Wacky Advice For Your Perfectly Wacky Predicaments - Week Three

BEFORE

AFTER

toenails, nipple hair, human diamonds, other excrement, the big bang, and worm holes

Wherein wacky advice givers, TheGlassSpider and Mega1 forge on with colors flying and continue answering in spite of practically impossible to answer questions.

Here’s our latest batch of questions and we sincerely hope that the very length of this hub and our answers won’t put you to sleep. Unless, of course, you were looking for something to help you sleep. As usual, Hubbers have a lot of wacky questions and are not shy or embarrassed to ask them! Lucky for us, too, because we have so many wacky answers and need a place to get rid of them. So without further ado:

DameScribe asks:

What tools to use to measure the toenail is cut straight across?

Mega1 answers:

Probably a tape measure will work. I’ve never tried it, because I never needed to know that measurement. Good luck to you DameScribe, I am trying to imagine why you asked this question and I really can’t come up with an answer to that. So I feel like an entire failure, already, and I’ve just begun to answer today’s questions. Thanks a lot, DameScribe! Thanks a lot!

TheGlassSpider answers: Since I don’t have toes or toenails, pedicures are really outside of my expertise; however, I would suggest holding anything with a straight-edge up to your toe – you can be conventional and use a ruler or something I suppose, but you could also get creative and hold a book up to your toe, or a box of cereal, or even a jewel case! If you REALLY wanted to get off the wall though, you could hold your toe up to a large, free-standing straight edge. Give it a try: Compare your toe to the table top at dinner, or take of your shoe and compare it to the door frame at the office at work. You’ll definitely find the answer to your question!

Goldenpath asks the following questions:

1) Do you think that braiding my nipple hair would complement my large nose or magnify it?

2) Is it wise or acceptable to pound on your elbow just to increase the reach of your finger up your nose for a lousy nugget or two? Just investigating all options for future reference.

3) Is it a proper home based business to produce quality diamonds by yourself? Theoretically, is it not possible to not crap for several months thus utilizing that extra increasing pressure to spurt out a laser quality cut diamond. I've always been taught that pressure and time is all that a diamond needed...

4) Do you consider it a viable art form to strategically urinate on the pure white snow? Granted, to accommodate perfection of thought one must exercise great urinary discipline - and aim! I guess from my point of view I see it as not only an art form but also a long lost skill of mankind.

I prostrate myself before your wisdom and guidance. I come to your shrine for knowledge and that greater light. Feed me your fruits that I may benefit and have my ground-shaking questions quenched and succored

Mega1 answers:

1) No, I don’t think that would help. I don’t think it would hurt, but I don’t want to see it happen, either. And anyway, your nose doesn't look THAT big!

2) I’ve never tried it. I don’t enjoy that particular pastime, myself. But knock yourself out Golden, if it gives you a thrill, who am I to say?

3) I don’t think this will work, but go ahead and try. Let me know how it comes out!

4) Since I’m a woman, p**sing in the snow has never been something I enjoyed. And now that I live in a warmer climate I never get the chance anymore. So, gee, I don't know!

TheGlassSpider answers:

1) If you braid your nipple hair, no one will ever know that you have a large nose.

2) Are you trying to poke your brain?? If so, then a rubber mallet will help you. As to the wisdom or acceptability of such an activity – what are you asking me for? I don’t even HAVE a nose!

3) If the answer that question were yes, do you REALLY think I’d be here answering your silly questions?

4) As a matter of fact, I do. Actually, there’s a new museum opening in Antarctica showcasing the works of I. Pisinsky and Ury N. Furit; amazing snow-pissers those guys. Unfortunately, the opening had to be delayed because some urine got frozen in Mr. Pisinsky’s urethra while he was working on his masterpiss.


KingLarry asks: I just want to say, I’m a genuine SEX addict, as it seems I've slept with over 300 plus girls in the past five years. Yet for some reason, I still want MORE girls to have sex with. Therefore, what advice would you lovely ladies give King Larry here. Perhaps one or both you can help tame the urges if you know what I mean.

Mega1 answers:

Well, IF KingLarry really does have such success with the ladies (which I sincerely doubt, given his really obnoxious manners) I would probably be more inclined to warn the women away from him, rather than to help him get more. I think he should just renew his subscription to Playboy or something and keep dreaming. Possibly explore the complexities of auto-erotica further. (I really usually don’t give anyone advice I wouldn’t follow myself, and this is no exception)

TheGlassSpider answers: That doesn’t make you a sex addict, it makes you a human male. Be grateful you’re not a spider – some lovely female would have eaten your head right off long ago. And as to helping you tame your urges: I assure you, I have plenty of my own urges to tame, thank you very much, and I think those are things we all must do for ourselves. If you come into MY parlor, you might leave without a head.

Logic,commonsense asks:

If someone is out of whack, how do you get them back in whack?

Mega1 answers:

Whenever someone around me gets out of whack I am always tempted to whack them. But I don’t do that since I don’t want to go to jail. Instead, I usually just start explaining to them in great and horrendous detail how being out of whack is bad for you and how diet, exercise and good books will help you find your own answers to your out of whackness. This usually works, or at least people will start PRETENDING they are back in whack just so I will shut up. After PRETENDING for awhile, they are actually back in whack! Does this make any sense at all?

TheGlassSpider answers: I don’t know what world you’re living in logic, but in the spider world (as well as the mafia world) when you get “whacked” there’s no going back.

Maybe this will answer your question?

Logic,commensense asks:

What did the big bang start from and what did that start from and what can we do about it if we get banged again?

Mega1 answers:

The scientists who must answer all questions or else go insane were looking for a scientific answer to how the world began, one that would not depend on religious faith and would make people stop asking them to refute the creation myth. Since they had already come up with the concept of a void, or place devoid of matter, (heh heh!) they figured that some kind of electrical storm could explain it, you know, like a stray bolt of lightning? That just makes matter happen? No? I wish you had asked about the Big Band Theory, now that's a question I could really answer! Possibly the Big Bang Theory song by the Bare Naked Ladies will help answer your question, if not then we’ll let TheGlassSpider answer, cuzI don’t know f**k-all about science!

TheGlassSpider answers:

Before the Big Bang, there was a spider in the pre-universal emptiness. She died of loneliness, but it was her body that got involved with the great heat and compression in the beginning. As everything squeezed in on itself and reached infinite density everything that had made up the spider transmogrified into the basic elements of the universe; the whole mess reach critical mass and created the first singularity and at the same time spewed all the first universal particles into existence. It wasn’t too long after that (in cosmic terms, anyway) that the first blue stars were formed; these gave rise to the first heavy elements in the universe…eventually it all led to this moment, this planet, this existence. I hope that helps.

Oh…you don’t have to worry about being banged again. If the ones who think the universe will re-compress are right, you still won’t be around to experience the next singularity.

Some hubbers got into the game this week by asking a question, others went ahead and answered - here’s a good example:

Logic,commonsense asks:

Why does it take so long for light to travel a light year, and how can we shorten that time?

Earnestshub answered:

I have asked myself the same question! I said "Self, how come a light year takes so long" And I answered back "How would I know how to shorten it?" And then I Said "Well you should know smart ar*e!" Then I said "Don't call me a smart ar*e!" And after that I got a bit lost.

Mega1 answers:

I have no idea. I don’t even care how fast light travels, but since you asked, I have to answer, even though Ernest hub’s answer was quite sufficient. (I’m compulsive). Light takes a very short time to travel a light year, really, compared to how long it would take me to travel the same distance. Since, before I could even start my journey, I would have to determine whether the destination I chose was really right for me and decide whether this journey would be for business or pleasure. Then I would have to change my mind several times about where I was going to end up. Then I would have to pack. Since I never seem to be able to keep those tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner on hand, I would have to run out to the store to buy some, and while I was there I would have to check out the new IPod accessories in electronics and look and see if my friend, George, is working today. If he is there, maybe he will take an early lunch hour and we’ll go get sushi. When I get back, I would have to Google my destination to see if that really is the right place to go and then probably change my mind again. Then, because I ate so much at lunch, I will have to take a nap. By the time I would be ready to go, my old truck’s check engine light is on and it probably won’t start and will need some repairs. I’ll have to call the garage and make an appointment to bring it in. So, yeah, be satisfied with how light does it, I know I couldn’t do any better.

TheGlassSpider answers: You know what’s funny about light? No matter where it’s going or how fast it travels, it still finds that the darkness has gotten there first.

If you want light to travel more quickly, there are two things you can do: A) direct it through a wormhole (which is really a cosmic subway system), or B) learn Universal Origami – the art of bending and folding the space-time continuum.

A word of caution: either of these two activities can result in your being sucked into an alternate universe, the dissolution of your body into nothing more than its atoms and molecules, the compression of your body into a small black hole, or suffocation due to lack of oxygen. Please handle universal forces with extreme care, and do not drink and re-arrange the cosmos.

Justine76 also asks:

Explain "s**t eating grin." Who the heck grins after eating s**t?

Mega1 answers:

“S**t eating grin” is one of those expressions that originated in hillbilly country. Hillbillies are well known for their hound dogs, and as with most of the dog species, those hounds occasionally eat excrement, for some reason it appeals to them. Those hounds just can’t resist, possibly it smells like chicken or something. And it makes those dogs so happy that after they eat the s**t, they grin. OR, it could be that those same dogs often eat other things they shouldn’t eat, like the neighbor’s chickens, or a stray goat or some such. So “s**t -eating” refers to doing anything you shouldn’t and feeling happy that you got away with it. Does this make any sense now? Because it did when I started to answer, but now, it just sounds like an excuse to say “s**t-eating”! I like the way those little asterisks look in censored words, don’t you! It’s fun! I have my own question about those words we put asterisks in: when you are reading them, don’t you immediately fill in the blanks in your mind, anyway? So what use are the **s? Even kids can easily figure out what the word is supposed to be!

TheGlassSpider answers:

Funny, I always thought “eating sh*t” was an idiom for “kissing as*,” making the subsequent grin the rictus of false pleasure that one who was engaged in the as*-kissing would wear for the benefit of the person whose as* was being kissed. Does that make sense?

Justine76 also asks:

How does Cagsil already know everything?

Mega1 answers:

Cagsil is God.

TheGlassSpider answers:

Have you informed God that Cagsil has taken His job?

Mega1 replies:

No. But, I am not on speaking terms with God. I've been in trouble with him since I was 5 years old and started chasing little boys around to kiss them out behind the church right after Sunday School. My mom said God was mad at me for getting my Sunday dress all dirty. He makes way to many stupid rules that I can't possibly obey, so if he is not already aware of Cagsil, that's his problem.

Remember, keep asking your questions here in the comments section, or in the “Wacky questions” thread in the Forums. We will continue to oblige with wacky answers until we are a) told not to do it anymore, b) banned, c) we are bored sick of it, or d) you all stop asking wacky questions. IF and when you actually stop asking them we may just have to start making them up! Of course, we’ll never admit that if and when we do.

The Big Band Theory

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Comments 17 comments

mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

D.G. I guess its sort of a joke that I'm giving wacky advice since I am not sure whether zen cones is spelled koans or cones? This will bother me for awhile until I think of just doing a search for zen koans - but it is so hot today, I may not think of it yet. In the meantime, curb your amazement - you could get in trouble with your mouth hanging open like that! Expect miracles, but settle for an ice cream bar.


D.G. Smith profile image

D.G. Smith 6 years ago

Excellent Hub, and oh so wise answers,

I never knew that any one had solved the zen cones that are nipple hair questions.

I am truly amazed.


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

Yes Shinkicker, yes, well, now, and so I guess the police just won't win with snowpissers at night - why they even try is beyond me! Thanks for calling us brilliant, btw - we thought nobody noticed!


Shinkicker profile image

Shinkicker 6 years ago from Scotland

Brilliant Hub

Indeed the speed of dark is faster than the speed of light, which is fortunate when you are peeing in the snow and the police torch appears :-)


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

Gee, Steven - I may be an angel - I had never considered that. I'm sure I'm not a demi-god. Well, possibly a witch? but what does it really matter what I am - as long as I keep answering those wacky questions!


Stevennix2001 profile image

Stevennix2001 6 years ago

maybe you and gs are like demi gods like thor and hercules. or you guys might be like angels. lol.


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

Amber - I will tell GlassSpider you said so and thanks for the compliment!

BK - I'm glad this vital info helps you sleep better, I've had a little trouble staying awake, actually.

Steven - I wasn't aware you and Cagsil don't see eye-to-eye, but then you both have well-developed opinions and so if he is God and you are Satan, then what does that make me? what about GlassSpider? are we just ordinary humans? I think not. thanks for the compliment! and keep those questions coming!

KingLarry - I know you don't really care, except that you SAY you want the women to like you, or at least serve you. I'm sure Glass Spider meant the head you think with! lol

if that clears anything up for you?


King Larry 6 years ago

aww come on mega. i thought you liked my obnoxious and in your face type attitude. ;) hahahaha!

@glassSpider

when you say i'll be walking out without a head, which head are you talking about? ;) anyways, thanks ladies. now if you'll excuse me why i go rob a ba...i mean go out shopping for awhile. (whistles coyly while carrying a bag of burgular tools)


Stevennix2001 profile image

Stevennix2001 6 years ago

no offense to cagsil but if he's god, then I'm satan as I so don't want to be in the same heaven he's in. lol. besides, i don't even think the guy likes me, so I'll gladly be the devil if that's the case. lol.

seriously though, i had a lot of fun reading this, and I think you two continue to make such a great team. keep the good work ladies.


BkCreative profile image

BkCreative 6 years ago from Brooklyn, New York City

Very vital information here (and fun). I can sleep better tonight. Many, many thanks.


Amber Allen profile image

Amber Allen 6 years ago

Your knowledge of wormholes and the space-time continuum is truly awesome. Amber:)


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

Rich - thanks for commenting - I knew you would like that dog picture!


NamVetRich profile image

NamVetRich 6 years ago from Springfield Oregon

Reading this gave me a ---- ------ grin. Looks like you all are having a ---- ------ time. Keep on grining.


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

Thanks, Mike - glad you enjoyed it!


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

This was fun and very funny.

Mike


mega1 profile image

mega1 6 years ago Author

that's an outstanding question - which we will ponder and look for an answer in our next Wacky Advice Hub, Sandyspider! but do spiders even have nipples? no. Still, I understand you may just need to know. no matter.


Sandyspider profile image

Sandyspider 6 years ago from Wisconsin, USA

Interesting hub. How does braided nipple hair look underneath your shirt?

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