanna,

I had a great deal of fun with these hubs, not the least of which was finding cute pictures to counter the written message!

I am the local "Uncle" to several dogs in our area, so I understand the grandparenting thing, well, sort of. I get to play with them, have fun, and very little of the grunt work!

I'd like to be an actual grandparent, but our sons seem to be stuck in the slow lane...


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 5 years ago from TEXAS

Oh, dear. Well - guys don't have the "biological clock" pressure - so there may still be hope. One of our friends had a yellow lab named Max, whom we always called our Granddog.

So - it's good that you can enjoy some good doggie "family".


ACSutliff profile image

ACSutliff 5 years ago

It's great to meet you Chris,

I love how your words and those adorable pictures contradict each other. You have really got me torn on whether or not to get a cat. I grew up with a house FULL of cats, and I have experienced all of the top ten reasons. The worst was how my favorite cat from the bunch insisted on sleeping with me, on my pillow, on my head, over my neck, but never on my feet where I actually wanted him. Most times, my head would be covered with fur by morning and my allergies would be killing me, but the next night, I'd look into his eyes and could not manage to say no to another night of torture.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

AC,

Glad you saw the hub for what it was - I love hearing the "I didn't really want a cat , but now I'm in love" stories.

And with alergies - the force must have been strong with that cat!

C


mysterylady 89 profile image

mysterylady 89 5 years ago from Florida

Thank you so much for sending me this link. I have no idea why I could not find it. It is a great read, and I LOVE the pictures.

Although I am still in mourning over my loss of Sunny, you did manage to remind me of my hatred of litter boxes. I never had to deal with hair balls, but I probably would not enjoy them either.

Thanks again!


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

Mysterylady,

Oh, they know how to get right into that place in your heart...

Little devils :)

C


ThoughtSandwiches profile image

ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada

Probably have to start by saying...cutest kitten picture collection ever. Beyond that...I'm a dog person so there is a certain amount of 'preaching to the choir' as it were...but I still loved it. Voted Up, funny, and awesome.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 5 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

ThoughtSandwiches,

(I think your avatar is saying "bacon"...)

Thank you for dropping by, leaving a comment and the follow - all very much appreciated,

Chris


SonQuioey10 profile image

SonQuioey10 4 years ago from Williamston NC

That was great. Great Hub, I thought it was hilarious and true, cats can be a handful.


ChrisLincoln profile image

ChrisLincoln 4 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California Author

SonQuioey10

Thanks for the response - been a while since I read this - still true of course!

C


Chazzy 3 years ago

I want a kitty, but I want obdience!


angelwolfchild profile image

angelwolfchild 23 months ago from Liverpool

Haha, this was absolutely hilarious and a joy to read, I look forward to seeing more. However you'll have to try a lot harder than that to put me off Cats.

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